Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-six

SOMETIMES, LIKE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU - I know it sometimes seems that everything in your life is in the toilet and that everyone else around you looks like their life is sparkly and full of rainbows...nah ah sister, why don't you ask someone how THEY are doing for a change?   Sometimes when you are whinging and whining, I can almost guarantee that your mate is listening to you and thinking, 'Look love, could you kindly fuck off I am in the middle of booking an abortion here' ... We don't always know what somebody else may be going through is all I'm saying.

CLEAN YOUR DILDO/VIBRATOR - I didn't want to use the word 'crusty' but...you've left me no other option.  Please ladies, look after your hot box.

STOP ASKING IF YOU LOOK FAT WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ONLY WEIGH 50KG - Its annoying to those of us who weigh a little more and it also makes people want to rugby tackle you to the ground, and force feed you mars bars.  Work on that insecurity honey.

IF YOU USED TO BE THIN AND YOU PUT ON A BIT OF WEIGHT, THEN YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE HOW YOU USED TO WHEN YOU WERE THIN - And when I say a bit of weight, I mean like 10kg.  Often I see girls who look bigger than what they actually are because they dress wrong, then the truly curvy girls look banging because they dress accordingly.  Plus, you know yourself if you have put on some weight...don't act surprised.

BOYS HATE IT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT OUR PERIOD - It's blood coming out of our vagina's...can you fucking blame them?  Come on ladies! Some decorum if you please tsk tsk

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN VAGINA ... then how can you expect him to eat at Restaurant De la Pussy?

Keep it clean x

Sorry about all the talk of period and vagina's.  It's been one of those weeks x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ONE NIGHT STAND

KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF IN FOR - Do you think you might like the guy? Are you able to do this and not feel the need to compulsively message and facebook stalk him afterwards? Are you sure you are doing it because you are really horny and not just because you are attention starved? Think about these things sugar. And answer them truthfully. Because if you think you might want more...then stop yourself. Easier said then done I know. I'm like a frikkin express train...ever seen a train try to hit the breaks in a hurry? Yeah. Exactly.

USE PROTECTION - God knows where his fleshy sword has been in battle. And not only that but it's also all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

DO NOT FALL FOR HIS LINES - Look, we are all adults here. It's the 21st God damn fucking century...chicks have cobwebs of sexual starvation that need dusting with meaty feather dusters from time to time. Be up front about what you are about to do. Get him to be straight with you. It's the empty promises that are the head fuck. If you are in for the night only, let him know, so he can drop his little game plan and both parties can enter the night of passion on an equal footing. Unless he is a sadistic bastard and gets off on treating woman like disposable razors, you do not need to give up any ass for a dick-for-brains like this. Let some bimbo stroke his non existent ego and fluff his insecurities. You are better than that.

TRY TO STAY ON GOOD TERMS - Hey, you've just been mega intimate with another human being. He has seen parts of your body not even you have seen without the help of a small handheld mirror. If you bump into him, greet him with a smile and a knowing wink. Let's be mature about it. After all, if it was good, you might want to do it again.

THE ODD ONE NIGHTER EVERY SO OFTEN CAN BE SATISFYING AND GIVE YOU A SELF ESTEEM BOOST - However...the one nighter every WEEKEND can have the complete opposite effect. These sexy run in's should be viewed as a treat my lovelies and NOT as your staple diet

LEAVE THE PARTY TRICKS AND SECRET WEAPONS FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE THAN JUST A REAL LIFE DILDO - Look sweetheart, this is drive through...not a three course frikkin meal. If he wants caviar then he will need to put in the effort. You will give him the standard burger and fries meal and he will like it. If he is particulary deserving then maybe you can super size it and I mean MAYBE, but don't be doing that willy nilly. The one night stand is much like fast food in the way that it always seems like such a good idea at the time...it smells good, it tastes good and it often hits the spot. Thing is with fast food though, the satisfaction in usually fleeting...and you are still left feeling hungry.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ART OF BEING DECADENT

SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN - It's when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of red whilst listening to some tunes and just getting wonderfully wasted all on your own. Heck I'm doing it as I type this. I highly recommend TV on the Radio, The Strokes or The Velvet Underground for your listening pleasure.

MASTURBATE FOR AGES AND AGES - OK, this is how you need to do it. Get comfortable and look sexy, yeah you are on your own, but you ARE about to have sex with someone you truly love after all. I recommend lying in a sort of up right position with loads of pillows under your head. Make sure you tease yourself a bit first, you would get annoyed with a man if he just went for the in and out so why should you? You need to imagine your sexiest scenario...anything you want, don't hold back. You should never judge other peoples fantasy's. Some might enjoy the thought of a man pumping away at her while he wears her underwear...um, I'm just saying some people, I er...I don't actually KNOW anyone who might like this. Kinda. You need to take a few hours out of your Sunday afternoon and have some precious 'me' time. Figure out for yourself what you like and what feels good. It will make you a better teacher.

PULL A SICKIE - You need to be sensible here. If you do it on a Monday, a Friday or the day before or after a public holiday it looks suss. You also need to be feeling a little 'poorly' the day before, like you need to feel a bit run down and have a 'searing headache' coming on. Then when you call in, speak to your boss directly. Put on a little wimpy sound and a slight cough wouldn't fucking go amiss either. The next day, when you return to work, you will have to be somewhat run down too. Lose the eyeliner maybe...and the blusher for good measure. OK, so you've done it. Now spend the day wisely. Stay off facebook, in fact, stay away from the Internet and turn your phone off. Have a shower, make something indulgent like pancakes with loads of maple syrup and blueberries, put your favourite back to back box set on the DVD player and veg the fuck out. You can't do this too often mind you for 2 main reasons, 1) nobody likes a slacker; and 2) you will get a fat ass.

GO TO AN ART GALLERY/THE MUSEUM/OR A MOVIE ALL ON YOUR OWN - Buy a travelling cappuccino (aka 'takeaway coffee') and get involved in some culture. It's beyond liberating and it's totally inspiring. Plus, it sounds ultra sophisticated when you get asked, 'So, what did you do on Saturday?'...'Oh, I just caught that exhibit at the blahdy blah' ... 'Oh rad, who did you go with?' ... 'Oh just myself'. How cool are YOU!

BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS - They look and smell nice and they will cheer you up.

CLIMB A TREE WITH A FRIEND - Then sit up there and smoke a joint. Note: Obnoxious Owl is not condoning drug use, but this is a realists blog, and realists smoke doobies from time to time.

PUT YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM ON REALLY LOUDLY AND LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR BATHROOM - Primp, Pluck and Pamper. Get rid of all body hair. Apply some self tan. Wash and deep condition your hair. Do a face mask. Paint your nails AND toe nails. Rub body lotion all over yourself, even your tits. Your body is your temple apparently, praise it.

GET SUPER DRESSED UP, GRAB THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND HIT THE TOWN - Now, I don't mean get dressed up like a tramp, get sozzled on cheap booze and look like something that lines a birdcage by 4 o'clock in the morning. I mean put on that frock that makes you feel confident and makes your tits look great. Indulge in the most expensive cocktails that taste amazing and make you look chic for drinking them - (I love most things with the word 'cock' in the name) Walk around with your head held high and pretend you are famous and that everyone loves you. Talk to strangers - but don't be a pain in the ass, make new friends and dance like you mean it. Ain't life grand?

SOMETIMES, AND I DO MEAN SOMETIMES, YOU NEED CHEERING UP AND FOOD CAN DO THAT - Cupcakes. They are the food of the future. Think about it...it is a perfectly formed individual cake JUST FOR ONE PERSON. What the hell is more indulgent that that?!

You're welcome x