Owls SEX alphabet: X Y Z

X - is for XXX. Triple X. Adult films. PORN.  Remember when people use to call them 'blue movies'? WHY? Can someone share some light on this please? Anyway. We have come a long way in regards to this issue. Gone are the days where you had to sheepishly grab your brown paper bag off the counter and hope you didn't run into your nan when you left the shop. Our ever faithful, ever loyal old mate the internet has sorted that right out. I don't know about you, but I reckon when you are in the mood for 'a bit of blue' then you need it there and then. Sod going down the shops and feeling like a pervert. HELLO YOUPORN.COM!  Porn is fun! It's even more fun watching it with someone else. Although I must say, you do want to go easy on it because it can make the 'normal' stuff start losing its effect and turn you jaded. Like before you know it you might find yourself typing 'amateur on casting couch forced into fisting'.  For instance.

Y - is for YELLING. This is actually a stand in of a word for moaning, dirty talk and sex noises. Also I couldnt think of anything else starting with Y. I'm telling ya, throw your head back and sing his praises. But don't scream like a banshee please for THE LOVE OF GOD.  He wants to feel like he is pleasing you NOT killing you.

Z - is for ZEST.  Enjoy yourself for God's sake. Ain't nobody forcing you to do anything (I hope) so let loose. Make the most of it. Go with the flow and use a fucking condom.

BIG LOVE X

A - F   G - L   M - R  S - W

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT - I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki's verse in Monster for such an activity.

MASTURBATE A LOT - Duh!

WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON - See above.

GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE - And make the bathroom mirror look like a painters radio.

PLAY THE MUSIC THAT YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU LISTEN TO LOUDLY - Embrace your secret pleasure! Only God can judge you.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH FOOD THAT YOU ARE TOO SHY TO DO IN FRONT OF PEOPLE - Like put more Parmesan on your pasta so there ends up being more cheese than ravioli on your plate. Murder your mac and cheese with so much ketchup it almost looks like an abortion. Eat the entire slab of rocky road Cadburys chocolate. Shove a courgette up your fanny. You know...the usual.

LEAVE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN - Even when you're doing a poo!

PUT ON YOUR SECRET OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION AND PARADE AROUND THE PLACE - I know you be knowing what I'm talking about bitch!

HAVE 'THAT' SKYPE CALL WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE FUCK BUDDY - Oh don't act coy. Of course this whole list was going to consist of lust, gluttony and poor taste. Our secret behavior ain't so secret 'cause we all do it!

Take Ryan Boserio's advice...he's just gonna flush it anyway!

Yup, it's still all about the boys.  Let's hear it from another perspective, it's not all about me you know! Well for November anyway.  Perth based Artist Ryan Boserio from Last Chance Studio shares some words of wisdom for the bitches ...

FOR GIRLS ONLY

DRINK IN PUBLIC - Street drinking is the perfect test of a woman. If you're too good to street drink then what else are you too good for?


DON'T WEAR HEELS IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT - If you're drunk and you fall off your heels, or if they are turning your feet into something that looks like Freddy Kruegers face then learn your lesson and just chill out- rock something else for a while. 


READ MORE - You dumb.


DEVELOP INTERESTS - Shopping and hair don't count. It's a cruel joke that men have interests and women have interests in men. If you get rejected picking up and you've got nothing to fall back on, then how can you play it cool like “Whatever- I didn't want to waste time with him anyway, I got some Lego building to do.” ?


SHUT UP WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK - For real, we all know that ladies like crying and freaking out and getting all upset and getting hell deep. Stop that. The lads that were thinking about hooking up with you are now thinking about your mental instability.


STOP YELLING AT YOUR BOYFRIEND IN PUBLIC - Get mad all you like, you're allowed, but know that this isn't a reality TV show. Airing your dirty laundry is for plebs. Go home and fight. 


WATCH PORN. - I mean the kind of porn that men watch. It's cool if you get turned on by it, but if you don't, then think of it as research. Dudes watch that shit all the time and they probably want to do some of those things with you. If you're already with a dude and he suggests some shit you haven't tried; fucking google it. 


This one time I Googled it, and the men in suits came over and took my computer away wearing rubber gloves...what do you think it means?? , Love Owl x

Ryan loves planes and twitter, sometimes even facebook.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY

ASK BEFORE YOU JIZZ - Mouth/Face/Tits - it's not for you to decide.

WE ARE DIFFERENT TO YOU - Like, we can't stay with you just because you're pretty but you are bad in bed.  It definitely seems as though you are able to date some hottie who sucks dick like a dead goldfish but nah ah...not us fellas.  Moral of the story?  Be amazing in bed.

STOP RUINING GIRLS WITH YOUR FUCK SHOW MIND GAMES - Yeah girls are suckers for it.  Yeah, some woman has probably fucked with your head once before and now you have 'trust issues' ... blah blah, well do me a favour and tell Dr Phil instead of getting under girls skin and then leaving her for wondering and anxiously checking her phone.

STOP WAXING/SHAVING YOUR CHEST! - We actually love chest hair...true story.  It's the back hair we ain't so keen on.  A lovely little tuft on your chest is way better than regrowth stubble.  Stubble is on the jawline, not the chest.  Get it right!

CARRY CONDOMS - You never know when you're gonna get lucky.  And if she is offended that you just happen to have a little cock raincoat in your pocket, then she probably deserves to get herpes or worse...pregnant.

IF YOU GO OVER TO 'WATCH DVD'S', TAKE A BOTTLE OF WINE - It'll make you look great and earn you major points.  Also, if ya feeling daring, take a dirty film and if the mood looks as though it may swing that way then maybe suggest that 'a friend of yours left one of his porno's in your car and wouldn't it be funny if you guys watched it?'  You know, say it's a friends so that you don't look like a creepy pervert. 

Wear a condom! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-neuf

THE ODD DRESS UP/ROLE PLAY GOES DOWN A TREAT - Please note: The nurse/police/air steward outfit is for bedroom only...NOT Halloween. But then again, these are all predictable and obvious. Rather use your imagination and get involved in something he enjoys. Like if he enjoys Star Wars, get all Princess Leia on his ass or if he is a massive baseball fan, wear nothing but his favourite team's jumper with slutty underwear underneath, plus the possibilities for the bat are endless.

YOU CAN'T GET ANGRY 'CAUSE HE HAS A BIT OF PORN ON HIS PHONE - It's only natural. Get involved! Send him a 'self made' video. (only if you are in a long term COMMITTED relationship, else this could end in tears). I understand getting upset if he swears against the stuff yet he turns out to be a sneaky porn squirrel, or if he has a video of a woman getting hammered by a horse...well, actually that's not TOO bad. I'm kidding! Geez.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THE MUSIC, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S SHIT - For example, I actually cannot listen to metal for more than 2.75 seconds. It's not my personal taste, yet I acknowledge that they are probs talented musicians and their sounds matter to a whole bunch of people. And while we're on the subject, just because you are into the most obscure, weirdo sounding beats, does mean you have epic taste in music. The end.

YOU KNOW THAT IDEA YOU HAVE? - Put it into production. Talk is cheap mother fucker.

IF HE DOESN'T ASK FOR YOUR PHONE NUMBER, IT'S BECAUSE HE DON'T WANT IT - This sad little fact is brutal but oh so true :(

YOU KNOW THOSE LONELY NIGHTS? - Read a book, phone a friend, watch Gossip Girl, write, masturbate, go for a walk, bake banana bread buy increds things on ebay just DON'T FUCKING MESSAGE OR CALL HIM!!!!!!!

Or you could even read older posts of Obnoxious Owl ;) xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 10

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-neuf

JUST TO TOUCH ON AN EARLIER POST... - The following should also be avoided being used as lube: olive oil, Vaseline, lube that is made to 'tingle' (some sadistic bastard made this), hand cream or any other kind of moisturiser, baby oil, flavoured lube (seriously, what are they playing at here?) - stick to KY - or any other brand that has no bells and whistles. Or anything you would use to make dinner afterwards.

DO NOT JUST ACCEPT THAT YOUR GUMS BLEED EVERY TIME YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH - Can you say 'gingivitis'? Well try, because that's what you have. Buy a mouth wash that specifically targets gum disease, same with toothpaste. Floss those fuckers too...yes it's a pain in the ass, but bleeding gums are not chic. And don't give me the 'mouthwash can cause mouth cancer' bullshit. Just stop your gums from bleeding OK?

USE YOUPORN.COM SPARINGLY - I'm all for porn in fact, I love the stuff. Thing is though, it can make you a little jaded and you may lose touch on reality. For example; after watching it for hours the 'amateur gang bang' may become like watching a Disney movie, so you may find yourself typing in 'drunk girl abused on train' into the search engine to get your fix. I'm just saying it's a possibility.

EVERYONE SHOULD OWN A PAIR OF HIGH TOP CONVERSE - And they should be black. I don't mean leave out the other colours, I'm just saying you should have a black pair. It's a classic and is in the same family as blue jeans, RayBan's and white tshirts.

'PLAYBOY', DRAGONS, 'SKIN' AND OTHER SUCH TACKY STICKERS BELONG ON TEENAGERS PENCIL CASES - Not on your car. The odd bumper sticker is alright I suppose. And if you are one of the lucky ones to have an Obnoxious Owl sticker...well...that goes without saying.

peace out x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 2

FOR BOYS ONLY

DON'T BREAK UP WITH A GIRL VIA TEXT MESSAGE/TWITTER/FACEBOOK OR GETTING A FRIEND TO TELL HER - Listen, I know you'd rather dangle your balls in a tank filled with flesh eating piranhas than break a girls heart to her face because you feel like a prize asshole but here's the thing...NOT doing it this way, makes you an asshole. Also, don't make empty promises by saying 'I just need space for a while' or 'It's because I had a real bad childhood and I'm scared of getting close' etc etc ... You must (and I cannot emphasise this enough) you MUST be perfectly clear that this is final. Over. Done for. Kaput. Because I'm telling ya fellas, she'll be dissecting every last word with her friends over ice cream later. DO NOT MINCE YOUR WORDS at the same time, don't be unkind. She'll get over it. Really. She will.

COMPLIMENT US, WE LOVE IT - And not in the creepy 'I love your tits' kinda way but more along the lines of 'That dress looks hot on you' or 'I like your taste in music'. We aren't actually that hard to fathom you know. OK maybe we are, but you've got this blog now so you'll be fine.

IN BED, WE LIKE TO HAVE OUR HAIR TUGGED A LITTLE - Not ripped out of our fucking scalp, just a little pull. Do it like you mean it, but don't forget your own strength. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain, try not to cross that line but by all means...run up to it.

IF YOU WANT TO BE CELIBATE, THEN WALK AROUND WITH YOUR MOBILE PHONE ON A LITTLE HIP HOLSTER OR HAVE ONE OF THOSE BLUE TOOTH MICROPHONE THINGIES - It's not essential, but it will help.

HIDE YOUR PORN STASH FOR GOD'S SAKE - We know you have it and we are aware that in fact boys will be boys. To be honest with you, most of us might partake in the odd movie watching with you once the relationship progresses...but some things belong in the bottom drawer and not next to the toilet OK?

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE LOADS OF MONEY, DRIVE A FANCY CAR OR HAVE A HIGH FLYING JOB - But we don't want you to be constantly borrowing money off us and your mates, have no way of getting around and no job. You see gentleman, there comes a time when you have to pull your finger out your ass and grow the fuck up. If you are over the age of 24, are not a student, have a jumbo jet size bong, live with 6 room mates and work at Mcdonalds....well...really? Do I really need to tell you this?

We love you. Porn stash and all. xx