Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-cing

YOU DON'T WANNA BE BRINGING OUT ALL YOUR TRICKS THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE SEX - Easy does it tiger. Why watch the whole show if all the good things happen in the beginning?

TOTES LOOK INTO SOME KIND OF 'FEM FRESH' PRODUCT DURING YOUR PERIOD - Why do you even have to be told to sort your life out during these fuck show days? And remember, if you think you're finished...you probs aren't. Give it another day before you get back to your normal daily activities.

DON'T CALL SOMEONE WHO IS WAY OLDER THAN YOU 'MATE' OR 'DARLING' - I seriously wouldn't blame them if they pistol whipped you hey. I mean fuck, I want to punch those little teens who try to act all pal pal with me. Prolly 'cause I'm jealous of their youth and vitality. But mainly 'cause it's irritating.

DRINK THAT WHOLE BOTTLE OF RED - It's good for you.

DO NOT SEND 'THAT' MESSAGE - i.e. 'Why haven't I heard from you?' or 'Why don't you want to speak to me?' or 'Have you been getting all my messages?' CRINGE! Stop ruining your life. If he likes you it means he'll think about you which means he'll message you. Otherwise, let it be. Face facts. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with him either. Some things just don't happen. Welcome to life.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-huit

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF 'CROISSANT' - This is a tricky one. Because if you pronounce it as it's spelt when you're in Europe, you seem like an uneducated pleb. Pronounce it correctly here in Aus and you sound kinda wanky. I think it's a French word and should be pronounced as such...if you know how. 'cause if you KNOW how to say it, you should, but if others don't and you correct them, you sound like a wanker. Do I make the sense?

JUST BECAUSE A GIRL HAS A PIXIE HAIRCUT ALA TEAGAN AND SARA, DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A LEZZA - It just means she looks like one.

DO NOT SQUEEZE YOUR SPOTS WITH DIRTY HANDS - Geez louise. It's your fucking face dude! Go easy on it! I asked my friend over the weekend what she would rather have, a pretty face or a banging bod? Without hesitation she said, 'A pretty face for sure! What would you rather wake up to?!' - nuff said.

IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE SHIT AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE A MONSTER STARING BACK, TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE... - And have a look around you. Yup. There are millions who are way uglier than you are. Take strength in that.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN EATING HUMMUS AND CRACKERS FOR DINNER - Throw in a glass of red and you are positively chic.

IF YOU MUST STARE, THEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO LOOK AWAY WHEN THEY CATCH YOU - Unless it's a boy and he is hot...just give a coy smile and THEN look away. But for the love of God, don't just keep on dead pan staring you fucking weirdo. Also, if you are sitting in your friends room while she gets dressed, read a magazine or something, just don't bloody stare like a freakazoid. Same goes for watching people eat. Talk about social retardation.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT SOME POINT HAVE SAID SOMETHING UNFLATTERING ABOUT YOU - Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

God, we're all slightly fucked up innit? Where do you think I get my material from?! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-cing

IF YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON SOMETHING SPECTACULAR JUST GO AHEAD AND BUY THE DAMN THING - Because these talented designers end up doing silly things like topping themselves and then that precious item will be even further out of your reach. Lee McQueen, you stupid muppet, we bloody loved you. We will wear our skull scarves with pride. Dress those angels in your bad ass creations.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU MAKE THOSE DRUNKEN/HIGH DINNER PLANS 'Oh I love you, we should do dinner in the week' AND THEN YOU NEVER DO IT? WELL, YOU SHOULD. -Because you end up having a great time and it puts a sparkle into an otherwise beige week.

PEPSI MAX IN THE ONLY SOFT DRINK OF CHOICE - I am currently experiencing an addiction.

IF THE WINE YOU ARE PURCHASING HAS A PICTURE OF FISH AND CHIPS ON THE LABEL, YOU ARE MAKING A BAD CHOICE - In an ideal world it would mean that it goes well with fish and chips, but in reality it actually means it would probs be better ON the fucker.

YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER ENJOY YOUR SENSE OF STYLE - For example, my mum said to me yesterday 'Why do you wear converse with such a pretty floral dress? A pair of sandals would be better' - thanks for that Mum. Just go with it.

Today is a sad day for fashion :(

THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE...2

ALL OF THESE COMBINATIONS....

- bacon and eggs

- porn and sex

- champagne and blood orange juice

- coffee and donuts

- Soulwax and anybody else

- obnoxious and owl

- Kate Moss and Jamie Hince

- red/purple, pale blue/red, marle grey/neon pink

- the beach and a hangover

- red wine and chocolate

- Marc Jacobs and fabric

- Nike and leather

- Converse and Canvas

- summer and boys *sigh*

Whats yours??

THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE...1

Passing your driving test. The sense of accomplishment is magnificent.

When you buy a chocolate bar from a vending machine and the sucker shoots 2 of them out by accident OR even better, when some dickhead has left their change behind.

Listening to a song that you haven't heard in ages...like what just happened to me now, Halo by Bloc Party. What a wonderful thing music is.

When you see your ex and you look smoking hot and he has a receding hairline.

Finding 10 bucks in your pocket. That shit never gets old.

When you weigh yourself and you haven't picked up a single kilo, in fact you have lost some weight even though you gorged on McDonald's the day before and feel gastronomically violated.

That song 'Domino's' by The Big Pink. It's God damn amazing.

Hotel room sex - where inhibitions go to die.

Bacon sandwiches the morning after a big night. Has to be soft white bread, not toasted with loads of red sauce. This is the Obnoxious Owl hangover cure.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 5

FOR BOYS ONLY

CHILL OUT ON THE HOMOPHOBIA - It ain't sexy honey. What do you think these gay guys are going to do to you exactly? Hold you down and take your bum hole virginity whilst singing a Cher number into your ear all whilst wearing pink skinny jeans? Listen my dears, half of them can't even hold down their eyelash curlers, let alone hold you down. Straight boys getting freaked out by their homosexual counterparts just makes me want to yawn these days. They are GAY, just leave them the hell alone and stop hating. What makes me laugh even more is that most of the 'alleged' straight dudes dress and act more feminine than Elton John at a tea party. Don't stress about the gay boys sugar, they wont bite...unless you want them to.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, BUY US TEA TOWELS OR BLENDERS AS PRESENTS - It's so frikkin sexy it makes us moist in our knickers. Not.

DO NOT BITCH AND GOSSIP ABOUT CHICKS - Leave that to us. There is something terribly off putting about a guy getting involved in female politics. It's all bull shit anyway, so keep your nose out and just stand there and look pretty OK? I'm kidding! Or am I ...

WOULD YOU KINDLY USE THE TOILET BEFORE COMING TO BED WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING - Hands up ladies who have had their men piss the bed after a night of boozing? Other things include in the cupboard, in their shoes...even on US - and not in a good way, I might add.

WE REALLY LOVE IT WHEN YOU COOK US DINNER - Even if you can't cook...try. You can buy those pasta sauces in jars these days - they aren't great, but they'll do, boil some linguine, mix in the sauce, sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top. Set the table with some flowers, get a good bottle of wine - splash out and spend more than 20 bucks on it and put 'Kings of Convenience' on the stereo. Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy. We'll just love it that you made the effort. If you do all of this, and she is a miserable cow about it I THEN give you permission to piss the bed.

God speed fella's x