Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE DEFINITION OF 'BEIGE'

• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin - Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg...so yes, I guess you could get more boring.

• Having specific nights to do everything..i.e. Monday is laundry night, Tuesday we nip down the grocery store, Wednesday we have sex etc etc Get yourself a life...they're nice.

• Being a scenester and all looking the same, then going to a gig to be 'seen' on the 'scene' and just standing against the wall looking miserable in your over styled ensemble.

• French mani's...or worse...french pedi's! Who the hell wants brilliant white toe nail tips?! (cue attack)

• Missionary position - we've come a long way now people. Although, sometimes this can be just what the doctor ordered - so let's call this more of a 'tan' than a 'beige'.

• Those bloody magazines that have pictures of a celeb (usually Sienna Miller or someone from Gossip Girl) and then they tell you where to shop to get the exact same outfit 'on a budget' - oh my shattered nerves.

• Poland. (sorry Poland)

• Those 'built to plan' houses furnished with the same old shit from IKEA. Then everyone sits on their beige sofa (come now, we know it's gonna be beige), watching Australian Idol, eating dinner off their laps (chicken parma or spag boll with 'fake' Parmesan) and then off to their beige beds to have sex in the missionary position or not at all. This is my worst nightmare realised. (*NOTE: I enjoy IKEA - but we all know what I'm talking about here)

• Tattoo's that are like so fully symbolic with a squillion meanings and the person goes on and on about the different colours and how they thought about the design and how it didn't hurt at all until they got to the boney bit blah blah blah. Get over your beige selves.

• Decorating your bathroom with a 'nautical' feel and putting seashells everywhere. Oh God. It's been done.

• Facebook Status updates that say, 'It's raining! On a day like this all I want to do is snuggle in bed and watch DVDs' - oh wow! What a good idea! Nobody else ever thinks of that...so glad you gave us such a brilliant plan! Jesus, the beigness is blinding.

• Luke warm coffee. Why is it that I have to ask them to make it 'extra hot' these days? Luke warm ANYTHING is just not enjoyable.

• 'All Age' gigs. As a friend once said; watching a band without a drink in your hand is like having sex with your clothes on. It's OK. But it's not ideal.

• Skinny jeans. Vans. a Mo when it's not Movember. Flanno. Beanie (even in tropical weather). You're like so anti everything, yet you're like so mainstream. Like oh my gosh.

• 'Themed' parties. I'm so over them I couldn't BE more over them. Let's all make a 'beige' themed party and go as a slutty nurse or something.

• Finding the perfect 'shade' of paint for your IKEA house. Let's get real...you know you're just gonna choose beige.

• Toast with nothing on it.

• Telling me a long drawn out story about your child's bowel movements. Hey man, you chose that life - spare me the details.

Beige isn't a colour. It's a lifestyle choice.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (2)

...you are sitting in economy class on an aeroplane during a long haul flight and you are packed in tighter than a ducks asshole, and they show adverts for first class on your little tiny TV screen? Um...thanks for that. We didn't realise that first class meant that your chair could recline all the way back into a bed...oh and you can have a massage too? Oh wow, AND you get complimentary slippers and pyjamas? GEE WHIZZ, if we'd have known THAT we would have spent that extra $20 000! I never say this word but 'c*nts'.

...you wake up in the morning feeling pretty perky. You feel amazing in your outfit and you apply your make up like you never have before, you SWEAR everything just fell into place. Then you run into nobody, and nothing exciting happens during the entire. bloody. day? - what a frikkin waste.

...when it starts pissing it down as soon as you leave the hairdressers and your $100 haircut and blowdry is gone, and you are left looking like Diana Ross on crack?

...scene kids start to 'love' your favourite band? What the hell do they know?

...when you walk into a party or gathering and say a general 'hi' to everybody and nobody responds and just kinda gives you a half smile. And then they all watch you look for somewhere to sit and get comfortable and carry on with whatever boring, beige conversation they were having?

...when you give a friend a present that you spent alot of money on and knew she would like, and when she opens it in front of said crowd she doesnt get too excited and just kind of murmers her gratitude...um, you'll get poo wrapped in brown paper next time if you're not bloody careful.

Yes. I'm annoyed.