Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-douze

DON'T START AN ARGUMENT JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CARE - There is this new thing where others just feel irritated by insecure people instead of feeling sorry for them. You see, we all have insecurities and we all have different ways in nurturing (yes nurturing) them.  So if you want to pick a fight just so they can send you message after message going, 'Whats wrong?' or 'Are you OK?' therefore making you feel wanted and desired then you need to sit the fuck down and figure out what will make you happy and sort your life out.

GUYS ENJOY GAGGING - I think its because it makes them feel like their dick is massive. Don't worry, you won't actually throw up but make the noise. They like it. And you want to make them happy don't you? The sadistic bastards.

HE/SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH - It's private and none of their business and will only cause unreasonable drama. If they ask, just lie. Serves them right for being nosy.

GIRLS: HAVE SPECIAL PERIOD KNICKERS - Like ones you only wear during your period. You don't go hiking in your Jimmy Choos do you?  Exactly.

BORED, UNINSPIRED AND IRRITABLE? - Get a new haircut. Buy new sheets. Cook something you've never tried before. Reorganize your kitchen. Say yes to the guy who has been asking you out for ages.  Failing all of these? Pack up, sell everything you don't need and move to a new city.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 27

FOR BOYS ONLY

FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean.  Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.

DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.

DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?

'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION - Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.

Owls SEX alphabet: G - L

G - is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can't fit your itty bitty mouth around it nor get it down your delicate throat. Humor them please and suck it like you are starving.

H - is for HAIR. Yes. Hair down there and everywhere. Some dudes like it, some don't. In all honesty, I think we have spoilt them. What with the rising popularity of Brazilian waxing, everyone has gone bald eagle in their nether regions. Now it has become expected rather than appreciated. Gee hey, they can be lucky they are even being allowed to visit el paso del pussy, let alone make demands on your landscaping. If you like it all off do it, if you don't? Then don't! It's kinda like how some of us prefer circumcised over non circumcised...we aren't exactly asking them to go into the bathroom with a blade and a bottle of Dettol now are we? Just make sure you keep it groomed and clean...if you invite someone over for a garden party, you make sure you trim the hedges.

I - is for INTENSITY. Know when to turn it up and when to hit cruise control. You can only do the mad, scratching, hair pulling button ripping fuck shows now and again for them to be effective. Otherwise you will eventually run out of clothes innit? The mornings are good for a slow lazy shag but hey, there is no right or wrong time. It's what feels good at the time. But like any workout, you need to vary the intensity in order for it to be effective and to stop it from becoming boring. The worst thing that could ever happen to sex is predictability.

J - is for JIZZ. Sorry for being all obvious about it. But yeah. Jizz. Cum. Load. Happy juice. Semen. Whatever. There are so many things relating to it...where does it go? Back, chest or face? Who sleeps in the wet patch? (you sleep in your own) and WHY have they not made sheets in mother of pearl?!?  NO it doesn't taste nice, but its not exactly intolerable either. Just er...suck it up and get on with it and don't make a big deal about it.  Damn those porn stars for making it look like we love it...WE DON'T!!! Nobody does. We just pretend we do to make them happy BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF GIRL WE ARE!

K - is for KY. Lube it or lose it baby.

L - is for LOVE. You don't have to be in it to win it. Innit.

LETTERS A - F
To be continued...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 24

FOR BOYS ONLY

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE FELLAS WHO KNOW WHATS UP

THANK YOU FOR NOT GETTING IT IN OUR EYE - Shit stings like a rolled up wet towel to the back of the leg.  We love you for being careful.

THANK YOU FOR NOT POPPING YOUR COLLAR - And a BIG thank you for not popping the collar on a baby pink Ralph Lauren polo.  And we could give you a pins and needles inducing wristie for not teaming this with ill fitting bootleg jeans and highlighting the tips of your hair. MWAH!  When you pop, we most certainly are able to stop.

THANK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ALL OVER TOWN ABOUT WHAT WE ARE LIKE IN THE SACK - You see, it doesn't work the same for us as it does for you.  If people get wind of how big your dick is and that you can lick pussy like an electric paintbrush, you are labeled KING!  If if gets round town that we can suck like a Dyson and ride like we at the rodeo, then girls call us sluts and gentlemen get their dirty text message sleaze on.  We still have a long way to go till equality and we thank you for your discretion.

SHOUT OUT TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T MOCK AND JUDGE OUR LOVE OF GOSSIP GIRL AND OTHER SUCH MINDLESS TELEVISION - Yeah, it's probably because you guys are under the understanding that it's not like you are sitting in front of the financial news every evening, and are instead playing with your little make believe digital men and shooting other cartoons. We all have our vice's and thank you for respecting our shallow girly ones!

A BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE KIND AND CONSIDERATE TO YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS - Thank you for having the maturity in knowing that some things just don't work out and that parading some bimbo around town and writing cryptic Facebook updates won't make you feel any better in the end.  Owl girls LOVE a man with integrity.

A BIG MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE MEN WHO KNOW HOW TO PUT A PILLOW UNDER OUR ASS - It's just win win all round.

Big love...your little Christmas Owl x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY

CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS -  Else there ain't NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us herpes?  Not to mention the possibility of chicken grease and various other food like residues.  A bit of Dettol hand wash goes a long way my lovelies.

YOU ARE NOT A 'FAG' IF YOU WEAR SKINNY JEANS - WHY are some of you acting like they have just come into fashion or something?  Aren't we over it now? They're here. They're queer. Get used to it.

DON'T PULL THAT HORRIFIED FACE WHEN WE GO TO KISS YOU AFTER A BLOWJOB - What are you scared of?  It's your own penis!  You scratch your balls all day long, and by the look of your fingernails, I KNOW you ain't be washing yo hands before you eat your sushi. And by sushi, I mean salmon NOT twat.

SEND FLOWERS - Chicks who say they hate receiving flowers are tryna be all 'new age' and anti old school romance in order to impress you.  What they don't realise is that so many of you are slightly clueless and if they start bashing at the classics then they gonna get nothing.  Roses are always good, white or pink.  Personally I'm a tulip girl.  In case you were wondering.

EAT PUSSY - Use your fingers.  Whip that tongue back and forth. Nibble. Suck. Softly tap with your fingers. Make her cum in your mouth. Spit it back at her. Put that finger in deeper. Tell her how pretty her pussy is. I swear to God she will declare you king of her world.  Don't wanna give head? Well then you better make your way to the florist quick smart son.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-quartorze

QUIT TRYIN TO PLEASE EVERYBODY AND JUST FOCUS ON YOURSELF - Then you will stop feeling so unappreciated.

*EURGH* MUSICAL 'KNOW IT ALLS' JUST SHUT THE HELL UP - Yes it's all very clever how you know the exact date of the release of some band's 3rd album, and who they sampled, and how they are all influenced by Nick Cave or whatever...we can read the music blogs too buddy.  Notice how these music fancy pants always try to name the line up for a festival before it's released and they are 95% of the time wrong?  God is bored of you.

GIRLS, SOMETIMES IT IS KIND TO GAG - Like if he spent a fair bit on dinner, and he is a good kisser and  calls when he says he will and is the right combo of sensitive and manly.....but he is a little, um...shall we say...not given his fair share in the trouser snake department?  You should totally make gagging noises during the blowjob.   It's just a kind thing to do. He deserves it.

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?  DO YOU WHINE AT HIM ALL THE TIME?  DO YOU FIGHT WITH HIM DURING PARTIES AND CALL HIM INCESSANTLY WHEN HE IS WITH HIS FRIENDS?  - All his mates probs hate you and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) wish that he would just fuck you off.  If you have to whine, it's not worth the time.  Just stop it.

LOSE THE BELLY BUTTON RING - It used to be cute...like in 1997.  Now it just joined the eye brow ring in the tacky department.

STOP LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH WET HAIR - Yuck. It really isn't a good look honey. Plus you will catch cold.

WHAT'S WITH THE PUTTING ON DISGUSTING TRAINERS WITH YOUR WORK ATTIRE AT THE END OF THE DAY? - I hate this with a passion.  I understand that heels can be bastards to the feet, but SURELY there are more appropriate shoes that are comfortable to walk to the train in after work?  And if you must wear those nasty ass trainers, at least compensate with a more appropriate outfit like a tracksuit or some shit.  God girl, I'm only saying it because I care but you look real 'pedestrian'.

CARRY A TAMPON WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES - Otherwise shit gets real when you didn't know shit was coming....mmmm girl, you know what I'm talkin about.

Results may vary x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-neuf

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-quatre

IF YOU ARE FINDING DIFFICULTY IN GIVING YOUR DOG HIS TABLET AND YOU WOULD RATHER POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE THAN RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT, PUT IT IN A LUMP OF PEANUT BUTTER...WORKS LIKE A DREAM - Thank you ClawMoney!

MAKE SURE YOU LOOK HOT IN YOUR FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE - Dude, are you crazy to put wack shit up there? God knows who's checking you out...it could be anyone! Stop putting those idiotic pics up where you think you are being all 'I don't care about looking cool' and therefore think everyone will think you are, in fact, 'cool'. We all want to be down...lets be honest.

SOMEONE IS TALKING BEHIND YOUR BACK RIGHT NOW...LIKE RIGHT THIS MINUTE! - What you gonna do about it? I'll tell you what you do...you do absolutely fuck. all. Look here lady, you can't be amazing and expect people not to get jelly and talk shit. It's what humans do to make themselves feel better about their own love handles/sluttiness/fuck show of a life. We all do it...so get off your high horse.

IS HE TAKING AGES TO BLOW AND YOU JUST WANT IT OVER WITH NOW? - Sit on his face and give him the 'ol double handed blow job. It works as well as putting your dogs medication in peanut butter. Believe.

VOTE - 'cause not voting is for mugs and people without opinion. Who ARE these people?

CREATIVE PEOPLE...THIS IS FOR YOU - The difference between you and the artist/writer/musician you admire is only marginally talent, but mostly it's because they got off their ass and did it. The mountain ain't never coming to Mohammad baby.

REMEMBER...keep that shit tight.

XXXO

ARTWORK BY INSA

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-trois

PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME - For many reasons, but mainly because the anxiety of them hanging over your head is way stressful. Plus a clean credit rating is a fun thing to have.

KEEP UP THE DIRTY TALK - It's hot. And it will keep him rock hard.

SWALLOW - It's hella less messy and it doesn't taste THAT bad. Don't be such a fucking girl about it! Plus if you do it right it can totally miss your tongue i.e. your taste buds, and hit the back of your throat. Keep a glass of something nearby either way.

I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, PLEASE IGNORE THE DO'S AND DON'TS IN THOSE FUCKING SO CALLED 'FASHION MAGAZINES' - Double denim is fine. Horizontal stripes are fine. Who the fuck are they?

THERE IS A 6 MONTH RULE WITH REGARDS TO GETTING WITH A GUY YOUR FRIEND GOT WITH - I don't mean ex boyfriends of friends...that is a different matter entirely. I mean the dude who your friend was kinda seeing like for 2 weeks or some shit. Don't just be hopping on that conveyor belt. Sure, she doesn't own him, but let's be honest...there is defs a certain amount of territorial shit going on. I'm sure you can understand? Haven't we all been on both sides of the fence at some stage? Don't scrimp on sensitivity.

DON'T BE A BITCH FOR THE SAKE OF BEING A BITCH - Otherwise it's fine. Like if someone is tryna take the piss, or if the situation calls for it.

Yeah yeah, I know I'm one to talk...that's why I say I don't use it anyway. Innit. x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-neuf

DRESS UP IN HIS FAVOURITE SPORTING TEAMS KIT - With nothing underneath and a will to please. There's a good girl.

QUIT SMOKING OR BETTER YET, DON'T EVEN START - I know it's easier said than done. But it's really not very good for you honey. Even though I will admit, it does look kinda chic.

GIVE HIM HEAD LIKE YOU HAVEN'T EATEN IN A WEEK - It works.

THE ONLY THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD THAT TAKES AWAY A KILLER HEADACHE IS NUROFEN LIQUID CAPSULES - Then sleep.

IF YOU HAVE ACRYLIC NAILS, MAKE SURE YOU APPLY CUTICLE OIL - Don't forget about your OG's. Throw 'em a bone from time to time.

DON'T BE PRODDING THOSE BIRDS WHO HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH SOME JUNK IN THE CHEST AREA, IT'S NOT CHILL - We don't go around flicking your fried eggs. Ya get me?

PERCEPTION IS ONE'S OWN REALITY - Bare that in mind at all times, and go easy on your fellow humans.

Who is gonna peep 'Alice in Wonderland' this week? xx

artwork by: Lola

Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.

OK, so I'm just gonna say it from the start. This is a blog about blow jobs. Now I have to be careful here because my dear mother reads my blog entries. But I did dish out some advice in an earlier entry advising that you should learn to give decent head in order to be somewhat in power. I also then realised that this made me sound like some kind of connoisseur which it in fact...it does. Kidding kidding, look I'm no expert on the subject of fellatio but I do think I might know a thing or two, as a lady who has had very few complaints. Ehrm, OK maybe a few. Geez, this is awkward. Look I'm only writing this 'cause you lot asked me to OK?

OK ... here goes ...

EYE CONTACT - Keep your hair out of your face and keep looking up at him - they love this.

EASY DOES IT - When I say 'easy' I mean 'go slow' not BE easy, because this kind of act should only be dished out to those that are entitled to the privilege. And ladies...it IS a privilege.

USE YOUR HANDS WISELY - Be careful when introducing your hands with your um, mouth because you could be calling curtain at a very early stage.

WATCH OUT FOR FRICTION - I'm only going to ever say this once, but a good dose of um...spit...goes along way. I'm just saying.

WATCH THE CHOMPERS - Yeah ladies...teeth. Most girls wrap their lips around their teeth to protect the gentleman, but all that does is it creates a hard ridge. Just shield your bottom teeth with your tongue and open your mouth as wide as possible so that your top teeth stay clear. Ehrm, can't believe I just wrote that.

DON'T FORGET THE UM, SCROTUM - They love it, they really do. Look that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Yes yes yes, this hasn't been the most insightful bit of information I admit. And I don't want to come off as a some kind of harlot, I'm just tryna help a sister out OK?