I kniw it's really short notice but I'm throwing a party on Saturday! You should totes come innit

SHRED TAVERN DOES HALLOWEEN

Fuck I hate Halloween. Mainly 'cause I famously hate dress ups.  But I DO like Shred Tavern and the boys are throwing quite the epic party this Saturday.  I am actually going and everything...it must be good.

The Obnoxious Owl Experience: Why? Because I can.

It's so weird how voyeuristic we've become.  Well, I dunno actually, is it weird?  I think we have always been nosey parkers, but now we have the means to do it properly is all.  So let me help your inquisitive mind and give you a tiny insight into the life of the Owl.  Again. 

So here I am in the bath.  I just thought my outfit matched.  Beck (my bezzie mate and pap) was only too pleased to capture my idea of me laying in the bath.  Yeah, looks pretty glamorous there but I'll tell you what is most definitely NOT glamorous...me waking up on the backseat of my car the following morning, clutching a bag of Doritos with my hand in my knickers.  That's what.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The stuff that makes you 'that guy' at a party

We've all been to a party where there has been that 'non-chiller' who just throws the spanner in the works. Or vomits on the carpet.  Don't be that guy.

LEAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING iPOD ALONE - If it ain't your party, you don't get to just get up and change the tunes, ESPECIALLY if you are just an extension of someone else who was actually invited to said soiree...then it's just plain rude.  Plus, 'that guy' who always takes it upon himself to be 'DJ Extrodinaire' just fucks with the vibe and there is nothing worse than having a song nuked right in the middle followed by hearing 2.5 seconds of the beginning of each song until he finds his desired track.  And whats that?  You brought your own ipod? Congratulations! Now fuck off.

BYO - Don't be a cheap cunt.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante et un

JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK IT AND DON'T SAY IT, DOESN'T MAKE YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE - The trick is to fight the urge and try to become a better person. Yeah. I laughed when I wrote that.

DON'T CHEAT - It's a cunty thing to do. And don't blame others when you get caught either. With every action there is a reaction ... and all that jazz.

IF YOUR PEE IS BRIGHT YELLOW YOU NEED MORE WATER - Neon piss ain't healthy yo!

DON'T BURN THE FANNY PACK - You bastards will all be wearing one in 6 months, and I'll have moved on to bigger and better things...like a wrist bag for example.

YOU KNOW THAT THING THAT YOU THINK WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU? - Well it will. I almost guarantee that you will drop your phone down the toilet.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR IPHONE - It is so yawn right now. Hell, if I didn't sport gangsta nails I too would be down with the touch screen and all it's fancy technological baubles.

PARTY WHILE YOU CAN - Plenty of time for nanna naps and being boring i.e. when you're dead, or shortly before you die, like when you smell of urine and moth balls.

IF YOU ARE MISERABLE AND YOU ARE AT A PARTY, THEN GO HOME - Sleep it off. Don't piss on everyone else's parade.

Wow, how chirpy am I after my trip to blighty?!

x

2 Birds ... 1 Stone ...

I wish I could take the credit for coming up with the name, but alas, young Peche (who doodled the ghetto owl) was the wordsworth. Who knew! If you are in Perth on the 30th July, or if you want to fly in, you should totes hit this up. It's the Owl at the Bird! Just one big 'ol fucking avery. (It also just happens to be my birthday on this day....sshhh)

Get in the nest x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-cing

THE WORD 'PAKI' IS NOT COOL - Not everyone who looks like they could be from Pakistan are from Pakistan. How would you feel if you were called an American if you were Canadian? Irish if you were Scottish? Kiwi if you were Aussie? A racist just because you were a white South African? Fuck off with your ignorance.

IT'S UBER TACKY TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR EX - So it didn't work out? Move on! 1 on 1 bitch fests with your best mate over wine is OK though.

MAKE SURE YOU CLEAN YOUR GENITALS PROPERLY - FOR SEE.REE.OWS. It's a moist crevice for God's sake! Shit can get nasty. It takes like 4.5 seconds in the shower and remember to wipe properly! Plus if it's period time, ya need to bathe more. You may think I'm a bit OTT with this, but my bitches know about the girls I'm talking about. (Sozz I called them genitals - it's a pretty cringe word)

EVERY SO OFTEN YOU NEED A 'MEDIA BOYCOTT' - Yup that means an entire day with no twitter, email, facebook, myspace (does that even still exist?). I swezz to God it helps clear the head. Go take a long bath, read a book, phone a friend instead chatting on the interweb. Let's get back to basics for 24 hours.

IT'S NOT COOL TO LEAVE A PARTY WITHOUT SAYING 'G'BYE - At least make sure you say adios and thanks to the host. Rule of thumb: If there is less than 5 people at the bash, you have to say bye to all of 'em. Else they'll talk about when you leave for defs.

NEVER HAVE SEX IN YOUR PARENTS BED - Would you like it if they had sex in yours? Exactly. And furthermore, if any of my friends are reading this, you may only have sex in my bed if you are good looking. I want no ugly 'ma fuckers bumping and grinding between my sheets thanks.

No thank YOU x

Chris Hemingway - Event Organising Machine

OK, so it's no secret I'm planning an epic party on Feb 27th to raise funds for Haiti and to get a bunch of amazoid peeps together. There are many fingers in this feathery pie so in the run up to the event I will be introducing you to them one at a time, and who better to start with but the brains behind operation.

This would not be possible if it weren't for the help and mastermind of my very dear friend Chris Hemingway. If there were a country called 'PARTY' then Hemingway would be the prime minister. Nobody can pull a bash together like this fine specimen of a male. Get excited because Hemingway is presenting the knee's up of the summer in my opinion. He does an owl proud.

The Hemingway vision for a dope party is ... a banging dance floor is all you need really, everything else is a bonus … I guess growing up in the Hills, always building new cubbies as a kid, (in order to commit all that was mischievous at the time) was the substitute for being locked in a room playing computer games and that’s why I always feel the need to get busy when it comes to entertaining … you can put some drinks in eskies and turn up the stereo or you can build a new arena in the backyard every time in order to keep things … stimulating (if truth be told though, I ummm... I really like to party)

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OBNOXIOUS OWL PARTY

Yeah so what was supposed to be a small get together for all my rad Perth readers has turned into quite the extravaganza! Not that I'm complaining. During the planning process the horrible earthquake hit HAITI and I decided, along with my good friend Chris Hemingway (stay tuned to the blog to meet the geezer) to do my bit and help out - every little helps after all.

There will be beer, a Jamaican food van that Hemingway tracked down at the recent RaggaMuffin Festival, owl cupcakes, a pretty impressive music line up, prizes and much much more! I don't want to give too much away in my excitement but you would be mad not to join us. PLUS I wanna meet you all face to face! Just don't ask for any advice...I might not be in the right state of mind to give it and you'll end up looking more like Coco the clown than Coco Chanel.

Bloody love ya xx