Owls SEX alphabet: G - L

G - is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can't fit your itty bitty mouth around it nor get it down your delicate throat. Humor them please and suck it like you are starving.

H - is for HAIR. Yes. Hair down there and everywhere. Some dudes like it, some don't. In all honesty, I think we have spoilt them. What with the rising popularity of Brazilian waxing, everyone has gone bald eagle in their nether regions. Now it has become expected rather than appreciated. Gee hey, they can be lucky they are even being allowed to visit el paso del pussy, let alone make demands on your landscaping. If you like it all off do it, if you don't? Then don't! It's kinda like how some of us prefer circumcised over non circumcised...we aren't exactly asking them to go into the bathroom with a blade and a bottle of Dettol now are we? Just make sure you keep it groomed and clean...if you invite someone over for a garden party, you make sure you trim the hedges.

I - is for INTENSITY. Know when to turn it up and when to hit cruise control. You can only do the mad, scratching, hair pulling button ripping fuck shows now and again for them to be effective. Otherwise you will eventually run out of clothes innit? The mornings are good for a slow lazy shag but hey, there is no right or wrong time. It's what feels good at the time. But like any workout, you need to vary the intensity in order for it to be effective and to stop it from becoming boring. The worst thing that could ever happen to sex is predictability.

J - is for JIZZ. Sorry for being all obvious about it. But yeah. Jizz. Cum. Load. Happy juice. Semen. Whatever. There are so many things relating to it...where does it go? Back, chest or face? Who sleeps in the wet patch? (you sleep in your own) and WHY have they not made sheets in mother of pearl?!?  NO it doesn't taste nice, but its not exactly intolerable either. Just er...suck it up and get on with it and don't make a big deal about it.  Damn those porn stars for making it look like we love it...WE DON'T!!! Nobody does. We just pretend we do to make them happy BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF GIRL WE ARE!

K - is for KY. Lube it or lose it baby.

L - is for LOVE. You don't have to be in it to win it. Innit.

LETTERS A - F
To be continued...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-deux

DON'T SHAVE BETWEEN BIKINI WAXES - Unless you are into self harm that is. Ladies, you will climb the walls if they slap hot wax onto your pubic bristles and yank that shit out. Just be patient and wait for your appointment. If you are desperate and I do mean 'About to have all frill sex with Johnny Depp' desperate then neaten up the sides and trip the bonnet. But even then I'm not even sure it's worth it.

THERE IS A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SAYING WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND BEING DOWN RIGHT RUDE - Think before you speak in other words.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'THAT COLOUR IS TOO BRIGHT' - Too bright for whom exactly? All the beige people of the world? Exactly.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN DECIDING NOT TO DRINK FOR THE EVENING - There doesn't have to be a moral reason, if your driving that's a good reason but if you just don't feel like it, then don't do it. Peer pressure is sooo 1996.

HAVE A GOOD THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN. WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. WHAT MAKES YOU TICK. WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A STAND FOR. WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO PROJECT TO THE WORLD THAT SAYS WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT - Then do it. Just saying that you don't believe in God for example, and not knowing why, makes you look kinda naive. Read a newspaper, maybe learn what your government is trying to make a stand for. Don't get annoyed when others are seeming to 'take over' - it's not their fault that you aren't holding tight on any personal values or beliefs. You kinda made yourself an easy target.

RED LIPSTICK SUITS EVERYBODY - The trick is to find your perfect shade.

DON'T BE CRYING OVER ANY FOOL THAT WOULDN'T CRY OVER YOU - If he wants it he can put a fucking ring on it. innit.

Love your bums x

Art by: Miss Van

OWL'S SOFA

Dear Obnoxious Owl,

Do guys expect girls to shave everything down there? Or is just keeping it neat and trimmed OK? :P Asking online anonymously is much easier than asking him, trust me, ha ha.

Rad Anonymous reader

Well love, firstly, they cannot EXPECT you to do anything. It's your body, your life. Boys differ when it comes to pubic preference, however, I pretty much think that most of the time they are just happy to be down there in the first place and therefore should be far too excited about being anywhere near your lady bits to have time to be worrying about your foliage situation. If you did want to get rid of everything, then I highly recommend a brazilian wax, it's a little painful but once you go wax you never go back. Pop an anti inflammatory or two an hour before and that should ease the pain slightly, but it is never going to feel like you are being licked by kittens, so just grin and bare it. Some dudes prefer you to be hairless when they are tending to you, um...orally, but other than that, it makes no diff to them really. If you aren't keen to go bare back sugar, just keeping it groomed is fine. After all, if you invite someone to a garden party, you need to be sure to trim the hedges.

Lots of love, Owl xx

Forward your questions to obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - don't be shy, it's all anonymous.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (1)

...someone hits on you when you are BLATANTLY out of there league? Who do they think they are exactly? I know I'm no Miranda Kerr, but I ain't no Beth Ditto either, yes I know it's shallow, I think shallow may even be too deep a word for this rant, but I reckon you are lying if you said this wouldn't fry your bacon either.

...you are walking down the road with one of your guy friends and girls check him out? OK, I'm not his girlfriend (and I don't want to be) but THEY don't know that. It's God damn disrespectful if you ask me.

...there is no milk? Or even worse, when you think you have milk but it is sour. Fuck my life.

...the opportunity arises for you to get your freak on with the cutie you have been cruising for ages and you are between waxes? Actually, it's probably a sign you should be keeping your knickers on to be honest.

...you are listening to the radio in your car, and you KNOW they are about to play a choice tune because they keep banging on about it and then when they finally do, you are at work and you can't stay and listen to it because you're already late?

...you discover your ex is engaged by seeing the bimbo he proposed to flashing her ring in photos on facebook? She's probably not a bimbo, I'm sure she's really nice, but for that moment she is a bimbo...who also needs to get her roots done.

...you burn your tongue on your morning coffee and then everything tastes like horses ass for the entire day?

...your boyfriend/partner/crush doesn't end his text messages with a 'x' - I mean, how fucking hard is it?

...when you are posing for a photo and trying to pull a funny face, or the face you know makes you look good (you know what I'm talking about) and then some douche walks past the camera? It happens like all the time, and it never ceases to get less irritating.

...when the guy you have a crush on calls you 'mate'?

...you finally bought the madly beautiful but insanely expensive handbag after saving for ages, only to discover it is $49.95 a month later?

...your best friend decides she loves the band Elbow, wearing fascinator hats with jeans and cuts a fringe the week after you have professed to love all these things? Then you can't say anything or get annoyed because you look petty and it's not like you OWN Elbow, hats or blunt fringes but you just KNOW she is a big fat copy cat.