LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE , YA KNOW?

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-trois

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH TANNING TOPLESS ON THE BEACH - Although I will say that you should probably be a little respectful if there is a family nearby with kids.  Kids will point and stare and then the parents feel awkward, and the Dad won't know where to put his fucking face.  Also watch out for old people, you don't wanna be causing early heart failures now do you?

CHOOSE YOUR TWITTER AVATAR AND FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE WISELY - What if the person of your dreams decides to follow you and catches you on a mutual page and you thought it would be LOLz to put the picture up of you passed out drunk in the flower bed and someone had drawn a massive cock on your cheek? And why for the love of Muhammad would you use the pic someone did of you on their iPhone with that app that makes you fat? Don't you like having sex?

IF THERE IS A GIRL IN YOUR GROUP WHO HARDLY EVER TALKS OR HANGS WITH THE GIRLS AND IS ALWAYS WITH THE GUYS SHE WILL PROBABLY FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND - I'm just saying.  These bitches are sneaky sausages and want a slice of your man.

WILL YOU PLEASE REMOVE THAT NASTY ASS CHIPPED NAIL VARNISH OFF YOUR TOES!!! - Chipped varnish on your finger nails can look 'rock starry' or 'edgy' if you prefer that word. But on the toes you look like hooker hookity hook hook...ESPESH when you wear peep toe shoes. Just please sort that shit out.

STOP TRYNA 'OWN' SHIT - Like if you decide you suddenly love 90's RNB, a new slang term you learnt off UrbanDictionary  or wearing stripes - it dun mean you are the Queen of all things RNB, crap words and stripey stuff! Hello and good evening you did not invent that shit.

DON'T JUST BE LICKING ANY DUDES ASSHOLE - They all love it. Most will ask for it. But for Gods sake, have your limitations. If they want it they can put a er....ring on it :-/

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-dix-sept

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - Right I never do this, but I'm gonna speak personally here for a second...it won't happen again so don't get used to it.  I write a pretty, shall we say, 'out there' blog.  I am also not what you would call a 'wallflower'.  Some people will get me, many won't.  I can't care about that otherwise it will send me stir crazy.  Imagine if I heard everything that gets said about me?  I'd probably throw myself off the nearest tall building ... (we have a whole SEVEN of those to choose from here in Perth)  My point is, with the good comes the bad.  With the lovers come the haters.  If you aren't somebody who fades into the background then people will have opinions of you and not all of them will be positive.  I wouldn't say don't care what people say about you, because I think a certain amount of criticism is a positive thing.  As long as YOU are happy with yourself...and lets be honest, we always know what we wanna change.  Surround yourself with good, non 'people pleasers' and listen to your intuition.  The rest can go fuck themselves.  So if you have non love for the Owl and you are reading this...then my message to you is, 'Hey there! Thanks for reading toots'

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Facebook Ettiquette

We lead double lives now.  One real one.  One internet one.  Some of us have the hang of keeping the balance.  Others...not so much.  The difference between the two, is that you have more control over the one that is on the net. 

PHOTOGRAPHS - oh dear.  Until Facebook sorts it out that we have to approve before people get tag happy, you might need to reel it in a little.  It's pretty fucked that someone can just take a shit photo of you then plaster it on the net for all and sundry.  It's almost better that shit gets tagged, otherwise its just out there...in the interweb wilderness...and you will have no idea.  So...

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-quatre

IF YOU ARE FINDING DIFFICULTY IN GIVING YOUR DOG HIS TABLET AND YOU WOULD RATHER POKE YOURSELF IN THE EYE THAN RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT, PUT IT IN A LUMP OF PEANUT BUTTER...WORKS LIKE A DREAM - Thank you ClawMoney!

MAKE SURE YOU LOOK HOT IN YOUR FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURE - Dude, are you crazy to put wack shit up there? God knows who's checking you out...it could be anyone! Stop putting those idiotic pics up where you think you are being all 'I don't care about looking cool' and therefore think everyone will think you are, in fact, 'cool'. We all want to be down...lets be honest.

SOMEONE IS TALKING BEHIND YOUR BACK RIGHT NOW...LIKE RIGHT THIS MINUTE! - What you gonna do about it? I'll tell you what you do...you do absolutely fuck. all. Look here lady, you can't be amazing and expect people not to get jelly and talk shit. It's what humans do to make themselves feel better about their own love handles/sluttiness/fuck show of a life. We all do it...so get off your high horse.

IS HE TAKING AGES TO BLOW AND YOU JUST WANT IT OVER WITH NOW? - Sit on his face and give him the 'ol double handed blow job. It works as well as putting your dogs medication in peanut butter. Believe.

VOTE - 'cause not voting is for mugs and people without opinion. Who ARE these people?

CREATIVE PEOPLE...THIS IS FOR YOU - The difference between you and the artist/writer/musician you admire is only marginally talent, but mostly it's because they got off their ass and did it. The mountain ain't never coming to Mohammad baby.

REMEMBER...keep that shit tight.

XXXO

ARTWORK BY INSA

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-deux

WHEN YOU BID ON THINGS ON EBAY, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH CASH MONIES IF YOU WIN - It's not pretend.

YOU WERE NEVER AS FAT AS YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE - And you will never be as thin as you are now.

IF HE ONLY RINGS YOU PAST MIDNIGHT IT MEANS HE IS ONLY IN IT FOR THE NOOKIE - Don't even answer the damn phone. Unless of course, you are only in it for the sex too.

CHEATERS USUALLY TAKE THEIR PHONES WITH THEM TO THE SHOWER - They also send text messages in the wee hours and start sleeping with it under their pillow. Yup, chances of homeboy dipping it elsewhere are highly likely petal. Pack him up and send him gift wrapped to the whore.

DON'T COMPLAIN IN RESTAURANTS - Are you fucking crazy? Did you want them to rub your burger between their ass in the kitchen? They totally do it, 'cause lets be honest, WE would do it. If it's edible, it means its not that bad, if its not...just don't eat it and walk out. I ain't funny with food man, but I don't want no saliva in my pesto.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN APPLE MAC, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE SOME SUPERIOR BEING - Same goes for Iphones. FUCK I am so OVER the Iphone talk! It couldn't even send picture messages until yesterday or something!

IF YOUR STATUS UPDATES ON FACEBOOK ARE ALWAYS ABOUT FOOD, IT PROLLY MEANS YOU IS GETTING A FAT ASS - Ive seen this happen.

It's because I care x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante

GET RID OF THOSE RANDOM HAIRS THAT GROW AROUND YOUR NIPPLES - Don't get grossed out, you know they happen. Grab your tweezers and sort that shit out please.

YOU CAN'T USE THE EXCUSE THAT YOU WERE DRUNK WHEN YOU HOPPED INTO BED WITH THAT LOSER - If we're being honest, we always know what we are doing. Plus, if you say you were drunk and didn't know what was happening, then it was technically rape ... and not in a good way.

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK LIKE EFFY FROM SKINS - Deal with it.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE WHEN YOU ARE HIGH AND KEEPING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER? - I've got news for you... you are just as equally a dirty drug taker. Get off your diamond encrusted pedestal and shove it up your judgemental ass.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME KIND OF FEMFRESH PRODUCT IN YOUR BATHROOM CABINET - Keep that shit tight yo.

WHATS WITH ANNOUNCING IT BEFORE CONDUCTING A FACEBOOK FRIEND CULL? - I'm assuming you are deleting people 'cause you never speak to them or know who they are? Why do you think they would give a monkeys? Plus if it's a passive aggressive way of telling someone you're pissed at them, then do it the old fashioned way and meet them after school...I'm guessing that's where you are still in attendance?

WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES, DOUBLE DENIM AND MIX YOUR GOLD AND SILVER JEWELLERY - I promise you won't spontaneously combust if you do these things. Fuck those fashion magazine do's and dont's.

Don't go changing to try to please me x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-deux

IF YOU ARE A DRIVER WOULD YOU INDICATE PLEASE - For fucks sake, are you tryna kill me?

MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF TOILET PAPER ARE REMOVED BEFORE SEXY TIME - That shit will stay with you. It is something that will DEFINITELY come up during boy talk. Don't put a bulls eye on your forehead.

TRY AND AVOID GETTING INTO A BRAGGING PING PONG MATCH - You know what I mean...some bitch starts telling you how much she paid for her LV handbag, how big her boyfriends dick is or how if she doesn't have anything to wear she just 'makes something'. Oh God. I seriously wanna round house kick these ho's in the face! And then after that I wanna kick MYSELF in the face because I find that I end up taking the bait. I just can't fucking help it! You wanna try and bring the bitch down to size so you end up competing and therefore hating yourself for it because you know you're being an off the Richter scale lamo. Just nod and stroke the insecure cow's ego (hardly any of what she is saying is true anyway) or compete with, 'Oh really? Well my bf's dick ain't as big as that so I find myself regularly indulging in some gang bang action with my local high school football team'. She'll get the drift. Competing over dumbass things like this is a bit like the special Olympics....even if you win, you're still retarded.

PLEASE DON'T LOAD YOUR BORING ASS PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK - Hmm, I'm probs the last to talk here...but read my blog banner. Exactly. ANYWAY, nobody actually gives a shit that you got a new washing machine. Believe.

QUIT SAYING YOU'RE 'TIRED' - It's almost like people can't help themselves. They ain't even tired! It's a bit tough getting the 'ol 8 hour shut eye shit, I'll give you that' but J.H. Christ...you're like 21 or some shit! How can you be tired!? Stop stuffing that processed golden arched 'food' down your throat and try getting some sun from time to time. Just hold up on your fucking whinging.

DROP OLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY A LINE ONCE IN A WHILE - Just take some timeout to show the people that mean alot to you just how much. You know how good it feels when someone does it to you innit?

Spread the love people x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente

IF YOU OPEN A PACKET OF TIM TAM'S, THE TEMPTATION TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING IS FAR TOO HIGH - Therefore, just don't purchase the fuckers.

DON'T PRETEND TO BE ILL OR DRUNK JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND - It looks beyond desperate and pathetic. If you are feeling attention starved, maybe assess your expectations or dump the bozo. Either way, the whole damsel in distress thing is just not cricket.

NOTHING CURES A HANGOVER LIKE A SWIM IN THE OCEAN - And I do mean NOTHING.

WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND TAGGING PEEPS ON FACEBOOK, MAKE SURE IT'S FLATTERING - This should be made fucking compulsory internet etiquette. Because I'm telling ya, that shit has karma.

SHAVE YOUR LEGS (NOT IN FRONT OF HIM) - Seriously bitches, they like us warm, tight and SMOOTH. Don't be retarded and get out the razor.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED WITH THE BITCHING TO MAKE FRIENDS - In fact, you'll probs find you make better friends without a tongue that lashes fire. And really, if you are over the age of 25 you have no business talking shit about kids. Grow the fuck up.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING BRIGHT YELLOW KICKS - Don't be afraid of the daring. Be inspired.

Email me with your Q's at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com. Inspire me x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE DEFINITION OF 'BEIGE'

• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin - Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg...so yes, I guess you could get more boring.

• Having specific nights to do everything..i.e. Monday is laundry night, Tuesday we nip down the grocery store, Wednesday we have sex etc etc Get yourself a life...they're nice.

• Being a scenester and all looking the same, then going to a gig to be 'seen' on the 'scene' and just standing against the wall looking miserable in your over styled ensemble.

• French mani's...or worse...french pedi's! Who the hell wants brilliant white toe nail tips?! (cue attack)

• Missionary position - we've come a long way now people. Although, sometimes this can be just what the doctor ordered - so let's call this more of a 'tan' than a 'beige'.

• Those bloody magazines that have pictures of a celeb (usually Sienna Miller or someone from Gossip Girl) and then they tell you where to shop to get the exact same outfit 'on a budget' - oh my shattered nerves.

• Poland. (sorry Poland)

• Those 'built to plan' houses furnished with the same old shit from IKEA. Then everyone sits on their beige sofa (come now, we know it's gonna be beige), watching Australian Idol, eating dinner off their laps (chicken parma or spag boll with 'fake' Parmesan) and then off to their beige beds to have sex in the missionary position or not at all. This is my worst nightmare realised. (*NOTE: I enjoy IKEA - but we all know what I'm talking about here)

• Tattoo's that are like so fully symbolic with a squillion meanings and the person goes on and on about the different colours and how they thought about the design and how it didn't hurt at all until they got to the boney bit blah blah blah. Get over your beige selves.

• Decorating your bathroom with a 'nautical' feel and putting seashells everywhere. Oh God. It's been done.

• Facebook Status updates that say, 'It's raining! On a day like this all I want to do is snuggle in bed and watch DVDs' - oh wow! What a good idea! Nobody else ever thinks of that...so glad you gave us such a brilliant plan! Jesus, the beigness is blinding.

• Luke warm coffee. Why is it that I have to ask them to make it 'extra hot' these days? Luke warm ANYTHING is just not enjoyable.

• 'All Age' gigs. As a friend once said; watching a band without a drink in your hand is like having sex with your clothes on. It's OK. But it's not ideal.

• Skinny jeans. Vans. a Mo when it's not Movember. Flanno. Beanie (even in tropical weather). You're like so anti everything, yet you're like so mainstream. Like oh my gosh.

• 'Themed' parties. I'm so over them I couldn't BE more over them. Let's all make a 'beige' themed party and go as a slutty nurse or something.

• Finding the perfect 'shade' of paint for your IKEA house. Let's get real...you know you're just gonna choose beige.

• Toast with nothing on it.

• Telling me a long drawn out story about your child's bowel movements. Hey man, you chose that life - spare me the details.

Beige isn't a colour. It's a lifestyle choice.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (3)

...you've just put in a fresh tampon and then like 5 minutes later you need the toilet? It's such a waste of those white cigars.

...when you meet a dude, and you start talking to him and he drops it into conversation after like 5 minutes that he has a girlfriend? Um, calm down honey...I only asked if that seat was taken.

...when you ask one of your girlfriends if you look fat or if your hair looks alright and they just keep saying you look amazing even though you know you don't? Seriously, just be honest and stop trying to be such a frikkin people pleaser.

...you are horribly hungover on a beautiful day? And you know what makes it EVEN worse? Going through your sent text messages from the night before...fuck.my.life.

...you have been having an ongoing flirtatious relationship with a male friend that you find incredibly attractive, and then, you finally have sex and it becomes awkward and the flirtation disappears? You needed to know what the sex would be like, but the thought of it was more exciting than the event? It's a double edged sword this mating game.

...those mother fucking wankers put those God awful photos of you on facebook? Like seriously, it's just downright mean and a form of cyber bullying. WHY did you have to put that photo of me just about to put a massive fork full of food in my mouth and then have the audacity to TAG the fucker and put a 'witty' (debatable) comment underneath it. This means war...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ONE NIGHT STAND

KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF IN FOR - Do you think you might like the guy? Are you able to do this and not feel the need to compulsively message and facebook stalk him afterwards? Are you sure you are doing it because you are really horny and not just because you are attention starved? Think about these things sugar. And answer them truthfully. Because if you think you might want more...then stop yourself. Easier said then done I know. I'm like a frikkin express train...ever seen a train try to hit the breaks in a hurry? Yeah. Exactly.

USE PROTECTION - God knows where his fleshy sword has been in battle. And not only that but it's also all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

DO NOT FALL FOR HIS LINES - Look, we are all adults here. It's the 21st God damn fucking century...chicks have cobwebs of sexual starvation that need dusting with meaty feather dusters from time to time. Be up front about what you are about to do. Get him to be straight with you. It's the empty promises that are the head fuck. If you are in for the night only, let him know, so he can drop his little game plan and both parties can enter the night of passion on an equal footing. Unless he is a sadistic bastard and gets off on treating woman like disposable razors, you do not need to give up any ass for a dick-for-brains like this. Let some bimbo stroke his non existent ego and fluff his insecurities. You are better than that.

TRY TO STAY ON GOOD TERMS - Hey, you've just been mega intimate with another human being. He has seen parts of your body not even you have seen without the help of a small handheld mirror. If you bump into him, greet him with a smile and a knowing wink. Let's be mature about it. After all, if it was good, you might want to do it again.

THE ODD ONE NIGHTER EVERY SO OFTEN CAN BE SATISFYING AND GIVE YOU A SELF ESTEEM BOOST - However...the one nighter every WEEKEND can have the complete opposite effect. These sexy run in's should be viewed as a treat my lovelies and NOT as your staple diet

LEAVE THE PARTY TRICKS AND SECRET WEAPONS FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE THAN JUST A REAL LIFE DILDO - Look sweetheart, this is drive through...not a three course frikkin meal. If he wants caviar then he will need to put in the effort. You will give him the standard burger and fries meal and he will like it. If he is particulary deserving then maybe you can super size it and I mean MAYBE, but don't be doing that willy nilly. The one night stand is much like fast food in the way that it always seems like such a good idea at the time...it smells good, it tastes good and it often hits the spot. Thing is with fast food though, the satisfaction in usually fleeting...and you are still left feeling hungry.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-sept

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS - ARE BEYOND TACKY - Don't get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online playground to hang your dirty laundry, but would you say those things and behave that way in person? Because it's virtually the same thing. I have opinions and bad impressions of people I've never even met just because of their tacky demeanour on facebook. Pick up the phone and call your boyfriend, instead of asking him on a public forum who that blonde was he was speaking to. Social networks are great for staying in touch and networking, but you should hold back as much as you would in person...things like arguments, break downs, break ups, verbally abusing someone should all be sacred. All you are doing is making other people feel better about their own lives, because compared to yours, we aren't that fucked up after all.

LUCAS' PAW PAW OINTMENT AND ELIZABETH ARDEN 8 HOUR CREAM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND - The two virtually do the same thing. But it's great for eye cream, lip balm, cheek highlighting, grazed knees, dry cuticles, um...carpet burns, er...chafing, dry nipples and once I used it as lube. That wasn't so great actually. Don't try that one.

DOGS WILL ALWAYS SNIFF YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD - Yeah that's right, get grossed out, but you know it fucking happens. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you pay extra attention to hygiene during those days when the painters and decorators are in. That means bathe more you morons.

GET YOUR TITS MEASURED - An ill fitting bra can ruin your entire look. I have been blessed or cursed...depends how you wanna look at it...with DD's. For ages I was wearing a C and I had the '2 boob' look going...you know what I'm talking about. Some hoe's like that because they like to show off their mammary glands like a cat with a dead mouse. But really, it does your chest no favours. Same goes for those that have itty bitty boobies. Stop wearing those God awful bras with those gel things in them...they sit away from your boobs with a little gap and you can see that you are trying to fake them! Embrace your flat chest Kate Moss styley and wear nothing! Or wear those gorgeous lacy little numbers that us girls with massive bazookas can only dream about. Hell, if I had small tits I'd wear sheer tops with nothing underneath, in a cool 'fuck you' kinda way. It really is just as subtle as those that get their generous cleavages out. And I would advise to have one great black bra that can go strapless, backless, and halter...it really is the best thing you can invest in as far as underwear goes. I have 2 and I have a few sexy naughty numbers for those special occasions...puurrrrrrr. So throw out those bad fitting, crappy bra's or just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot.