Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-neuf

It's a little naughty considering we have hit part 69. Pardon me for being obvious ...

KEEP IT CLEAN - And by 'it' I mean your vagina. How can you expect him to savor and worship the glorious natural aroma and alluring chakras of the pussy if you don't put personal hygiene high up on your priority list?  Listen lady, you are walking around with a hot box between your legs, and it ain't self cleansing...I don't care what the fucking hippies tell us. And don't over do it with soap either, you will interfere with the pH balance and then it will over compensate and then you are stuck with some kind of Yakult thingo of a good vs bad bacteria fuck show.  Just water and maybe a bit of 'fem fresh' and you are good for a roll in the hay.

IT'S OK TO HAVE A FETISH! DON'T SWEAT IT - It's only weird if it involves a family member and/or something from the animal kingdom...well no, animals are not allowed either.  But whether it be dress ups, threesomes, black dudes, kitchen utensils, vegetables, dirty talk, Asians, pirates, him wearing your knickers (what?), water sports...etc etc, it's all good!  Actually, married people are off limits too.  A fetish should not be harmful to you or anyone else. Ask Richard Gere about those gerbils.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN THE NUDE AND SCREW LIKE IT'S FOR SALE - Seriously.  Old mate is too busy being worried about a) getting hard; b) staying hard; c) not blowing too early; d) whether it's big enough.  Dude, Sex and the City have left men feeling well paranoid.  They are convinced we all hang out in high heels and drink cocktails and talk about their cocks.  So please, give over about your wobbly bits and lose self control babe.  It's the one area in life where it is 100% acceptable to do so, therefore indulge yourself silly.  It's because you're worth it.

DON'T LOOK AT THE GROUND DURING YOUR WALK OF SHAME - Yeah it's 10am on a Sunday morning. Yeah that family have just come back from Church and they are having eggs Benedict.  Yeah you have smeared lipstick, last nights dress on and tousled hair. So what?  Head up and strut your stuff girl.  You just got LAID (and hopefully not paid)  Own it.  Walk down the street like you meant to dress like that.  It's the sheepish scuffle that will make you look like a hooker.  And for Gods sake, WEAR those heels...don't carry them whatever you do.

MY 100TH WARNING: BE CAREFUL OF THOSE NAUGHTY PHOTOGRAPH SESSIONS - Baby girl.  He is gonna show everybody.  Trust me.  Mama Owl knows dees 'tings.

I KNOW IT'S MEAN, BUT YOU WILL GET LABELED A 'STARFISH' IF YOU DO INDEED JUST 'LAY THERE' - Guess what?  You'll never guess! It's not 1952!!!!  We get to enjoy sex too now.  I swear! Tell homeboy what you like and help him along, and give his little member some loving.  They like that.

LET HIM CALL YOU DIRTY NAMES - Espesh when you have your um, mouth full, and you can't talk back.  It's not real!  He doesn't really think you are a whore. (unless you are sucking your 4th dick that evening and you have a receipt book in your handbag, then you probs are)  otherwise, let him name bash the crap outta you.

Don't let your mum's read this, they won't let you play with me x

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