Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-six

BEWARE OF TOOTHPICKS - They get the irrit bits of animal flesh out of the gaps between your molars, but they fuck up your gums.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S OLD, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S 'VINTAGE' - Or cool for that matter.

PLEASE DON'T BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HIS MAN JUICE - It's SEX which means it gets MESSY and it's all part of the fun. Just take it on your chest like a real woman and shower afterwards. And no matter if he misses, those 4million count Egyptian cotton sheets go alright in the wash.

NOT ALL SOUTH AFRICANS ARE RACIST - Just like not all Australians have bad accents, not all Americans are ignorant, not all of the English have bad teeth, not all Germans visit brothels when travelling, not all Chinese people eat dogs and cats and only a few Canadians talk funny.

OLIVES AND CUCUMBER ARE THE DEVILS FOOD - And they may kill you. Plus I can't be your friend if you indulge in such filth.

STRETCH SATIN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND - It never was.

BLONDE'S! PLEASE WEAR LEOPARD PRINT WITH CARE - You don't wanna look like a bar maid at the Queen Vic.

JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE YOUR PHOTO BLACK AND WHITE ... - Does mean you are arty. Same goes for turning them into polaroids.

DO NOT POSE IN NUDE SHOTS FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND OF 3 MONTHS - It will all end in tears.

DON'T JUST LAY THERE - Push your boobies together and scream like you mean it.

WHEN HE SAY'S THAT HE HAS 'JUST BEEN BUSY' - It means you aren't on his mind and you should totes forget about him and delete his number. No exceptions.

Hmm a bit random this one. I just type as I think x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-cing

THE WORD 'PAKI' IS NOT COOL - Not everyone who looks like they could be from Pakistan are from Pakistan. How would you feel if you were called an American if you were Canadian? Irish if you were Scottish? Kiwi if you were Aussie? A racist just because you were a white South African? Fuck off with your ignorance.

IT'S UBER TACKY TO TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR EX - So it didn't work out? Move on! 1 on 1 bitch fests with your best mate over wine is OK though.

MAKE SURE YOU CLEAN YOUR GENITALS PROPERLY - FOR SEE.REE.OWS. It's a moist crevice for God's sake! Shit can get nasty. It takes like 4.5 seconds in the shower and remember to wipe properly! Plus if it's period time, ya need to bathe more. You may think I'm a bit OTT with this, but my bitches know about the girls I'm talking about. (Sozz I called them genitals - it's a pretty cringe word)

EVERY SO OFTEN YOU NEED A 'MEDIA BOYCOTT' - Yup that means an entire day with no twitter, email, facebook, myspace (does that even still exist?). I swezz to God it helps clear the head. Go take a long bath, read a book, phone a friend instead chatting on the interweb. Let's get back to basics for 24 hours.

IT'S NOT COOL TO LEAVE A PARTY WITHOUT SAYING 'G'BYE - At least make sure you say adios and thanks to the host. Rule of thumb: If there is less than 5 people at the bash, you have to say bye to all of 'em. Else they'll talk about when you leave for defs.

NEVER HAVE SEX IN YOUR PARENTS BED - Would you like it if they had sex in yours? Exactly. And furthermore, if any of my friends are reading this, you may only have sex in my bed if you are good looking. I want no ugly 'ma fuckers bumping and grinding between my sheets thanks.

No thank YOU x