O.W.L's Armchair Trend Predictions

A NEW POWER ANIMAL IS ON THE HORIZON.
I'm not gonna be one of those irritating bitches that say, 'I liked Owls for aaaages way before anyone else did' blah blah blah. Truth is I actually don't even dig Owls that much. Most are tacky on a necklace etc. Thing is, when I was little I really hated my big ass round eyes. I yearned for the almond shaped blue peepers of the prettiest girl in my class.  So my Nan used to tell me I looked like a little Owl and that I was beautiful. (aawww) so yeah, that's the Owl story. Plus 'ol blue eyes now has 3 kids, been divorced twice and she ate all the pies. But I digress....Owls are on their way out. As are other woodland creatures.  I think the hipsters are about to get on the dinosaur bandwagon OR it's all about the African steeze like lions and zebra's and stuff. But remember, you can't claim shit. Animals are there for the taking because they are on this earth for EVERYONE.  So don't be all like, 'I used to collect hippo's in the form of jewellery and prints etc and now EVERYONE is doing' say that to the fucking African jungle dipshit. We are all entitled to commercialise and make useless crap inspired by our 4 legged friends.  I just wish someone would decide to start making a less glamorous animal cool. Like a pig or an antelope or maybe even a taking the native fauna of Australia away from the bogans and turning the kangaroo into something hipster worthy? I dunno hey, I just think we should think out of the box on this one.

AH OH...I THINK THE VANS OBSESSION IS DWINDLING.
I am about as surprised that I am starting to see more and more Chucks around the traps as I am that JLo just got divorced.  Authentics are dope, don't get me wrong but FUCK these iconic foot coverings have been gang raped to within an inch of their lives. Thanks a lot Dog Town! So those who feel as though their parade has well and truly been pissed on by the masses are now turning to Converse. Give it time before you discover your old faithful Chucks are 20 bucks more expensive and your 17 year old sibling is asking Santa for a pair next Christmas.

'TACKY' IS NOW 'TRENDY'.
Everyone is gradually trying to out do one another in the tack game. If I had a dollar for everyone that has typed '90's trends' into Google hey.  There is a whole lot of 'Remember this?!' going on. No you don't fucking remember because you were like 3 or something.  I know this sounds a bit bitchy. God, my mum must think the same thing when I became obsessed with Madonna's Immaculate Collection. And I suppose young 'uns becoming obsessed with an era they didn't have much to do with keeps it alive and what not. I get it. Ignore me, I'm just turning 30 in a few weeks and I'm feeling sensitive.

BACK TO BASICS.
You know like when you've had loads of really rich food?  Like after Chrissy when you have pigged out on a bunch of selection boxes, trifle, every kind of roasted animal you can imagine and your weight in booze? You know how after all this you just want a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea? Or the more ambitious join a gym in January and stock their fridge with mineral water and carrots?  THAT my Owlies, is because over indulging  inevitably leads to simplicity. I predict that after all this fuss with Minaj inspired multi coloured hair, narcissistic and self indulgent tumblrs and over kill on information via the interwebs is only going to breed the desire to strip things right back and get back to basics. Over use always leads to under use. Belee dat.


CLEAN SKIN.
Ye old art form of tattoo's will become less enviable than having none at all.  There are legit kids under the age of 20 walking around looking not too dis similar to their colouring books from only 5 years ago. What. The. Fuck. You will hate them one day. I swear you will. I'm not even hating! I am all about accepting other folks style and choices and not judging one's style choices because it would be boring if we all looked the same etc etc but fuck kids, chill out on the colour needle yeah? Some things are sure in life: taxes, death, heart break and you growing up and being a very different person when you are 28 from when you were 18. Anyway, my point is, is that we all strive to be different hence going under the needle in the first place. But I really think that NOT having is on the verge of becoming way 'out there' than having any at all. Ya kna?

CHICKS IN KICKS.
Yeah yeah, it's nothing new. Just remember, as a friend of mine once said: Owning 100 pairs of air max does not make you a 'sneakerhead'. It makes you a consumer.

I'm putting the kettle on, who wants in?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Fashion tips straight from the Owl's beak

Right look.  I'm not one to dress people in pansy shit.  I have to quote one of my favorite broads MS FITZ when she say's 'Sorry. I don't dress pedestrians. I dress icons'. My mum tells me I look like I get dressed in the dark...sometimes I do.  Also, I hate the 'dress like this' pages in wanky magazines so this isn't me tryna get you to all look the same and be all 'you should wear loud colours and sport hooker nails'. No. It's about making the most with what your mama gave you and being fun and individual.  Whatever look you want to achieve or steeze you want to rock is fine by me.  Just keep it original and remember that the cherry on the red velvet cupcake for any outfit, is the 'tude (attitude, but with a cooler name) in which you approach it.

1. Please remember to remove the price from underneath your new shoes. Attention to detail please ladies. God, it's even worse if you got them in the sale and there is a massive red marker pen price ... nobody will want to marry you.  I reckon street hookers should have their price under their shoes though...discreet yes?
2. Those itty bitty skirts that you CONSTANTLY have to pull down?  You look like two things 1) uncomfortable; 2) highly USER friendly...if you know what I mean...:/  Seriously girls, I'm partial to a mini skirt myself but anything that requires 'fiddling' like skirts/cunt scarves that need pulling down, boob tubes that need pulling up etc just make everything awkward. 
3. ENOUGH with those sandals with the leather material thingie that go around the ankle. Yuck. Puke. Hurl. So over the rainbow with that shit!  You know the ones I'm bashing about?  THESE God awful things.  I don't care if you like them.  Start your own 'I love leather ankle cuff sandal fuck shows' blog and build a bridge babe.
4. Love, if you are packing a little more meat and gravy on your bones than most, you can't wear those body con dresses, short shorts or crop tops.  It makes you look a gazillion times bigger than you are.  Plus, as I've said before, you can't pour 1kg sugar into 500g bag...ya know?  And as for the skinny minnies ... if you are small chested those tops that have built in cups will make your titties look like 2 fried eggs.  No bum?  High waisted skinny jeans will make your bum look as flat as a driven over pigeon and that if you lift up your arms you'll probably fall through your own asshole.
5. Stop saving clothes for the 'right occasion'!  Wear the fuckers! OK, mabes a ball gown is a bit much for work...well...is it?  Anyway, I know that in Australia it's a shorts and rubber flip flop culture, but for the love of Mary Elizabeth, will you wear those things that have been in your wardrobe that you are saving for the hot date that never comes?  And while you're at it, chuck the things that are waiting for you to lose weight.  You probably wont...and if you do, you will want to buy new things.  
6. Now I enjoy a bit of OTT steeze on the accessory portion of the evening.  However, just letting any old muppet accessorise is like giving a child a loaded bling gun. Don't put on all your favorite things at once.  If you are wearing a huge statement necklace, then maybe go easy on your lobes. Then again, if you are wanting the cluttered 'loads of jewellery' look, then make sure it is all in the same colour or made from the same substance.  You don't wanna look like a floor fixture from DIVA. (*cheapo accessory store here in Aus for those who don't know)
7. Do you work in an office?  Do you have to wear a smart attire and heels?  Do you commute? Now here's the big question: Do you wear running shoes from home to work and carry your heels in a Harrods bag your Aunt brought back from England for you about 7 years ago?  Jesus mos def did not die for YOUR sins.  There MUST be better alternatives???
8. BinTang singlets and tshirts from Bali? Computer says noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
9. Let's all please just sit down and reflect on the obsession for American Apparel for a second.  This brand is the bandwagon of all bandwagons, we'll call it the 'Brandwagon'.  Sure it's cool.  I mean...it's pretty inoffensive really...with it being more basic than a sheet of A4 white paper satin finish.  It's just cotton tshirts and shit for the reasonable price of around 4000 bucks though hey?  Bargain Wagon.
10. Vintage is not always 'cool' ... sometimes it's just old crap.  It also probs belongs to a dead person.  Stop filling your wardrobes with rags that need buttons replacing, rips repairing and things that are uglier than a Heidi Montag's new face when she cries but you copped it 'cause it only cost like 10 cents or some shit.  Be discerning when it comes to vintage owlies!

Rock out with your frock out x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 13

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF A GIRL MESSAGES AND CALLS YOU INCESSANTLY IT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON HER HANDS - Sometimes it would seem that she may be obsessed, and often it is, but it's also out of boredom or because you said you would call, then you didn't so she feels rejected and is searching to nurture her bruised self esteem. So don't flatter yourself and think it's all about you. Girl may just be going through some personal issues or some shit.

IT'S COMMON COURTESY TO WALK A GIRL TO THE DOOR WHEN SHE IS LEAVING YOUR RESIDENCE - You know who you are.

WE WON'T JUDGE YOU IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY - We won't even tell anyone if you don't want us to.

DON'T REQUEST DIRTY PHOTOS - If she wants to do it, she'll do it of her own accord. But if she reads this blog, then she probs won't, 'cause I'm always advising my girls not to. It's never a good idea really. Wouldn't you rather be sticking it in the real thing than having a little wank over a pixelated photo on your crappy Nokia?

IF SHE HAS SEX WITH YOU ON THE FIRST DATE, IT DOES NOT MAKE HER A WHORE - ffs. It's 2010. Aren't we done with these old school rules? Ladies have needs too you know. If the moment feels right, and you're attracted to one another, and she decides to throw caution to the wind, DON'T get up on your holier than though pedestal and write her off as some kinda floozy.

SOME SAY THE EYES ARE THE WINDOWS TO A PERSONS SOUL - I say it's shoes. Bad shoes show poor judgment. How could you possibly think fake reptile, pointy toes, white slip on shoes are good? Sort your life out.

DON'T LET YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND RING YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND - What kind of pussy little boy allows that? I've seen it time and time again. The ex gets a message FROM YOUR PHONE I might add, asking the ex to stay away blah blah. It is just so pathetic. a) It makes it look like your new relationship is about as tight as Lindsay Lohans vagina; and b) it makes YOU look like a pansy. Grow some. And keep yO woman in line.

Here are some alternative shoe suggestions honey x

You Wish Jellyfish

So if money were no object, I would totes be throwing the Benjamin's at these works of fashion art...

This jacket by MARC JACOBS has got to be the most sensational thing I have seen like in the last however long. It's BEGGING for fuchsia lips from limecrime and eyelashes that tickle your forehead.

ALEXANDER MCQUEEN probs made this dress from heaven and sent it down. He also then whopped a $8000 price tag on it. In fairness, postage woulda been killa from where he is now.

Brazilian swimwear designer ROSA CHA is my favourite of all favourites. I have been pining for one of her insane swimsuits for years. Look at this one! Imagine this on tanned skin ... correction, on MY tanned skin, lying on the beach with a mad mani to match! And then for sun downers, you could slip on a pair of worn high waisted Levi's, some big ass gold hoops and a cocktail. Bloody hell. Winter hasn't even started and I'm imagining my new summer wardrobe.

This increddy creation is by Dame VIVIENNE WESTWOOD and at first it threw me ... it kinda looks like a strippers idea of class. But then I vetoed the perspex platform heels, and imagined it with opaque white tights, monochrome lace up booties, red glossy luscious lips, a black leather biker jacket...and then the cherry on the couture...a mad quiff in the hair. Gwen Stefani much?

I fucking love MATTHEW WILLIAMSON. The man is not afraid of colour...not one little bit. When Donna Karen and clan were sending beige potato sacks down the runway, this St Martins graduate was embracing fluorescent pink. THEN he delivers these beauty's. This shoe should be worn with...nothing. And you should be flat on your back, with your hair around your face and a saucy smile on your dial.

I heart MOSCHINO. That is all.

Now...drum roll please...check out this frikkin clutch bag by JUDITH LEIBER! Oh sweet Jesus. It's only like 9 grand. I'm sure I have that lying down the side of the couch somewhere. haha, the ironic thing is, is that if I owned this magnificent item, I'd be teaming it with ripped jeans, a black bustier and gold metallic trainers. Whats the problem?

Now all I need is a Diplo lookalike, with Johnny Depp's soul, David Beckhams bank account and Jesus's abs. Imma marry him wearing the Vivienne Westwood outfit.

It's great to dream eh girls? xx

'The Obnoxious Owl Experience' - Week Two

It's been a bit of a hectic week to be honest. Shits been going down in my hometown South Africa (stay tuned for an entire post dedicated to that...Owl's gonna get real) and even though I've been pretty busy with work and recreation, it's been on my mind the entire time. Anyhow...here it is...my week in pics.

Sooooooooo it was Easter. And I was on a fooking diet - which meant nada chocolate bunnies and hot cross sex buns - which is only like my most favourite bun! Therefore I requested that the bunny is not to deliver any confectionery this year. I DID however receive this bad boy from my staff...

Yes. Yes that is a chocolate Mr Potato head WITH detachable body parts. There is no temptation to tuck into this as it blatantly needs to stay in the box and look rad, innit? Said diet has kinda driven me into a bit of a spending spree (which is bad bad bad, because I leave for the UK in 8 weeks for Glastonbury and I also don't really need anything) HOWEVER...lookie at this silver bag I picked up for 2 dolla from CottonOn...

Voila! A cassette decorated goon bag! You could also probs roast a chicken in it too. I mainly use it for work to lug around my HUGE A4 diary and other such 'tings.

Now I am a self proclaimed Nike girl, Air Max to be specific (I like the elevation) but Dee from Winifred & Bance sent me a Facebook message informing me that she just got a 1980's Adidas Trackie Top in that was 'so me' (it's garish and obnoxious - she has a point) so obvs I had to buy it. I am not one to go around mixing brands so I needed some kicks to go with it, thus forcing me to cop these babies...

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Truth be told, I think I used the top as an excuse 'cause I've kinda had my eye on these for a while. That retro Adidas jacket would look waaaay better with heels and hoop earrings anyway. What's a girl to do? I'll tell you what's she to do, she's to impulse purchase THESE beauty's...

Oh God. Tell me you ain't salivating right about now. I picked them up thinking they'd be about $400 but they were just a measly 170 bucks! That's like nothing! OK OK, I shouldn't be spending when I have an international trip on the horizon but imagine me hanging out with Kate Moss at Glasto wearing these fuckers! Exactly. It's an investment.

In other news - I dyed my hair black this week and had another fringe trim. I went all edgy and had it cut on a slant like so...

I have had more fringe trims in my life than I've had hot showers. Because basically, I've had the same 'effin hair cut since I was 5 years old. Exhibit A...

Jesus. I already had the 'myspace face' mastered at that age! But see? Same hair! Hey man, if it ain't broke, you know the rest.

So new hair, new clothes and a trimmer figure (the diet paid off 'cause I lost 9kg's! kaaaching!) I took my ass out on Saturday and landed up at a house party in the city. Ran into a few lad's from Last Chance and ended up getting tagged by one of their Danish mates. Nice choice of colour bruv!

It says 'NAME' 'cause that what he writes. I think it's kinda clever. It would have been more exciting if the pen used was of the more fleshier variety *sigh* Whatevs.

I woke up Sunday morning, cleaned my chest and headed out with the fam to Perth Zoo for my sisters birthday. Highlight of the day was the elephants having a bath...

(Errr..this picture doesn't really show much)...and lunch at JUS BURGERS afterwards (yes for those in the know, it is a Sowf Efrican restaurant) where I wolfed down a Chicken Pesto Mozzarella food angel...

Sozz diet :(

Not only are their burgers arguably the best in Perth but they had a nice wall for me to look at to!

Well that's about it really. This post is probs about an 11 out of 10 for narcissism, but I ain't gonna lie, I LOVE checking out other peeps photos, so I'm sure someone will find pleasure in these. Or at least it'll take up 2 minutes of your life while you're waiting for the kettle to boil. Speaking of which - Imma go have a brew right now.

So God bless and good night owlettes x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 3

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE RE ARRANGING YOUR BALLS - Could you stop doing that in public please? How would you like it if we went around sticking our hands down our trousers in front of you? Actually never mind, you would love that.

MAKE YOUR LADY A MIXED TAPE - Like in the good 'ol days. Except this time round it'll be a CD. It's not gay, it's sweet.

YOU DO NOT ALWAYS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF FIGHT TO PROVE YOUR MANLINESS - Seriously, that dude spilt his beer on you by accident. Do you really think he would spend $8 on a beer and then pour it all over you when he could have just stuck to water? When it is crowded people bump into each other. Sure it's annoying but it's even more annoying when some fuckwit makes the whole situation about him and throws all his toys out the cot. Keep it together man.

IT IS COMMON COURTESY THAT YOU LIE IN THE WET PATCH - It's part of you anyway! Then again, I'll lie in it if I want to show how much you mean to me, but don't count on it.

IT'S OK TO CRY DURING A SAD MOVIE - It's only human.

THROWING GIRLY LITTLE TANTRUMS IS NOT SEXY HONEY - Get angry, sure, but sulking and going all 'moody' on us just makes us want to vomit.

DO NOT TRY TO SEND US MMS PICTURES OF YOUR MANHOOD - You really are the only one who thinks it is the most spectacular thing ever. If you love it that much, instead of sending us pictures of you squeezing the base in order to make it appear larger, why don't you go knit it a little hat?

AVOID WHITE LEATHER DRESS SHOES - The only time these are acceptable are if you are in the Navy. Otherwise the only other time is...wait...no no, there is no other time.

We love you x