Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 25

FOR BOYS ONLY

WOMEN ARE STILL UP FOR CHIVALRY - I'm reading your mind right now, and I'm reading that you are thinking 'Well act like a fucking lady then' and it's true! But there seems to be a chicken and an egg sitch happening here. Like, did girls start becoming more of a beer slurping, potty mouthed, unromantic breed and therefore, men feel strange opening doors for them?  Or did girls decide to take a if you can't beat 'em, join 'em approach?  I think that girls are just out to impress boys by being crass and vulgar (especially on social networks and um, blogs) but deep down, they still want a prince to sweep in and treat them like a Disney princess. 

BUT HERE'S THE CONUNDRUM FOR YOU LOT... - The trend for dirty, badass sex is on the rise amongst chicks. It is!  Thanks to shows such as 'Secret Diaries of a Call Girl' and the ever trusty old Sarah Jessica (walks into a bar) Parker in Sex and the City, it has become more acceptable for women to be more open about their sexual preferences..out loud. So here they are online and in social situations saying how much they love a finger being slipped in the ass, or taking a load in their face and THEN are expecting you to be all, 'Hey baby you OK? You cold? you want my jacket?' And you know what? So they should! Don't let a women's behaviour in front of you fool you...she wants you to be a gentleman and woo her (yes woo) - and then whisper 'whore' into her ear in the bedroom. Confusing for you? Yes. But only if you aren't yet a man and can't handle it.

WHEN SHE TELLS YOU 'I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING MY BOOBS/NOSE/LIPS DONE' ... - it means she wants you to go 'Why?! You don't need to!' - humor her please.

GROW SOME AND DON'T ASK A GIRL OUT OVER CHAT OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ONLINE MEDIA - Caallllllllllllllllllllll Heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Fuck.

FANNY FARTS HAPPEN - And we thank you for making us feel comfortable about them. Ignoring it is always good but making a light hearted joke can be cute. Just don't be a wanker about it, because Lord knows, one day you ain't gonna be bringing any wood to the party and you will end up being that fat kid crying in the corner. Ya get me? x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 20

FOR BOYS ONLY

DON'T ASK US, JUST DO IT - I'm talking about the dirty stuff here.  It's hot if you just take matters into your own hands and own that shit.  Except for where the jizz goes...that's up to us. Sozz.

CALL HER !! - Man up bonehead.

STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING 'UP TALKER' - Anything we can do you can do better hey? Eurgh, know-it-all dudes are such clit killers.

CHOOSE YOUR CAR COLOUR WISELY - Yellow and purple cars are not Owl friendly.  My girls hate those. Tacky and tasteless...plus, what does that tell us about your life choices?  Exactly.

ALWAYS WALK ROAD SIDE NEXT TO A GIRL - Don't underestimate the power of chivalry.  Chicks totally dig it.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WOMAN AND GIRLS ... - A girl will be impressed with the amount of money you earn and your status.  A woman is impressed with manners and the fact that an independent woman intrigues you...not frightens you.  A woman also enjoys it if you are able to flip her over with one hand.

EAT PUSSY - Stop being such a selfish brat.

miss you x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-neuf

GET ENOUGH SLEEP - You may think you are laughing in the face of the sandman, but that little fucker will chuck you under a sand dune when you least expect it. Don't underestimate the power of the slumber, and get some shut eye. You are not a salmon.

KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN - I'm talking about drugs here. And for those who never partake, good for you! And for those who do ... you know what I'm talking about. Don't be that guy.

HOLDING YOUR FINGER TO YOUR MOUTH AND GOING 'SSHHH' IS THE MOST PATRONISING THING ONE CAN DO TO ANOTHER PERSON - Who do you think you are? Rhianna?

WHEN YOU GO TO A STRIP CLUB, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A HOSTESS FEE - So don't look too shocked when service charge is a whopping 27%. Plus that is just for a bog standard pole dance. And on top of that, old mate stripper will come out looking like a dogs dinner, wearing sparkly flip flops and have a vagina that looks like cos lettuce. Jus sayin.

DON'T BE BORING - It's embarrassing.

Still in London. But my brain is on the hill in Glastonbury. I should get some kind of award for typing this shit x