Word.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix-sept

SPEND THAT LITTLE EXTRA - I know there is a saying that goes 'Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves' or some shit, but hey there are some things that are worth splashing on.  Save 400 bucks on a long haul flight which turns a 21 hour journey into 43 hours. Yeah man, totally worth it! Not. Other things that are not worth the scrimp: baked beans (Heinz only thanks), shampoo and conditioner, underwear and toilet paper. You get what you pay for!

IF HE WANTS YOU, HE'LL FIND YOU. - Especially if he knows you are keen, and believe me...they know.

DON'T SIGN OFF YOUR EMAIL WITH 'THANKS YA'LL' - It's fucking lame. As my friend Alex would say, 'On the scale of 1 to lame this is lame'

IF YOU ARE ON A BUDGET GO TO GALLERY OPENINGS AND ART SHOWS - Those fuckers aren't shy with the wine and cheese buffet let me tell you!

NEVER TRUST A MAN WHO DRIVES A NON PRIMARY COLOUR CAR - Nothing says 'I'm a dickhead' like a bright and shiny purple/lime green or orange vehicle with a huge exhaust pipe. You know what they say....big exhaust, little penis.

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE THAT HAS EVER GOTTEN BACK WITH AN EX AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER? - Serious question.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 30 (how appropriate seeing as that is my lucky number in 2 weeks!)

FOR BOYS ONLY

AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't. 

MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit).  Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.

 'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.

WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-seize

FACE VALUE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING - There is something to be said about those that wear their heart on their sleeve.  Usually they are upfront and honest as well...two valuable qualities in a person.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Computer says no to passive aggressive cowards and two faced bitches.

FUCK HEAPS OF FRENCH GUYS - They help set the standard for what is acceptable.  i.e. wining, dining and sexy accents.

AIM HIGH - And apply this mantra to everything.  The sky is the limit blah blah blah but no really. It is.

WHEN YOU GO TO KFC AND YOU ASK FOR ORIGINAL RECIPE, MAKE SURE YOU CHECK BEFORE YOU LEAVE BECAUSE THEY WILL SLIP YOU THAT ZINGER SHIT - Serves you right for indulging in the colonel in the first place.

GOING BACK TO THE FRENCH MEN... - Make sure you also fuck one of the following in your lifetime: a black dude, a dude with face tattoo's (don't fall in love though), a dude who would wear your knickers if you asked, a man who you actually love, a millionaire, a virgin (pay it forward), someone at least 10 years younger than you (if you are 26 and older), an artist of some description, a celebrity (proper famous, NOT someone from Home and Away...like we have to know who he is), an older dude, an old crush, a guy who boasts a huge dick, a guy with a not so huge dick and a chef. Make sure he makes you pancakes.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quinze

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU STRUGGLE TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITHOUT GETTING 'ATTACHED' - Fuck hey. Girls are always giving themselves a hard time over this and it's ridiculous. If you have a good time with a man and you think you like him then THAT'S OK. You're not lame if you fall for him.  You're only lame if he makes you feel disposable and yet you keep going back for more. I know he seems 'perfect' but I want you to think back about that dude you had a mad crush on when you were 16 and imagined having his babies. Yup. Take them goggles off babe.

GET A SHOULDER MASSAGE - Stress carried in your shoulders leads to mammoth headaches. Seriously.

DON'T CHASE THE PARTY - It never comes and then you end up being a narky bitch and everyone seems like they're disappointing you because you had such high expectations for yourself and therefore everyone else.

THINGS ARE NEVER AS THEY SEEM - This goes for...your weight, facebook updates and tweets, peoples smiles, the general atmosphere wherever you are and peoples opinions of you.  I'm not saying you should second guess everything and be paranoid I'm saying you should be open to the possibility of being wrong. As my favorite line from a song goes, 'You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather'

DUDE SEX IS IMPORTANT HEY - So you should fuck like every shag is your last.

LEARN TO KEEP A SECRET - It's like SO hard but it's important. Even when you go 'you can't tell anybody' it actually means nothing because you are only saying that so you a) feel better and b) pass the buck so if that person does tell you can say, 'I said not to say anything!'.  Also, EVERYONE says that before they reveal a secret and so on and so on and so on.  Shit spreads like a 2 dollar hooker.

STOP PRONOUNCING FOREIGN WORDS WITH A FOREIGN ACCENT! - Example: croissant and Cafe Latte. YOU SOUND LIKE A PRIZE WANKER CITIZEN OF WANK FEST. Why don't you have an Italian accent with every word hey? Why only that particular word?  NO ONE is buying your shit dude.

Some things are not important.

It really doesn't matter if you are 10kg heavier than you would like.  You never were as fat as you thought you were and you will never be as thin as you are now.

Folk who are genuinely creative don't walk around going 'Oh God, I'm like soooooo creative'.  Do you imagine Van Gough or John Lennon ever having a blog talking about how creative they were?  No, they were too busy creating.

Stop. Breathe. Reflect.  Once upon a time you dreamed of being exactly where you are right now. Enjoy it toots ;)

Grow up and stop 'taking offence'.  So what if someone says something that 'offends you'.  What do you think is going to happen?  You will die in a car crash and then that person will feel guilty forever and ever Amen?  WAH WAH WAH WAAAHHHHHHH!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quartorze

SENDING NUDES - Sure do it. But leave your head out and avoid any tattoo's.  Also, if you send them to a bonehead expect said bonehead to let shit 'leak'.  You can't get angry with him though, it's not his fault that he is a bonehead. Or just post them yourself on tumblr before he can OR just keep your clothes on.

SOMETIMES NOT HAVING THE LAST WORD IN A TEXT MESSAGE IS THE LAST WORD - Actually it's every time.

WHEN YOU ASK A BOY WHERE HE LIVES AND THE SENTENCE ENDS IN 'AT THE MOMENT'... - ... homeboy is DEFS still living with his parents.

HATING ON OTHER BITCHES IS SO NINETIES - We live in a time where girls are actually beginning to find some self confidence and love themselves.  Eurgh, who actually gives a shit if you have always styled yourself on Beyonce and Mary Kate Kardashian and now your best friend does the same?  You're young and beautiful go be FREE and be less of a bitch. OK?

THE SKIN UNDER YOUR EYES IS MEGA THIN - Don't rub them! What the fuck are you doing?!  Look after your face you idiot.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU LIKE SOMEONE? - You are always annoyed with them.  Chill out!  They never asked you to put them on that pedestal. FRANKIE SAYS RELAX!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: If you're feeling shit then this will make it worse

EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
This is a sure fire way in making sure that you hate yourself.  You may even consider sticking your finger down your throat after you have inhaled the family size instant mac and cheese followed by 2 mars bars and it's probably not a bad idea.  I mean, vomiting and over eating whilst crying is the ideal way to make yourself feel better when you're going through a fuck show.

TEXT/MESSAGE/FB/TWEET THE DUDE THAT HAS ONLY EVER MADE YOU AN OPTION.
It will be even WORSE if he doesn't reply.  Here you go, why don't you just take this knife and make a few wounds on your arm and then I'll just pour all this salt in them?

YOU SHOULD GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE. 
I mean, when you are feeling lonely and a bit down, the best thing to do is to start alienating and stabbing all your friends in the back.  You will feel like such a champion for doing it so why not take it a step further and flirt with their boyfriends?

YOU SHOULD HAVE LOADS OF MEANINGLESS, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH BONEHEADS. 
It just does wonders for the soul and self esteem.  Nothing quite says 'I love myself' like getting naked with someone that probably can't remember your name and convinces you that using a condom is a silly idea.  Why not take some naked photos of yourself with your head in smiling and waving and send it to his phone AND email just in case he didn't get it?

SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON JUNK AND/OR BOOZE AND DRUGS.
Because the anxiety of not being able to pay rent and your phone bill and the impending sense of doom one gets when they are having financial problems will far out weigh any troubles that are going on in your world innit?

DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE OR DO ANY LAUNDRY FOR AGES.
It's great to just sit in squalor and look shit as well as feel shit. You want to be authentically shit inside and out hey?  It's awesome when you open the fridge and it smells like somebody's cat died in there, you just feel like you are in complete control of your life. All good, nothing to see here!

RIP to a great South African - Leon Botha. A true pioneer of the revolution.

Old sayings that fry my bacon.

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER .
Oh rly? What if it looks boring as hell and is all dirty and shit? Why would I pick it up? Do you go for a magazine that has someone you can't tolerate on the cover? I don't think you do!! The way we dress sends a message about the kind of person we are. Shallow you say? Oh boo fucking hoo. Sure, there are exceptions but unfortunately, we are visual beings.  How many times do video clips make you fall in love with a song for instance? No one is expecting you to be the coolest kid on the block, but take a bit of pride in what you look like. A pie intact is way more appealing than a dropped one. Get me?

NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
Um, there is actually a lot of use thanks. What if you are having a shit day and that bit of milk was all you had going for you?  It's like saying you can't cry over someone who died. It's called mourning! Yes yes we shouldn't worry about what happened in the past. Whats done is done and all that but fuck man, we are entitled to be pissed when things don't go the way we expect them to. Leave us be with our tears for a second!

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK AND LOOKS LIKE A DUCK ITS A DUCK.
Yes thanks for that.

A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY.
I'd prefer laying on my front in a hammock, sipping on a coconut cocktail with someone named Guido in a little shorts gives me a back rub over changing jobs any day!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
Now why in Gods name would I want to do that huh? 'Oh hey dude, I know you hate me and stuff and say wack shit to me but you know what? I'm gonna keep you in my fold in case you decide to ruin my life at some point' SCREW THAT! Get the asshole out of you life! Sure, keep a beady eye on them like on FB or something, but bloody hell, cut dem ties!.

MONEY DON'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.
The only people who say this are those who don't have it (me) and are trying to appease themselves. Money is more powerful than love mate. Two people in love living in the gutter? Yeah don't think so.

If you cant cook don't tell someone their food 

needs salt.

(that should be my new bi line)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-onze

NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK - Some will just think you are weird and others just get bored when you start to tell them that you 'miss bumping into your friends on the street' and over 'being friends with randoms' etc. Firstly, why only be friends with people on facebook whom you see every day? A bit fucking pointless if you ask me. Secondly, yes I know its a weird way in which to communicate but geez, don't you recks they woulda said the same thing when the telephone was invented? And then the cell phone? It's called progression. Don't wanna take part? Cool. But don't make a frikkin song and dance about it like you are some kind of exception to the rule or some shit.

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK - The world is totally unaware about those goals you have set yourself inside your head. The world is also clueless to the times that you don't meet said goals. It's important to never be complacent and to continuously strive to be thinner, cooler, cleverer, richer, any other 'er' that you may think is necessary, but remember that you are not a salmon.

BODY HAIR ON A CHICK IS NEVER OK - It's actually fucking gross.  Yeah yeah yeah, feminism bullshit about equality...whatever dude, if you get a tash, wax that shit.  If your knickers look like you are staging a Jackson 5 concert inside them, sort shit out. Hair removal separates us from the animals.

BLACK DICKS ARE NOT NECESSARILY LARGER THAN WHITE DICKS - This is the biggest urban legend of all time. I blame porn. The chicks on there are so full of shit.  They're always being like, 'oohhh, gimme your big black cock' and sure enough, home boys cock is pretty damn humongous.  But then of course it is! He is a porn star for Gods sake! I think black men have a reputation for having larger than life manhood because they walk with swagger and have that whole 'attitude' thing down, so you reckon they must be packing. But in reality, penis size really is luck of the draw and having a small penis is not necessarily restricted to one race or nationality. Unless you are Japanese. Or my last boyfriend. 

LISTENING TO THE BEATLES PUTS LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE - Let the simplicity of the lyrics say it all. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  

I never do it either

You know how like when you were at school and you didn't do your homework? Remember how relieved you were when the kid sat next to you didn't do theirs either? Yeah man. That sense of relief is priceless.

Well I didn't do my homework, nor do I ...

• Pay my parking fines on time. In fact, I am staring at a pile of twelve of them right now. Yes. Twelve. Is there a parking ticket man reading this? Can you do me a sweet deal?  The other night I was drunk walking down the road in the city and saw a group of Po Po and charmingly (slurring is regarded as charming) requested they swipe my parking tickets. They laughed. 
• I never wear sunscreen. I really should. I like really really should. This is Australia! Every 3 seconds people get skin cancer from standing under a light bulb or something. I also use solarium's. I'm not proud and I don't tell everyone. Well...just the 1000 plus people who read this blog every day. But I bet half of you smoke SO THERE!
• I never wash my fruit. But guess what? You don't have to! Plus I've had worse in my mouth to be honest.
• I never do pelvic exercises but I am defs gonna start because the other day I sneezed and a bit of wee came out. NOT SEXY. Plus they were my last clean knickers.
• I hardly ever read these days. This really pisses me off. I blame the internet. I also blame that the days only have 24 hours in them and I blame the fact that I am human and have to sleep at some point. 
• I never wear my seatbelt when I just nip down to the shops. Oh my God. A copper is gonna read this and give me the lethal injection I JUST KNOW IT.
• I never remember to not shave between waxes and then the next time my vagina goes to Brazil it feels more like it went to Bosnia. I bring these things on myself.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Great ways to make people want to punch you with a brick

FUCK THEIR BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / EX / PERSON THEY HAVE HAD A MAD CRUSH ON FOR AGES AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ETC ETC - Do not underestimate jealousy and the monster effect it can have on people.  Dudes beat up women over it. Girls pretend they are pregnant over it. And if you dare stand in between them and the person who makes them feel good about living...well, God bless your little sneaky soul.

BUILD FALSE CAMPAIGNS AND RECRUIT ALL TO YOUR CAUSE - So you have beef with somebody? I'm sure you have a good enough reason. If your reason really is good then you will silently seethe and learn to get over it. If you need many to agree with how you feel and need a whole army behind you in your war, then you are going in unarmed and without just cause. Not only is it bullying, it's hilarious. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....for whatever reason. Sometimes you just stop being friends. Sometimes you just fall out of love. Sometimes the very thing that used to endear you to someone will make you want to force them to gargle broken glass. Build a bridge babe.

TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO LOSE WHEN YOU WEIGH UNDER 55KG - Everyone will do the 'oh shut up you're amazing' thing, but secretly they hate you and will wish that you really were fat.

BE LATE ALL THE TIME - People love waiting. Especially if they don't smoke and their phone has run out of battery.  Then when you finally arrive be an asshole. That will really send it home.

BE REALLY RACIST AND/OR HOMOPHOBIC - Threaten to 'punch a fag in the face' because he wears skinny jeans.  Be really rude to people who can't speak English and laugh at Big Issue Sellers. You are so awesome dude. WINNER.

DON'T GO DOWN ON YOUR LOVER - Just lay there and have your cock sucked or your pussy licked until you feel like your body is having a convulsion then just say thanks, roll over and go to sleep. And avoid the wet patch at all costs.

BE REALLY, REALLY INCONSIDERATE - Always show up at parties empty handed. Always leave about half a millimetre of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge. Don't flush. Talk in the movies and do not put your phone on silent. Borrow things and never return them, or do but return it broken or dirty. Borrow someones car and return it with the petrol light on. Never ever ever clean after yourself in a share house and just generally be a tight little ass for the rest of your easy breezy life.

BE CONDESCENDING AND PATRONIZING - Smile while you insult and make sure your tone is snide and poncy. THAT will really make you as popular as MC Hammer.

The end.

PS, I'm perfect.

Tomorrow Never Comes

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Life admin

Ever feel like you are losing control of your life? You know there is nothing major happening yet you just don't feel like you've got a grip on things? Shit is falling through the cracks and it makes you feel mildly anxious? I feel like that all the God damn time. I am in a continuous mind set that I 'should'  be doing something and it sucks horses balls.  I find a bit of general admin puts things into perspective.

BILLS/FINES/AND OTHER $$$$ RELATED ISSUES - This is the worst of the worst 'cause it hangs over your head like the acid rain cloud that it is. Every time I put my hand in my bag to look for something I would find another hot damn parking fine that I stuffed in there before forgetting about it. Then when I think I'm on top of something another little winner of a bill rears it's life ruining head in my mailbox. WOULD THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE.  It's very easy to just throw money at whomever shouts loudest but you have to prioritise. Firstly, you don't want to lose your license, so you want to get onto anything that is fine related. Secondly, you don't want to live in darkness so pay yo bills. Phone and Internet should be last on the priority list if you are up to your ears in paper that ain't worth much, they are the more understanding folk when you give them a ring and ask for an extension. But for real, don't ignore money issues. They are sleepless night inducing fuck shows.

HEALTH - Go to the doctor and book that dentist appointment. Apply for private health and go to the supermarket and stock up on things that are good for you for once. Those fast food treats and booze benders always seem like they are occasional but before you know it, you are all up in an unhealthy highway and you need to pull your fucking head in. A few nights in and an early night or two won't go astray either.  Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Just please Lord don't become boring. Also, have a lot of rough, vigorous sex. Masturbate. Buy some toys. Watch porn on those nights in. Get sensual and healthy baby.

CLEAN - Clean your fridge, do your laundry, vacuum, take your car through the car wash.  Sterilize your bathroom, buy some new bed sheets and buy a new toothbrush. A scented candle wouldn't be a bad idea either. Be all Frankie magazine about it as well, and cop yourself some flowers and put them on the side of the bath. Then have a bath and shave your legs. You can have your first wine for the week now as well.

BODY AND MIND - Please girl, shave your legs and get your nails done. They don't have to be some mad manicure, just file them and keep them clean. Cover yourself in body lotion (even your boobs), and put on a face mask. Dye your hair and buy some new make up. Put the computer away for a bit, switch your phone off and watch a flick you've been meaning to watch or...*shock horror* .... read a book! Make a list of all the boys who are bad for you and cut the fuckers off.  Spring clean that little black book baby girl! Stop thinking about 'him' - you only miss 'him' because you are scared of the future. Don't be. It's gonna be the tits!

WORK - Have an early night and set your alarm a little earlier than normal. When you wake up the first thing you do after you pee is drink a full glass of water before you do anything else (a Korean beautician I used to have in London told me this years ago and I swear to God it changed my skin forever) then have a shower and do your hair and make up with the same amount of care you would for a night out. Get into work focused and pick up your favorite coffee. DO NOT SIGN INTO FACEBOOK. Fuck that shit right off...it's a time zapper. Start your working day as you mean to go on. Avoid office gossip. Avoid negative talk. Avoid moaning. Avoid cunts. You get paid to be there, you don't have to be besties with these people. Key word here: FOCUS.

DREAMS - Start putting them into action. The age old list system with a piece of paper and pen is still the best way to go about this. Make your dreams tangible. Nothing is over the top, aim high! (sorry if I sound like
Oprah) then make make some plans babe.  Also, don't tell anyone your plans. Keep your cards close to your chest, assholes wanna hate and put doubt in your mind. Don't think out loud and only speak about it when it starts to unfold.

Remember, keep it tight. Especially your vagina.

x

It's not you, it's me

RANT RANT RANT!!!! It's all that ever happens on the Internet. And why the hell not? You get to say what you want and people can't talk back, and if they do, you can just delete. Obnoxious much?  Well, do you expect any different?  Also, I never do any of these things, I am perfect in every way and do not need to improve in any area of my life.

• Bitch fights and social media wars. Over it like an Olympics hurdle sprinter mate. Follow. Unfollow (not even a real word). Little private jokes here and there which aren't so private because they are on a public forum. Using terms and words that have been going around for yonks then claiming them as your own...oh God...who do you think you are? An Internet Shakespeare some shit? 
• The over use of the word 'hipster'.  I swear to God those who have insecurities about being cool fucking LOVE this word. Why? Because now there is a negative connotation to being a hipster and it can be applied to anyone who is making you feel inferior or left behind in the style stakes. The same can be said for anyone who runs tumblrs with loads of re blogged content and near naked skinny girlie's.  Who actually cares? If your content is original and unique, then by comparison, these things make you look better. I actually couldn't give two little hoots about some 16 year old taking photos of her pussy through her knickers in her bedroom in Arizona and making a gif out of it hey. It's just gonna come back to bite her ass...not mine.
• 'Madonna did it all before Lady Gaga' - yeah and? Is she still doing it? Do you think the 10 year old girls of today give a shit about Madonna? No. No they don't. There is a new generation on our ass and we are not the children of the future anymore...I don't care how much Whitney Houston sings about it.
• Yes I am 30 and not married. Nope, no boyfriend. Kids? Possibly. Who knows. Am I happy? Kind of, who really is these days anyway. Do I ever want to get married? Sure, why not. Am I scared that I won't find someone to marry? Only when I look at the cost of houses. What am I going to do when I'm old?  What I do now...masturbate loads and avoid the advances from happily married husbands.
• I think the level of compassion and understanding for others life choices are at critical levels. Why can't we just all realize that we are all insecure about something. ALL OF US. It is the fucking driving force behind anything we do. Sure people mess up, often massively. But we are all on the same quest...the quest to be happy. We don't always get it right, and my God do we love it when we witness someone not getting it right, because then we get to not worry about all the things we aren't getting right for a bit.
• Yes, I'm sure you did it/heard it/wore it/saw it before anyone else. You and 100 000 other people. 

Go comment your mum.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-huit

LOW SELF ESTEEM FUCKS WITH YOU - Man, this shit can kill you quicker than cancer. It eats away at you until you are nothing but a moody, whiny, boring bitch.  We all know that what makes us unhappy about ourselves we can change, yet we struggle to do this, thus making us angry at ourselves and frustrated which only adds to the dregs of our self esteem. It really is all in your head. YOU NEVER LOOK AS BAD/FAT/UGLY AS YOU THINK YOU DO. If you say out loud 'God I look shit today' then yes, everyone will think you look shit today. Also, everyone knows you are just looking for a compliment or validation that you don't in fact 'look shit'. It's a tough one this, and I actually don't have a lot of advice for it. Only you know what you gotta do, so do it. 

IF HE ASKS YOU OUT, THEN HE SHOULD PAY - Nothing more of a clit killer than when a man makes you pay for your own dinner after he called the date. If you call it, you pay or he should at least offer. Call it old fashioned, I call it fucking manners.

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT YOU - Are you really that self obsessed? When you read blogs or social network commentary do you take it personally? I s'pose everyone does to an extent, but then common sense and the dawning of the realization that, 'HEY! Not everything is about me!' enters the mind and you go on your merry little way. And FYI? This part is totally about you. 

QUIT HATING ON PEOPLE WHO ARE SHIT - If there ain't shit people, then you don't look as good as you do because you won't have the comparison. We need the shit people. Love you shit people! You don't have to hang around them (a summer festival in Australia can often be a shit people party) but don't sit on your 'I'm too cool' corner making judgments and passing obvious comments, because without them, you won't be you. Sometimes, besides having role models of who we aspire to be, it's good to have the 'role models' of those we avoid to be. Ya know?

MAKE TIME FOR FAMILY AND BUY YOUR NAN SOME FLOWERS - I don't give a toss about how you feel towards them (unless, you know, you were abused some shit) but I encourage you to get over it and bury the hatchet. Whatever that fucking means.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Perspective

Tragedy and natural disaster happen and people start throwing around the word 'perspective'. Why? Because the only way to make our problems easier to bare is to hear about someone having a worse time that you. I was perusing  my timeline on twitter at the time of hearing what happened in Japan...in fact, that's where I found out about it before quickly jumping on BBC to check it out. Almost instantly, the usually ironic or sarcastically clever tweets (all thought of spontaneously of course) turned to shout outs for Japan, prayers for Japan and general 'I love you Japan' commentary. You almost did a little cringe when people were still tweeting their lame shit as they had obviously not heard what had happened. You know that little feeling you got? It's called perspective. Things you would usually laugh at weren't as funny, they were actually quite irritating. You suddenly didn't really care if your boss was being a prize wanker or if old mate didn't reply to your text or if some nobody unfollowed you.  I can't help but think that these epic disasters, these gigantic fuck show situations, happen to do just that...kick our ass into perspective. You can't do much to help the situation over there, you can shout out 'prayers for Japan' etc...but we all know your ass ain't praying. These situations are disastrous, monstrous, incredibly frightening and sad. But they are only 'tragic' if people don't take heed and recognize. Recognize that what you have can be taken from you at any given second. Recognize your insignificance but recognizing the significance in what you do. People have died, but they only would have died in vain if we don't take the lessons that are so obviously and deliberately being thrown at us here. And recognizing that when the universe talks, we should shut the fuck up and listen.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-sept

LET'S TALK FEMALE EMPOWERMENT FOR A SECOND... - It's all bullshit...unless you do it for the right reasons. So you've had your heart broken, so old mate has a new girlfriend, so you are flailing a little at life....that don't mean you need to be out on the piss 24/7 looking for guys and doing crazy things in the hope that an ex or a someone you have a crush on will hear about it and think 'Whoah! This girl is awesome!' WRONG. True girl power is about being the best you can be and walking the walk as well as talking. the. shit.

IF A DUDE WRITES THAT HE IS BORED AS HIS FACEBOOK STATUS IT MEANS HE IS LOOKING FOR A VAGINA WITH A WOMAN ATTACHED TO IT - John: 'I'm bored' Girl 1 likes this, Girl 2 likes this Girl 3 'Same' Girl 4 'I'm just at home doing nothing' Girl 5 'Same! So I'm watching redtube to keep me occupied ;)' Girl 6 likes this Random Dude: 'Have a wank!' (I always love those dudes haha, Owl) - Do you see the pattern here? Don't get sucked in.

THRUSH - Treat it. Nuff said.

THERE IS A CERTAIN DIGNITY ABOUT HAVING A SATURDAY IN ON YOUR OWN - Have a long sudsy shower. Cover yourself in body lotion even your boobs! Blow dry your hair and spray perfume. Put on something uber comfy. Make your favourite meal...even if its mac and cheese out the packet who cares! You're on your own and no one can see! Have a movie marathon...I recommend any Molly Ringwald flick. Light some candles. Make a little bed on the living room floor. Open a bottle of wine. And to finish the night off make oyourself cum before sleeping like a baby. Then phone someone sexy to go for pancakes with the next morning. DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE PRIVATE DATE YOU HAD WITH YOURSELF!

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN YOU SHOULD REARRANGE SOMETHING IN YOUR APARTMENT - Whether you hang a picture somewhere else, rearrange the kitchen cupboards or decide that the you would prefer your bookshelf in the study...whatever! I don't know why, but somehow it makes you feel like you are in control of your life and organized. Kind of.

Remember: Nothing in your life is that important because there are kids starving in Africa.

The rest of the advice posts for those that are new

Owls SEX alphabet: M - R

M - is for MAKING OUT. Nobody makes out anymore! It's just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as 'pash rash' in this eloquent country), or when you are grinding on each other so viciously you are in danger of burning a hole in your clothes or when teeth sometimes connect? YUM. Go make out with someone.

N - is for NAKED. Guess what? A bit of nudity is involved in the process of luuuuuuuuurve making. Yeah I know. Yikes. The other person is about to see parts of you that you hardly ever even see without the help of contortion and a compact mirror. BUT NEVER FEAR! They are feeling just as freaked out about it! Well...not 'freaked out' but yeah,  stranger is about to see your privates. It's weird. But it's sex. And if you're doing it right, you won't even notice/care what's going on. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. Real sex is not pretty...that's why God made porn stars.

O - is for ORGASM. As in, help a brother out in helping you to achieve one by guiding and softly pointing him in the right direction. Don't be a lazy bitch afterwards and return the favor. You are a vending machine and the other person expects change. O could also be for OCTOPUS, like have you SEEN that vid that went around where this girl put an entire ...um...never mind.

P - is for PUSSY. Don't be afraid to say it.

Q - is for QUALITY. You aren't a teenager anymore. Conveyor belt sex only turns you into an emotionless robot. Aim for quality or go without. Trust me, a rubbish shag is worse than a night in with the two hands that God gave you.

R - is for RESPECT. As well as trust. Sex is intimate and it is personal. You don't necessarily have to love each other, but you should respect each other.  No matter what, there is always a chance that it could turn awkward if the person you are sexing is not your respective boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good helping of respect will ensure that awkwardness goes out the window and hopefully no one gets hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody do they?

(The irony is not lost on me that I write this on a Saturday night. Excuse me while I finish peeling this label off the bottle)

A - F
G - L