NASH MONEY loud and clear

Sneaker interferer Alex Nash of Nash Money fame has only gone and turned a classic pair of Air Force 1's into a pair of speakers. Who even thinks of that?  It's pretty increds. Peep the interview he did with Art & Sole and excuse me while I turn an old pair of 90's into ear muffs.

All I want for Christmas is Diplo wearing my knickers

Don't you kinda feel like Christmas is happening all around you but not TO you this year?  I sort of feel like there is this festive pandemonium of 'Secret Santa's', embarrassing work function 'hook up's' and everyone selling out of iPads going on all around me and I am having an out of body Xmas experience.  So far I've bought my Mum a handbag (don't worry, she stopped reading this blog a LONG time ago), received a Christmas card from my Nan and watched Jamie Oliver's Christmas Special on telly during a serious case of writers block one evening....this has been as far as my participation of the silly season has gone. What is really confusing me though, is that I actually like Christmas.  I'm not a Bah Humbug kinda girl at all!  I love the tackiness of it all, and the food and cloyingly sweet mince pies....fuck...I forgot about that...I ate an entire packet of mince pies and washed it down with a bottle of Cab Sav during the afore mentioned writers block ordeal. I think I'm struggling to say yes to my inbox full of Christmas invites and get into the spirit because the other day after 7 parking fines were found in my wallet an actual real life moth flew out.  Yes kiddies...Mama Owl is BROKE with a capital FUCK.

This has not stopped me wanting however (do we as humans ever stop wanting?) so if money were no object, and Santa really did come down my chimney and blow his cheery load all over the place I would be on my knees and begging for this ...

Yes. These are gold Air Max 90's you are spying. And do you think I can find them anywhere? No I most definitely can fucking not. Not even on the slippery slope of that fickle little cunt Ebay. I reckon I'm gonna have to give a pair of my white ones to the increddy sneaker tinkerer Alex Nash when I'm back in London next year and see if everything he touches does in fact turn to gold.

Not to be worn with fore mentioned kicks...well maybe...but this Alexander McQueen creation costs a cool 6500 hefty English pounds.  And you know what? if I had it, I'd throw money at the dead man because this dress is off the chain! It has been embroidered with actual gold bullion thread and real crystal embellishment. I could quite easily sit with my feet up on the 25 December eating 'no brand' mince pie's and drinking 5 dollar plonk whilst wearing this frock.  Ha Ha, there is something so cheeky about calling a near $12000 dress a 'frock'.  Please Uncle Santa buy me this beauty, I'll let you put your finger in my bum again like you did when I was six.

Yes I know. More gold.  But I have had my eye on these ClawMoney 14k gold bamboo babies for quite some time.  However the $500 US is not lying side by side in my wallet with the moths.  So Ms Claudia, if you are feeling generous, then I would rep these so right!  And fellas, instead of trying to get your sleaze on with me in such a pathetic fashion on Facebook chat, rather buy these for me for Christmas. It's a  MUCH better way of getting in my pants.

When they call this a 'luxury fragrance' they defs ain't lying.  I frikkin love this stuff.  I used to have a bottle years ago and would use it to damn sparingly so it would last.  It's made from the earthy rainy scents of bluebell woods by Penhaligon's in England.  It's really very special.  Anyone love me this much back in the UK?  Anybody?

Yes. Yes that is a fake vagina. I'm not sure why the er..'puckered' other hole is where it is but hey, it gets my point across.  I would like someone/Santa to buy me a bunch of sessions for electrolysis.  I am so over getting Brazilians.  They hurt for one and two, they are well expenno.  Shit is starting to add up yo!  But my waxer has become my dentist...it's no longer an option not to go.  In fact, it has been known that I have chosen to have my privates made smooth OVER a cavity filling.  I know other bitches are feeling me on this.  What can I say? Priorities.  Innit.

God I miss reading. I never do it anymore. It's all internet internet internet, blog blog blog, eat eat eat - I never read!  I used to hit the written word in book form like a drug.  A guilty pleasure of mine was the entire Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella.  Yes everyone...my name is Tammy and I love cheesy chick lit.  I also love mindless television like Gossip Girl.  See the thing is, if you spent a day in my mind you would probably leave in a straight jacket sucking your thumb.   I need the fluff of all this to give the grinding wheels in my brain a break.  It's kinda like I'm taking my brain for a little spa trip, or out for ice cream.  So instead of judging me, put a good word in with the man in red and get him to give me Sophie's latest release, or the box set of Gossip Girl Series three.

No, it's not an original crush I am aware of this.  Every bitch and her dog who has a twitter account claims to love Diplo.  But this is a Christmas wish list and it's MY blog and I can tell you quite matter of factly that none of you sluts love him as much as I do.  Look, I don't really want to throw around the term 'love' but I absolutely would just LOVE to slowly and deliberately take mini Diplo and do bad things to it.  Even if he could just wear my knickers, the one's with owls wearing Xmas hats on it, and serve me up some eggnog then I'd be happy.  *sigh* he is just so dreamy, and he talks out the side of his mouth like Drew Barrymore does. So cute.  Hey Diplo, will you be my little Christmas miracle?  I have an ass you can spin the 1's and 2's off. But you might have to wait until someone buys me that electrolysis shit, because as I said before, I'm broke and it's starting to get a bit real down there.  But then again, you're probs rolling in it so you can hook a girl up.  In fact, you could probably hook me up with all this shit.

Yeah I said it.  Diplo is Father Christmas.

Happy Holidays Owlies!! xxxo

I'll make an exception ...

Check these blazers I got given today ...

Now we know how I feel about beige...but the neon coral strip saves the day. I enjoy how the swoosh is chocolate brown...black would of made them look hella tacky. I tried them on and I think I could rock 'em. Except they kinda make my Size 6 foot look like a 9 - but peeps will know it's the shoe right? My frikkin one and only pair of air force does the exact same thing *sigh* - whatevs, I'm just moaning because I'm married to my air max's. These, however, could cause me to commit shoe adultery.

Thank you for listening x

Owl goes Gaga

Oh get off your 'I'm-too-cool-to like-Gaga' high horse and open your mind. In a sea of black skinny jeaned front men and laid back attitudes towards stage costume, Lady Gaga is just what we need. Her music is OK, (although I now play her album loud and proud, instead of only on the freeway when nobody could hear it) but I was quite frankly uber impressed with her talent, yeah that's right...TALENT at last nights performance. The bitch played piano (which was on fire I might add) with her foot (which was encased in a thigh high black patent leather Louboutin boot) all whilst wearing a minuscule ensemble of black leather studded bra and knickers. But what came through the flames and leather was a voice that I was not expecting. Ms Gaga could quite easily hold her own with the Aguilera's and Houston's of this world. I found myself tapping my foot and getting down like a duck to 'Pokerface' - which I used to hate fyi - whilst fucking dope ass images of the woman rocked the screens behind her.

With MJ's death this year, the music world needs a new 'freak' if you will. I don't mean to sound neg by saying that, I actually think that 'freaks' are amazing and necessary. Hell, some would say that a grown woman of 28 years of age going around calling herself an owl is a freak - for example. Freaks streak through the beige masses with a rainbow paintbrush, and their creative vats overflow with so much ease that it is impossible not to stand back and look on in awe. She is often compared to Madonna, but what she has that Madge kinda lacked in the 80's and especially now, is a certain kind of vulnerability. Gags is very transparent about really wanting to be adored. Which sort of contradicts the whole 'I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks' thing...hmmm. She can contradict all she likes though, 'cause this Owl is hooked! Many are filled with confusion or judgement, which is great because that's what gets peeps talking thus causing hype which sends her straight into the stratosphere - where she belongs. Furthermore, her wardrobe is just fucking BEYOND and her body is increds! Like seriously not normal. Check out the booty...

Daaaaaang girl, I'd be wearing sparkly knickers if I had a rump like that too. Make no God damn mistake.

So yes I bought the merch and yes I am a fan. That tshirt I copped is gonna be tres appreciated by my teenage daughter one day. It will age as well as Angela Lansbery...you just wait and see yo! I even found myself raising my hand when she asked us to while she told us that no matter what anyone ever thinks of us...she loves us. Call me obsessed but ya know what? I believe the crazy bitch.

Yup yup, the purp Air Max's give it a certain somethin some x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente - sept

GLADIATOR SANDALS ARE NOT MEANT FOR CLUBBING - For God's sake woman. They are for the beach, Saturday shopping and brunch with the girls. Not for booty popping to some beats. Plus there is the hazard of people stepping on your toes and also, you just look silly - in my opinion anyway. You're reading my blog, so my opinion counts here.

THERE ARE VERY FEW GUYS WHO ARE WORTH ALLOWING TO CUM INSIDE OF YOU - And when I say few, I mean none. I know you get caught up in the moment and you want to show him how down you are so you allow it, but please girl...get a clue.

TO BE A STAR YOU NEED TO REACH FOR THE SKY - Soz. I don't mean to sound all Hallmark on ya ass, but that pipe dream can become reality if you don't let anyone say you can't do it or if you reach inside and pull out that confidence. It's in there somewhere. But don't get over confident and become a...um, whats the word?...oh yeah...wanker.

FISTING DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE INSERTS A TYSON SIZE CLUTCHED FIST IN YOUR WOO HOO - Please. This is not a circus show.

LET'S GET OUR BRAIN INTO SOME LATERAL THINKING ACTION - Wearing vintage and skinny jeans does not auto make you 'indie', wearing kicks and gold jewellery does not make you 'black' etc etc. One can wear Air Max's, don a leather jacket, with a 1970's floral dress and listen to the Pixies without the need to have a 'label'. Have I confused you?

The only label one should wear is fabulous x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente

IF YOU OPEN A PACKET OF TIM TAM'S, THE TEMPTATION TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING IS FAR TOO HIGH - Therefore, just don't purchase the fuckers.

DON'T PRETEND TO BE ILL OR DRUNK JUST TO GET ATTENTION FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND - It looks beyond desperate and pathetic. If you are feeling attention starved, maybe assess your expectations or dump the bozo. Either way, the whole damsel in distress thing is just not cricket.

NOTHING CURES A HANGOVER LIKE A SWIM IN THE OCEAN - And I do mean NOTHING.

WHEN YOU ARE RUNNING AROUND TAGGING PEEPS ON FACEBOOK, MAKE SURE IT'S FLATTERING - This should be made fucking compulsory internet etiquette. Because I'm telling ya, that shit has karma.

SHAVE YOUR LEGS (NOT IN FRONT OF HIM) - Seriously bitches, they like us warm, tight and SMOOTH. Don't be retarded and get out the razor.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET INVOLVED WITH THE BITCHING TO MAKE FRIENDS - In fact, you'll probs find you make better friends without a tongue that lashes fire. And really, if you are over the age of 25 you have no business talking shit about kids. Grow the fuck up.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING BRIGHT YELLOW KICKS - Don't be afraid of the daring. Be inspired.

Email me with your Q's at obnoxiousowl@gmail.com. Inspire me x

JUST BLOODY DO IT

My steeze for the weekend. Who said sequins are only for Vegas and sportswear is for the track? Bloody love it.