Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: My current beauty essentials Pt 4

Gather round ladies, Mama Owl gwaan tell ya what I use on my mug. Fuck, I'm no 'beauty guru' (beauty guru's don't say fuck for one thing) but I know what I like and I am just a little bottomless pit of opinion, so HEAR ME NOW!!

 This here is MAC's gel eyeliner pot or better known in the 'bizz' as FLUIDLINE and they call it fluid because it is. Fluid and smooth and long lasting.  Not only on your lid, but this little demon lasts a bloody age. I've had this pot near on 5 months now and shit's still just giving and giving.   You need an angled brush....exhibit A...

I have the MAC one as well. I mean, I was buying it from there and stuff and they gotta do their little upsells and flog you all the necessary apparatus. It's not like you can use this shit with your finger, the brush is uber essential, you'd think they'd throw in hey?!  Anyhow, it's not that expensive this eyeliner stuff, it's only like 40 bucks, the brush ain't too far off that.  But really, unlike boys, brushes last relatively forever if you take care of them. I tell ya, that little angled shape on this brush combined with that pot of black magic will give your eyes wings that'll make ya fly like Air Jamaica girl.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's all about the Benjamin

It's actually quite laughable I am attempting to give any advice on money. I am to money what Gary Glitter is to kids...dangerous and extreme. Seriously. Up until about 2 years ago I used to see cash as just a minor obstacle to getting something that I wanted. I'd like to think I've become a little more mature concerning my finances, and I receive a gazillion requests from readers to give money advice. Well...Ima gonna give it...but this really is a case of 'the blind leading the blind' if there ever was one! So if you'll excuse the hypocrisy but here we go...

START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - Even if it's a tenner a week. And if you are creeping into your thirties like me IT'S NOT TOO LATE! It sucks giant donkey balls being broke. Like not having money for a red leather jacket is one thing, but having no dosh for bus fare or bread is quite another. I reckon having two saving accounts is probs the best idealio...like one for a bit of money for those 'just in case I overspend and have to eat sand before payday' kinda saving account and one slightly more ambitious one for say a house or better, a Louis Vuitton luggage set. Trunk included. I think having a bit stashed away is just a clever thing to do. There is no denying.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT DON'T HAVE TO BREAK THE BANK - For example: nail varnish - it seems the cheaper brands have the freshest colours anyway. Spend more on a top coat, that will stop them from chipping. Well, it never stops it from chipping but it helps the colour stay put a little longer. Clothes - Invest in accessories and shoes and spend less on threads. I am totes being for serious here. Get yo ass down to the thrift store, and buy a $20 frock. Team it with $100 shoes and some banging earrings and the whole outfit will look a million bucks. Nasty shoes will make Chanel look like Cha-no-so-much. Body lotion: A bit of Johnson's & Johnson's never hurt anybody.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN WORKING FOR MCDONALD'S...BUT WHY SHOULD YOU? - If you are studying fashion, get your ass in a clothing store and hand them your resume. Marketing or Media? Go make tea for those professional networking bad boys. Hey man, I worked for a massive household name designer when I was just a mere 20 year old, sold a raincoat to Paul McCartney and helped Victoria Beckham buy some jeans - 6 months later I had them convinced I was a 'stylist'. My point is, don't just take any job because you need $$$...put some thought into it.

MAKE SMALL CHANGES - Make the morning latte regular instead of large. Hit the sale section of your favourite store, everything lands up there anyway! Mix some moisturiser with your foundation to make it last longer. Listen to the radio, and get involved with some cheeky downloads - them albums start adding up! Not to mention the space issue! Some things cannot be skimped on however...like toilet paper. Let's all be sensible here.

ENTERTAIN AT HOME - I fucking HATE themed parties but you could hold a Turkish night for example, instead of everyone dressing up like bloody Aladdin, you could toast some Turkish bread, whip up some chickpea deliciousness that IS hummus, wear a fez and blaze up the sheesha. Or if Turkish delights ain't your cup of apple tea...play a board game, my personal favourite is rude word scrabble. Get creative.

KEEP A CHANGE JAR - The ashtray in your car doesn't count. Throw all your loose change in it at the end of the day, and when it's full, bank the fucker.

Basically owlettes, nothing is a bargain if you don't have the cash. $2 is expensive if you only have $1....ya get me? Just remember: Prostitution is not big, and it's not clever. And if you have a partner that is always asking for money...tell homeboy to take his broke ass home.

Your body. Your life. Your bank account x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part seize

AVOID V.P.L - Visible. Panty. Line. If you can't handle a g-string then go without knickers rather than having this unsightly ridge around your bottom. The V.P.L does the same to an otherwise fabulous outfit what guys doing baby talk does to sex...'STOP! You're ruining it!'

SO, YOU'VE BROKEN UP BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU STILL FREQUENT THE SAME PLACES - Yeah. Fucking. Right. Nobody, including you, really thinks you are going to your old favourite Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday night for nachos. You are sooooo trying to run into him! Strike up a relationship with some new places to go. Much like your ex, those restaurants/pubs/coffee shops/clubs aren't the only place to go in town and somewhere else is bound to have better nachos. BREAK UPS GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE YOUR LIFE A MAKE OVER. So lets start with where you like to go for your Mexican fix.

THERE IS NO PERFUME LIKE CHANEL PERFUME - Celebrity fragrances are basically sugar water with some rose petals thrown into it. Much like the ones we used to make as a child. Although there may be a few exceptions...Gwen Stefani maybe, and possibly Kate Moss...possibly. But do we really want to wearing what Avril Lavigne deems cool? Let's not be silly now.

VINTAGE AND SECOND HAND CLOTHING IS JUST WONDERFUL - But would you mind washing the stuff before wearing it please? As the saying goes, 'You don't know where it's been'.

PEOPLES RELIGIOUS BELIEFS SHOULD BE LEFT ALONE - The amount of Atheists that bang on about the um...big bang theory are just as grating as those from the God Squad that speak Christianese all day long. We all have a theory, just like we all have ass holes.

IF YOU ARE A SMOKER AND YOU ENJOY A COFFEE, YOU MIGHT NEED TO STEP UP ON THE 'OL DENTAL HYGIENE - Yeah, I'm sure that morning fag and cup of java goes down real well. But your breath afterwards goes down like a dead rat. Keep some chewy in your pocket to disguise your sewer of a breath with some minty freshness.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK AGAIN ABOUT PUTTING 'SEXY_KITTEN_SUGARLIPS_4U@HOTMAIL.COM ON YOUR RESUME - Yup we all have a dodgy email address we made when we were 12 but it's time to grow up now sugar. Make a new account! It's free for Gods sake! As a manager in a company, I cringe inside when I receive such resumes. It shows a lack of attention to detail and makes you look a little lame. I'm just saying.

I mean it with love x