DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (3)

...you've just put in a fresh tampon and then like 5 minutes later you need the toilet? It's such a waste of those white cigars.

...when you meet a dude, and you start talking to him and he drops it into conversation after like 5 minutes that he has a girlfriend? Um, calm down honey...I only asked if that seat was taken.

...when you ask one of your girlfriends if you look fat or if your hair looks alright and they just keep saying you look amazing even though you know you don't? Seriously, just be honest and stop trying to be such a frikkin people pleaser.

...you are horribly hungover on a beautiful day? And you know what makes it EVEN worse? Going through your sent text messages from the night before...fuck.my.life.

...you have been having an ongoing flirtatious relationship with a male friend that you find incredibly attractive, and then, you finally have sex and it becomes awkward and the flirtation disappears? You needed to know what the sex would be like, but the thought of it was more exciting than the event? It's a double edged sword this mating game.

...those mother fucking wankers put those God awful photos of you on facebook? Like seriously, it's just downright mean and a form of cyber bullying. WHY did you have to put that photo of me just about to put a massive fork full of food in my mouth and then have the audacity to TAG the fucker and put a 'witty' (debatable) comment underneath it. This means war...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-huit

DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY - I swear to God this will make you want to kill yourself. Your weight fluctuates and sometimes you are holding more water than usual or you're body is holding onto some stored fat and is about to get rid of it so just once a week will suffice, and try to keep it to the same day. Once I hopped on the scale after a shower and nearly slit my wrists, but then I realised that I had wet hair and still had the towel wrapped around my head. This took off 2 kilos almost. True story.

IF THE DUDE YOU LIKE STARTS TELLING YOU HOW MANY BROADS HE HAS NAILED THEN RUN - Make your excuses and bail on the man whore. Unless you have a void that needs filling. If so, then please reference my Special Edition on One Night Stands.

TREAT THAT YEAST INFECTION - It ain't going anywhere until you do something about it. Various things can cause it...knickers that are still a little damp from the laundry, public swimming pools (major ew) and if you are partial to a little, um...'back door action' then NEVER let him put it in your lady box afterwards. You picking up what I'm putting down?

LOOK AFTER YOUR HANDS - They show your age. Use hand cream regularly, and especially generously before you go to bed. I like Clarins the best, or on a budget...Nivea for hands. And when you are out in the sun put sunscreen on the back of them. Seriously...look at Madonna...her face may be as smooth and taunt as a Brazilian soccer players ass which gives the illusion of her being a spring chicken...but have you seen her hands? Exactly. No botox can fix those bad boys and instead of spring chicken it resembles cooked turkey. Sort it out.

LISTEN TO 'IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE' - Preferably with an open mind.

IF YOU EVER RUN OUT OF COTTON WOOL, I FIND THAT A TAMPON PULLED APART CAN COME IN HANDY - Although, they ARE mega absorbent, so you may find that half the bottle of your make up remover may disappear. Also, with the little string hanging from it, it kinda looks like you are taking your make up off with a dead mouse. But hey, it IS in case of emergency and beggars can't be choosers.

You know it makes sense x