Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-treize

USE THOSE EARTH BRAND PRODUCTS TO CLEAN YO CRIB - I never used to, but then that ad came on the telly where that bird is mopping the floor with an octopus and he looked so sad! I Google'd that shit, and it turns out that those super chemical heavy brands we use to clean our kitchens and bathrooms totally do major damage to the big pond when it all goes down the drain. This might go above some of your heads because you don't even buy cleaning products and YOU need to check yourself before you wreck yourself you dirty slag.

THE PERFECT HANDJOB - This section was inspired by 'Anon' who asked me how to give a good hand job.   Well my dearest Anonymous, I must applaud you for wanting to please your man. I hope he is out there somewhere asking what is the best way to flick your bean because otherwise the bonehead don't deserve you.  Firstly, no one knows how to give a better handjob than a man. Why?  Because they are all wankers. Literally. The only thing they are thinking when they are beating themselves off is, 'Man! Wouldn't it be handy if someone else was doing this for me?!' So yeah, make sure you are lying next to him and kind of wrap your hand around his pee pee as if he was holding it himself.  Hold it firm enough to get a grip but loose enough so not to hurt him...kind of like how you would hold a water balloon. Kinda. You need to start with slow long strides up and down...maybe massaging his balls with your other hand as you go. The big no no here is for it to be dry...you are not starting a fire so no friction. You can use some KY but if you are wanting to be a dirty little girl, a bit of spit goes a long way.  You have to build up pace and keep it consistent. Not stop start stop start...that's just frustrating for our lucky little man. If you have stamina and can keep up the pace it shouldn't be too long before they blow but if he is being a difficult bastard then give him the 'ol '2 hander' and maybe just wrap your mouth around the tip. Getting your tits out wouldn't hurt because boys sure do like dem visuals. And lastly, look as though you are enjoying it. I mean, I know it can be tedious but a look of boredom and no 'ooohs' and 'aaahs' is just not cricket. Asking him for a bit of guidance and a bit of 'do you like that baby?' won't go astray either.  God speed!

STOP TRYNA CLAIM WORDS AND PHRASES AND POP CULTURE WAYS OF SPELLING WORDS LIKE IT'S 'YOUR THING' - You are irritating and lame. And if you are over 25, you are slightly retarded as well.

I don't know where I get this shit.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-douze

WHEN YOU ATTEND ONE OF THOSE 'SCHMOOZY' AKA 'CUNTY' EVENTS WHERE EVERYONE THINKS THEY POO ICE CREAM, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THERE - Fuck I hate these things.  Where do these people come from anyway?  Art exhibitions are the WORST for this shit oh and fashion shows.  And anything with 'launch' in the title.  Walk in with your head held high and be charming and not wanky...there's a fine line.  None of these people are more important that you.  None.

SHORT SHORTS AND BIKINI TOPS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FESTIVAL ATTIRE - Oh God, and then these chicks usually throw some cheapo fake tan into the mix.  Ya'll look like a cheese twistie in spandex.  Except unlike a twistie, you ain't delicious.

SO HERE'S THE THING WITH GIVING A HAND JOB ... - It's gotta be wet and it's gotta be fluid.  You aren't starting a fire, so chill out out the friction.  The idea is that it should feel like a vagina.  So lots of spit and don't break the rhythm.  Get your tits out as well, they need a visual.

WHATS WRONG WITH GOING TO SEE A MOVIE ON YOUR OWN? - Stop being so fucking needy all the time.

ARE YOU ALWAYS WORRIED THAT PEOPLE ARE ANGRY WITH YOU? - It's because you aren't 100% happy with the way you are leading your life.  Screw everyone else, what do YOU want?

IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED CLEANING YOUR HOUSE, AT LEAST GIVE THE BATHROOM AND KITCHEN A ONCE OVER - Jesus Wept woman, what are you?  An animal?  If there is any mold on any kind of surface then you are dirty and you don't deserve to get laid.

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU - Not everyone has your best interest at heart...that's a given, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with them.  YOU should have your best interests at heart anyway.  Stop relying on others to make sure you don't land in fucked situations.  Some people may be bell ends, but they might be funny, inspiring, fuckable whatever...don't just write them off because they aren't bff potential.

How good is it that summer is almost here?  Sorry UK peeps...you've had your fun xx