Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-deux

IF YOU ARE A DRIVER WOULD YOU INDICATE PLEASE - For fucks sake, are you tryna kill me?

MAKE SURE ALL TRACES OF TOILET PAPER ARE REMOVED BEFORE SEXY TIME - That shit will stay with you. It is something that will DEFINITELY come up during boy talk. Don't put a bulls eye on your forehead.

TRY AND AVOID GETTING INTO A BRAGGING PING PONG MATCH - You know what I mean...some bitch starts telling you how much she paid for her LV handbag, how big her boyfriends dick is or how if she doesn't have anything to wear she just 'makes something'. Oh God. I seriously wanna round house kick these ho's in the face! And then after that I wanna kick MYSELF in the face because I find that I end up taking the bait. I just can't fucking help it! You wanna try and bring the bitch down to size so you end up competing and therefore hating yourself for it because you know you're being an off the Richter scale lamo. Just nod and stroke the insecure cow's ego (hardly any of what she is saying is true anyway) or compete with, 'Oh really? Well my bf's dick ain't as big as that so I find myself regularly indulging in some gang bang action with my local high school football team'. She'll get the drift. Competing over dumbass things like this is a bit like the special Olympics....even if you win, you're still retarded.

PLEASE DON'T LOAD YOUR BORING ASS PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK - Hmm, I'm probs the last to talk here...but read my blog banner. Exactly. ANYWAY, nobody actually gives a shit that you got a new washing machine. Believe.

QUIT SAYING YOU'RE 'TIRED' - It's almost like people can't help themselves. They ain't even tired! It's a bit tough getting the 'ol 8 hour shut eye shit, I'll give you that' but J.H. Christ...you're like 21 or some shit! How can you be tired!? Stop stuffing that processed golden arched 'food' down your throat and try getting some sun from time to time. Just hold up on your fucking whinging.

DROP OLD FRIENDS AND FAMILY A LINE ONCE IN A WHILE - Just take some timeout to show the people that mean alot to you just how much. You know how good it feels when someone does it to you innit?

Spread the love people x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Single to Mingle

I'm 28 years old and give or take a few hit and misses, I have been single for 3 years. These are my views...

SEX - I'm not only starting this post with this topic because I am the Owl - (we use caps for the Owl now - fyi) - I am starting with sex because it is the number one pro of being attached. The whole 'sex-on-tap' thing is definitely something to take into consideration when considering a relationship. But then, if you were offered a box of Cadbury's dairy milk - would you want a selection of little chocolate trinkets filled with a multitude of mystery gooey centres, or a box filled with just the caramel barrels? Everyone likes a caramel barrel, so you know what you're getting and you will almost always be satisfied. But the box of randoms is fun! OK, SOMETIMES you will bite into a dark chocolate orange or coffee one, and it may leave a bitter taste in your mouth (remember - some people like those) but think of that blissful moment when your mouth is filled with a creamy delight? (innuendo not intended). Problem is, those fuckers have taken out all the caramel barrels and left the coffee ones. My point is, invest in a dildo.

IT CAN BE LONELY - When you are single for a lengthy period of time, you become pretty self sufficient. This is not a bad thing. However, it can throw out vibes that you never need anyone, so sometimes, you may feel a little lonely. You are not feeling lonely because you are alone. You are feeling lonely because you appear strong and independent, therefore people tend to not pander to you because you appear not to need them to. So, open.your.mouth and holla at your people and tell them you need a bit of company. Don't end up building this protective 'I love being single and I don't need anybody' shield around yourself - mainly because there is a ring of truth to the whole 'no man is an island' thing, but also, if you are open to the thought of a relationship, you may be giving out the wrong signal to a prospective mate, everyone likes to feel needed.

THE PRO'S (and cons) TO BEING SINGLE:

You get to have the entire bed to yourself, plus you can switch off the light whenever you want, but there is no one to have morning sex with.

You don't look like a lame ass because your profile on facebook is not one of you AND your man. Um, there is no con. This is lame beyond fucking belief. Never give up your individuality.

You don't end up having an argument at music festivals and end up making it awkward for everyone around you. You do however, have someone who has the responsibility to go to the toilet with you and buy you drinks.

You don't have a million family functions you have to attend. One set of parents in enough thanks.

You don't have the entire universe asking you the dreaded 'When are you getting married?' question. Dickheads even ask ME that fucking question. Um...I'm single you boneheads, when are you gonna get a life?

YOU GET TO WORK ON THE PERSON THAT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE - See, the thing is my owlettes. I'm not a bitter single, in fact, I think I may even want a boyfriend...eventually. I just think that it is important to be on your way to achieving all your personal goals and your self esteem vats to be pretty full before you put yourself in a partnership. This will help to avoid the boneheads who cash in on low self esteem and forcing you not to just settle for the first dildo/bank account/hot water bottle with a pulse. It's slim pickings out there my darlings. You are basically picking someone to be a witness to the movie that is your life. You don't want someone falling asleep or leaving halfway through.

This all being said, I wouldn't say no to a Johnny Depp lookalike with abs like Jesus.

Be sexy. Be happy x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-quatre

WHEN PURCHASING A NEW CAR, TRY TO STEER AWAY FROM THE COLOUR BLACK - It may look sexy to start with, but the bastard shows every conceivable bump, fingerprint and scratch. Ya need stamina for the ebony hue.

IF YOU ARE EVER CHOSEN TO DANCE ON STAGE WITH THE BAND, KEEP THE SKANK MOVES FOR YOUR BOUDOIR - For example, some ho got on stage over the weekend and tried to get her freak on and ended up kicking herself in the face. Hilarious.

DO NOT DRINK AND TEXT - I'll let ya'll go through my sent box the morning after. That shit will put you right off.

FROM THE AGE OF 25 YOU WILL NEED TO START APPLYING A NECK CREAM - The neck is added to your hands and the skin around your eyes for the things that give away your age.

VODKA AND VITAMIN WATER OVER ICE IS A GREAT DRINK - It has relatively zero calories, it's sort of healthy and it's mighty refreshing. Plus it's pretty chic...let's be honest.

IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP, GET YOUR HAND DOWN SOUTH AND INDULGE IN SOME SELF LOVE MAKING - There is not a sleeping tablet that can compare.

Good night and God bless x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-deux

DON'T SHAVE BETWEEN BIKINI WAXES - Unless you are into self harm that is. Ladies, you will climb the walls if they slap hot wax onto your pubic bristles and yank that shit out. Just be patient and wait for your appointment. If you are desperate and I do mean 'About to have all frill sex with Johnny Depp' desperate then neaten up the sides and trip the bonnet. But even then I'm not even sure it's worth it.

THERE IS A VERY FINE LINE BETWEEN SAYING WHATS ON YOUR MIND, AND BEING DOWN RIGHT RUDE - Think before you speak in other words.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'THAT COLOUR IS TOO BRIGHT' - Too bright for whom exactly? All the beige people of the world? Exactly.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN DECIDING NOT TO DRINK FOR THE EVENING - There doesn't have to be a moral reason, if your driving that's a good reason but if you just don't feel like it, then don't do it. Peer pressure is sooo 1996.

HAVE A GOOD THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN. WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU. WHAT MAKES YOU TICK. WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE A STAND FOR. WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO PROJECT TO THE WORLD THAT SAYS WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT - Then do it. Just saying that you don't believe in God for example, and not knowing why, makes you look kinda naive. Read a newspaper, maybe learn what your government is trying to make a stand for. Don't get annoyed when others are seeming to 'take over' - it's not their fault that you aren't holding tight on any personal values or beliefs. You kinda made yourself an easy target.

RED LIPSTICK SUITS EVERYBODY - The trick is to find your perfect shade.

DON'T BE CRYING OVER ANY FOOL THAT WOULDN'T CRY OVER YOU - If he wants it he can put a fucking ring on it. innit.

Love your bums x

Art by: Miss Van