Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 23

FOR BOYS ONLY

CLEAN YOUR FINGERNAILS -  Else there ain't NO WAY those bad boys are getting into any of our crevices.  What if you have a bit of happy juice underneath them from when you last performed the Jedi Hand Trick and you give us herpes?  Not to mention the possibility of chicken grease and various other food like residues.  A bit of Dettol hand wash goes a long way my lovelies.

YOU ARE NOT A 'FAG' IF YOU WEAR SKINNY JEANS - WHY are some of you acting like they have just come into fashion or something?  Aren't we over it now? They're here. They're queer. Get used to it.

DON'T PULL THAT HORRIFIED FACE WHEN WE GO TO KISS YOU AFTER A BLOWJOB - What are you scared of?  It's your own penis!  You scratch your balls all day long, and by the look of your fingernails, I KNOW you ain't be washing yo hands before you eat your sushi. And by sushi, I mean salmon NOT twat.

SEND FLOWERS - Chicks who say they hate receiving flowers are tryna be all 'new age' and anti old school romance in order to impress you.  What they don't realise is that so many of you are slightly clueless and if they start bashing at the classics then they gonna get nothing.  Roses are always good, white or pink.  Personally I'm a tulip girl.  In case you were wondering.

EAT PUSSY - Use your fingers.  Whip that tongue back and forth. Nibble. Suck. Softly tap with your fingers. Make her cum in your mouth. Spit it back at her. Put that finger in deeper. Tell her how pretty her pussy is. I swear to God she will declare you king of her world.  Don't wanna give head? Well then you better make your way to the florist quick smart son.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 5

FOR BOYS ONLY

CHILL OUT ON THE HOMOPHOBIA - It ain't sexy honey. What do you think these gay guys are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and take your bum hole virginity whilst singing a Cher number into your ear all whilst wearing pink skinny jeans? Listen my dears, half of them can't even hold down their eyelash curlers, let alone hold you down. Straight boys getting freaked out by their homosexual counterparts just makes me want to yawn these days. They are GAY, just leave them the hell alone and stop hating. What makes me laugh even more is that most of the 'alleged' straight dudes dress and act more feminine than Elton John at a tea party. Don't stress about the gay boys sugar, they wont bite...unless you want them to.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, BUY US TEA TOWELS OR BLENDERS AS PRESENTS - It's so frikkin sexy it makes us moist in our knickers. Not.

DO NOT BITCH AND GOSSIP ABOUT CHICKS - Leave that to us. There is something terribly off putting about a guy getting involved in female politics. It's all bull shit anyway, so keep your nose out and just stand there and look pretty OK? I'm kidding! Or am I ...

WOULD YOU KINDLY USE THE TOILET BEFORE COMING TO BED WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING - Hands up ladies who have had their men piss the bed after a night of boozing? Other things include in the cupboard, in their shoes...even on US - and not in a good way, I might add.

WE REALLY LOVE IT WHEN YOU COOK US DINNER - Even if you can't cook...try. You can buy those pasta sauces in jars these days - they aren't great, but they'll do, boil some linguine, mix in the sauce, sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top. Set the table with some flowers, get a good bottle of wine - splash out and spend more than 20 bucks on it and put 'Kings of Convenience' on the stereo. Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy. We'll just love it that you made the effort. If you do all of this, and she is a miserable cow about it I THEN give you permission to piss the bed.

God speed fella's x