Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-deux

IF YOU ARE FEELING PARANOID AND SAD, THE WORST THING EVER IS TO GO ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - Oh dear God.  Every single status update, tweet or general comment will be about you.  Well...at least in your head it will be.  You'll wonder why somebody did or didn't like your status. You will wonder how the person you haven't spoken to in 4 years and now lives in Brazil knows about your 'situation' when clearly their status update is about you. UNREASONABLE ASSUMPTIONS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.  Switch off the laptop, put a mindless DVD on and go to bed.

IT SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD - Er....no, not that.  I'm talking about relationships here. It really shouldn't be such a fuck show...unless you're well...fucking!  But having these long God damn drawn out 'talks' about where shit is going and giving things '6 months' or won't live together until you're 'ready' is just ridiculous.  How the hell do you know when you're ready?  Someone calls out your ticket number?  Choosing a partner is not like family members you know, you actually have a choice in the matter.  Consider the percentages of how often you are happy vs sad or content vs angry.  It's not rocket science.

DRINK WATER - You will pee a lot, but your skin will look like the untouched buttocks of a newborn baby.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?! - Girls like sex!  Yup. True story.  They're not even a slut if they do.  They also sometimes write about it for a) humor and b) because it's real life.  It does not warrant every Tom, Dickhead and Harry to try and get them to say rude things so they can have a little wank about it later.  Got that?   Only genuine mature souls need apply.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE FINISHED YOUR PERIOD? - You probs haven't so don't have sex. It will be embarrassing and you know it. The dregs is kinda like the wasps nest you don't wanna disturb...if you know what I mean?  Sorry if this is grossing you out boys, but I'm doing this for YOU.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON IF YOU CAN'T STAND A CHILD - They will probably grow up to be an asshole of an adult anyway, so maybe put your dislike on lay by if you are really feeling that bad about it. But seriously, some kids need to recognize hey...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-dix-huit

PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK ARE WEIRD - I mean, yeah...talk to them and stuff, but don't make eye contact.

DO NOT TEXT/FACEBOOK/TWEET DURING A MOVIE - You should get a life...they're nice.

FURTHERMORE, IT'S RUDE TO DO THOSE THINGS DURING DINNER...ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S JUST TWO OF YOU - Hey man, I'm all for social networking, but for fucks sake if one thing does not go out of fashion, it's manners.

THERE IS BEING A FOOD ECCENTRIC, THEN THERE IS BEING A FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKER - Like not liking olives or anchovies is pretty popular, that's cool.  Ordering a burger with no tomato or not enjoying red meat is all fine. But then only liking mushrooms if they cut up real small, or taking your own food to a dinner party and asking them to warm it up is just plain wack. Sort yourself out.

HIRING LIMOS ARE TACKIER THAN A THEMED WEDDING - Don't even get me STARTED on hummer limos.

A PHONE CALL AFTER 10PM ON THE WEEKEND, OR ANY NIGHT ACTUALLY, BUT MAINLY THE WEEKEND, MEANS THAT HE THINKS THE USELESS PIECE OF SKIN AROUND YOUR PUSSY IS YOU - Unless of course you already know this and you don't mind then by all means, take that call.

IT'S TOTALLY OK TO NOT BE AN ANIMAL PERSON - It's not cool to be cruel though. Fuck I ain't no dog whisperer, but I know not to blow in their faces.

WHEN LIFE IS TAKING A DUMP ON YOUR HEAD, REMEMBER: WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE - Then smile.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-deux

IF YOU ARE A DRIVER WOULD YOU INDICATE PLEASE - For fucks sake, are you tryna kill me?

MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF TOILET PAPER ARE REMOVED BEFORE SEXY TIME - That shit will stay with you. It is something that will DEFINITELY come up during boy talk. Don't put a bulls eye on your forehead.

TRY AND AVOID GETTING INTO A BRAGGING PING PONG MATCH - You know what I mean...some bitch starts telling you how much she paid for her LV handbag, how big her boyfriends dick is or how if she doesn't have anything to wear she just 'makes something'. Oh God. I seriously wanna round house kick these ho's in the face! And then after that I wanna kick MYSELF in the face because I find that I end up taking the bait. I just can't fucking help it! You wanna try and bring the bitch down to size so you end up competing and therefore hating yourself for it because you know you're being an off the Richter scale lamo. Just nod and stroke the insecure cow's ego (hardly any of what she is saying is true anyway) or compete with, 'Oh really? Well my bf's dick ain't as big as that so I find myself regularly indulging in some gang bang action with my local high school football team'. She'll get the drift. Competing over dumbass things like this is a bit like the special Olympics....even if you win, you're still retarded.

PLEASE DON'T LOAD YOUR BORING ASS PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK - Hmm, I'm probs the last to talk here...but read my blog banner. Exactly. ANYWAY, nobody actually gives a shit that you got a new washing machine. Believe.

QUIT SAYING YOU'RE 'TIRED' - It's almost like people can't help themselves. They ain't even tired! It's a bit tough getting the 'ol 8 hour shut eye shit, I'll give you that' but J.H. Christ...you're like 21 or some shit! How can you be tired!? Stop stuffing that processed golden arched 'food' down your throat and try getting some sun from time to time. Just hold up on your fucking whinging.

DROP OLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY A LINE ONCE IN A WHILE - Just take some timeout to show the people that mean alot to you just how much. You know how good it feels when someone does it to you innit?

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