Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Facebook Ettiquette

We lead double lives now.  One real one.  One internet one.  Some of us have the hang of keeping the balance.  Others...not so much.  The difference between the two, is that you have more control over the one that is on the net. 

PHOTOGRAPHS - oh dear.  Until Facebook sorts it out that we have to approve before people get tag happy, you might need to reel it in a little.  It's pretty fucked that someone can just take a shit photo of you then plaster it on the net for all and sundry.  It's almost better that shit gets tagged, otherwise its just out there...in the interweb wilderness...and you will have no idea.  So...

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-sept

KICK IT OLD SCHOOL AND GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS DEVELOPED - And make real life actual albums!  And remember, snaps of your holiday are only interesting to YOU...much like your dreams.  Trim the fat on the boring blow by blow details...i.e. 'This is us waiting for a cab' and 'This is us in a cab' - don't beige others to tears please.

IT SHOULDN'T HURT WHEN HE FUCKS YOU - I mean sometimes it might, like if he has an unusually large dick for example...but then...how often does that happen?  Exactly.  It may hurt slightly if you haven't had a wee and you have a full bladder.  But generally it should feel pretty wonderful.  You know your own body girl, so you know if something is a little 'off', ya know?  Sort it out.

REMEMBER: WIPE FRONT TO BACK - Can't believe I have to tell you this shit.

YOU DID NOT COME UP WITH YOUR STYLE ALL ON YOUR OWN - You KNOW you took inspo from mags/movies/music vids/people on the street.  Don't be claiming shit that ain't yours then get angrified when people take inspiration from YOU.  If you have mad style, then people will copy.  The trick is to keep it fresh...and hard to keep up with.  People can tell whether its original or not...belee dat.

FACEBOOK CHAT IS RUBBISH FOR SEX CHAT - It has technological AIDS. Skype is way better...do not underestimate the 'muscle man' emoticon and the never fail 'horny devil'. For instance.

YES CONVERSE DO MAKE YOUR FEET LOOK SLIGHTLY LONGER - But everyone knows they do, so its not like everyone is gonna think that you have canoes for feet, you get me? 

SOMETIMES, IN A WORLD FULL OF SOCIAL NETWORKS, TEXTING GAMES, TO 'X' OR NOT TO 'X' AND GENERAL MODERN PARAPHERNALIA, YOU GOTS TO KEEP THE DATING GAME CLASSIC IF YOU REALLY LIKE THE PERSON - i.e. Don't fuck on the first date.  Wrist jobs are ok though.

Up the bum means no babies xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante et un

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO GET PEDANTIC OVER PAINT COLOURS - Whether it's 'Ivory', 'Old Lace', 'Seashell' or 'Pearl' it's just all fucking WHITE. OK?

BRUNCH IS THE BEST MEAL YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY HAVE - It basically fills you up until abut 5pm, then you can have dinner then just an apple or something before bed. It's totes diet worthy. Plus it's less frowned upon to have booze at brunch. Bloody Mary's before 9am with your coco pops for brekkie is pushing it really.

PLEASE AVOID GREASY HAIR - It makes you unfuckable.

DON'T BE HANDING OUT 'XX' WILLY NILLY - Don't put a 'x' on the end of a message unless you mean it.

DON'T TALK ABOUT TWITTER, FACEBOOK OR ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK SHIT WITH A DUDE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN - You will beige him to tears.

GET RID OF THE BLACK HEADS THAT SURROUND YOUR NOSE - MAJOR cock blockers.

GET YOUR FAVOURITE PHOTOS PRINTED AND FRAMED - Seriously. What is the point of taking loads of photographs, then keeping them on your computer? Or loading them on FB so that knobend from way back can see you and wish he was still with you? Get printing.

IF HE PUTS YOU ON HOLD, HANG UP - Then if he doesn't call back it means he forgot to or didn't want to. One is not better than the other.

IF YOU SCRATCH YOUR VAGEEN BETWEEN WAXES, IT LOOKS BAD - I know it's an itch like no other but peeps will totally think you have herpes. Or crabs. Or crabs with herpes.

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The Obnoxious Owl Experience

I have a ridiculous relationship with my camera phone. It's not even a particularly good device but I just love the little sucker. I am a Nokia devotee because nothing pisses me off quite as much as when I a) can't work out technology or b) technology just doesn't work. I seriously want to stab a monkey in the face when my laptop freezes (for example). All I want my mobile phone for is text messages, phone calls and photos. My acrylics won't allow for a touch screen...and I just am not even remotely interested in the iphone. Yawn alert. Anyway, every now and then I'm gonna share with you a few snaps I capture during the life of the Owl...all lovingly captured by a little chrome Nokia 6700.

So we had a bit of a storm last week here in sweet Perth. And I would know...with one of my stores being flooded and sitting in traffic for two hours when I was only but a 5 minute drive away from home. It quite literally came out of nowhere...one minute the sun was smiling on us then the next God threw a fucking tanty!!! Water was quite frankly coming out of our ass! Thank FUCK the only damage done to me personally was coming close to killing myself out of boredom whilst stuck in traffic (I drive an automatic...so the gear stick was not an option). Because I'm telling you right this minute, heads would have bloody rolled if golf ball sized hail penetrated Queen Lizzy's windscreen.

Yes. That is a car submerged halfway in a 'puddle'. This snap was taken just before I had to mount the curb.

On a lighter note, I was wandering through the city a few weeks back and the delicious smell of spray paint suddenly filled my nostrils. Following the scent like a whore to PVC, I came across the fella's from Last Chance getting their spray on for Perth's arts and culture week...

The piece was along the wall of an entire lane in the city, so this photo does not do it any real justice but ain't the lil seal cute?! And that fucking magenta ocean is off the hook! The boys then agreed to get busy on an old shed as the backdrop for the Owl party that was the following weekend. Have a geez at this beauty....

Young Ben from Last Chance did an Owl mighty proud! The colours in the clouds and the detail in Mr Owl's face are hard to see here, but geez louise I was mega stoked with this. Thanks homies x

This week I had to pack up my life in a million...OK ten boxes. It went fairly well (two car trips just for clothes) but it took great gusto to attack my creative space that is my desk.

I fucking love this messy corner of organised chaos. Taking it apart was pure torture! I mean, it takes AGES for everything to land in it's rightful place. The dark shadows in this photo is very symbolic of my mood that evening. Fuck you end-of-lease lady.

The upside was the fresh mani I got the following day. I knew I wanted gold, and I knew I wanted pink (I have Lady Gaga coming up innit), so my nail goddess Nicki worked her nail hocus pocus and produced these claws...

I say this every time, but this really is my favourite one. There are even diamonds on my middle finger, so the next time I flip you the bird...ya'll got some bling to look at. See how thoughtful I am?

This fly little ride was parked in my hood a couple 'o weeks back...

Who the flying fuckity fuck do these fresh ass wheels think they are?! And furthermore...how can Lizzy become equally as pimped? Anyone?

Space invaders it may not be, but an Obnoxious Owl sticker holds it own...

Look at her just chillin there with Mr Obey! If anyone wants in on some Owly stickerness...holla with your deets and it'll be flying your way. And if you see me on the freeway, remember to indicate before you change lanes and gimme a hoot. Love love x