Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY

CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS -  Else there ain't NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us herpes?  Not to mention the possibility of chicken grease and various other food like residues.  A bit of Dettol hand wash goes a long way my lovelies.

YOU ARE NOT A 'FAG' IF YOU WEAR SKINNY JEANS - WHY are some of you acting like they have just come into fashion or something?  Aren't we over it now? They're here. They're queer. Get used to it.

DON'T PULL THAT HORRIFIED FACE WHEN WE GO TO KISS YOU AFTER A BLOWJOB - What are you scared of?  It's your own penis!  You scratch your balls all day long, and by the look of your fingernails, I KNOW you ain't be washing yo hands before you eat your sushi. And by sushi, I mean salmon NOT twat.

SEND FLOWERS - Chicks who say they hate receiving flowers are tryna be all 'new age' and anti old school romance in order to impress you.  What they don't realise is that so many of you are slightly clueless and if they start bashing at the classics then they gonna get nothing.  Roses are always good, white or pink.  Personally I'm a tulip girl.  In case you were wondering.

EAT PUSSY - Use your fingers.  Whip that tongue back and forth. Nibble. Suck. Softly tap with your fingers. Make her cum in your mouth. Spit it back at her. Put that finger in deeper. Tell her how pretty her pussy is. I swear to God she will declare you king of her world.  Don't wanna give head? Well then you better make your way to the florist quick smart son.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 14

FOR BOYS ONLY

STOP BEING A WIMP - There is a fine line between being sensitive and being a pussy. The former is attractive, the latter makes our vagina dry.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE, BREAK UP WITH HER IN A KIND, HONEST MANNER - Don't just act like an asshole until she is forced to do the deed. You may think you are being clever but men have been up to this trick for ages. It's unbelievably predictable.

BE CAREFUL ABOUT BEING A CREEP - I know you fellas have a hard time of this, because the most innocent of gestures can be palmed off as creepy by some frigid bitches, but then there are the obvious creep-o-rama actions, such as: constant and blatant staring at our tits, any talk of sex after you have only known us for 5 minutes, asking us what colour our underwear is (or if we are wearing any), asking us to send dirty photos. Fuck off to Creepville.

USE YOUR FINGERS - The tongue is hardly ever enough.

STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW CLOSE YOU ARE WITH YOUR MOTHER - It's weird and it makes you slightly unfuckable.

BUY US A DRINK - This shit never gets old.

FUR COATS ARE NOT JUST FOR THE LADIES - If you think you could rep it right, then do it.

love u x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: ALL HAIL THE BUSH

FOR BOYS ONLY

So here we go then. A guide for you fellas in the art of cunnilingus. ('Going down on us' for the slow one's). Believe it or not, there are a few woman who do not enjoy having their bit's licked - they are obviously mad. If they have had been orally stimulated correctly, I doubt this would be the case. Having a man give you head is possibly one of the best things in the world. Ever. Followed closely by a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. But you know what is even better? Wearing a pair of Louboutins WHILST having your vagina licked. Oh a girl can dream...

Well here we go boys...take it all in now...

THE BUILD UP - Come now gentleman, you don't wanna be rushing in quicker than Britney Spears into KFC - easy does it. Pay the inner thighs some attention. Kiss and lick them tenderly and gently stroke her lady lips. They're not going anywhere and they also don't talk back! Well, some don't.

THE INITIAL LICK - This is where most guys screw it up, because they go straight for the clit and stay there, staring up at us with proud little faces waiting for us to magically explode. If she does...she's faking it.

USE YOUR HANDS - Don't make me say it - you know what I mean.

USE THAT TONGUE LIKE IT'S FOR SALE AND RENT IS DUE - Roll the tip and somewhat flat part of your tongue around the clit in a circular motion. Do this slowly and when we say don't stop...that means...don't fucking stop. It is uber crucial to hold your rhythm here.

LISTEN TO HER BREATHING - Use this as feedback and respond with your tongue. If our breathing is steady, you are doing it right. She should be breathing heavily now, not moaning, breathing. The key still remains that you DON'T STOP, not even to pick a hair out of your mouth or to gaze at us fondly - there is plenty of time for that.

KEEP THAT RHYTHM GOING - Listen to her breathing, the faster your tongue the faster her breathing should be and if it's on target, start using the tip of your tongue. Flick it back and forth as fast as you can, practice on the end of your finger...do it now! It's kinda like using your tongue as a vibrator. If you can keep this up and DON'T STOP then after about a minute...she will be loving you.

SHE HAS YET TO ARRIVE? - Then stick two fingers inside and hook them and then flick 'em back and forth as if you are doing a 'come here' motion with. You want your fingers to hold the harmony, while your tongue works the melody - if you know what I mean. (I wish I could take credit for that comparison, but sadly not) This should do it. And if you are lucky, you might experience the elusive female ejaculation.

YOU'RE NOT DONE - Nope, you most certainly are not. After cumming she will be super sensitive and will probably try and push your head away and squirm but don't budge, and pretty soon, she will scream again and declare you 'King of the Pussy'.

You will know if you have done a good job because she should be super eager to please after this. However, after all your effort and if you did it all correctly and she did have a mind blowing orgasm but she doesn't aim to please then I give you full permission to slap her in the face with your penis.

Go forth and conquer x

(It's my pleasure girls)