Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Take Grum's advice ... he has a girlfriend anyway!

The other day the young TC decided to increase my inbox count by a single digit by sending me an electronic mail. It was a brief and simple request that read along the lines of “Yo bitch, write me a blog post or I’ll slit your throat like a fish whilst you sleep”. Well, it was something like that. I don’t know. I may have been paraphrasing slightly. And by slightly I mean a lot and by paraphrasing, I may have meant “wildly bull-shitting”.  So the request was for me to write an advice column for the male readers of this blog. The request seemed simple enough until I realised that all the advice I could dispense would have been rendered absolutely useless by you lot. None of you want to know about the joys of efficiently compiling Linux distributions or my thoughts on the recent production of antimatter at the European Organization for Nuclear Research. Well, perhaps some of you. But chances are that you read Obnoxious Owl simply for the magnificent posts about relationships, sensible cosmetic use or filthy vag thrush.

I may not know much about the application of eye shadow (although hit me up for a killer guyliner tutorial) and my knowledge on vaginal thrush is limited to the collection of images I keep on the subject matter on my hard drive (I don’t think I’m allowed to post a 339 high resolution image slide-show on the topic) so I guess I’ll discuss relationships.  So guys, the below is for you - girls, go run away and do something else as the rest of this post is just for the men. No really, go away. No girls allowed. Oh come on, WOMEN STOP READING! Fuck off.

Gone?  Good.

Hey guys, with the women off making sandwiches, ironing, producing babies or whatever the hell they pass off as exciting entertainment, I'm here to give you four bits of advice from my past experience. Take this advice and treasure it. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been married once before so that proves that I know how to pick up chicks and shit like that.

ALL WOMEN HAVE DADDY ISSUES - no really, its pretty fucked up y’know. Its incestuous and not in the hot twin lesbian teen way. It’s a scientifically proven fact that 9 out of 10 women prefer men who are identical to their father (the 10th chick is probably a dyke). The best way to satisfy your lady friend is to find out where her parents live and watch them for a few weeks. Take as many notes as possible and don’t be afraid to film them so you can review the subjects later. Make sure you film their bedroom activities as well, that’s where all the good learnin’ happens.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT – once you’ve landed yourself a lady, you’re gonna have to try hard to make sure she doesn’t leave you for Steve, that douche canoe who works at the Calvin Klein counter in the city. Bastard thinks he’s so smug eh? With his fancy hair, cologne and shaved privates YEAH I LOOKED WHEN HE WAS AT THE URINAL BUT I SAID NO HOMO! Well I’m gonna wipe that smug look off his face with this rusty… uh, where was I? Oh right. Yes, you’re gonna have to make sure that your skill-set is diverse and well practiced. Practice on your girl’s best friends, they’re the prefect subject to ensure your skills in and out of the bedroom are second-to none. In most cases her best friends are almost interchangeable with your girl. They often have the same

likes, same mannerisms and if you’re lucky the same body shape so you can get them to test-drive that silky negligee that you’ve had you eye on in the latest Bras n’ Things catalogue you have stashed under your mattress for those lonely nights. In the unfortunate case that your partner doesn’t have friends with similar attributes to your chick, try practicing on her sister, mother, or in desperate times her effeminate brother.  No homo.

DON'T PUT IN ANY EFFORT TOWARDS YOUR OWN APPEARANCE - time after time guys always say the same thing to me: "she doesn't love me anymore because she thinks I've changed!". Unfortunately it all comes down to the same fact - you tried too hard to begin with. Dude I know how annoying as fuck it is to wake up every morning, shower, shave and put on clothes other than your favorite wife beater and trackies.

Why do we do this? To make the women think we're a lot better looking than we really are. As soon as we score a lady, we get lazy and they finally see us for the slobs that we are. So why not put in absolutely no effort at all - throw out your toothbrush and get just get out there! You won’t ever have to worry about “changing” because you’re already yourself! You'll feel more comfortable since you're not forced to wear those tight fag jeans that seem to be in fashion at the moment and because of this, you'll be on the top of your game and you'll find it much easier to keep the bitch. If all else fails, just get her stupidly drunk. Remember to switch from the fancy shit to house wine after 6 glasses, as she'll be too maggoted to notice the difference.

GIVR HER A REASON TO KEEP COMNG BACK - eventually the girl is going to get bored of you. You need to offer her something that she can't get from other men. So why not splash out and get cock enlargement surgery? If you're like me, those 4 inches aren’t anything special. It barely reaches the back of the throat let alone her pooper. For a couple of grand, quadruple the size of your man meat and she’ll be begging you every night to stuff her like the Christmas turkey.

If you're tight on cash, just give her herpes. She'll be forced to stay with you forever, as that shit doesn't go away. And before you judge me, think about it - women love ribbed condoms, so what's the harm with getting a few bumps on the side of your shaft? She'll love you all the same.

Well guys, I hope you all take my advice and do good with it.  If it doesn’t work, just hold up a St Vincent op shop (they rarely keep security cameras) and use the cash to buy yourself a slab of VB and take home of those skimpies from the sports bar. Don’t worry, they aren’t hard to score – just don’t look into their lifeless eyes or they’ll suck out your soul.

Grum is an internet guy from Perth, Western Australia.

You can find grum being @grum on Twitter and other places via thatgrumguy.com

I'm actually speechless. This never happens.  Owl x


Anonymous said...


WJ said...

This takes shit to a whole new level. I love it so hard :)

Obnoxious Owl said...

Grum is certainly next level haha