Owls SEX alphabet: X Y Z

X - is for XXX. Triple X. Adult films. PORN.  Remember when people use to call them 'blue movies'? WHY? Can someone share some light on this please? Anyway. We have come a long way in regards to this issue. Gone are the days where you had to sheepishly grab your brown paper bag off the counter and hope you didn't run into your nan when you left the shop. Our ever faithful, ever loyal old mate the internet has sorted that right out. I don't know about you, but I reckon when you are in the mood for 'a bit of blue' then you need it there and then. Sod going down the shops and feeling like a pervert. HELLO YOUPORN.COM!  Porn is fun! It's even more fun watching it with someone else. Although I must say, you do want to go easy on it because it can make the 'normal' stuff start losing its effect and turn you jaded. Like before you know it you might find yourself typing 'amateur on casting couch forced into fisting'.  For instance.

Y - is for YELLING. This is actually a stand in of a word for moaning, dirty talk and sex noises. Also I couldnt think of anything else starting with Y. I'm telling ya, throw your head back and sing his praises. But don't scream like a banshee please for THE LOVE OF GOD.  He wants to feel like he is pleasing you NOT killing you.

Z - is for ZEST.  Enjoy yourself for God's sake. Ain't nobody forcing you to do anything (I hope) so let loose. Make the most of it. Go with the flow and use a fucking condom.

BIG LOVE X

A - F   G - L   M - R  S - W

Owls SEX alphabet: S - W

S - is for SEX. Sozz. Nothing wack here...just plain old sex.  I have kind of dug my own hole regarding this blog, because now I have created this online persona of being some kind of sex expert. I most certainly am not. I just know what I like and I know what I don't. And I am just a regular girl, so if I feel this way, then I know others do and because no matter how many times Lady Gaga dances in her underwear, or Carrie Bradshaw type shows there are, it is still taboo for women to talk openly and honestly about it. But then men can just open their little blow horns about it all they want and they aren't pegged as 'shocking' or 'inappropraite'. Bite me.

T - is for TOYS. Embrace them. Be adventurous with them. Collect them.  Don't be scared of them. CLEAN THEM.

U - is for UTI's. Imma tell you this once and that's it.  The fuck show that is the UTI can all be avoided if you a) pop a cranberry tab after sexy times b) have a wee wee c) don't let him put it in your foo foo after your poo poo. Failing these three things means you will be pissing razor blades for a solid amount of time. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

V - is for VAGINA. Look after yours. Wax her. Wash her. Keep her entertained. She's a person too and we don't want her getting all depressed. Only let interesting, thoughtful penis's visit her and keep it tight.

W - is for WANK. Do it on the reg. If you don't know what you like, then the other person won't know what you like. WANK WANK WANKITY WANK X

A - F  G - L    M - R

Owls SEX alphabet: G - L

G - is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can't fit your itty bitty mouth around it nor get it down your delicate throat. Humor them please and suck it like you are starving.

H - is for HAIR. Yes. Hair down there and everywhere. Some dudes like it, some don't. In all honesty, I think we have spoilt them. What with the rising popularity of Brazilian waxing, everyone has gone bald eagle in their nether regions. Now it has become expected rather than appreciated. Gee hey, they can be lucky they are even being allowed to visit el paso del pussy, let alone make demands on your landscaping. If you like it all off do it, if you don't? Then don't! It's kinda like how some of us prefer circumcised over non circumcised...we aren't exactly asking them to go into the bathroom with a blade and a bottle of Dettol now are we? Just make sure you keep it groomed and clean...if you invite someone over for a garden party, you make sure you trim the hedges.

I - is for INTENSITY. Know when to turn it up and when to hit cruise control. You can only do the mad, scratching, hair pulling button ripping fuck shows now and again for them to be effective. Otherwise you will eventually run out of clothes innit? The mornings are good for a slow lazy shag but hey, there is no right or wrong time. It's what feels good at the time. But like any workout, you need to vary the intensity in order for it to be effective and to stop it from becoming boring. The worst thing that could ever happen to sex is predictability.

J - is for JIZZ. Sorry for being all obvious about it. But yeah. Jizz. Cum. Load. Happy juice. Semen. Whatever. There are so many things relating to it...where does it go? Back, chest or face? Who sleeps in the wet patch? (you sleep in your own) and WHY have they not made sheets in mother of pearl?!?  NO it doesn't taste nice, but its not exactly intolerable either. Just er...suck it up and get on with it and don't make a big deal about it.  Damn those porn stars for making it look like we love it...WE DON'T!!! Nobody does. We just pretend we do to make them happy BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF GIRL WE ARE!

K - is for KY. Lube it or lose it baby.

L - is for LOVE. You don't have to be in it to win it. Innit.

LETTERS A - F
To be continued...

Owls SEX alphabet: A - F

A - is for ANAL. Obviously. It seems more and more dudes think it's on the menu of late.  I mean, it's a pretty gnarly thing to take it up the Jones hey?  Like, we're not actually meant to do that. Dudes just see a hole and they have to put something in it. Once my little cousin put his tiny little penis into a window of a toy train and he couldn't get it off! It took my uncle about an hour of sweat and tears (my little cousins...not his. I think) to get the damn thing off his peanut and guess what? THEY NEVER LEARN!  Some girls dig it and if you do...that's fine. Just don't go dishing it out willy nilly because your bum is most certainly NOT a toy train.

B - is for BLOOD. Don't have sex during your period please. It's fucking gross. I don't care who the hell you are. Sorry.

C - is for CLIT. It is the ultimate 'c word'. Do you even know where yours is? Do you know what gets you off? You do realize that it is probably the most important organ on your body. PROBABLY even more so than your brain.  Look after it and learn what it likes. Then teach others.  Help them to help you.

D - is for DOGGY. - aka 'the best position in the world'.  Also the best position for looking smoking.  However, the one that will cause you to have a fanny fart. Just saying.

E - is for ENERGY. As in have some. Don't just lay there like a wet towel. Even if he is a dud it don't mean you have to be! Still 'oooh' and 'aaaahh' and make the effort.


F - is for FUN. Ha! You though I was gonna say fanny innit? Wrong! Sex is meant to be FUN. This ain't that wack Westboro Baptist Church shit.  No one who belongs to the Church of The Owl is going to Hell because they had some good 'ol 'how's your father' - and if you are part of that dick for brains church then "HI! We're having a better time than you are!" Dickheads.

to be continued...(is this too rude?)