MERRY CHRISTMAS OWLIES!!! Be safe and big love from me x

Happy Holidays from Mr Funk

It's the kinda festive tune I can get down and dirty with. It's a Dam Funk Christmas but he is also bringing in my New Year at The Bakery. SOLD OUT SUCKERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


'Tis The Season - DâM-FunK | (Recorded Dec. 22nd, 2010 in L.A.) by DâM-FunK

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 24

FOR BOYS ONLY

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE FELLAS WHO KNOW WHATS UP

THANK YOU FOR NOT GETTING IT IN OUR EYE - Shit stings like a rolled up wet towel to the back of the leg.  We love you for being careful.

THANK YOU FOR NOT POPPING YOUR COLLAR - And a BIG thank you for not popping the collar on a baby pink Ralph Lauren polo.  And we could give you a pins and needles inducing wristie for not teaming this with ill fitting bootleg jeans and highlighting the tips of your hair. MWAH!  When you pop, we most certainly are able to stop.

THANK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING YOUR MOUTH ALL OVER TOWN ABOUT WHAT WE ARE LIKE IN THE SACK - You see, it doesn't work the same for us as it does for you.  If people get wind of how big your dick is and that you can lick pussy like an electric paintbrush, you are labeled KING!  If if gets round town that we can suck like a Dyson and ride like we at the rodeo, then girls call us sluts and gentlemen get their dirty text message sleaze on.  We still have a long way to go till equality and we thank you for your discretion.

SHOUT OUT TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T MOCK AND JUDGE OUR LOVE OF GOSSIP GIRL AND OTHER SUCH MINDLESS TELEVISION - Yeah, it's probably because you guys are under the understanding that it's not like you are sitting in front of the financial news every evening, and are instead playing with your little make believe digital men and shooting other cartoons. We all have our vice's and thank you for respecting our shallow girly ones!

A BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE KIND AND CONSIDERATE TO YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS - Thank you for having the maturity in knowing that some things just don't work out and that parading some bimbo around town and writing cryptic Facebook updates won't make you feel any better in the end.  Owl girls LOVE a man with integrity.

A BIG MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE MEN WHO KNOW HOW TO PUT A PILLOW UNDER OUR ASS - It's just win win all round.

Big love...your little Christmas Owl x

All I want for Christmas is Diplo wearing my knickers

Don't you kinda feel like Christmas is happening all around you but not TO you this year?  I sort of feel like there is this festive pandemonium of 'Secret Santa's', embarrassing work function 'hook up's' and everyone selling out of iPads going on all around me and I am having an out of body Xmas experience.  So far I've bought my Mum a handbag (don't worry, she stopped reading this blog a LONG time ago), received a Christmas card from my Nan and watched Jamie Oliver's Christmas Special on telly during a serious case of writers block one evening....this has been as far as my participation of the silly season has gone. What is really confusing me though, is that I actually like Christmas.  I'm not a Bah Humbug kinda girl at all!  I love the tackiness of it all, and the food and cloyingly sweet mince pies....fuck...I forgot about that...I ate an entire packet of mince pies and washed it down with a bottle of Cab Sav during the afore mentioned writers block ordeal. I think I'm struggling to say yes to my inbox full of Christmas invites and get into the spirit because the other day after 7 parking fines were found in my wallet an actual real life moth flew out.  Yes kiddies...Mama Owl is BROKE with a capital FUCK.

This has not stopped me wanting however (do we as humans ever stop wanting?) so if money were no object, and Santa really did come down my chimney and blow his cheery load all over the place I would be on my knees and begging for this ...

Yes. These are gold Air Max 90's you are spying. And do you think I can find them anywhere? No I most definitely can fucking not. Not even on the slippery slope of that fickle little cunt Ebay. I reckon I'm gonna have to give a pair of my white ones to the increddy sneaker tinkerer Alex Nash when I'm back in London next year and see if everything he touches does in fact turn to gold.

Not to be worn with fore mentioned kicks...well maybe...but this Alexander McQueen creation costs a cool 6500 hefty English pounds.  And you know what? if I had it, I'd throw money at the dead man because this dress is off the chain! It has been embroidered with actual gold bullion thread and real crystal embellishment. I could quite easily sit with my feet up on the 25 December eating 'no brand' mince pie's and drinking 5 dollar plonk whilst wearing this frock.  Ha Ha, there is something so cheeky about calling a near $12000 dress a 'frock'.  Please Uncle Santa buy me this beauty, I'll let you put your finger in my bum again like you did when I was six.

Yes I know. More gold.  But I have had my eye on these ClawMoney 14k gold bamboo babies for quite some time.  However the $500 US is not lying side by side in my wallet with the moths.  So Ms Claudia, if you are feeling generous, then I would rep these so right!  And fellas, instead of trying to get your sleaze on with me in such a pathetic fashion on Facebook chat, rather buy these for me for Christmas. It's a  MUCH better way of getting in my pants.

When they call this a 'luxury fragrance' they defs ain't lying.  I frikkin love this stuff.  I used to have a bottle years ago and would use it to damn sparingly so it would last.  It's made from the earthy rainy scents of bluebell woods by Penhaligon's in England.  It's really very special.  Anyone love me this much back in the UK?  Anybody?

Yes. Yes that is a fake vagina. I'm not sure why the er..'puckered' other hole is where it is but hey, it gets my point across.  I would like someone/Santa to buy me a bunch of sessions for electrolysis.  I am so over getting Brazilians.  They hurt for one and two, they are well expenno.  Shit is starting to add up yo!  But my waxer has become my dentist...it's no longer an option not to go.  In fact, it has been known that I have chosen to have my privates made smooth OVER a cavity filling.  I know other bitches are feeling me on this.  What can I say? Priorities.  Innit.

God I miss reading. I never do it anymore. It's all internet internet internet, blog blog blog, eat eat eat - I never read!  I used to hit the written word in book form like a drug.  A guilty pleasure of mine was the entire Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella.  Yes everyone...my name is Tammy and I love cheesy chick lit.  I also love mindless television like Gossip Girl.  See the thing is, if you spent a day in my mind you would probably leave in a straight jacket sucking your thumb.   I need the fluff of all this to give the grinding wheels in my brain a break.  It's kinda like I'm taking my brain for a little spa trip, or out for ice cream.  So instead of judging me, put a good word in with the man in red and get him to give me Sophie's latest release, or the box set of Gossip Girl Series three.

No, it's not an original crush I am aware of this.  Every bitch and her dog who has a twitter account claims to love Diplo.  But this is a Christmas wish list and it's MY blog and I can tell you quite matter of factly that none of you sluts love him as much as I do.  Look, I don't really want to throw around the term 'love' but I absolutely would just LOVE to slowly and deliberately take mini Diplo and do bad things to it.  Even if he could just wear my knickers, the one's with owls wearing Xmas hats on it, and serve me up some eggnog then I'd be happy.  *sigh* he is just so dreamy, and he talks out the side of his mouth like Drew Barrymore does. So cute.  Hey Diplo, will you be my little Christmas miracle?  I have an ass you can spin the 1's and 2's off. But you might have to wait until someone buys me that electrolysis shit, because as I said before, I'm broke and it's starting to get a bit real down there.  But then again, you're probs rolling in it so you can hook a girl up.  In fact, you could probably hook me up with all this shit.

Yeah I said it.  Diplo is Father Christmas.

Happy Holidays Owlies!! xxxo

Holiday Break

Hello there darlings, I'm gonna have a wee break from the 'ol bloggage for Chrissy...but I'll be back quicker than you can say 'hoot' in time for the new year to inspire you for some resolutions. God Speed and Happy Christmas xx

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (4)

...when you are broke and someone gives you money for Christmas or your birthday and you have to spend it on something pathetic like your phone bill?

...when you thought you had meaningless sex with somebody and then you see them kissing someone a few weeks later and the fiery ball of jealousy alights in the pit of your stomach?

...you looked particularly spectacular on a night out and there is no photographic evidence?

...you are trying to be good on your diet and then you visit somebody and they order pizza? And it has pepperoni on it with extra cheese?

...that person that was a complete head fuck a few months ago rears their ugly head again just when you are a) over them and b) in the middle of another drama? It's like they have a bullshit radar or something.

...the build up is better than the actual event? i.e. sex with somebody you've been flirting with for ages.

...teenage boys call you a cougar? How old do you fucking think I am you cheeky bastards?!