Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The stuff that makes you 'that guy' at a party

We've all been to a party where there has been that 'non-chiller' who just throws the spanner in the works. Or vomits on the carpet.  Don't be that guy.

LEAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING iPOD ALONE - If it ain't your party, you don't get to just get up and change the tunes, ESPECIALLY if you are just an extension of someone else who was actually invited to said soiree...then it's just plain rude.  Plus, 'that guy' who always takes it upon himself to be 'DJ Extrodinaire' just fucks with the vibe and there is nothing worse than having a song nuked right in the middle followed by hearing 2.5 seconds of the beginning of each song until he finds his desired track.  And whats that?  You brought your own ipod? Congratulations! Now fuck off.

BYO - Don't be a cheap cunt.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-neuf

GET ENOUGH SLEEP - You may think you are laughing in the face of the sandman, but that little fucker will chuck you under a sand dune when you least expect it. Don't underestimate the power of the slumber, and get some shut eye. You are not a salmon.

KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN - I'm talking about drugs here. And for those who never partake, good for you! And for those who do ... you know what I'm talking about. Don't be that guy.

HOLDING YOUR FINGER TO YOUR MOUTH AND GOING 'SSHHH' IS THE MOST PATRONISING THING ONE CAN DO TO ANOTHER PERSON - Who do you think you are? Rhianna?

WHEN YOU GO TO A STRIP CLUB, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A HOSTESS FEE - So don't look too shocked when service charge is a whopping 27%. Plus that is just for a bog standard pole dance. And on top of that, old mate stripper will come out looking like a dogs dinner, wearing sparkly flip flops and have a vagina that looks like cos lettuce. Jus sayin.

DON'T BE BORING - It's embarrassing.

Still in London. But my brain is on the hill in Glastonbury. I should get some kind of award for typing this shit x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: SUMMER MUSIC FESTIVALS

KNOW THE LINE UP, CHECK THE TIMETABLE AND WORK OUT WHO YOU WANT TO SEE - There will be clashes, this is inevitable. But you what you need to do is work out who is the more 'epic'. Like if it was between say Elton John and The Presets...you might prefer the The Presets over old Johnny boy but ya know you will be banging to those clever Aussies at least another 10 times within the next 5 years but Elton John is someone you tell your kids about. You also may be misguided into seeing something you don't want to because half your crew has the deciding vote ... don't get sucked in. I found myself watching The Prodigy last year instead of Neil Young only to find that the British mentalists are returning this year and I have no idea when I will get to sway my lighter to Mr Young again.

THE ESSENTIALS INCLUDE ... - Sunscreen, a hairband to tie your hair up after you are fed up with it sticking to the sweat at the back of your neck, money, lip balm, wet wipes, sunglasses, painkillers for those impromptu exhaustion headaches and a good attitude.

WATER WATER WATER - Did I mention water?

THE OUTFIT - *YAWN* to the boys wearing denim cut offs, singlets, straw fedoras and those bloody kung fu shoe's. And girls...could we watch out for the dodgy fake tan jobs? Ya look super duper orange in the sun, like a walking bloody Cheezal. Go second hand shopping and choose something original. Flowy little frocks that you take up the hem to de-nerdify it. Or cheap as chips little singlet dresses with flip flops and loads of bling. Whatever, I don't really care what you wear, just don't be fucking beige about it.

PLEASE DON'T PISS ON THE TOILET SEAT - C'mon now. As if the process isn't gross enough.

THE WHOLE 'DRESSING UP IN MATCHING OUTFITS WITH WORDS WRITTEN ON YOUR CHEST IS ZINC' IS LIKE SOOOOO OVER - It's been done.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE LINE UP, AND CAN'T BE ARSED THEN DON'T GO - There is some poor sod out there who fucking loves it and couldn't go because it was sold out to some person who couldn't give a shit. Then again, that's life really innit?

WITH THE FESTIVAL COMES THE DRUGS... - Just don't be a silly bugger.

PLAY NICE - Come on...everyone is hot and everyone is sick of crowds. Be polite, offer your water, smile at someone and chill the fuck out.

I'm off to a 2 day festival this weekend...love you lots and I'll be sure to report back. Peace out owlies xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ART OF BEING DECADENT

SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN - It's when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of red whilst listening to some tunes and just getting wonderfully wasted all on your own. Heck I'm doing it as I type this. I highly recommend TV on the Radio, The Strokes or The Velvet Underground for your listening pleasure.

MASTURBATE FOR AGES AND AGES - OK, this is how you need to do it. Get comfortable and look sexy, yeah you are on your own, but you ARE about to have sex with someone you truly love after all. I recommend lying in a sort of up right position with loads of pillows under your head. Make sure you tease yourself a bit first, you would get annoyed with a man if he just went for the in and out so why should you? You need to imagine your sexiest scenario...anything you want, don't hold back. You should never judge other peoples fantasy's. Some might enjoy the thought of a man pumping away at her while he wears her underwear...um, I'm just saying some people, I er...I don't actually KNOW anyone who might like this. Kinda. You need to take a few hours out of your Sunday afternoon and have some precious 'me' time. Figure out for yourself what you like and what feels good. It will make you a better teacher.

PULL A SICKIE - You need to be sensible here. If you do it on a Monday, a Friday or the day before or after a public holiday it looks suss. You also need to be feeling a little 'poorly' the day before, like you need to feel a bit run down and have a 'searing headache' coming on. Then when you call in, speak to your boss directly. Put on a little wimpy sound and a slight cough wouldn't fucking go amiss either. The next day, when you return to work, you will have to be somewhat run down too. Lose the eyeliner maybe...and the blusher for good measure. OK, so you've done it. Now spend the day wisely. Stay off facebook, in fact, stay away from the Internet and turn your phone off. Have a shower, make something indulgent like pancakes with loads of maple syrup and blueberries, put your favourite back to back box set on the DVD player and veg the fuck out. You can't do this too often mind you for 2 main reasons, 1) nobody likes a slacker; and 2) you will get a fat ass.

GO TO AN ART GALLERY/THE MUSEUM/OR A MOVIE ALL ON YOUR OWN - Buy a travelling cappuccino (aka 'takeaway coffee') and get involved in some culture. It's beyond liberating and it's totally inspiring. Plus, it sounds ultra sophisticated when you get asked, 'So, what did you do on Saturday?'...'Oh, I just caught that exhibit at the blahdy blah' ... 'Oh rad, who did you go with?' ... 'Oh just myself'. How cool are YOU!

BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS - They look and smell nice and they will cheer you up.

CLIMB A TREE WITH A FRIEND - Then sit up there and smoke a joint. Note: Obnoxious Owl is not condoning drug use, but this is a realists blog, and realists smoke doobies from time to time.

PUT YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM ON REALLY LOUDLY AND LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR BATHROOM - Primp, Pluck and Pamper. Get rid of all body hair. Apply some self tan. Wash and deep condition your hair. Do a face mask. Paint your nails AND toe nails. Rub body lotion all over yourself, even your tits. Your body is your temple apparently, praise it.

GET SUPER DRESSED UP, GRAB THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND HIT THE TOWN - Now, I don't mean get dressed up like a tramp, get sozzled on cheap booze and look like something that lines a birdcage by 4 o'clock in the morning. I mean put on that frock that makes you feel confident and makes your tits look great. Indulge in the most expensive cocktails that taste amazing and make you look chic for drinking them - (I love most things with the word 'cock' in the name) Walk around with your head held high and pretend you are famous and that everyone loves you. Talk to strangers - but don't be a pain in the ass, make new friends and dance like you mean it. Ain't life grand?

SOMETIMES, AND I DO MEAN SOMETIMES, YOU NEED CHEERING UP AND FOOD CAN DO THAT - Cupcakes. They are the food of the future. Think about it...it is a perfectly formed individual cake JUST FOR ONE PERSON. What the hell is more indulgent that that?!

You're welcome x