OWL'S SOFA: Let's Get Real ...

"Dear Owl,

So I have this best guy friend, he's my rock, I go to him for help in every area of my life. He just got screwed over by some idiot bitch (sorry for the language). He is currently in California and I am in Michigan, so it's a good 2000 miles range. I love the guy. Hes my best friend, and I don't know how to help him through this. And on top of him being screwed over, he's getting shipped out to go to Afghanistan in a few months. I have no idea what to do about the break up and I don't know how to handle him leaving for over a year. Do you have any advice that might help??"

Ok girl, truth talk now. You more than just have friendly love for this fella, don't you? I get that his life is taking a little ride on the fail train right about now, but seriously? It seems as though you are handling it a little worse than just a close friend. When you say you don't know what to do about the break up, my only suggestion is that you can't actually do anything. Break ups are a fuck show, and they are between 2 people. All you can do is be there for him, as and when he needs you. There is not much else you can do about him going off to Afghanistan either...other than be on the other end of the phone/internet/postal service.

I can't advise you what to do to help your friend, because by the sounds of things, you seem like you are doing enough. But I am reading between the lines in this letter, and I think my advice would be for you to start finding the strength to be just a good friend, and try to keep your emotions at bay ... this seems like it's gonna be just as hard, if not worse, for you. There is the long distance thing, the fact that he has just gone through a mad break up and the whole war thingo...it's all a bit shit. Just be a friend, and let old mate sort his own head and heart out. And you look after yours.

Chin up xx

OWL'S SOFA: Born to ride

"Dear Owl,

So me and my flatmate were trawling your sweet as blog instead of doing uni work... We have a question for you. We have had yarns recently about girl-on-top and frankly, neither of us feel that comfortable with it. I feel gammy just getting on top in the first place, and my flatmate reckons it does nothing for her - except show off her wobbly bits. Any advice to help us conquer our fears??

p.s. I love opening up my google reader to see that there are Obnoxious Owl posts to devour - you are the shizz. Chur!"

Firstly, lets take a moment to reflect on home girl above. Dang! You know that SHE is riding fella like it's for sale and rent is due. Anyway, back to the matter at hand...

Look girls, I don't really know what your problem is hey... I get the whole feeling vulnerable thing 'cause he is getting a good view of all your full frontal glory, but seriously? I doubt he even notices any flaws because he is to busy concentrating on your tits and not blowing too early. Being on top gives you full control of pace, depth and motion - basically no excuse for not getting your rocks off.

By no means am I some kind of blogging porn star, but I am a lady, and a lady that doesn't mind being queen of the castle so I'll tell you what I think works...

• Just because you are in the drivers seat, doesn't mean you have to do all the work while old mate lays back with his hands behind his head. Get him to hold your hips and help out with the gyration. You are on top. It's all about you. Not him.
• I think tilting slightly forward with your hands resting on his shoulders or on either side of his chest helps you to keep balance and rhythm. He also gets less of an eye full, so this is good if you are having a fat day.
• Mabes pull his shoulders towards you so you are both kinda sitting in the upright position. Or better yet, spin around and hold onto his ankles. Trust me, you look great from behind.

I think the issue here, is that when you are up on the saddle, all eyes are on you and a bit of a performance needs to take place, which can make a girl feel somewhat self conscious and shy. When it comes to sex, for any of it to do anything for you, you need to feel relaxed and uninhibited. Because there is actually no physical reason why riding the pony should not get you off. Keep your top on, or wear a sexy negligee or some shit if you don't want him to see your soft tummy. But you may be shooting yourself in the sexual foot here because he totes wants to see your titties bounce. Come on ladies, it's sex! It's exactly like performance art! Hold your boobies, flick your hair, lean back and scream. They love that shit. Just don't get too carried away with over grinding, you don't want it to pop out of you and then you could end up bending his manhood. That will impress him alot less than your tummy or lack of breasts. Believe.

Just stop over thinking it and enjoy yourself ffs!

Love Owl x

OWL'S SOFA: 'Do we screw the crew?'

"Dear Owl,

I am interested to hear your thoughts on the “Don't Screw The Crew”* principle...

Forgive me if this is a topic you have already covered! Was just pondering it on the walk to work, and realised of late I have been in situations where I have either found the friend of a dude I’ve been banging quite hot, or a dude Ive been banging has obviously found a friend of mine hot. Thoughts?

For many of my friends its a golden rule that they refuse to break . Personally, I wouldn’t hook up with a guy who had been seeing a good friend of mine, but I’m not sure how many practise this guide?

*Crew = good friends, not acquaintances "

OK. Straight to the chase. There is no black and white rule as far as this is concerned. For many reasons, but mainly these...

• How much is your friend actually into the dude? - If she is majorly gaga over homeboy, then leave well alone. There is plenty other penis's attached to fine body's we can devour. It's a pretty cunty thing to make eyes at a good friends 'sorta boyfriend but things haven't been confirmed yet'. However, if you think that she isn't that keen on him, then you could carefully manipulate the sitch. It will all fall out of bed eventually, and when it does, you can sneak up like a lioness on a wounded zebra. They do it on Gossip Girl like all the time.
• How good is your friend and how keen are you on fella? - Secret time. I have a friend. Who has a SMOKING hot ex. Not only is he easy on the eye, he has brains, braun and if rumours are correcto...he has been um, blessed. Now the friend...hmm, I suppose we're good friends. But if she weren't in my life, I probs would not notice. (sheesh I sound like a proper biatch) but anyway, all I'm saying is...you gotta weigh up the pro's and con's. It's slim pickings out there as far as men go who tick the boxes, sometimes you gotta make sacrifices. That being said, I would only probably risk a friendship over someone I would actually like to pursue...not just for some genital stimulation. It's not worth the gamble.
• Don't get sucked in - Usually hot guys come with hot friends. Unlike chicks who enjoy having a few fuglys hanging about to make ourselves look better...God we're cows. Anyway. If you are being hammered by some cutie and it's early days, you will always be wondering if there may be someone better, and then you hang with their mates and someone catches your eye. It's like a box of chocolates being offered around...you like them all, but you are only allowed to take one so you go for the truffle...'cause hey, you enjoy a good truffle and you know what you're getting, and once you have eaten it, you can honestly say you enjoyed it but maybe you shoulda gone for a caramel 'cause that might have been more fun! So you take the caramel when no one is looking...and then you look like a little chocolate whore when you get caught out. Ya get me?
• Guys talk - Chances are, all of old mates friends would and have thought about banging you. But then you become the trick amongst the group and you can land up with no man, a vagina that has been the penis tour bus stop, and a bad reputation.

I think it boils down to what our intentions are. Is it because we actually fancy the guy, or because our hormones are livin la vida loca? Make sure that when one makes this decision, we use our brains and not our clits to do the thinking.

God speed...

Love Owl xoxo

OWL'S SOFA

Dear Owl,

I have been with my guy for nearly 7 years and lately we have been losing our spark. How do you know when to cut your losses and move on? Any tips for bringing back the magic?

Anon

Oh girl. I have had muchos experience with this head fuck in the past. I think sometimes it's either just the long period of time that causes a bit of a lull or it could just be that you have grown apart...unforch, mine was the latter. The former is relatively easy to fix, but if its the other...then there is no answer at obnoxiousowl.com - because you already know what it is :(

But if it's just because you have taken up residence on Rut Street - then here are a few suggestions my honey bear:

• Tell each other a secret - It's sharing intimates with other people that bring you closer together. Whether its something trivial like you drove through KFC on your way back from the gym, or something amazingly erotic like you stole 5 minutes from work that day to go masturbate in the toilet cubicle because you were thinking of him ... er yeah, either way, you'll share a moment. Coax him to sharing one with you too.


• Be random - Suggest something out of the blue. Like on a balmy summers evening, suggest to go skinny dipping? What about saying you're going to get ready for bed and you come out dressed as an uber slut? Go to a strip club together? It doesn't even have to be naughty...go to the zoo if you haven't been in ages...or ice skating, or have dinner on the living room floor (it's called a carpet picnic). Buy tickets to a gig that neither of you have really spoken about. Get the idea?


• Take part in some kind of extreme sport - Go sky diving! Or Bungee jumping! Sharing the experience will relight the smallest glimmer of a flame. If risking your life ain't your thing, maybe learn something new like surfing? If all else fails, let him do you up the bum.


• Be a creature of mystery - Quit farting, shaving, plucking, squeezing things or giving yourself facials in front of him! Jesus woman. And go to bed wearing something saucier than an old tshirt...or better yet...nothing at all.

Thing is sugar, all of these are good and well and can definitely make a difference if the issues are only mere cracks on the surface...but if they run a little deeper...communication is all that is left. Laying your cards on the table and being honest about how you feel. Just don't fucking cheat.

You don't have to be in a relationship that leaves you bored. Remember, beige is not a colour, its a lifestyle choice.

Love Owl xx

OWL'S SOFA

Dear Owl,

What are your thoughts on losing your virginity? Age, time, place, person, etc.

Anonymous

Honestly? There is no right age, time nor place (I'd say older than 15 is maybe wise) The important thing here is your state of mind, and hopefully, a partner that isn't a fuckwit (unfortunately, non-fuckwits amongst teenage boys are thin on the ground) and the reason WHY you want to lose your V card.

The following are very bad reasons to want to give up your vagina barrier:

• you want others to know you've had sex;
• you want to gain some kind of respect for having sex;
• peer pressure; (geez, is this still happening?)
• he says he will become your boyfriend if you get your knickers off;
• he says you don't really love him unless you agree to bump genitals; (wanker alert)
• if it looks like it's gonna take place in a car, in a randoms bedroom at a party, or er...on the school rugby field....um....yeah (if it so happens you are reading this and you have already given up your virgo in these circumstances, meh, whatcha gonna do?)

I know we are told that it should be 'special' and with 'someone you love' - but the fact of the matter is, this is hardly ever the sitch. I'd go with 'if it feels right, go with it'. Don't plan the whole thing out and make a big deal about it. It's a bit like new years eve ... there is the whole anxious decision of what you're gonna do, where you're gonna go, whatcha gonna wear etc - everyone is out feeling like they are 'supposed' to be having a good time 'cause it's new years eve, and everyone knows it's meant to be this mega bash - but almost always it's a major disappointment and you vow to be more low key next year, because new years eve is overrated.

Sex the first time? It's overrated. It's awkward, messy and you're not really sure if you're doing it right. I hated my first time! But it's been pretty amazing since then, all you are doing the first time is breaking the seal really. Just remember that it's private, and that you feel ready...'cause no amount of vaginal reconstructive surgery is reversing time. Make sure it's what you actually want. Make sure you TRUST and RESPECT the person you are engaging in the act with - I think 'love' is just a bonus. Don't put too much pressure on tryna make it perfect. Blair lost hers to Chuck in the back of a limo (for those who don't watch Gossip Girl, get familiar), she hated him at the time, but who fucking cares...it felt good and it was HOT!

Remember my lovelies ... it's YOUR body, and YOUR life. Sex will not make him love you. And that is the truth right up until you are 80 years old.

It's all about gut feeling here.

xx

OWLS SOFA

Pull up a pew and tell me your woe's. Just a brief Q and I'll answer as a post. (All anon of course) Just remember to take me with the proverbial grain of sodium.

Hit me up at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com

Ta love x

OWL'S SOFA

Dear Obnoxious Owl,

Do guys expect girls to shave everything down there? Or is just keeping it neat and trimmed OK? :P Asking online anonymously is much easier than asking him, trust me, ha ha.

Rad Anonymous reader

Well love, firstly, they cannot EXPECT you to do anything. It's your body, your life. Boys differ when it comes to pubic preference, however, I pretty much think that most of the time they are just happy to be down there in the first place and therefore should be far too excited about being anywhere near your lady bits to have time to be worrying about your foliage situation. If you did want to get rid of everything, then I highly recommend a brazilian wax, it's a little painful but once you go wax you never go back. Pop an anti inflammatory or two an hour before and that should ease the pain slightly, but it is never going to feel like you are being licked by kittens, so just grin and bare it. Some dudes prefer you to be hairless when they are tending to you, um...orally, but other than that, it makes no diff to them really. If you aren't keen to go bare back sugar, just keeping it groomed is fine. After all, if you invite someone to a garden party, you need to be sure to trim the hedges.

Lots of love, Owl xx

Forward your questions to obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - don't be shy, it's all anonymous.

OBNOXIOUS OWL'S SOFA

So, a few of you have emailed me asking for one on one advice. I'm down for it, as long as you a) Don't sue me if it all goes a bit pear shaped - yeah that means YOU America and b) you let me post your question with my answer. Anonymously of course...

You can ask me anything you want about boys, fashion, beauty, awkward situations - whatever tickles your fanny really. I am an opinionated lady, so do not underestimate the extent to which my obnoxious levels can go. Sit yourself down, I'll put the kettle on and I'll try and advise you in the only way I know how, obnoxiously.

Hit me up at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com, you can send me a postal address too if you want. I might have a pressie for ya if I use your question.

Look forward to it x