Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's a breakup because it's broken

Yeah I know, two special editions in a row ... but circumstances this week have lead to some inspiration.

THE WHOLE EVENT IS JUST A SHOW OF FUCKERY - There is no right or wrong and nothing about it is easy. It's like cracking and separating an egg.  You crack the shell (your heart) and tip the egg whites to and fro (your relationship) and try to hold on to the yolk (your pride) - Some of the shell may get caught amongst the whites, but that is easily lifted out ... it just takes time.  A bit of the yolk might creep in there too...but that's only if you let it.  Am I making sense?  If not read it again, because it's a perfect analogy.  What I'm saying is, is that these situations are hard ... but try to get out of it with some dignity.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 14

FOR BOYS ONLY

STOP BEING A WIMP - There is a fine line between being sensitive and being a pussy. The former is attractive, the latter makes our vagina dry.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE, BREAK UP WITH HER IN A KIND, HONEST MANNER - Don't just act like an asshole until she is forced to do the deed. You may think you are being clever but men have been up to this trick for ages. It's unbelievably predictable.

BE CAREFUL ABOUT BEING A CREEP - I know you fellas have a hard time of this, because the most innocent of gestures can be palmed off as creepy by some frigid bitches, but then there are the obvious creep-o-rama actions, such as: constant and blatant staring at our tits, any talk of sex after you have only known us for 5 minutes, asking us what colour our underwear is (or if we are wearing any), asking us to send dirty photos. Fuck off to Creepville.

USE YOUR FINGERS - The tongue is hardly ever enough.

STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW CLOSE YOU ARE WITH YOUR MOTHER - It's weird and it makes you slightly unfuckable.

BUY US A DRINK - This shit never gets old.

FUR COATS ARE NOT JUST FOR THE LADIES - If you think you could rep it right, then do it.

love u x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quarante et un

IF YOU DON'T HEART YOUR JOB, FIND A NEW ONE - Hey, the employment fairy ain't gonna fly down, wave it's wand and provide you with a dopealicious job that puts a smile on your face. Get out there and do the bloody legwork! Research the companies you would love to work for and send them your resume - even if they aren't hiring. Then call them. Then a month later, call them again...and so forth. Life is for the taking my little feathery friends.

HORIZONTAL STRIPES DON'T MAKE YOU FAT...DONUTS DO - Stop trading amazing threads for lard. SO not chic darlings.

NOBODY IS COOLER THAN YOU - Except for me. I'm kidding! Kinda.

FOLLOW www.ladysarahjane.com - For fashion, for hilarity and for freshness. Homegirl got style.

IT'S TOTALLY NOT COOL TO LAUGH AT HOMELESS PEOPLE - Unless they fall over. After all, it's funny when ANYONE falls over...except for old people.

UNSALTED AND UNROASTED NUTS ARE NOT NEARLY AS TASTY - Who are we fooling here? Just ourselves. I may try an unroasted, unsalted cashew...but I'm telling you right now...I won't enjoy it.

IF YOUR JEANS ARE NOT THOROUGHLY DRY AFTER WASHING, YOU WILL SMELL LIKE MILDEW - Sort your shit out please.

IF HE BREAKS UP WITH YOU, DON'T BEG - Because our dignity is one of the few things we actually have 100% control over. Look after it. But if you must beg...know when it's game over.

love you x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: BREAK UPS

HE SAY'S HE MISSES YOU BUT HE CAN'T BE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW - Poor darling, I hate to break it to you, but 'can't' just means 'won't'. You will never convince him otherwise and he will never change his mind. He knows how awesome you are, and yet, he still wants to be apart. Listen to me now, if a man wants to be with you...he will be. Men really are that simple and not all that difficult to work out. He may be missing you, heck, he may even still love you but you really are not his priority right now. And you should be. Show him what it's like to really live without you. (NOTE: This does not mean murder, in any shape nor form)

TEMPTING AS IT IS, AVOID GOING BACK FOR BREAK UP SEX - Honey put your clothes back on, let go of his manhood and go get your hair done or something. I know what it's like. It's familiar, it's hot because there are a few mixed emotions still hanging around and it's nice to have sex with someone you know and feel comfortable with...for about five minutes. Break up sex still means that you have broken up. Then it's just awkward and you feel like a bucket of smashed hearts. Now listen up and listen good...and I don't care what you say...WOMEN CANNOT SEPARATE EMOTIONS AND SEX. It's true. And you know it. Now go put your own pair of hands to good personal use, and save the effort for someone who is worth it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS TERM, BUT THE FOLLOWING REASONS WILL GET YOU LABELLED A 'PSYCHO' - Breaking into his phone. Breaking into his email/facebook/myspace. Breaking into his house. Breaking any of his property. Phoning and hanging up. Phoning 63 times a day. Sending endless messages. (I've told you before, if he doesn't respond after two...it means that he doesn't want to). Threatening to kill yourself. Threatening to kill his pets. Threatening to kill anybody. Shagging his mates. Shagging any of his family (not only will these two reasons get you labelled psycho, but they'll throw in 'slut' for good measure too). Phoning him and crying down the phone. Phoning his mates and crying down the phone. Walking around looking like something the dog spat up. Basically ladies, you're heart has been been smashed like a melon against the wall and you have lost the man you love. Let's not lose our dignity either. Try to keep an air of class and be the 'One that got away' and not 'The one I got away from'.

HE DOES NOT NEED TO BE REMINDED HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE - He knows. Yet he is still choosing to go through with it. Really? Do you really want to waste your time on someone so short sighted? Let's not play silly buggers and start the ball rolling marked 'the rest of your life'.

LETS BE TRUTHFUL, THE REJECTION IS STINGING A LITTLE MORE THAN LOSING HIM - Admit it. It's the 'What's wrong with me?!' question which is driving you crazy. Boys cannot be relied on for any kind of straightforward answers, which leaves us wondering if we're fat/ugly/rubbish in bed/not blonde enough/tits aren't big enough/always complained about his friends blah blah bloody blah. Thing is ... Kate Moss got dumped. Sienna Miller got dumped. Jennifer 'stop being such a fucking wimp' Aniston got dumped. There is nothing wrong with you. Stop worrying about it. Lose weight, get a facial or get your hair done if that's whats gonna make you feel a little happier but there is definitely another pile of sexy man sauce out there that is gonna wanna rip your clothes off and ravish you.

SOMETIMES DURING A BREAK UP OUR OWN DREAMS AND PLANS GET A LITTLE FUZZY - For instance...did you both have the same views on marriage? kids? religion? These are all major deal breakers. Did he listen to The Pixies or not? (OK, this is MY deal breaker). It's so tempting to just blurt out, 'Actually, I never want to get married either!' in a desperate pathetic attempt to keep him in your claws er...I mean arms. Try to ignore the white hot pain for a second so that you are able to re evaluate your wants and needs. In order to read a book together to the very end, you need to be on the same page almost from the start. Things like different views on curtain colours, whether Pete Doherty is a musical god or a drunken bafoon, how many sugars you take in your tea are all just simple mundane differences of opinion. But wanting a family or not, staying settled and buying a house versus travelling the globe and living where ever are all things you pretty much need to see eye to eye on. You know the truth deep down, stop ignoring it and take over the reigns of your life silly.

DID HE CHEAT ON YOU? - Now look here sugar, if there is another female banging about then get the hell out. Don't beg him to break if off with her or watch your dignity flush down the toilet with any sort of compromise. Trust me, that little lady will be finding solace in this very blog further along the line. Cheaters only cheat themselves because that means he doesn't get to be with you. Tell the wanker I said that.

IF YOU ARE SCARED OF BEING ALONE BECAUSE YOU WILL MISS CUDDLING WITH SOMEONE EVERY NIGHT THEN BUY A HOT WATER BOTTLE - Your lost self esteem may take a little longer to find than a new boyfriend so prioritise, OK babe?

It may not feel like it, but you will get over it. Just keep your dignity in check and do not eat the entire content of your fridge. You'll struggle to get happy again with a fat ass.

Chin up buttercup xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 2

FOR BOYS ONLY

DON'T BREAK UP WITH A GIRL VIA TEXT MESSAGE/TWITTER/FACEBOOK OR GETTING A FRIEND TO TELL HER - Listen, I know you'd rather dangle your balls in a tank filled with flesh eating piranhas than break a girls heart to her face because you feel like a prize asshole but here's the thing...NOT doing it this way, makes you an asshole. Also, don't make empty promises by saying 'I just need space for a while' or 'It's because I had a real bad childhood and I'm scared of getting close' etc etc ... You must (and I cannot emphasise this enough) you MUST be perfectly clear that this is final. Over. Done for. Kaput. Because I'm telling ya fellas, she'll be dissecting every last word with her friends over ice cream later. DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS at the same time, don't be unkind. She'll get over it. Really. She will.

COMPLIMENT US, WE LOVE IT - And not in the creepy 'I love your tits' kinda way but more along the lines of 'That dress looks hot on you' or 'I like your taste in music'. We aren't actually that hard to fathom you know. OK maybe we are, but you've got this blog now so you'll be fine.

IN BED, WE LIKE TO HAVE OUR HAIR TUGGED A LITTLE - Not ripped out of our fucking scalp, just a little pull. Do it like you mean it, but don't forget your own strength. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain, try not to cross that line but by all means...run up to it.

IF YOU WANT TO BE CELIBATE, THEN WALK AROUND WITH YOUR MOBILE PHONE ON A LITTLE HIP HOLSTER OR HAVE ONE OF THOSE BLUE TOOTH MICROPHONE THINGIES - It's not essential, but it will help.

HIDE YOUR PORN STASH FOR GOD'S SAKE - We know you have it and we are aware that in fact boys will be boys. To be honest with you, most of us might partake in the odd movie watching with you once the relationship progresses...but some things belong in the bottom drawer and not next to the toilet OK?

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE LOADS OF MONEY, DRIVE A FANCY CAR OR HAVE A HIGH FLYING JOB - But we don't want you to be constantly borrowing money off us and your mates, have no way of getting around and no job. You see gentleman, there comes a time when you have to pull your finger out your ass and grow the fuck up. If you are over the age of 24, are not a student, have a jumbo jet size bong, live with 6 room mates and work at Mcdonalds....well...really? Do I really need to tell you this?

We love you. Porn stash and all. xx

14 reasons why it sucked

OK so here's the deal. Me + men are a pathetic match. Yet again I have been part of a failed relationship, this time it only last 4 months and we only had sex once (it was long distance). If I'm being honest, I kinda knew it was doomed from the start, for several reasons:

1. He lived in Cape Town, and I reside in Western Australia. Great, already off to a superb start.
2. He was more jealous than that bird in Fatal Attraction - and we all know how that turned out.
3. I hated his surname. I wont mention it in respect of privacy, but seriously, it was bad.
4. He had no money, and this did not bother him. I don't have much neither, but it does bother me.
5. He was a stoner. And no, I don't mean having a sneaky joint with a beer on the weekend, I mean having a few tugs on his bong for breakfast, lunch and supper. Sometimes even a midnight snack.
6. Because of reason number 5 he had a very poor or maybe it was a 'selective' memory. i.e. "Really? Did we speak yesterday?" Yeah. I know.
7. I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me. This might explain the unreasonable jealousy.
8. I think if he went to see a shrink he would come out with 'sociopath' stamped on his report.
9. Not such a great kisser. Kinda did the pointy darty tongue thing. (OK, now I'm just being a bitch)
10. He never came to say goodbye on my last day in South Africa.
11. He didn't kiss me goodbye the morning after.
12. He never sent me a birthday card. I sent him some clothes and on my birthday he asked me for the tracking number for the parcel.
13. He asked for money, and when I was unable to give it he became nasty and petulant.
14. He was mean about my friends.

So yeah...he sounds like a winner. 'So why go out with him?' you ask....well dear readers for several reasons....ehrm...

1. I was on holiday in my home town and more bored than a student on study leave, so the night he took me out for a ride on the back of his bike and made sweet sweet love to me won me over from the start.
2. I kinda think me and him are cut from the same mould, except I have managed to see the error of my ways, and continuously try to correct them. This may sound arrogant, but blogs are meant to be honest.
3. He had some really great tattoo's.
4. In the beginning he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.
5. When we first became 'official' he was extremely focused on sorting out visa's, passports and saving money for his plane ticket to Aus.
6. I found him incredibly alluring.
7. He was very good friends with my sister, and she never warned me. Well, she KIND of did, but it was a bit like getting a text message alert for a tornado.
8. I had someone who sent me wonderful text messages and it seriously added sparkle to my day.
9. I was desperate.

Well there you have it. 14 reasons why it was a bad idea and 9 reasons why it was swell. And lets be honest, those 9 reasons aren't even that good.

Even though he was a bit of a DICK to me, I still miss him. Yup, I'm a sucker for punishment evidently. But I'm 28 years old, by now you'd think I'd be able to get it right. *sigh*

So obviously this long distance thing came with rather large phone bills. I got my phone bill for last month and it was not nearly as humongous as I anticipated. Every cloud.....