Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 22

IF A WOMAN DEMANDS SOME KIND OF 30 THOUSAND DOLLAR ENGAGEMENT RING, IT MEANS SHE NEEDS CONFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER - And you probably aren't ready to get married. I mean fuck, if you are in love then a mood ring would do...ya get me?

JUST BECAUSE YOU GO FOR A COUPLE OF NICE MEALS AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU ONLY DRINK GREY GOOSE VODKA DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE TOP CLASS - There are probably more families living in the slums of Bombay or in a shanty town in Khayalitsha that have more class than some footballers and their wives.  Class comes from within.  You can throw a nice suit on an asshole but his true colours will always come through. Like throwing cement on top of weeds.

AGAIN I HAVE TO SAY, STOP SENDING PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS - They are actually pretty weird looking.  We prefer to feel them, not see them.  But thanks for the visual.

MAN, IT'S SO SEXY WHEN YOU SULK! - Not.

IT'S KINDA SEXY WHEN YOU CATCH OUR EYE IN TRAFFIC - The other day, some dude did mock fellatio on a banana at me on the freeway. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.

WHEN GIRLS GET PRETEND OFFENDED WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEIR TITS INSTEAD OF THEIR FACE, IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT THEY ARE A FLOOZY -  They actually secretly love it.  But I get the feeling most of you already knew that.

obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - special email account for penis photos x

Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.

OK, so I'm just gonna say it from the start. This is a blog about blow jobs. Now I have to be careful here because my dear mother reads my blog entries. But I did dish out some advice in an earlier entry advising that you should learn to give decent head in order to be somewhat in power. I also then realised that this made me sound like some kind of connoisseur which it in fact...it does. Kidding kidding, look I'm no expert on the subject of fellatio but I do think I might know a thing or two, as a lady who has had very few complaints. Ehrm, OK maybe a few. Geez, this is awkward. Look I'm only writing this 'cause you lot asked me to OK?

OK ... here goes ...

EYE CONTACT - Keep your hair out of your face and keep looking up at him - they love this.

EASY DOES IT - When I say 'easy' I mean 'go slow' not BE easy, because this kind of act should only be dished out to those that are entitled to the privilege. And ladies...it IS a privilege.

USE YOUR HANDS WISELY - Be careful when introducing your hands with your um, mouth because you could be calling curtain at a very early stage.

WATCH OUT FOR FRICTION - I'm only going to ever say this once, but a good dose of um...spit...goes along way. I'm just saying.

WATCH THE CHOMPERS - Yeah ladies...teeth. Most girls wrap their lips around their teeth to protect the gentleman, but all that does is it creates a hard ridge. Just shield your bottom teeth with your tongue and open your mouth as wide as possible so that your top teeth stay clear. Ehrm, can't believe I just wrote that.

DON'T FORGET THE UM, SCROTUM - They love it, they really do. Look that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Yes yes yes, this hasn't been the most insightful bit of information I admit. And I don't want to come off as a some kind of harlot, I'm just tryna help a sister out OK?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part six

YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A PUBESCENT - Serisly, ittt looks slightly retarded when you's type lik thiiisss. If yOu R )vEr the @ge of 16 & u typppe like yooou R uSiNg yourrr elbowssss *** then you arrre basicallly sayyying you havve had No eDuCaTiOn wat soooo eva **** $$% !!! muppets, I bet you're first word was lol.

REMOVE THE PRICE TAG FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR SHOES - It's all about attention to detail darlings.

DO NOT NAG YOUR MAN - Nothing grinds their gears more than a nagging female. Even the Bible tells you not to (Proverbs 1 vs 1 - 6). Also, it makes them feel like a kid and it makes you feel like an old bag...what good could possibly come from this? Ask nicely once, second time just a friendly reminder...then for the third time shag their best friend - kidding kidding...no seriously, nagging is often seen as criticism, so your boy will inevitably tune out and make what you're saying ineffective. Just acknowledge your different perspectives on whatever the subject is your nagging about. And fellas here's a hint - if you are being nagged, accept your responsibility in creating an environment that has triggered a nagging response. Geez haven't I told you before? We're not your mother.

LEARN TO GIVE DECENT HEAD - You will have him by the balls. (Further advice on this subject will require it's very own blog entry - stay tuned)

WATCH WHAT YOU THROW AWAY IN YOUR BATHROOM WASTEPAPER BIN - ESPECIALLY if you have a date coming over. That may be a red lipstick stain on that tissue but hey...just cover your ass is all I'm saying.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE - If you have them, you don't need to get them out in order for people to know you do. There is a time and a place girls. For instance, dinner with your man friends parents - not the time nor the place. Filling out a to-die-for Wheels and Doll Baby 1950's frock? - Definitely the time and place. Sometimes the attention you get from getting the mammary glands out is not really the attention we should be welcoming.

Adios - I'm off to have nachos xx