Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix

OH THE TANGLED LIES WE WEAVE THAT WE ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE - Sometimes...no actually MOST times we are indecisive so when we think we have made up our mind the need to over articulate and speak about it becomes unbearable. Almost as though talking ourselves into it in public will provide us with a witness which then sets the bullshit in stone which will hopefully force us to stick to our guns. The other reason could be our quest for validation that we have in fact made the right choice. Ever noticed how when you know its the right decision that no further discussion is required and you don't need any assistance in helping you sleep at night? Wake up and smell the Nescafe Blend babe.

WE ALL COME WITH AN EX - Unless you are dating a 14 year old, your current squeeze most likely has an ex. Sometimes you might bump into them. Sometimes they might rear their head on a facebook feed. Sometimes they might send a text. Don't freak out about it and look like a fucking psycho. See? You just made me use the word I hate, but you are a frikkin psycho if you lose your shit over your boyfriend/girlfriends saying hi to an ex if they happen to be around.  Just like opinions and assholes...we all have an ex. Hell, your ex's new shag probably hates your guts as well! Let's just all agree to acknowledge that whomever we are dating at present once had a life before you and that it is all water under the bridge. (and that we all still have a sneaky wank over them from time to time)

OLIVE OIL IS GREAT FOR REMOVING EYE MAKE UP - No seriously, I was amazed at how well it works. A bit on a cotton wool pad and BAM! the dirt is gone. The oil is moisturising round your peepers as well. Double win.

BACK HANDED COMPLIMENTS - 'Oh that would look really good on you, but I wouldn't be seen dead it it' Yeah. Great. Thanks for that. Man, it's totally fine to acknowledge something is dope even though it's not really your thang.  I never understand when indie chicks are all like , 'EWWW' over David Beckham and 'SCHWING!' over Pete Doherty. Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat, but David Beckham is a looker whether you admit it or not. One can acknowledge something is decent without having to enjoy it. A bit like heavy Metal for me.

USE NATURAL YOGURT INSTEAD OF CREAM - If you wanna drop a few kay geez but still like you some pasta, use yogurt as a base to the sauce instead of cream. Don't add it to heat though, just stir it through the tomato paste or pesto. It's way kinder to dem thighs girl.  Be sensible. If you feel fat and are unhappy with the way you look, then do something about it. Just stop fucking moaning about it to your friends because they actually hate you for it. And you know they do so just stop it OK?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT - I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki's verse in Monster for such an activity.

MASTURBATE A LOT - Duh!

WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON - See above.

GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE - And make the bathroom mirror look like a painters radio.

PLAY THE MUSIC THAT YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU LISTEN TO LOUDLY - Embrace your secret pleasure! Only God can judge you.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH FOOD THAT YOU ARE TOO SHY TO DO IN FRONT OF PEOPLE - Like put more Parmesan on your pasta so there ends up being more cheese than ravioli on your plate. Murder your mac and cheese with so much ketchup it almost looks like an abortion. Eat the entire slab of rocky road Cadburys chocolate. Shove a courgette up your fanny. You know...the usual.

LEAVE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN - Even when you're doing a poo!

PUT ON YOUR SECRET OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION AND PARADE AROUND THE PLACE - I know you be knowing what I'm talking about bitch!

HAVE 'THAT' SKYPE CALL WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE FUCK BUDDY - Oh don't act coy. Of course this whole list was going to consist of lust, gluttony and poor taste. Our secret behavior ain't so secret 'cause we all do it!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quatre

SOMETIMES THE MIRROR DOES LIE - Like usually right before your period you will feel like a fleshy blob. Your hair will be the worst its ever been, ALL of your clothes will look shit and your stomach will be sticking out like you are in your third trimester. Except, to everyone else you just look the same as you always do.  Same goes for when you think that everything is going wrong and the most menial of tasks become a struggle, it usually just means that you need an early night. A little perspective please.

PHONE SEX - Do it. It is amazing. You don't have to say 'I'm rubbing my pussy' - of course you are! Just give him a little story. Tell him what you want to do to him. Say 'cock' a lot...they love that. Say 'suck' a lot...they like that too. Say 'I want to suck your cock till I gag'...they will probably ask you to marry them. They want you to tell them that there is nothing you love more than having a good 'ol 'suck' on their big (make sure you emphasize the word big) beautiful COCK. Cockity cock cock cock.  Dick is good too.  However, 'schlong' 'cute' 'small' 'soft' and 'snail' should all be avoided.

YES IT IS TOO SOON - Hey, I'm hardly the poster child for appropriateness, but making jokes about natural disasters, deaths and tragedy's on the day or during there occurrence makes you a wanker. AT LEAST have the social intelligence to not put it as a facebook status update or on twitter.  Someone involved might see it and they will be hurt, why would you want to do that? People like you probably piss on public toilet seats and don't clean up after yourself.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU TWEET - I near damn unfollow a thousand dropkicks everyday because of WHINGING. God. Keep it tight yo! A slight humorous innuendo is sufficient for a bit of a vent but making your big 'everybody hates me, I think I'm gonna eat some worms' announcement is all a bit cringey. Same with being boring. Also, if you have about 52 lists and can tell instantly who follows and unfollows you its a bit sad really.  Lord knows it can cut quite deep when you discover someone has unfollowed you, I know! But find out by accident, why trawl and check to see if they are still there? It's embarrassing! Fuck knows what people must think of me on twitter....why don't you write a blog about it? *you can't see, but I'm showing you the middle finger*

BEST THING TO HAVE ON A TOASTED BAGEL ... - Cream cheese and pesto. It's the hot damn future yo

*THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST!!* I actually really like this coffee shop

So I've taken up a new position in the offices of PIGEONHOLE and it's actually pretty alright. I think I'm going OK, my foul mouth and constant requests for 'Cider Friday' haven't even been met with THAT much of a negative response.  Hey man, it's not like I'm asking for 'No Pants Friday' - it's still not hot enough for that.  One of the greatest things about working for P Hole (tee hee) is our awesome coffee shop downstairs called CABIN FEVER - it's pretty increddy.  It also doubles as an art gallery, with some of Sean Morris and Creepy's  stuff currently on view. They also do these things called 'Cakey Pops' ... it's a lollypop made out of fucking cake. THEY ARE RUINING MY LIFE.

Let them ruin yours as well and come and have a cup of java.  It's in the Bon Marche Arcade on Barrack Street near the MacDonalds. That bloody MacDonalds is also involved in the quest to bring my life to it's delicate knee's.

See you in the cabin! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingts

STOP GOING OUT WITH WET HAIR! - You will catch pneumonia and die. Also, you look 'unkept' and 'pedestrian' ... which is worse than dying.

DO NOT SHAVE BETWEEN WAXING - Unless of course you hate yourself.

APPARENTLY, BOYS KNOW ABOUT 'BOOB SWEAT' - Like if you are bigger than a B Cup, and you sweat under dem titties.  I can't actually believe that a male brought this to my attention and that I should touch on it. So here I am...touching on it.  THIS is why I'm letting a few boys guest blog for me over the coming weeks...they obvs know more than we realize.  This is why we should kill them.

POLYESTER KNICKERS WILL GIVE YOU THRUSH - Yes that's yeast in your vagina baby. You are walking around with a hot box and it needs to breathe.  You don't want your genitals to be a science project. Ew...genitals is such a gross word.

HATERS ARE GONNA HATE, LET THEM! - Spend less time worrying about those that hate you and invest more time into those that don't. Keep good people close and the rest don't matter sugar. Say it with me, 'Love you haters!'

"IS IT IN YET?" - It's just not a nice thing to say. You might just have a wide set vagina. Also, don't ever say, 'Where is it?' 'cause it might just be caught in the little flap in their Y fronts...ehrm.

BEETROOT, ROCKET AND FETA SALAD - It's the future.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's the little things that count

Small things can create big smiles ... all to be done in limitation of course...you don't want shit getting tired, ya get me?

MAKE PANCAKES FROM SCRATCH ON A SUNDAY MORNING - If you don't have a Nigella Lawson book (everyone does though, so let's get real) then pick up a recipe off ze world wide web.  Yup, I'm talking eggs, flour and milk. REAL stuff. None of that 'Shake and Bake' shit.  It's therapeutic to whip up these fluffy wonders and do it in your dressing gown, with some Sunday tunes in the background....something 80's pref. Add blueberries and maple syrup, or if you feeling fancy...marscapone cheese.  Make extra for me.

PURCHASE THE BOX SET YOU ALWAYS WANTED - Then stay in with your favourite poison and watch every single episode back to back. Let that mindless television wash over you.

FLICK THE BEAN - Or scratch the decks. Fiddle your diddle.  Oh just fuck yourself already.  It feels good and it cures insomnia.  Fact.

SPEND AN HOUR ON YOUTUBE WATCHING INTERVIEWS AND WEIRD CLIPS OF YOUR FAVE CELEB - It needs to be someone tacky though, like Lyndsay Lohan.  If that won't make you feel better about your life then nothing will.

READ AN ACTUAL REAL BOOK OR MAGAZINE - Then switch yourself off to all social networks and the internet while you take in the words from actual real paper.  I swear I've started to get a tan from my computer screen hey...

CHANGE THE BUTTONS ON AN OTHERWISE DULL JACKET - Like I had this little cropped black jacket that fits like a glove, but it's a little 'yawn'.  So I copped some large gold brassy buttons with lions on - very door knocker/Versace esque - and pimped that boring rag to the max.  Took me about 40 minutes but I felt accomplished and crafty.  Two epic feelings if you ask me, which you are, because you reading my blog innit?

WATCH A SUNSET - I am not what you would call 'one with nature', but you cannot deny the beauty and feelgood factor of watching a good sunset.

SOMETIMES, OFFER TO SLEEP IN THE WET PATCH - But only if he went down on you.

TREAT YOUR CAR AND FILL THE TANK - It's almost ridiculous how good it feels.

SOMETIMES WHEN LIFE SEEMS LIKE IT TOOK A TURN DOWN SHIT STREET, JUST THINK OF THAT WOMAN ON OPRAH WHOSE FACE WAS ATTACKED BY HER PET CHIMP - Yeah, life ain't so bad now is it?

Lots of love, Owl x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-cing

DUDE, PRACTISE YOUR SEX FACE IN THE MIRROR - Nobody wants to be fucking the scary dude in the white mask from 'Scream'.  Just be aware is all I'm sayin.

SIGN UP TO SOME KIND OF AIR MILE PROGRAMME - Don't you like free things or something?  What the hell is wrong with you?

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE TWO FAVOURITE MOVIES - One for when you need some down time and its a secret guilty pleasure, like Clueless or something and another that will make you sound more interesting and impressive...'Shawshank Redemption' is a good one.  Most go for that...now that I've said it, you'll notice it.

DO NOT ORDER A CAESAR SALAD ON THE FIRST DATE - That shit is difficult to eat and look cool at the same time.  Then again, all that white dressing all over your face could get him in the mood to um, dress your face.  Depends where you want the night to go I guess...

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY ANSWER THE UNKNOWN NUMBERS - It doesn't always have to be bad! What if some hot dude saw you once, managed to track down your digits via the interweb/mutual acquaintances/outright stalking and took DAYS to build up the courage to ring you and then you just let that shit go to voicemail?  OK, the likelihood of that is minimal but it COULD happen.  It probs is Synergy ringing you about your bill...so just pay your fucking bill already.  Or at least arrange a time to pay it...they will totes let you.

RIDE HIM LIKE IT'S FOR SALE - ...and you need to pay your electricity bill.

Laterz xxxo

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-deux

WHEN YOU BID ON THINGS ON EBAY, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH CASH MONIES IF YOU WIN - It's not pretend.

YOU WERE NEVER AS FAT AS YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE - And you will never be as thin as you are now.

IF HE ONLY RINGS YOU PAST MIDNIGHT IT MEANS HE IS ONLY IN IT FOR THE NOOKIE - Don't even answer the damn phone. Unless of course, you are only in it for the sex too.

CHEATERS USUALLY TAKE THEIR PHONES WITH THEM TO THE SHOWER - They also send text messages in the wee hours and start sleeping with it under their pillow. Yup, chances of homeboy dipping it elsewhere are highly likely petal. Pack him up and send him gift wrapped to the whore.

DON'T COMPLAIN IN RESTAURANTS - Are you fucking crazy? Did you want them to rub your burger between their ass in the kitchen? They totally do it, 'cause lets be honest, WE would do it. If it's edible, it means its not that bad, if its not...just don't eat it and walk out. I ain't funny with food man, but I don't want no saliva in my pesto.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN APPLE MAC, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE SOME SUPERIOR BEING - Same goes for Iphones. FUCK I am so OVER the Iphone talk! It couldn't even send picture messages until yesterday or something!

IF YOUR STATUS UPDATES ON FACEBOOK ARE ALWAYS ABOUT FOOD, IT PROLLY MEANS YOU IS GETTING A FAT ASS - Ive seen this happen.

It's because I care x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-sept

IF YOU THINK YOU DON'T LIKE A KIND OF FOOD, YOU PROBABLY ACTUALLY DO - Like I used to think I hated curry, then I had it for the first time tonight and it was like the world cup in my mouth. Pretty wonderful. Except I defs know that I hate olives. And cucumber can get fucked as well.

ALWAYS CARRY WET WIPES - For in case of cleaning your hands/wiping away streaky eyeliner/stains/in case someone wants to go down on you...you just never know.

OR YOU COULD USE ONE TO WIPE THAT JUDGEMENTAL LOOK OFF YOUR FACE - Oh so your friend does drugs/slept with a married man/keeps going back to the same dude that is bad for her/likes to wear Ed Hardy or worse...beige...who the hell do you think you are to pass judgement? Oh sozz, I forgot you breeze through life making all the best decisions. Silly me.

GET A PAP SMEAR - Stop being a bloody girl about it, and get that shit checked out. If you have a revolving man door for a vagina...get it checked. If you smell or see something slightly weird...get it checked. Even if it's perfectly pink and normal...get it checked. Once a year. Every year.

IF HE ONLY EVER WANTS TO 'SEXT' YOU INSTEAD OF DOING IT FOR REAL IT MEANS HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU - He just wants the sexy words while he imagines Kate Moss is sending them or something.

DEVELOP A HIGHER OPINION OF YOURSELF - This will keep the douche bag boys at bay, stop you from feeling social anxiety at wanky art shows/nightclubs/parties and everything in general will just become so much better. You will be able to not care if the guy you are into doesn't message you, plus you will be happier because you will be able to easily forget anybody who doesn't treat you the way you should be treated. How do you do this you ask? Fucked if I know.

Image by: Miss Van

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-deux

THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE - Probs the only thing that you really need to take from the Bible.

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU DRESS DURING WINTER - If you go out on a night with a minus 5 degree temperature, and all you are wearing is a tight, stretch satin dress and heels you can't walk in, people will immediately assume that you are a slut. Brutal but true. Put some clothes on love, it's cold out.

DON'T FLIRT WITH YOUR TEACHERS OR YOUR FRIENDS DAD - It's weird.

MAYONNAISE PRETTY MUCH MAKES EVERYTHING TASTE BETTER - Don't fight it.

SMILE AT SOMEONE - It will make their day, and make you feel a bit better about life. It's the simple things people.

DON'T GET A TATTOO JUST BECAUSE BOYS DIG THEM - It's the lamest reason to get permanently ingrained that ever lived. Do it because you want to - tattoo's are forever. And so is herpes.

WHATS WITH THE WHOLE KNITTING/BAKING/SEWING WEIRD ASS LITTLE OUTFITS FOR YOUR PETS PHENOMENON? - Is there some kind of 'Golden Girl' revolution that I am unaware of?

DUDE, TOTALLY PUT FETA IN YOUR MASHED POTATOES - You won't be sorry.

Don't be sorry, be careful xx

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN ... (7)

... the dude you've been talking to starts talking to the girl you utterly can't stand? Doesn't he KNOW she is a mole?

... people who do nothing but watch Masterchef and stay at home criticize your efforts or hobbies? Yeah, they might be a better writer/DJ/dress better/musician/photographer than you, but we'll never know because they sit on their ass all day. Don't hate the playa's lazy ass.

... you're at a banging party, but you're stuck with a girl who is crying in the bathroom? FFS! Could you please go have your emotional breakdown in the comfort of your own home, or at the top of a high rise building somewhere? I wanna dance and flirt with boys!

... you specifically ask for 'no olives' and the fuckwit throws them on your pizza like it's some kinda Italian confetti? You wanna piece of me?

... Britney Spears has another meltdown? Bitch get it together please.

... you have a sneaky suspicion someone on twitter is being mildly sarcastic about you to someone else? You kinda have a hunch, but you can't be sure, so you get a mixture of paranoia and annoyance about feeling paranoid? 'I don't wanna care but I do!!!'

... you catch yourself humming along to Justin Bieber?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante et un

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO GET PEDANTIC OVER PAINT COLOURS - Whether it's 'Ivory', 'Old Lace', 'Seashell' or 'Pearl' it's just all fucking WHITE. OK?

BRUNCH IS THE BEST MEAL YOU COULD EVER POSSIBLY HAVE - It basically fills you up until abut 5pm, then you can have dinner then just an apple or something before bed. It's totes diet worthy. Plus it's less frowned upon to have booze at brunch. Bloody Mary's before 9am with your coco pops for brekkie is pushing it really.

PLEASE AVOID GREASY HAIR - It makes you unfuckable.

DON'T BE HANDING OUT 'XX' WILLY NILLY - Don't put a 'x' on the end of a message unless you mean it.

DON'T TALK ABOUT TWITTER, FACEBOOK OR ANY OTHER SOCIAL NETWORK SHIT WITH A DUDE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN - You will beige him to tears.

GET RID OF THE BLACK HEADS THAT SURROUND YOUR NOSE - MAJOR cock blockers.

GET YOUR FAVOURITE PHOTOS PRINTED AND FRAMED - Seriously. What is the point of taking loads of photographs, then keeping them on your computer? Or loading them on FB so that knobend from way back can see you and wish he was still with you? Get printing.

IF HE PUTS YOU ON HOLD, HANG UP - Then if he doesn't call back it means he forgot to or didn't want to. One is not better than the other.

IF YOU SCRATCH YOUR VAGEEN BETWEEN WAXES, IT LOOKS BAD - I know it's an itch like no other but peeps will totally think you have herpes. Or crabs. Or crabs with herpes.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? - What do you mean you don't know? These are one of the questions one needs to know the answer to in order to realise and define your personality. It goes along with your favourite colour, what kind of music you like to listen to and how you take your coffee. Being indifferent makes you neither here nor there which makes you beige. FYI - I like mine scrambled with spinach and feta.

HEY! STYLE BITERS! (THOSE THAT BITE OTHER PEOPLES STYLE AND PASS IT OFF AS THEIR OWN) - Get a clue.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN A PEARL NECKLACE - Oh get your mind outta the gutter. I know you would assume that's what I'm referring to as I am the Owl...but don't. I actually mean a string of lustrous little beads - it's a classic. They are particularly dope worn with a blouse tucked in a pair of well fitted jeans, with a black blazer and a pair of conny's. (But you really should let him blow his load on your chest sometimes - FYI)

THE POWER YOU WILL FEEL WHEN YOU FINALLY TURN THE SUCKER DOWN WHO HAS BEEN FUCKING YOU ABOUT FOR AAAGGGEEESSS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A NEW BROAD - Believe.

MIX UP YOUR DRINKING VESSELS - I actually took inspiration for this from a friend (thanks Beck) when she told me she drinks her banana smoothie out of a 1950's wide brimmed champagne glass every morning. How chic! To be honest, I've often thought of this. Like how beautifully dodgy is it to drink cheap wine outta coffee mugs? How grown up do you feel when you sip your OJ from a martini glass? The possibilities are really quite infinite.

CHINESE TAKE AWAY DOES NOT ALL HAVE TO BE MSG - Next time, order the crispy duck with pancakes, shredded cucumber and spring onion. DON'T forget the MSG riddled plum sauce. Your welcome.

PLAY IT COOL - Except in bed. Keep that shit searing hot.

xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-huit

THE CORRECT PRONUNCIATION OF 'CROISSANT' - This is a tricky one. Because if you pronounce it as it's spelt when you're in Europe, you seem like an uneducated pleb. Pronounce it correctly here in Aus and you sound kinda wanky. I think it's a French word and should be pronounced as such...if you know how. 'cause if you KNOW how to say it, you should, but if others don't and you correct them, you sound like a wanker. Do I make the sense?

JUST BECAUSE A GIRL HAS A PIXIE HAIRCUT ALA TEAGAN AND SARA, DOES NOT MEAN SHE IS A LEZZA - It just means she looks like one.

DO NOT SQUEEZE YOUR SPOTS WITH DIRTY HANDS - Geez louise. It's your fucking face dude! Go easy on it! I asked my friend over the weekend what she would rather have, a pretty face or a banging bod? Without hesitation she said, 'A pretty face for sure! What would you rather wake up to?!' - nuff said.

IF YOU ARE FEELING LIKE SHIT AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE A MONSTER STARING BACK, TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE... - And have a look around you. Yup. There are millions who are way uglier than you are. Take strength in that.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN EATING HUMMUS AND CRACKERS FOR DINNER - Throw in a glass of red and you are positively chic.

IF YOU MUST STARE, THEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO LOOK AWAY WHEN THEY CATCH YOU - Unless it's a boy and he is hot...just give a coy smile and THEN look away. But for the love of God, don't just keep on dead pan staring you fucking weirdo. Also, if you are sitting in your friends room while she gets dressed, read a magazine or something, just don't bloody stare like a freakazoid. Same goes for watching people eat. Talk about social retardation.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT SOME POINT HAVE SAID SOMETHING UNFLATTERING ABOUT YOU - Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

God, we're all slightly fucked up innit? Where do you think I get my material from?! xx

The Beige List

See I think people don't really get what I mean when I say something is 'beige'. I keep seeing readers of this blog using it completely outta context! You can't call someone or something 'beige' just because you don't like it. Being 'beige' means it's non descript, boring or unmemorable. You can't hate 'beige' things...you are to feel indifferent. Someone who happens to be fairly tacky, vulgar or irritating like say Kendra from Girls of the Playboy Mansion is WAY more entertaining than Gwyneth Paltrow aka 'The Queen of Beige City' - in my opinion.

I kinda caused somewhat of a stir in my last Beige List by mentioning Poland (yes the country). It did not mean that I thought Poland was shit. It just meant that if you had a choice between Poland and say...Tokyo, watcha gonna choose? If the world were a box of crayons, Poland ain't exactly gonna be the fuchsia one now is it? Please don't beige me to tears with your pro Poland comments. Thank you. *Note: This is not a hate campaign! It's just a list of things that just don't leave a lasting impression. At least to me.

• Plain yogurt at room temperature. (not yuck, just meh)


• Anything at room temperature.


• Anything 'luke warm'.


• The name 'Luke'.


• Apples. (unless they're in a pie)


• The name 'Apple'. (God. Only Beige McGee would name a kid that)


• The Oscars (as if you care who wins best costume designer)


• Mac and cheese with no red sauce aka 'ketchup' (what's the point?)


• Chips with no red sauce or aioli aka 'fancy mayo'.


• Delta Goodrum. (Girl get a sex tape or something...I beg of you)


• Frankie Magazine


• Plain vanilla ice cream. (And I don't mean the fancy one with the vanilla seeds)


• Rayban Wayfarers. (It's been done)


• Telling me about your non-wet dream. (care factor: zero)


• Kevin Rudd. (He's no Saddam is he?)


• Your tattoo that comes with a story as long as the Bible.


• Family Crest tattoo's.


• French manicures.


• Marshmallows.


• April Fools Day. (unless you are creative. Most aren't)


• McDonald's Apple Pie. (They are always a squillion degrees too fucking hot)


• VH1's top 10 sexiest. (oh God, we KNOW it's gonna be Jessica Alba)


• Jessica Alba.


• Describing hail stones as 'golf balls'. (surely there is another comparison?)


• What you ate on the plane. (nobody cares)


• Sparrows. (unless it's Captain Jack. Plus a sparrow ain't no owl...innit?)

*Note: Just because you have a beige name, doesnt mean YOU are beige.

xxx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-quatre

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ONE OR THE OTHER - Just because you are hooked up does not mean that it needs to be DVDs and cuddles every God. forsaken. weekend, nor does it have to be all hip hop till you don't stop every night either. Mix it up yo! This should prevent you from taking a turn into 'Rut Town' or on the other hand you party so much and become overly liberal that you land up in an awkward threesome. It is possible to have the best of both worlds.

AND IF YOU ARE COUPLED UP - Do you have to have a frikkin argument every time you take your relatio onto dry land? Not only is it tacky, it's uncomfortable for those around you. Not to mention boring. And irritating. Did I mention boring? ...... And irritating?

RAW COOKIE DOUGH IS SEX TO THE PALETTE - But rape to your thigh's. Don't be a statistic.

THE BEST WAY TO SHUT UP OTHER PEOPLE'S SCREAMING KIDS WHEN YOU'RE OUT... - Is to slowly drag your finger across your throat in the 'slitting motion' when their Mum ain't looking. I'M KIDDING! Relax!

STOP WEARING THE EARRINGS THAT ARE INFECTING YOUR LOBES - ThriFt store pierced one's can be a fucker for this. Sort your shit out please.

DO NOT CONDONE BAD MANNERS FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX - Like if you and your friend met some dude at a party the weekend before and they hooked up, then if you see him again the following weekend and he has a try of his luck with you and doesn't even say wassup to your mate - tell homeboy where to stick it...and I don't mean your vagina.

Ho's before bro's x

'The Obnoxious Owl Experience' - Week Two

It's been a bit of a hectic week to be honest. Shits been going down in my hometown South Africa (stay tuned for an entire post dedicated to that...Owl's gonna get real) and even though I've been pretty busy with work and recreation, it's been on my mind the entire time. Anyhow...here it is...my week in pics.

Sooooooooo it was Easter. And I was on a fooking diet - which meant nada chocolate bunnies and hot cross sex buns - which is only like my most favourite bun! Therefore I requested that the bunny is not to deliver any confectionery this year. I DID however receive this bad boy from my staff...

Yes. Yes that is a chocolate Mr Potato head WITH detachable body parts. There is no temptation to tuck into this as it blatantly needs to stay in the box and look rad, innit? Said diet has kinda driven me into a bit of a spending spree (which is bad bad bad, because I leave for the UK in 8 weeks for Glastonbury and I also don't really need anything) HOWEVER...lookie at this silver bag I picked up for 2 dolla from CottonOn...

Voila! A cassette decorated goon bag! You could also probs roast a chicken in it too. I mainly use it for work to lug around my HUGE A4 diary and other such 'tings.

Now I am a self proclaimed Nike girl, Air Max to be specific (I like the elevation) but Dee from Winifred & Bance sent me a Facebook message informing me that she just got a 1980's Adidas Trackie Top in that was 'so me' (it's garish and obnoxious - she has a point) so obvs I had to buy it. I am not one to go around mixing brands so I needed some kicks to go with it, thus forcing me to cop these babies...

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Truth be told, I think I used the top as an excuse 'cause I've kinda had my eye on these for a while. That retro Adidas jacket would look waaaay better with heels and hoop earrings anyway. What's a girl to do? I'll tell you what's she to do, she's to impulse purchase THESE beauty's...

Oh God. Tell me you ain't salivating right about now. I picked them up thinking they'd be about $400 but they were just a measly 170 bucks! That's like nothing! OK OK, I shouldn't be spending when I have an international trip on the horizon but imagine me hanging out with Kate Moss at Glasto wearing these fuckers! Exactly. It's an investment.

In other news - I dyed my hair black this week and had another fringe trim. I went all edgy and had it cut on a slant like so...

I have had more fringe trims in my life than I've had hot showers. Because basically, I've had the same 'effin hair cut since I was 5 years old. Exhibit A...

Jesus. I already had the 'myspace face' mastered at that age! But see? Same hair! Hey man, if it ain't broke, you know the rest.

So new hair, new clothes and a trimmer figure (the diet paid off 'cause I lost 9kg's! kaaaching!) I took my ass out on Saturday and landed up at a house party in the city. Ran into a few lad's from Last Chance and ended up getting tagged by one of their Danish mates. Nice choice of colour bruv!

It says 'NAME' 'cause that what he writes. I think it's kinda clever. It would have been more exciting if the pen used was of the more fleshier variety *sigh* Whatevs.

I woke up Sunday morning, cleaned my chest and headed out with the fam to Perth Zoo for my sisters birthday. Highlight of the day was the elephants having a bath...

(Errr..this picture doesn't really show much)...and lunch at JUS BURGERS afterwards (yes for those in the know, it is a Sowf Efrican restaurant) where I wolfed down a Chicken Pesto Mozzarella food angel...

Sozz diet :(

Not only are their burgers arguably the best in Perth but they had a nice wall for me to look at to!

Well that's about it really. This post is probs about an 11 out of 10 for narcissism, but I ain't gonna lie, I LOVE checking out other peeps photos, so I'm sure someone will find pleasure in these. Or at least it'll take up 2 minutes of your life while you're waiting for the kettle to boil. Speaking of which - Imma go have a brew right now.

So God bless and good night owlettes x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quarante et un

IF YOU DON'T HEART YOUR JOB, FIND A NEW ONE - Hey, the employment fairy ain't gonna fly down, wave it's wand and provide you with a dopealicious job that puts a smile on your face. Get out there and do the bloody legwork! Research the companies you would love to work for and send them your resume - even if they aren't hiring. Then call them. Then a month later, call them again...and so forth. Life is for the taking my little feathery friends.

HORIZONTAL STRIPES DON'T MAKE YOU FAT...DONUTS DO - Stop trading amazing threads for lard. SO not chic darlings.

NOBODY IS COOLER THAN YOU - Except for me. I'm kidding! Kinda.

FOLLOW www.ladysarahjane.com - For fashion, for hilarity and for freshness. Homegirl got style.

IT'S TOTALLY NOT COOL TO LAUGH AT HOMELESS PEOPLE - Unless they fall over. After all, it's funny when ANYONE falls over...except for old people.

UNSALTED AND UNROASTED NUTS ARE NOT NEARLY AS TASTY - Who are we fooling here? Just ourselves. I may try an unroasted, unsalted cashew...but I'm telling you right now...I won't enjoy it.

IF YOUR JEANS ARE NOT THOROUGHLY DRY AFTER WASHING, YOU WILL SMELL LIKE MILDEW - Sort your shit out please.

IF HE BREAKS UP WITH YOU, DON'T BEG - Because our dignity is one of the few things we actually have 100% control over. Look after it. But if you must beg...know when it's game over.

love you x