Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-dix-sept

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - Right I never do this, but I'm gonna speak personally here for a second...it won't happen again so don't get used to it.  I write a pretty, shall we say, 'out there' blog.  I am also not what you would call a 'wallflower'.  Some people will get me, many won't.  I can't care about that otherwise it will send me stir crazy.  Imagine if I heard everything that gets said about me?  I'd probably throw myself off the nearest tall building ... (we have a whole SEVEN of those to choose from here in Perth)  My point is, with the good comes the bad.  With the lovers come the haters.  If you aren't somebody who fades into the background then people will have opinions of you and not all of them will be positive.  I wouldn't say don't care what people say about you, because I think a certain amount of criticism is a positive thing.  As long as YOU are happy with yourself...and lets be honest, we always know what we wanna change.  Surround yourself with good, non 'people pleasers' and listen to your intuition.  The rest can go fuck themselves.  So if you have non love for the Owl and you are reading this...then my message to you is, 'Hey there! Thanks for reading toots'

Read more »

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-quinze

THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS THE BEST WAY TO GO - It's never the easiest but it's the best. Lies and secrets bog you down and make you frown. And you don't want no wrinkles up in your grill for at least another 10 years.  Honesty is the best policy...the consequences might not always be ideal, but at least that black cloud will disappear from above your head, ya get me?

I KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK, BUT DANCING LIKE A SKANK IS SO NOT FLATTERING - You ain't in the Playboy Mansion and as far as I know, only teenage boys get turned on by girls gyrating on each other these days.  You are basically dry humping another girls leg and you aren't a lesbian.  God hates attention seekers.

SO HERE'S THE THING WITH DRESSING IN ITTY BITTY DRESSES ON A NIGHT OUT ... - I won't lie, you look hot. OK, SOME of you look hot, if you get it right.  A short tight red dress, killer heels on the end of killer pins with red lipstick and an ice cool exterior will look banging...but only if you stay composed and sober.  Otherwise, everyone remembers THAT girl who passed out drunk after falling out of her heels with her dress around her waist.  If you know you're gonna get torched that night, stick to jeans or something that will ensure that your mouse stays in the house.

STUFFED ANIMALS ON THE DASHBOARD OF YOUR CAR OR ON YOUR BED ARE NOT OK! - You are a grown woman!  OK, Asians seem to get away with this...I dunno why.  I'm not being racist, I love Asians! But yeah, they have that whole 'Hello Kitty' thing down where it just looks kitch and cool, instead of us lot who look tacky and pathetic.  Just stop it!  Unless you're Asian, then it's cool I s'pose.

THE PROBLEM WITH BEGINNING TO LIKE SOMEONE, IS THAT YOU THEN START TO EXPECT THINGS FROM THEM - Like you hold them in a certain regard and expect them to reach that standard and not slip off the imaginary pedestal you put them on.  Lighten up buddy, they never asked for your attention!  We is all but a human being, no?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and one for luck x

Art by Ben Frost

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The things that will make you look like a slut

RIDICULOUSLY SHORT SKIRTS IN MID WINTER - You don't look hot, you look cold and uncomfortable.

STRETCH SATIN - Why not just wear a fishnet bodysuit and get it over with?

TAKING IT IN THE BUM THE FIRST TIME YOU GET DOWN - Come now lassie. I've told you before...keep the party tricks for later...or else home boy will get full way to early...ya get me?

GETTING YOUR TITS OUT WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK - Or in front of his friends.

FLIRTING WITH HIS FRIENDS - There is banter and then there is, 'Hey, we should watch porn together some time'

YOU FORGET THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD SEX WITH - I'm not gonna lie...it's a concern.

YOU HAVE HERPES - Again...it's concerning...for many reasons.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE BABY DADDY IS - I say pick the richest one.

THE PERSON YOU'RE FUCKING IS MARRIED OR HAS A GIRLFRIEND - Check yourself. You deserve better. And so does she.

YOU BEGIN TO REALISE THAT THERE IS NO ONE LEFT IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS TO HAVE SEX WITH - Even the girls.

GIRLS ARE NEVER KEEN TO LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH THEIR MAN - Please girl, sort your fucking life out.

YOUR VAGINA HAS BASICALLY BEEN A REVOLVING MAN DOOR AND MORE THAN TWO GENTLEMAN HAVE TAKEN A SPIN IN UNDER A WEEK - Unless it's a one off...ehrm, *cough* cough*

Hey, I know I may cop a bit of shit for this...mainly because I scream and shout about sexual equality for women...but there is a blurred line between being a sensual female who enjoys taking a lover from time to time and likes to explore her sexuality, and being an insecure cum bucket who uses sex as balm for her lacerated self esteem, comprende?

*If you have ever encountered the dreaded 'herp' or the 'clap' then it doesn't necessarily make you a slut. I'm sorry. But if you don't know who you could have got it from ...well...

XXXO

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-deux

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE - Probs the only thing that you really need to take from the Bible.

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU DRESS DURING WINTER - If you go out on a night with a minus 5 degree temperature, and all you are wearing is a tight, stretch satin dress and heels you can't walk in, people will immediately assume that you are a slut. Brutal but true. Put some clothes on love, it's cold out.

DON'T FLIRT WITH YOUR TEACHERS OR YOUR FRIENDS DAD - It's weird.

MAYONNAISE PRETTY MUCH MAKES EVERYTHING TASTE BETTER - Don't fight it.

SMILE AT SOMEONE - It will make their day, and make you feel a bit better about life. It's the simple things people.

DON'T GET A TATTOO JUST BECAUSE BOYS DIG THEM - It's the lamest reason to get permanently ingrained that ever lived. Do it because you want to - tattoo's are forever. And so is herpes.

WHATS WITH THE WHOLE KNITTING/BAKING/SEWING WEIRD ASS LITTLE OUTFITS FOR YOUR PETS PHENOMENON? - Is there some kind of 'Golden Girl' revolution that I am unaware of?

DUDE, TOTALLY PUT FETA IN YOUR MASHED POTATOES - You won't be sorry.

Don't be sorry, be careful xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-huit

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NATURALLY GOOD LOOKING TO BE HOT - It's true! SO many times I've met dudes that haven't grabbed my attention when I first looked at them, but then after a little chinwag and a few glasses of vino, I just imagine them on top of me. I think I may have just given the green light on being a drunken slut....I can't be sure...I hope you get my point.

HAVE A LITTLE MYSTERY - Yes. I know that's a bit rich coming from moi. But I am for serious here, keep that element of cool - otherwise, there is no point in trying to get to know you if it is just all spread out on the proverbial table.

PLEASE CLEAN THE MAKE-UP SLUDGE OFF YOUR MOBILE PHONE - It's pretty fucking gross.

IF HE HAS FACIAL TATTOO'S YOU MAY HAVE SEX WITH HIM - But under no circumstances are you to get involved in any sort of committed relationship with him.

CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER IS WAY BETTER THAN SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER - Please don't send me any comments about this. I am right.

Looking forward to seeing some of you at the Owl for Haiti party tomorrow night x