Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix-huit

BOOK A DENTIST APPOINTMENT - Once a year is enough. Yeah I know it's expensive but private health is surprisingly affordable so sort it out.  Getting old is hard on the body so preserve what you can and look after the teeth in your head!

SAVE - Even if it's twenty bucks a week...and don't touch it. You know whats worse than having cavity's in your teeth? Not being able to afford to pay to get them fixed. Be prepared for rainy days Owlies. If life was that much of a smooth sail then these advice posts wouldn't be so fucking popular INNIT.

DON'T PUT UP WITH A SHIT BOSS. - Guess what?  If you are lucky enough to live in the first world then you don't have to put up with a boss that takes the piss. That said, you can't be a slacker either...reap what you sow and all that jazz. You spend 80% of your life at work, you should not hate it. Be strategic about it, write down what you love then write down what you hate. Look at the things that you hate and objectively think about what you could do to change it. If it all falls down to 'your boss is an asshole' well then. You've gotta put your decision cap on don't you babe?

THE ONLY TIME YOUR WEE SHOULD BE BRIGHT YELLOW IS WHEN IT'S THE FIRST ONE OF THE DAY. - Drink more water.

STOP GOING ON ABOUT WHAT YOU 'DON'T' DO/HAVE/BELIEVE IN. - Great, you don't have facebook or twitter. Woopee doo for you. Great, you don't even OWN a television. Awesome. Happy for you. What? Really? You don't believe in God?! What an alternative thought.  *sigh*

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-dix-sept

SPEND THAT LITTLE EXTRA - I know there is a saying that goes 'Look after the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves' or some shit, but hey there are some things that are worth splashing on.  Save 400 bucks on a long haul flight which turns a 21 hour journey into 43 hours. Yeah man, totally worth it! Not. Other things that are not worth the scrimp: baked beans (Heinz only thanks), shampoo and conditioner, underwear and toilet paper. You get what you pay for!

IF HE WANTS YOU, HE'LL FIND YOU. - Especially if he knows you are keen, and believe me...they know.

DON'T SIGN OFF YOUR EMAIL WITH 'THANKS YA'LL' - It's fucking lame. As my friend Alex would say, 'On the scale of 1 to lame this is lame'

IF YOU ARE ON A BUDGET GO TO GALLERY OPENINGS AND ART SHOWS - Those fuckers aren't shy with the wine and cheese buffet let me tell you!

NEVER TRUST A MAN WHO DRIVES A NON PRIMARY COLOUR CAR - Nothing says 'I'm a dickhead' like a bright and shiny purple/lime green or orange vehicle with a huge exhaust pipe. You know what they say....big exhaust, little penis.

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE THAT HAS EVER GOTTEN BACK WITH AN EX AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER? - Serious question.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: If you're feeling shit then this will make it worse

EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
This is a sure fire way in making sure that you hate yourself.  You may even consider sticking your finger down your throat after you have inhaled the family size instant mac and cheese followed by 2 mars bars and it's probably not a bad idea.  I mean, vomiting and over eating whilst crying is the ideal way to make yourself feel better when you're going through a fuck show.

TEXT/MESSAGE/FB/TWEET THE DUDE THAT HAS ONLY EVER MADE YOU AN OPTION.
It will be even WORSE if he doesn't reply.  Here you go, why don't you just take this knife and make a few wounds on your arm and then I'll just pour all this salt in them?

YOU SHOULD GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE. 
I mean, when you are feeling lonely and a bit down, the best thing to do is to start alienating and stabbing all your friends in the back.  You will feel like such a champion for doing it so why not take it a step further and flirt with their boyfriends?

YOU SHOULD HAVE LOADS OF MEANINGLESS, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH BONEHEADS. 
It just does wonders for the soul and self esteem.  Nothing quite says 'I love myself' like getting naked with someone that probably can't remember your name and convinces you that using a condom is a silly idea.  Why not take some naked photos of yourself with your head in smiling and waving and send it to his phone AND email just in case he didn't get it?

SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON JUNK AND/OR BOOZE AND DRUGS.
Because the anxiety of not being able to pay rent and your phone bill and the impending sense of doom one gets when they are having financial problems will far out weigh any troubles that are going on in your world innit?

DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE OR DO ANY LAUNDRY FOR AGES.
It's great to just sit in squalor and look shit as well as feel shit. You want to be authentically shit inside and out hey?  It's awesome when you open the fridge and it smells like somebody's cat died in there, you just feel like you are in complete control of your life. All good, nothing to see here!

Old sayings that fry my bacon.

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER .
Oh rly? What if it looks boring as hell and is all dirty and shit? Why would I pick it up? Do you go for a magazine that has someone you can't tolerate on the cover? I don't think you do!! The way we dress sends a message about the kind of person we are. Shallow you say? Oh boo fucking hoo. Sure, there are exceptions but unfortunately, we are visual beings.  How many times do video clips make you fall in love with a song for instance? No one is expecting you to be the coolest kid on the block, but take a bit of pride in what you look like. A pie intact is way more appealing than a dropped one. Get me?

NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
Um, there is actually a lot of use thanks. What if you are having a shit day and that bit of milk was all you had going for you?  It's like saying you can't cry over someone who died. It's called mourning! Yes yes we shouldn't worry about what happened in the past. Whats done is done and all that but fuck man, we are entitled to be pissed when things don't go the way we expect them to. Leave us be with our tears for a second!

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK AND LOOKS LIKE A DUCK ITS A DUCK.
Yes thanks for that.

A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY.
I'd prefer laying on my front in a hammock, sipping on a coconut cocktail with someone named Guido in a little shorts gives me a back rub over changing jobs any day!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
Now why in Gods name would I want to do that huh? 'Oh hey dude, I know you hate me and stuff and say wack shit to me but you know what? I'm gonna keep you in my fold in case you decide to ruin my life at some point' SCREW THAT! Get the asshole out of you life! Sure, keep a beady eye on them like on FB or something, but bloody hell, cut dem ties!.

MONEY DON'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.
The only people who say this are those who don't have it (me) and are trying to appease themselves. Money is more powerful than love mate. Two people in love living in the gutter? Yeah don't think so.

If you cant cook don't tell someone their food 

needs salt.

(that should be my new bi line)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 27

FOR BOYS ONLY

FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean.  Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.

DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.

DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?

'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION - Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.

APRIL RESOLUTION: Get familiar with a budget and start being sensible with with your $$$

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: 'cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby

The things I wish that someone told me ...

YOU KNOW THAT BOY YOU'RE CRYING OVER?  THE ONE YOU THINK YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? - It's all bullshit.  In ten no FIVE years from now you will either a) laugh at the fact you ever had a thing for him and/or b) you will have forgotten all about him.  Don't cry baby girl, they only get worse as they get older. Sozz about the bad news.

YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE PLAN YOU HAVE?  THE ONE WHERE YOU ARE GONNA GET MARRIED BY THE AGE OF 23?  HAVE YOUR FIRST BABY BY THE TIME YOU TURN 26 ETC? -  All bollocks.  People in their 20's seem sooooooooo old when you're teenager.  They ain't.  One day you will wake up and it will be your 29th birthday and you would have done none of those things.  Don't plan. Live!!  party, meet people, have loads of sex (safely)...if marriage and brats happen during this? Awesome!  If not? So fucking what!  As John Lennon once said to me; 'Life happens when you're busy making other plans'

YOU ARE NOT FAT - I promise you will look at a photograph of yourself one day and yell out, 'Look how thin I was!' I swear on my life.

Read more »

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-trois

PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME - For many reasons, but mainly because the anxiety of them hanging over your head is way stressful. Plus a clean credit rating is a fun thing to have.

KEEP UP THE DIRTY TALK - It's hot. And it will keep him rock hard.

SWALLOW - It's hella less messy and it doesn't taste THAT bad. Don't be such a fucking girl about it! Plus if you do it right it can totally miss your tongue i.e. your taste buds, and hit the back of your throat. Keep a glass of something nearby either way.

I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, PLEASE IGNORE THE DO'S AND DON'TS IN THOSE FUCKING SO CALLED 'FASHION MAGAZINES' - Double denim is fine. Horizontal stripes are fine. Who the fuck are they?

THERE IS A 6 MONTH RULE WITH REGARDS TO GETTING WITH A GUY YOUR FRIEND GOT WITH - I don't mean ex boyfriends of friends...that is a different matter entirely. I mean the dude who your friend was kinda seeing like for 2 weeks or some shit. Don't just be hopping on that conveyor belt. Sure, she doesn't own him, but let's be honest...there is defs a certain amount of territorial shit going on. I'm sure you can understand? Haven't we all been on both sides of the fence at some stage? Don't scrimp on sensitivity.

DON'T BE A BITCH FOR THE SAKE OF BEING A BITCH - Otherwise it's fine. Like if someone is tryna take the piss, or if the situation calls for it.

Yeah yeah, I know I'm one to talk...that's why I say I don't use it anyway. Innit. x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's all about the Benjamin

It's actually quite laughable I am attempting to give any advice on money. I am to money what Gary Glitter is to kids...dangerous and extreme. Seriously. Up until about 2 years ago I used to see cash as just a minor obstacle to getting something that I wanted. I'd like to think I've become a little more mature concerning my finances, and I receive a gazillion requests from readers to give money advice. Well...Ima gonna give it...but this really is a case of 'the blind leading the blind' if there ever was one! So if you'll excuse the hypocrisy but here we go...

START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - Even if it's a tenner a week. And if you are creeping into your thirties like me IT'S NOT TOO LATE! It sucks giant donkey balls being broke. Like not having money for a red leather jacket is one thing, but having no dosh for bus fare or bread is quite another. I reckon having two saving accounts is probs the best idealio...like one for a bit of money for those 'just in case I overspend and have to eat sand before payday' kinda saving account and one slightly more ambitious one for say a house or better, a Louis Vuitton luggage set. Trunk included. I think having a bit stashed away is just a clever thing to do. There is no denying.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT DON'T HAVE TO BREAK THE BANK - For example: nail varnish - it seems the cheaper brands have the freshest colours anyway. Spend more on a top coat, that will stop them from chipping. Well, it never stops it from chipping but it helps the colour stay put a little longer. Clothes - Invest in accessories and shoes and spend less on threads. I am totes being for serious here. Get yo ass down to the thrift store, and buy a $20 frock. Team it with $100 shoes and some banging earrings and the whole outfit will look a million bucks. Nasty shoes will make Chanel look like Cha-no-so-much. Body lotion: A bit of Johnson's & Johnson's never hurt anybody.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN WORKING FOR MCDONALD'S...BUT WHY SHOULD YOU? - If you are studying fashion, get your ass in a clothing store and hand them your resume. Marketing or Media? Go make tea for those professional networking bad boys. Hey man, I worked for a massive household name designer when I was just a mere 20 year old, sold a raincoat to Paul McCartney and helped Victoria Beckham buy some jeans - 6 months later I had them convinced I was a 'stylist'. My point is, don't just take any job because you need $$$...put some thought into it.

MAKE SMALL CHANGES - Make the morning latte regular instead of large. Hit the sale section of your favourite store, everything lands up there anyway! Mix some moisturiser with your foundation to make it last longer. Listen to the radio, and get involved with some cheeky downloads - them albums start adding up! Not to mention the space issue! Some things cannot be skimped on however...like toilet paper. Let's all be sensible here.

ENTERTAIN AT HOME - I fucking HATE themed parties but you could hold a Turkish night for example, instead of everyone dressing up like bloody Aladdin, you could toast some Turkish bread, whip up some chickpea deliciousness that IS hummus, wear a fez and blaze up the sheesha. Or if Turkish delights ain't your cup of apple tea...play a board game, my personal favourite is rude word scrabble. Get creative.

KEEP A CHANGE JAR - The ashtray in your car doesn't count. Throw all your loose change in it at the end of the day, and when it's full, bank the fucker.

Basically owlettes, nothing is a bargain if you don't have the cash. $2 is expensive if you only have $1....ya get me? Just remember: Prostitution is not big, and it's not clever. And if you have a partner that is always asking for money...tell homeboy to take his broke ass home.

Your body. Your life. Your bank account x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 9

FOR BOYS ONLY

ALWAYS BEING BROKE IS NOT SEXY - Constantly having to spot you change for cigarettes, buying round after round and giving you 'lunch money' gets really boring and makes us feel like your mum. No matter how large your manhood is.

MEN DON'T HAVE TO BE THE ONES AROUND THE BBQ AND LADIES IN THE KITCHEN TALKING ABOUT HANDBAGS - It's the 21st God damn century for fucks sake.

THAT BEING SAID, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW US WHO THE MAN IS IN THE BEDROOM - We like it.

PLEASE AIM FOR THE TOILET BOWL WHEN YOU ARE RELIEVING YOURSELVES - It's not so much the pee on the seat that is disgusting, but more the little puddle you leave on the floor.

DO NOT GET HIGHLIGHTS - OK, SOME girls enjoy little blonde flecks in their boys hair. But those girls have no business here. This is coming from me and my homegirls, and I'm telling ya...we don't dig. It's not so much the look that bothers me, but more the mental image of you sitting in a hairdressers chair, reading Cosmo, sipping a latte all with little foil parcels all over your head. Hmmm....not that arousing.

Owl loves boys x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente et un

TAKE OUT INSURANCE AND SAY YES TO EXTENDED WARRANTY - Yes yes, I KNOW you think it will all be fine and nothing will happen/break/get stolen/have red wine poured all over it, but trust me kittens, as they say...'shit happens'. The problem is, said shit will happen when you're warranty has run out. For like 9 bucks a week you are covered for thousands...so don't be a muppet and be insured. Otherwise, you will have to type your blog from a very un chic internet cafe instead of the privacy of your own pad. For instance.

DO NOT WATCH 'THE HILLS' - Like, I'm like so like totally serious like. I watched it for about 15 minutes and I could literally feel my brain start to crumble like the first cookie in the packet. What the FUCK is that shit?!

DO NOT SPRAY PERFUME ONTO YOUR COSTUME JEWELLERY - It turns it green. Not a good look darling.

IT'S OK TO HAVE YOUR BRA PEEKING THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES IF IT'S A PRETTY COLOUR - Nobody wants a glimpse of your over washed 'used-to-be-white' grey tit hammock, OK? A sexy sliver of turquoise strap or lacy pink peeking our the top of your dress is cute. Manky underwear or wearing your bra as a bikini top at festivals is a bit well...well I'm not gonna say it, but it rhymes with 'Right Mash'. Ya get me?

TRY TO KEEP YOUR PERSONAL PLANS TO YOURSELF UNTIL THEY ARE FINALISED - Otherwise all the little doubters out there get a smug little look on their face. And that will just piss you off. I've lived it, trust me.

Don't make me say I told you so x

(art by Motel 7)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE DILDO

We're on the brink of another new year. I realise that it's a cliche, but I love new beginnings. Like starting diets on Mondays, or having a month off from shagging randoms etc...it definitely helps the process of attempting to be disciplined...let's be honest. Also, everyone kinda expects you to be a bit different in the new year...it won't be that obvious because everyone is feeling festive i.e. drunk. So let's embrace the opportunity to turn over a new leaf (I never quite got that saying...who the fuck goes around turning over leaves?!) Anyhow, I'm pretty sure you have your own resolutions, but I'll give you a bit of inspiration - it's what I'm good at. (and yes, that's me in the picture)

LET'S START WITH MAKING SURE THE OPPOSITE SEX TREATS US BETTER - The thing is, you get the kind of respect that YOU think you deserve. Give a dude the impression you will definitely be treating his pants like a goodie bag on your first encounter will (unfortunately) make you look like a tramp and you will be treated as such. Yes yes yes, it DOES suck that they get to go around getting more ass than a toilet, but I think that even that is changing these days...not many ladies are interested in the local man whore. But if you are keen for a bit of no-strings-nookie (in my experience, there is no such thing...but anyway) then do it with someone who is not in your immediate social circle and make sure that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But remember there are always strings. ALWAYS.

HEALTHY EATING AND LOSING THE 2009 FLAB - Ah yes, the old faithful new years resolution diet. I know it well. First thing I did on boxing day was throw out anything in my fridge and cupboards that could make me fat and loaded up on fruit, veg, chicken, nuts and all those boring things. The thing is, I have tried all the faddy diets...the drugs (both legal and illegal), the milkshakes, the soups, the Special K, blah blah blah and it's all fucking bullshit because it can't last forever...and you just end up looking like a baby whale again. A complete lifestyle makeover needs to take place. You actually need to say to yourself, 'If I put this in my mouth, it is going to make me unhappy'. As Kate Moss has now famously said, 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'.

OPEN YOURSELF UP TO A FEW NEW EXPERIENCES - No, I don't mean double penetration...well, if you really want to then do it, but I'm not encouraging it. I mean listening to new music, going to see the kind of movie you wouldn't usually be interested in, tasting avocado if you swear you have always hated the stuff (you might not anymore), give that guy your number even if you aren't that keen...who knows?

REARRANGE YOUR HOUSE/ROOM - It's good for you and it believe me, it makes all the changes in your life feel like they are actually happening because you are doing something tangible.

IF YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO THE WIND, YOU CAN'T EXPECT IT NOT TO TELL THE TREE'S - Try to keep your cards pretty close to your chest going forward. If you're like me, then you like to think out loud so use that thing above your neck before your big gaping mouth. I like to bounce my ideas off people and gauge their reaction...but this only works with people who have your best interests at heart....which brings me to....

ONLY SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU AND DON'T DRAIN THE MOTHER FUCKING LIFE OUT OF YA - And those peeps that are best for you, won't necessarily tell you the things that you want to hear. Remember that.

SORT OUT YOUR FINANCES AND PLAN A MID YEAR GOAL - Mine is that I'm going to bloody GLASTONBURY festival (fuck yeah) and seeing all my English mates I haven't seen in 3 years in June. It doesn't have to be THAT rad, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it's paying off a debt, buying that ridiculously extravagant pair of heels (extravagant = necessary) or dumping your low life boyfriend...just aim for something. The goal posts may change, and that doesn't matter, just keep them on your visible horizon.

Basically, it's time to sort our bloody lives out. Whatever made you unhappy in 2009 just leave it there where it belongs and here's to the future. If it hasn't made it into your life in the present it never made it for a bloody good reason.

I love you (I really do) and happy mother fucking owly new year! x

DON'T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN... (4)

...when you are broke and someone gives you money for Christmas or your birthday and you have to spend it on something pathetic like your phone bill?

...when you thought you had meaningless sex with somebody and then you see them kissing someone a few weeks later and the fiery ball of jealousy alights in the pit of your stomach?

...you looked particularly spectacular on a night out and there is no photographic evidence?

...you are trying to be good on your diet and then you visit somebody and they order pizza? And it has pepperoni on it with extra cheese?

...that person that was a complete head fuck a few months ago rears their ugly head again just when you are a) over them and b) in the middle of another drama? It's like they have a bullshit radar or something.

...the build up is better than the actual event? i.e. sex with somebody you've been flirting with for ages.

...teenage boys call you a cougar? How old do you fucking think I am you cheeky bastards?!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt - quatre

NOTHING IS A BARGAIN IF YOU ARE BROKE - Even $2 is expensive if you don'thave it. Don't be fooled by those alluring sales.

THE ONLY WAY TO EAT A STEAK IS MEDIUM RARE - Why have it so bloody that it looks as though it has yet to go through rigor mortis? And well done is just silly.

'FAKE BLOOD' IS DROPPING THE PHATEST REMIXES OF LATE - Yes. That was fat with a p and an h. I'm just gonna say it...he could be the new Soulwax for me. It's love people.

IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 24 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS GETTING FRISKY WITH TEENAGERS - They make look tight, but let them be young and keep your jaded over experienced paws to someone your own age.

DON'T THINK YOU CAN HAVE MEANINGLESS SEX WITH FRIENDS ... - It's NEVER meaningless.

DON'T FLIRT WITH HIS FRIENDS - It makes him angry and it makes you look like a hussy. Why make your life any more dramatic than it needs to be?

IF YOU DON'T WASH YOUR CEREAL BOWL AS SOON AS YOU ARE FINISHED, YOUR CORNFLAKES WILL SET DIAMOND HARD TO THE SIDE - And those suckers are never coming off. So don't be dirty whore and wash your bloody dishes.

Wow...it's almost Christmas guys...I feel a special edition coming on...xx

THINGS THAT ARE ENJOYABLE...1

Passing your driving test. The sense of accomplishment is magnificent.

When you buy a chocolate bar from a vending machine and the sucker shoots 2 of them out by accident OR even better, when some dickhead has left their change behind.

Listening to a song that you haven't heard in ages...like what just happened to me now, Halo by Bloc Party. What a wonderful thing music is.

When you see your ex and you look smoking hot and he has a receding hairline.

Finding 10 bucks in your pocket. That shit never gets old.

When you weigh yourself and you haven't picked up a single kilo, in fact you have lost some weight even though you gorged on McDonald's the day before and feel gastronomically violated.

That song 'Domino's' by The Big Pink. It's God damn amazing.

Hotel room sex - where inhibitions go to die.

Bacon sandwiches the morning after a big night. Has to be soft white bread, not toasted with loads of red sauce. This is the Obnoxious Owl hangover cure.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part sept

ANY GARMENT MADE OUT OF POLYESTER STRETCH SATIN SCREAMS TACKY - Come now girls. Unless you are a stripper named Cookie, Candy or any other kind of confectionery this is not a good idea. Nothing good can come of it. Very rarely are there items of clothing made out of this ghastly fabric that make the cut. It's clingy in all the wrong places, it runs, it pulls, the hemline is almost always uneven and the big word here is POLYESTER. Not chic honey.

IT'S ONE THING TO BE INSPIRED BUT IT'S QUITE ANOTHER TO BE A COPY CAT - OK, so you have a mate whose style, boyfriend, bedspread and general lifestyle you admire. That's cool. So get a boyfriend of your own who is equally as lovely instead of making a play for hers, be just as inventive in your interior decorating choices instead of finding out the make and style of what she has and go and buy the exact same one. She might look wondrous in that purple leather miniskirt, however if your legs look like tree stumps you may want to rethink the mini skirt and instead be inspired by her ability to dress according to her best attributes. I swear we've all had a friend that slowly started sounding and dressing like us and batted her copy cat eyelashes at our man. DON'T BE THAT GIRL. Ever watched 'Single White Female'?

PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE NIPPLE TUNING - Look ladies, when you make love and such with a man, you are taking on a responsibility. This responsibility is to nurture and direct him towards becoming a better lover. If they tune your nipples like they are trying to get 92.5FM and you don't tell them it does not feel good they will think you fucking love it and continue the trend with another unlucky female. Don't pretend to enjoy it - you ain't doing them or us a favor, just softly nudge them in the right direction. And it doesn't stop at 'nipple tuning'...there is bad kissing, squeezing your tits like they are stress balls (listen dickheads, they are actually attached OK?), slobbering in your ear (it's happened), one night stands expecting the works when clearly it's just drive through and not a three course damn meal and using teeth in any sort of way. Please girls, once you're done with them, make sure they are well trained and enlightened in the art of sexy time.

DO NOT TRY TO CUT YOUR OWN FRINGE - It just never works out. You end up looking special needs. Most hairdressing salons don't charge for a fringe trim anyway, so there's no frikkin excuse you lazy girl.

SPLIT THE BILL - Geez you cheap arseholes, come now....so their chicken parmagana was like $5 more expensive than your garden salad....who fucking cares?! If you couldn't afford to go out for dinner then you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. And don't sit around waiting for your $1.75 change either, give the hard working waiter a tip God dammit! Do you want him to rub your steak between his ass next time? Well, DO YOU? This does not apply if the dinner was a date however, especially a first date and ESPECIALLY if he asked you out, then he should definitely pick up the tab. But if you asked him out well then obviously you should be the one reaching for your wallet and don't be expecting him to pay every time either. A certain amount of woo is necessary from the male, but there does come a time when the lady needs to rise up and pay her blinking way. This ain't the 50's darling, however fabulous that era may have been.

God speed xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part deux

IF HE IS NOT ANSWERING YOUR CALLS NOR REPLYING TO YOUR TEXT MESSAGES ITS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO - Yes, this is a hard fact to face. Rejection is like a big icy wind slapping you in the face, it sucks giant balls and makes you feel disposable. But the guys a douche and why bother stroking his ego when you could be stroking something else? Move on and delete him from facebook.

EATING LESS THAN 2000 CALORIES A DAY WILL MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT - This shit is the Gospel. Forget the soup diets, the shake diets and the no eating diets...you can't do those forever. Calorie counting is the way forward. If you burn more than you consume you lose weight. It's that basic. By calorie counting, you are not depriving yourself of anything fabulous. You can have that slab of chocolate, but you will have to accept that that is probably all you can eat that day. Portion control baby...PORTION CONTROL. Listen to me...I've lived it and learnt it.

START PUTTING MONEY ASIDE AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - You will thank me for this. Being broke is possibly the worst feeling in the fucking universe. Well, that and not having any replies to your text messages. Don't make your head the bulls eye on the dartboard that is life.

LISTEN TO THE TEMPER TRAP - It is like they are making love to your ears.

CLEAN THE MOULD OFF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AND THE GROUTING OF YOUR TILES - If you don't then you are disgusting and people judge you by the cleanliness of your bathroom.

DON'T WEAR BEIGE - Beige is not a colour...it's a lifestyle choice.

GO ON HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE ELSE OTHER THAN BALI - There is a big wide world out there. Buy a globe and check the mother fucker out.

FOR GODS SAKE, DON'T WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING - That shit is just whack.

BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN COMPANY - Nobody likes a clingy or needy girlfriend/sister/friend. You just piss people off and they pity you. You were given a brain, a few talents and the ability to be independant - it really is a true sin if you don't make use of these things.

PUT SOME SLAP ON - Nobody can look natural without a bit of make-up. Oh the irony.

You are all rockstars xx