Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part vingt-dix-neuf

TUMBLR USERS... - Please stop saying 'mine is different 'cause all content is original'. Shut the fuck up. You don't need to ANNOUNCE or advertise what you are. Just be it. Originality is always obvious.

DRY SHAMPOO. - Know it. Use it. Love it. It's life changing.

DON'T BE A DESPERATE WHORE. - When a guy has 'bored' or 'I'm bored' or 'SO BOORRRED' as his status update, it means he is fishing for a little midnight snack in the shape of your pussy. Please do not be one of the 12 comments that says, 'me too' or 'same' or blah blah 'likes this'. We all know whats going on here!

WHEN IS TIME TO UNFOLLOW/DELETE? - a) When you are crushing on someone and you feel the need to investigate every girl they are chatting to. b) When you find yourself feeling tense and/or angry every time you see their feed and you practically have to cut your fingers off to stop yourself from typing a sarky/cunty remark. c) When they make you feel like an asshole. d) When THEY are an asshole.

WAKE HIM UP BY GOING DOWN ON HIM - He might return the favor.

GO TO BED EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY. PEOPLE WHO GET SHIT DONE ARE EARLY RISERS AND BREAKFAST EATERS. - Good Night x

Obnoxious Owl Tumblr 

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 29

FOR BOYS ONLY

PLEASE! RATHER JUST SAY NOTHING INSTEAD OF 'TAKE CARE' - This goes hand in hand with calling us 'mate'.  It's kind of the same feeling when you are into a girl and she tells you that you are like a brother to her.  Yeah. THAT fucking feeling.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE CLIT IS? - Like for real, do you?  Because according to recent studies (my girlfriends) 97% of you are still in struggle town.  Yeah I KNOW it's harder than it seems and we are a fickle lot but there is being a millimetre off to the right and then there is tenderly stroking our groin.  Here you go.

LENGTH IS NOT IMPORTANT - Girth is more our thang.  But if you weren't blessed with either, just fuck like it's massive.  She'll never know!  But also, if you are in fact massive don't pretend to be drunk just so you can get your cock out and everyone can go ,'Whoah dude you're huge' and don't think that your giant member makes you some kind of chick whisperer either...that attitude just makes you a big dick.

IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE JEWELRY WEARING KIND OF CHAP, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT OWN A JEWELRY BOX - I don't feel I need to elaborate on this.

IF YOU HATE GETTING LAID YOU SHOULD WEAR A BEANIE IN SUMMER - And sandals during winter.  It's not essential but it will definitely help.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-treize

USE THOSE EARTH BRAND PRODUCTS TO CLEAN YO CRIB - I never used to, but then that ad came on the telly where that bird is mopping the floor with an octopus and he looked so sad! I Google'd that shit, and it turns out that those super chemical heavy brands we use to clean our kitchens and bathrooms totally do major damage to the big pond when it all goes down the drain. This might go above some of your heads because you don't even buy cleaning products and YOU need to check yourself before you wreck yourself you dirty slag.

THE PERFECT HANDJOB - This section was inspired by 'Anon' who asked me how to give a good hand job.   Well my dearest Anonymous, I must applaud you for wanting to please your man. I hope he is out there somewhere asking what is the best way to flick your bean because otherwise the bonehead don't deserve you.  Firstly, no one knows how to give a better handjob than a man. Why?  Because they are all wankers. Literally. The only thing they are thinking when they are beating themselves off is, 'Man! Wouldn't it be handy if someone else was doing this for me?!' So yeah, make sure you are lying next to him and kind of wrap your hand around his pee pee as if he was holding it himself.  Hold it firm enough to get a grip but loose enough so not to hurt him...kind of like how you would hold a water balloon. Kinda. You need to start with slow long strides up and down...maybe massaging his balls with your other hand as you go. The big no no here is for it to be dry...you are not starting a fire so no friction. You can use some KY but if you are wanting to be a dirty little girl, a bit of spit goes a long way.  You have to build up pace and keep it consistent. Not stop start stop start...that's just frustrating for our lucky little man. If you have stamina and can keep up the pace it shouldn't be too long before they blow but if he is being a difficult bastard then give him the 'ol '2 hander' and maybe just wrap your mouth around the tip. Getting your tits out wouldn't hurt because boys sure do like dem visuals. And lastly, look as though you are enjoying it. I mean, I know it can be tedious but a look of boredom and no 'ooohs' and 'aaahs' is just not cricket. Asking him for a bit of guidance and a bit of 'do you like that baby?' won't go astray either.  God speed!

STOP TRYNA CLAIM WORDS AND PHRASES AND POP CULTURE WAYS OF SPELLING WORDS LIKE IT'S 'YOUR THING' - You are irritating and lame. And if you are over 25, you are slightly retarded as well.

I don't know where I get this shit.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 28

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE ARE MORE MANIPULATIVE THAN YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO IMAGINE - It all started when your mum told you that eating all your carrots will make you see in the dark. Or when she made 'choo choo' noises with your food and pretended the brussel sprout was a train and your mouth the tunnel.  Wherever you look, there is a female 'innocently' convincing you to do something. Some of you turn into cunts and become uber defiant and others doormats. My only advice is for you to know your enemy and pick your arguments.

DON'T OVER DO THE EMOTICONS IN YOUR TEXT MESSAGES - It is SUCH a clit killer dude. Like srsly. Also, if you want the text convo to become a sext convo, then build up to it. Don't be all Seedy Mcgee after just 3 messages.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SOME OF YOU ARE WEARING TOP KNOTS AND HANDBAGS BUT I HOPE IT FUCKING ENDS SOON. - That's all.

IF YOU CAN'T GET IT UP, ITS ACTUALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL - The cringe part is when you make a big deal out of it. It happens! Chill the fuck out. Lay back. Play with her pussy. Stop thinking about it so much. Don't let your brain have all the blood that your dick needs. Sometimes we fanny fart and sometimes you can't get a stiff breeze. It's Gods way of showing us we're only human.

PLEASE DON'T ORDER HOT CHOCOLATE WHEN YOU GO OUT FOR COFFEE WITH A GIRL - It is BEYOND lame. I know some people don't like coffee (its embarrassing) but please don't smear salt in the decaffeinated wounds by ordering hot chocolate. Order tea rather if you really can't handle the bean but hot chocolate drinkers who are dudes that hide behind calling it 'lets go out for coffee' probably listen to James Blunt and/or Coldplay.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-onze

NOBODY CARES THAT YOU DON'T HAVE FACEBOOK - Some will just think you are weird and others just get bored when you start to tell them that you 'miss bumping into your friends on the street' and over 'being friends with randoms' etc. Firstly, why only be friends with people on facebook whom you see every day? A bit fucking pointless if you ask me. Secondly, yes I know its a weird way in which to communicate but geez, don't you recks they woulda said the same thing when the telephone was invented? And then the cell phone? It's called progression. Don't wanna take part? Cool. But don't make a frikkin song and dance about it like you are some kind of exception to the rule or some shit.

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK - The world is totally unaware about those goals you have set yourself inside your head. The world is also clueless to the times that you don't meet said goals. It's important to never be complacent and to continuously strive to be thinner, cooler, cleverer, richer, any other 'er' that you may think is necessary, but remember that you are not a salmon.

BODY HAIR ON A CHICK IS NEVER OK - It's actually fucking gross.  Yeah yeah yeah, feminism bullshit about equality...whatever dude, if you get a tash, wax that shit.  If your knickers look like you are staging a Jackson 5 concert inside them, sort shit out. Hair removal separates us from the animals.

BLACK DICKS ARE NOT NECESSARILY LARGER THAN WHITE DICKS - This is the biggest urban legend of all time. I blame porn. The chicks on there are so full of shit.  They're always being like, 'oohhh, gimme your big black cock' and sure enough, home boys cock is pretty damn humongous.  But then of course it is! He is a porn star for Gods sake! I think black men have a reputation for having larger than life manhood because they walk with swagger and have that whole 'attitude' thing down, so you reckon they must be packing. But in reality, penis size really is luck of the draw and having a small penis is not necessarily restricted to one race or nationality. Unless you are Japanese. Or my last boyfriend. 

LISTENING TO THE BEATLES PUTS LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE - Let the simplicity of the lyrics say it all. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  

I am lost for words. Because she took them all.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-cing

BACK UP AND DOUBLE CHECK - I'm talking about insurance here people. This 'ere blog was deleted by a little SPAM 'c' word and I nearly had a heart attack. Not because of it disappearing, I mean, I can always start again, but more so because nothing I have ever written on here had been saved. God I'm a knob end. ANYWAY it' back now and I'm backing up. But the theme continues...ensure your expensive possessions, lock up your bike, lock your front door and take out private health. I'm not saying become a neurotic control freak, I'm just saying that storms are inevitable, and you should always be prepared.

IF YOUR FRIEND MAKES NO COMMENT ON YOUR OUTFIT, IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU LOOK BANGING - Insecurity in females will be the death of us. We have our own to deal with and to keep in line so it doesn't turn us into spiteful little bitches...you can't be worrying about others.

GET OFF YOUR PHONE !!! - Or at least pretend to be offline and give the illusion that you have a life.

IT'S KIND TO NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF HIM FAILING TO GET A HARD ON - Fuck man. They have it tough. They've been drinking and doing God knows what else and that really does affect their ability to become Iron Man.  Just be understanding and don't make a big deal about it. Give him a massage, touch yourself in front of him, get him to talk filth while you do it...help him to forget about it. It's the only way old mate Woody is gonna make an appearance. Failing that, maybe tie it to a stick like some people do to wilting plants? Just a suggestion.

RED WINE AFTER DRINKING SPIRITS AND/OR BEER WILL MAKE YOU THROW YOUR GUTS UP - FACT. I don't need to say much more on the subject.

THE MINUTE YOU FIND YOURSELF BECOMING THE PERSON YOU HATE AROUND SOMEBODY, GET RID - Do you usually have your shit together but around certain boys you feel needy and anxious? He ain't good for you honey.  Do you leave the company of some girls feeling like a dirty gossip mouth and on a one way ticket no stop over to Hell? Pick a new crowd.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingts

STOP GOING OUT WITH WET HAIR! - You will catch pneumonia and die. Also, you look 'unkept' and 'pedestrian' ... which is worse than dying.

DO NOT SHAVE BETWEEN WAXING - Unless of course you hate yourself.

APPARENTLY, BOYS KNOW ABOUT 'BOOB SWEAT' - Like if you are bigger than a B Cup, and you sweat under dem titties.  I can't actually believe that a male brought this to my attention and that I should touch on it. So here I am...touching on it.  THIS is why I'm letting a few boys guest blog for me over the coming weeks...they obvs know more than we realize.  This is why we should kill them.

POLYESTER KNICKERS WILL GIVE YOU THRUSH - Yes that's yeast in your vagina baby. You are walking around with a hot box and it needs to breathe.  You don't want your genitals to be a science project. Ew...genitals is such a gross word.

HATERS ARE GONNA HATE, LET THEM! - Spend less time worrying about those that hate you and invest more time into those that don't. Keep good people close and the rest don't matter sugar. Say it with me, 'Love you haters!'

"IS IT IN YET?" - It's just not a nice thing to say. You might just have a wide set vagina. Also, don't ever say, 'Where is it?' 'cause it might just be caught in the little flap in their Y fronts...ehrm.

BEETROOT, ROCKET AND FETA SALAD - It's the future.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 22

IF A WOMAN DEMANDS SOME KIND OF 30 THOUSAND DOLLAR ENGAGEMENT RING, IT MEANS SHE NEEDS CONFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER - And you probably aren't ready to get married. I mean fuck, if you are in love then a mood ring would do...ya get me?

JUST BECAUSE YOU GO FOR A COUPLE OF NICE MEALS AT A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU ONLY DRINK GREY GOOSE VODKA DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE TOP CLASS - There are probably more families living in the slums of Bombay or in a shanty town in Khayalitsha that have more class than some footballers and their wives.  Class comes from within.  You can throw a nice suit on an asshole but his true colours will always come through. Like throwing cement on top of weeds.

AGAIN I HAVE TO SAY, STOP SENDING PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS - They are actually pretty weird looking.  We prefer to feel them, not see them.  But thanks for the visual.

MAN, IT'S SO SEXY WHEN YOU SULK! - Not.

IT'S KINDA SEXY WHEN YOU CATCH OUR EYE IN TRAFFIC - The other day, some dude did mock fellatio on a banana at me on the freeway. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda liked it.

WHEN GIRLS GET PRETEND OFFENDED WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEIR TITS INSTEAD OF THEIR FACE, IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT THEY ARE A FLOOZY -  They actually secretly love it.  But I get the feeling most of you already knew that.

obnoxiousowl@gmail.com - special email account for penis photos x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 21

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF A GIRL TALKS ABOUT HER PERIOD OR FARTS IN FRONT OF YOU, SHE PROBS ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS - This does not apply to long term relationships obvs...those people do loads of wack shit in front of each other.  No chick will do that stuff in front of a dude she is crushing on.

DON'T LOOK FOR COMPLIMENTS - You know how you find it amusing/irritating/off putting when girls do it? Ditto.

STOP GETTING INTO FIGHTS - Fuck it's annoying. ESPECIALLY when it didn't even concern you in the first place, but you just HAD to 'jump in' to 'help' a friend.  Boys who love drama and scenes SO need to be voted off the island.

THE TINIEST AMOUNT OF JEALOUSY CAN BE A TURN ON - Just a smidge. However. I will confirm right here and now for you fellas that girls definitely do try to make you jealous on purpose...usually with someone you know, but not always.  But the way to counter it, is to pretend not to notice.  It will drive her up the wall and she will let you drive one up her later.

PLEASE DON'T SULK - For the love of GOD.  It might have worked with Mummy, but it ain't gonna work here sunshine.

DO NOT SEX YOUR BUDDY'S SISTER - It's not like you are in love. It's lust. And it's selfish.  Don't think you can keep it under your hat either, because this crap ALWAYS gets out.  You stand to potentially lose a pretty good friendship over your wondering penis.  Don't shit where you eat basically.

WASH YOUR SHEETS - It should be fortnightly, but I'm a realist, so I guess monthly...at a push.  And ALWAYS wash them after a one night stand.  If you can't be bothered, at least lay down newspaper before you get your freak on.

Dirty dogs x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-neuf

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read more »

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 17

FOR BOYS ONLY

GIRLS STILL STUFF THEIR BRAS - You know how to tell? The spillage is more that whats in the glass...ya get me?

WE LOVE IT WHEN YOU SULK - It makes us wanna give you wristies tillz we get pins and needles. Not.

LOSE THE MAN BAG - First vomit on it, THEN lose it.

IT'S NOT COOL TO JUST GO FOR THE VAGINA WITHIN 5 SECONDS OF MAKING OUT - The trick is to make her beg. Didn't your father teach you anything?

*WE CAN SQUIRT, IT'S TRUE - But not on demand. You need to know what you are doing. Sozz.

HONESTLY? SIZE DOES KINDA MATTER - But 99% of the time it's fine. Just act like your cock is massive no matter what...because really, what else can you do?

MOST TIMES, YOU WILL LOOK WAY HOTTER IF YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD - No wait...that's just my fetish. Whatevs, just make sure you have a nice looking head first.

*Some girls can totally squirt on demand. They are rare and they are freaks. If you find one, you got the golden ticket to Wonka's factory.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 15

FOR BOYS ONLY

NO WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR 'SCHLONG' - And stop calling it 'schlong', what is this? 1998? You will be hard pressed to find a girl that gets off just by looking at a penis...it takes more than that gentleman.

DON'T CHEAT - I know its hard, hell, I see what you guys have to put up with on a daily basis...chicks are hot. And your poor little penis brain can't handle all the stimulation and it needs to be released. Take it out on your girl...she'll appreciate it. Just don't cheat, OK?

WHITE LEATHER BELTS WITH 'IRONIC' BELT BUCKLES MAKE YOU NOT SHAG WORTHY - They kinda never did.

ON THE FIRST DATE, SHE SHOULD OFFER TO PAY - But you should decline. If she doesn't at least offer, or make fake advances for her wallet, then she will have your balls in vice if the relationship ever progresses. Unless of course you want a mindless bimbo, but I am an ambassador for modern, intelligent females.

WE DON'T NEED IT BROUGHT TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THE GIRL WHO JUST WALKED PAST US HAS AMAZING TITS/LEGS - We know you looked anyway, and we understand. We don't need the commentary. Keep it subtle you douche bag.

DO NOT USE FAKE TAN - If I have to tell you why, then you are all ready to far gone and the case is hopeless.

IF A CUTE GIRL OFFERS TO BUY YOU A DRINK WHEN YOU'RE OUT, ACCEPT IT - Even if you aren't keen, just have a drink with her and be nice. This is not an opportunity to be a sleaze bucket, it's an opportunity to meet someone new, who may possibly be cool and you will feel flattered at the offer and she'll feel flattered that you accepted. It's win win.

OWL'S SOFA: Born to ride

"Dear Owl,

So me and my flatmate were trawling your sweet as blog instead of doing uni work... We have a question for you. We have had yarns recently about girl-on-top and frankly, neither of us feel that comfortable with it. I feel gammy just getting on top in the first place, and my flatmate reckons it does nothing for her - except show off her wobbly bits. Any advice to help us conquer our fears??

p.s. I love opening up my google reader to see that there are Obnoxious Owl posts to devour - you are the shizz. Chur!"

Firstly, lets take a moment to reflect on home girl above. Dang! You know that SHE is riding fella like it's for sale and rent is due. Anyway, back to the matter at hand...

Look girls, I don't really know what your problem is hey... I get the whole feeling vulnerable thing 'cause he is getting a good view of all your full frontal glory, but seriously? I doubt he even notices any flaws because he is to busy concentrating on your tits and not blowing too early. Being on top gives you full control of pace, depth and motion - basically no excuse for not getting your rocks off.

By no means am I some kind of blogging porn star, but I am a lady, and a lady that doesn't mind being queen of the castle so I'll tell you what I think works...

• Just because you are in the drivers seat, doesn't mean you have to do all the work while old mate lays back with his hands behind his head. Get him to hold your hips and help out with the gyration. You are on top. It's all about you. Not him.
• I think tilting slightly forward with your hands resting on his shoulders or on either side of his chest helps you to keep balance and rhythm. He also gets less of an eye full, so this is good if you are having a fat day.
• Mabes pull his shoulders towards you so you are both kinda sitting in the upright position. Or better yet, spin around and hold onto his ankles. Trust me, you look great from behind.

I think the issue here, is that when you are up on the saddle, all eyes are on you and a bit of a performance needs to take place, which can make a girl feel somewhat self conscious and shy. When it comes to sex, for any of it to do anything for you, you need to feel relaxed and uninhibited. Because there is actually no physical reason why riding the pony should not get you off. Keep your top on, or wear a sexy negligee or some shit if you don't want him to see your soft tummy. But you may be shooting yourself in the sexual foot here because he totes wants to see your titties bounce. Come on ladies, it's sex! It's exactly like performance art! Hold your boobies, flick your hair, lean back and scream. They love that shit. Just don't get too carried away with over grinding, you don't want it to pop out of you and then you could end up bending his manhood. That will impress him alot less than your tummy or lack of breasts. Believe.

Just stop over thinking it and enjoy yourself ffs!

Love Owl x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-sept

JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK A BOY HOME, DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SEX HIM - It may have seemed like a good idea at the club but if in the cold light of your apartment/hotel room you decide you are no longer feeling it, you ain't obliged to do anything. Sure he'll be pissed...he'll get over it.

THE PHRASE 'I CAN CONVINCE YOU' - Is the line rapists probably use. Jus sayin.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER www.twitter.com/theobnoxiousowl - I can be mildly entertaining.

A LITTLE BIT OF LIME JUICE GOES WELL WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING - Espesh on mashed avocado on toast. Yummo.

GET RID OF THOSE INGROWN HAIRS IN YOUR PUBIC REGION - Or they will turn into a mini mountain of filth and pain. Get em while they're hot!

NOT ALL BLACK MEN ARE GREAT DANCERS - But most do have pretty big willy's. Enjoy!

MEN LIKE TO FEEL NEEDED - So putting out vibes that you don't need anybody could potentially be stopping you from finding your dreamboat. I'm not saying become needy, I'm saying put a little bit of a 'damsel in distress' vibe out there from time to time.

TAKE OUT TRAVEL INSURANCE - Because the one time that you don't, Guido in Mexico will be loving your knickers.

xx

ps...ask me anything on formspring (side bar) - I might answer.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 9

FOR BOYS ONLY

ALWAYS BEING BROKE IS NOT SEXY - Constantly having to spot you change for cigarettes, buying round after round and giving you 'lunch money' gets really boring and makes us feel like your mum. No matter how large your manhood is.

MEN DON'T HAVE TO BE THE ONES AROUND THE BBQ AND LADIES IN THE KITCHEN TALKING ABOUT HANDBAGS - It's the 21st God damn century for fucks sake.

THAT BEING SAID, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US WHO THE MAN IS IN THE BEDROOM - We like it.

PLEASE AIM FOR THE TOILET BOWL WHEN YOU ARE RELIEVING YOURSELVES - It's not so much the pee on the seat that is disgusting, but more the little puddle you leave on the floor.

DO NOT GET HIGHLIGHTS - OK, SOME girls enjoy little blonde flecks in their boys hair. But those girls have no business here. This is coming from me and my homegirls, and I'm telling ya...we don't dig. It's not so much the look that bothers me, but more the mental image of you sitting in a hairdressers chair, reading Cosmo, sipping a latte all with little foil parcels all over your head. Hmmm....not that arousing.

Owl loves boys x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS ... 'WHAT'S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?' - It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don't make us want to kill you. Just don't.

TRY NOT TO ROLL OVER IN THE MORNING AND PROD US IN THE BACK WITH YOUR MORNING GLORY - Seriously. Just ask instead of poking us in the back with your willy like you are all manly with your big stick stoking the fire.

CHOOSING TITS OVER SUBSTANCE WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS IN THE END - Those boobies will drop eventually, and when they do, you best hope she has more beer than foam going on in her head to keep you interested. And don't think that you can just go out and find some new tight ass, because a lot of things on you would have dropped by then as well.

THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD MAKE YOU A CHEATER: Sex texting another girl - better know as 'sexting', sending raunchy emails, asking another girl to send you raunchy emails and photos, phone sex, hitting on another girl when you are out and asking for her phone number and then sexting her and arranging to meet up - even if you don't meet up, you have been intimate. So just because you didn't get any pussy, doesn't mean you ain't a bad guy. So screw you and your fucking loop holes.

The last one goes for girls as well, don't worry...I'm always telling them off too x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quinze

COCKTAIL GOGGLES ARE REAL - When we are drunk, guys suddenly seem a lot more like Brad Pitt than 'the pits'. It's a bit of a double edged sword really, because without the drunken, embarrassing hook ups, we don't have those hilarious 'remember when I ...' sessions with the girls later. With every hot guy, one ugly duckling must come. Don't feel too bad about those cringe worthy snog fests on those messy night outs, but at the same time, try not to make it a habit. There are messy nights out, then there are MESSY NIGHTS OUT. If you know what I mean. Oh and if someone less attractive than you turns you down...you might need to re assess yourself.

MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES - No, I don't mean great to look at, well...that too, but I mean they are visually stimulated. So don't hold back. If you want to indulge in some sexy time with a male or turn up the heat, there are a few tricks you can do ... I don't actually think I am about to tell you anything you don't already know really. But here we go anyway: 1) Let your lips glide over the neck of your bottle of beer - his mind will be awash with blow jobs and beer...it's boy heaven. Please ladies SUBTLETY is the key word here, you don't wanna be indulging the bottle in deep throat, just a gentle innuendo will suffice. 2) Let him in the change rooms when you are trying on clothes...especially lingerie. Put it on slowly and gently let your hands run over your curves and lady bumps all while acting unaware that he is watching you. 3) When you are putting make up in front of him, lean over your dressing table and stick your bum in the air whilst arching your back...he will oblige you.

ORDER THAT SKINNY CAPPUCCINO - If we're being honest, there is not much of a difference in taste between skim and full fat milk, but the calorie difference is immense. LITTLE PICKERS WEAR BIGGER KNICKERS!

THE LITTLE BLACK DRESS REALLY IS A WARDROBE STAPLE - Yeah yeah, nothing new. But seriously, it is so true. Find a basic, short, black, well fitted dress and the possibilities are endless! I'd go with more of a floaty whimsical number than a stiff, tight one. You can throw a denim jacket over it with Converse high tops for a urban street kinda look, or obvious heels for night time, but instead of just putting on the boring matching black pair, go with red, green or even neon pink...the dress is black for God's sake, black goes with everything. Add a vintage brooch with black ballet flats and a little blazer for a date or lunch with the girls, put a stripey tshirt underneath teamed with huge hoop earrings and flip flops for ice cream at the beach. Wear your hair up in a messy sexy do with strands and strands of pearls and your best 'Fuck Me Heels' to lure a prospective penis. If you have a cute black dress, you will always have something to wear.

REALLY? YOU LOVE OBAMA? - Please, do not get me wrong. I love president Barack Obama. The fact that we have a man of multicultural heritage in charge of a great nation is a positive step in the right direction in my opinion. However, the amount of cats who claim to LOVE him because Beyonce has made it fashionable by wearing a tshirt with his face on it, or because you can get Obama bobble heads just irritates me. These same people HATED George W and didn't really know why they did either, but they knew everyone else did so it must be the right thing to do. Sure Mr Obama is doing some good things, why don't you go find out what they are before you declare yourself a big fan...I guess in life we need the sheep so the shepherds don't get bored.

Yeah. I went there x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 4

FOR BOYS ONLY

THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO TELL US HOW HOT YOU THINK OUR FRIENDS ARE - Unless you want to suck your own dick later that is.

CLEANSE AND MOISTURISE YOUR FACE - It. is. not. gay. You need to do it. Do you think that baby bottom skin is gonna last forever? So many brands do skincare for dudes now anyway, so the packaging is all manly and stuff. It's fine. No one will laugh at you.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR, AND GO BUY YOURSELF A PAIR OF JEANS THAT FIT YOU WELL - The best thing about your body is your ass. A pair of good jeans well help accentuate this little treasure. You need to avoid boot cuts and please for the love of GOD avoid stone wash. Yes yes some of you think skinny jeans are gayer that Elton John on all fours, so we're not asking you to get them, but get some that make your ass look like two scoops of ice cream please at least. Hardly anywhere does jeans with a zip fly for dudes now so don't ask for them, also, button fly denims are safer...lets be honest. So to sum it up, you need a pair of bog standard straight leg jeans that sit low on the hip, do not have a boot cut, button fly and low back pockets. Find a lady sales assistant to help you, she'll thoroughly enjoy the experience. Trust me.

TIPS FOR BUYING UNDERWEAR - Avoid the word 'polyester'. Avoid Crotchless. Avoid anything from the Adult Store, those things are meant for chicks named Cookie and whores, or for when you and your missus are just wanting a bit of fun. If you are purchasing knickers as a gift it needs to be something sexy yet tasteful. It needs to fit her properly too. You can't buy her a DD just because you want her to be that, a good bra can make her look like she has DD's anyway. Check out her underwear drawer and look at the sizes. Ask her mates...(for her size. Not theirs.) Do some research my dear. Go for black, white, soft pinks or leopard print. She's your lady, not your mistress. Cute polka dots and such is wonderful too. Elle Macpherson, Pleasure State and Agent Provocateur are all good choices. Happy shopping.

YEAH OF COURSE SIZE DOESN'T MATTER - Just like tits don't matter to you.

Don't forget to moisturize that gorgeous mug of yours x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 3

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN YOU ARE RE ARRANGING YOUR BALLS - Could you stop doing that in public please? How would you like it if we went around sticking our hands down our trousers in front of you? Actually never mind, you would love that.

MAKE YOUR LADY A MIXED TAPE - Like in the good 'ol days. Except this time round it'll be a CD. It's not gay, it's sweet.

YOU DO NOT ALWAYS NEED TO BE INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF FIGHT TO PROVE YOUR MANLINESS - Seriously, that dude spilt his beer on you by accident. Do you really think he would spend $8 on a beer and then pour it all over you when he could have just stuck to water? When it is crowded people bump into each other. Sure it's annoying but it's even more annoying when some fuckwit makes the whole situation about him and throws all his toys out the cot. Keep it together man.

IT IS COMMON COURTESY THAT YOU LIE IN THE WET PATCH - It's part of you anyway! Then again, I'll lie in it if I want to show how much you mean to me, but don't count on it.

IT'S OK TO CRY DURING A SAD MOVIE - It's only human.

THROWING GIRLY LITTLE TANTRUMS IS NOT SEXY HONEY - Get angry, sure, but sulking and going all 'moody' on us just makes us want to vomit.

DO NOT TRY TO SEND US MMS PICTURES OF YOUR MANHOOD - You really are the only one who thinks it is the most spectacular thing ever. If you love it that much, instead of sending us pictures of you squeezing the base in order to make it appear larger, why don't you go knit it a little hat?

AVOID WHITE LEATHER DRESS SHOES - The only time these are acceptable are if you are in the Navy. Otherwise the only other time is...wait...no no, there is no other time.

We love you x