Owls SEX alphabet: G - L

G - is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can't fit your itty bitty mouth around it nor get it down your delicate throat. Humor them please and suck it like you are starving.

H - is for HAIR. Yes. Hair down there and everywhere. Some dudes like it, some don't. In all honesty, I think we have spoilt them. What with the rising popularity of Brazilian waxing, everyone has gone bald eagle in their nether regions. Now it has become expected rather than appreciated. Gee hey, they can be lucky they are even being allowed to visit el paso del pussy, let alone make demands on your landscaping. If you like it all off do it, if you don't? Then don't! It's kinda like how some of us prefer circumcised over non circumcised...we aren't exactly asking them to go into the bathroom with a blade and a bottle of Dettol now are we? Just make sure you keep it groomed and clean...if you invite someone over for a garden party, you make sure you trim the hedges.

I - is for INTENSITY. Know when to turn it up and when to hit cruise control. You can only do the mad, scratching, hair pulling button ripping fuck shows now and again for them to be effective. Otherwise you will eventually run out of clothes innit? The mornings are good for a slow lazy shag but hey, there is no right or wrong time. It's what feels good at the time. But like any workout, you need to vary the intensity in order for it to be effective and to stop it from becoming boring. The worst thing that could ever happen to sex is predictability.

J - is for JIZZ. Sorry for being all obvious about it. But yeah. Jizz. Cum. Load. Happy juice. Semen. Whatever. There are so many things relating to it...where does it go? Back, chest or face? Who sleeps in the wet patch? (you sleep in your own) and WHY have they not made sheets in mother of pearl?!?  NO it doesn't taste nice, but its not exactly intolerable either. Just er...suck it up and get on with it and don't make a big deal about it.  Damn those porn stars for making it look like we love it...WE DON'T!!! Nobody does. We just pretend we do to make them happy BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF GIRL WE ARE!

K - is for KY. Lube it or lose it baby.

L - is for LOVE. You don't have to be in it to win it. Innit.

LETTERS A - F
To be continued...

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 18

FOR BOYS ONLY

ASK BEFORE YOU JIZZ - Mouth/Face/Tits - it's not for you to decide.

WE ARE DIFFERENT TO YOU - Like, we can't stay with you just because you're pretty but you are bad in bed.  It definitely seems as though you are able to date some hottie who sucks dick like a dead goldfish but nah ah...not us fellas.  Moral of the story?  Be amazing in bed.

STOP RUINING GIRLS WITH YOUR FUCK SHOW MIND GAMES - Yeah girls are suckers for it.  Yeah, some woman has probably fucked with your head once before and now you have 'trust issues' ... blah blah, well do me a favour and tell Dr Phil instead of getting under girls skin and then leaving her for wondering and anxiously checking her phone.

STOP WAXING/SHAVING YOUR CHEST! - We actually love chest hair...true story.  It's the back hair we ain't so keen on.  A lovely little tuft on your chest is way better than regrowth stubble.  Stubble is on the jawline, not the chest.  Get it right!

CARRY CONDOMS - You never know when you're gonna get lucky.  And if she is offended that you just happen to have a little cock raincoat in your pocket, then she probably deserves to get herpes or worse...pregnant.

IF YOU GO OVER TO 'WATCH DVD'S', TAKE A BOTTLE OF WINE - It'll make you look great and earn you major points.  Also, if ya feeling daring, take a dirty film and if the mood looks as though it may swing that way then maybe suggest that 'a friend of yours left one of his porno's in your car and wouldn't it be funny if you guys watched it?'  You know, say it's a friends so that you don't look like a creepy pervert. 

Wear a condom! xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-huit

THERE IS LITTLE OR NO SHAME IN ORDERING HALF A PINT - Same goes with spritzers.

YOU CAN'T GET ANGRY WITH SOMEONE IF THEY COPIED YOUR TATTOO, WHEN IN FACT YOU GOT THE SAME ONE AS A CELEB - It's just going down the line innit?

LONDON IS THE GREATEST CITY ON EARTH - Don't argue.

HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO CUM INSIDE YOU - Ever.

YOU DO NOT NEED THE CHIPS TO GO WITH THE SANDWICH - Carb city on the plate meets wobble city on the thighs.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE SIDE BOOB - It's pretty fucking lethal if you ask me.

USE THAT HAND SANITIZER SHIT AFTER USING A COMPUTER AT A NET CAFE - I'm about to do that in 5.3 seconds.

LESS IS NOT ALWAYS MORE - This goes for gold jewellery, bright colours, and oral sex. Fuck Coco Chanel and all her monochrome wisdom. First rule of being obnoxious: there are no rules.

This is being typed from a pikey net cafe in Hackney, whilst jacked up on cider. FYI. x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? - What do you mean you don't know? These are one of the questions one needs to know the answer to in order to realise and define your personality. It goes along with your favourite colour, what kind of music you like to listen to and how you take your coffee. Being indifferent makes you neither here nor there which makes you beige. FYI - I like mine scrambled with spinach and feta.

HEY! STYLE BITERS! (THOSE THAT BITE OTHER PEOPLES STYLE AND PASS IT OFF AS THEIR OWN) - Get a clue.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN A PEARL NECKLACE - Oh get your mind outta the gutter. I know you would assume that's what I'm referring to as I am the Owl...but don't. I actually mean a string of lustrous little beads - it's a classic. They are particularly dope worn with a blouse tucked in a pair of well fitted jeans, with a black blazer and a pair of conny's. (But you really should let him blow his load on your chest sometimes - FYI)

THE POWER YOU WILL FEEL WHEN YOU FINALLY TURN THE SUCKER DOWN WHO HAS BEEN FUCKING YOU ABOUT FOR AAAGGGEEESSS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A NEW BROAD - Believe.

MIX UP YOUR DRINKING VESSELS - I actually took inspiration for this from a friend (thanks Beck) when she told me she drinks her banana smoothie out of a 1950's wide brimmed champagne glass every morning. How chic! To be honest, I've often thought of this. Like how beautifully dodgy is it to drink cheap wine outta coffee mugs? How grown up do you feel when you sip your OJ from a martini glass? The possibilities are really quite infinite.

CHINESE TAKE AWAY DOES NOT ALL HAVE TO BE MSG - Next time, order the crispy duck with pancakes, shredded cucumber and spring onion. DON'T forget the MSG riddled plum sauce. Your welcome.

PLAY IT COOL - Except in bed. Keep that shit searing hot.

xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-six

BEWARE OF TOOTHPICKS - They get the irrit bits of animal flesh out of the gaps between your molars, but they fuck up your gums.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S OLD, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S 'VINTAGE' - Or cool for that matter.

PLEASE DON'T BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HIS MAN JUICE - It's SEX which means it gets MESSY and it's all part of the fun. Just take it on your chest like a real woman and shower afterwards. And no matter if he misses, those 4million count Egyptian cotton sheets go alright in the wash.

NOT ALL SOUTH AFRICANS ARE RACIST - Just like not all Australians have bad accents, not all Americans are ignorant, not all of the English have bad teeth, not all Germans visit brothels when travelling, not all Chinese people eat dogs and cats and only a few Canadians talk funny.

OLIVES AND CUCUMBER ARE THE DEVILS FOOD - And they may kill you. Plus I can't be your friend if you indulge in such filth.

STRETCH SATIN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND - It never was.

BLONDE'S! PLEASE WEAR LEOPARD PRINT WITH CARE - You don't wanna look like a bar maid at the Queen Vic.

JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE YOUR PHOTO BLACK AND WHITE ... - Does mean you are arty. Same goes for turning them into polaroids.

DO NOT POSE IN NUDE SHOTS FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND OF 3 MONTHS - It will all end in tears.

DON'T JUST LAY THERE - Push your boobies together and scream like you mean it.

WHEN HE SAY'S THAT HE HAS 'JUST BEEN BUSY' - It means you aren't on his mind and you should totes forget about him and delete his number. No exceptions.

Hmm a bit random this one. I just type as I think x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente - sept

GLADIATOR SANDALS ARE NOT MEANT FOR CLUBBING - For God's sake woman. They are for the beach, Saturday shopping and brunch with the girls. Not for booty popping to some beats. Plus there is the hazard of people stepping on your toes and also, you just look silly - in my opinion anyway. You're reading my blog, so my opinion counts here.

THERE ARE VERY FEW GUYS WHO ARE WORTH ALLOWING TO CUM INSIDE OF YOU - And when I say few, I mean none. I know you get caught up in the moment and you want to show him how down you are so you allow it, but please girl...get a clue.

TO BE A STAR YOU NEED TO REACH FOR THE SKY - Soz. I don't mean to sound all Hallmark on ya ass, but that pipe dream can become reality if you don't let anyone say you can't do it or if you reach inside and pull out that confidence. It's in there somewhere. But don't get over confident and become a...um, whats the word?...oh yeah...wanker.

FISTING DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE INSERTS A TYSON SIZE CLUTCHED FIST IN YOUR WOO HOO - Please. This is not a circus show.

LET'S GET OUR BRAIN INTO SOME LATERAL THINKING ACTION - Wearing vintage and skinny jeans does not auto make you 'indie', wearing kicks and gold jewellery does not make you 'black' etc etc. One can wear Air Max's, don a leather jacket, with a 1970's floral dress and listen to the Pixies without the need to have a 'label'. Have I confused you?

The only label one should wear is fabulous x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt - neuf

TRY TO KEEP UP THOSE RESOLUTIONS - And don't tell every bugger about them because if you fall off the wagon you have a thousand hypocrites pointing their finger. Just do your best...it's all anyone can ever ask of you, even yourself.

IT IS MAJORLY IMPORTANT TO LISTEN TO THE BEATLES - And while you're at it, go and see 'Nowhere Boy' at the cinemas. It's the story of John Lennon's childhood. Without old music there wouldn't be new music people. Listen to it with respect.

TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE DOWN BEFORE AUSTRALIA DAY - There is something quite depressing about a forgotten Chrissy tree just stood forlornly in the front room after all the hoopla has died down.

GET YOUR EYEBROWS WAXED AND RESHAPED BY A PROFESSIONAL - You will never look back.

ONLY LUKE WARM WATER AND SOAP WILL REMOVE THE SPUNK OFF YOUR FACE - Cold water just sets it like bloody wallpaper paste and hot water makes it even more slimey. And if the bastard got it in your eye...well, that's just unlucky.

RECYCLE AND RE GIFT - I think it was the Dalai Lama that said, 'There is plenty on earth for everyone's need, but not enough for everyone's greed' - vintage and second hand clothes my darlings...it's the future.

2010 is gonna be a corker, I can feel it x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 7

FOR BOYS ONLY

IF YOU LIKE A GIRL, THEN DON'T BE HOOKING UP WITH OTHER BROADS - She will find out and your chances will be ruined. RUINED.

SAYING THINGS LIKE 'SIT ON MY FACE' OR 'NICE TITS' WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR YOU - Actually, I would be VERY interested to know if you have ever said these things to a complete stranger and you got laid...please let me know.

JUST BEING IN A BAND WILL NOT MAKE ALL GIRLS FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU - So you have a mediocre job, smoke weed all day and night, are drunk most of the time, sex text other birds and never take a shower....oh but you're in band you say? Well in that case...

PLEASE KEEP YOUR TOP ON AT MUSIC FESTIVALS - I don't care how long you have worked on your tan and pecs...but the whole top off thing is incredibly self indulgent. We can tell the difference between someone that is genuinely feeling the heat and needs to remove some clothing, and those that are prancing around like little narcissistic peacocks...emphasis on the word 'cocks'.

OF COURSE WE LOVE THE TASTE OF YOUR MAN JUICE ... - Don't you?

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

FOR BOYS ONLY

WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO SPIT BUT COULD YOU AVOID DOING THOSE BACK OF THE THROAT ONES IN FRONT OF US? - We aren't sure WHY you need to spit, but those back of the throat, sinus clearing winners are the most disgusting things ever and put us off you quite a bit.

KINDLY ASK US BEFORE YOU BLOW ON OUR TITS, FACE OR IN OUR MOUTH - A polite warning is the done thing you assholes. Ever tried prying your eye open that has been super glued shut with jizz? That's why we need the warning, so we can tilt our face in such a way that avoids our peepers. All we ask is for a heads up OK?

THOSE NOVELTY BELT BUCKLES ARE SO 5 YEARS AGO - And don't make it worse by tucking your t-shirt in a little in the front to show the bloody thing off. Get over it.

SOMETIMES, YOUR FRIENDS GIRLFRIENDS ARE COWS - Seriously. Girls are more sly than you think - look at your mother for Gods sake. We know how to manipulate and the subtlety of our nastiness reaches new heights daily. When you introduce your girlfriend to your friends, do not just assume that their birds will automatically be her friend. Just because they have a vagina and she is has a vagina and they straighten their hair and she straightens her hair that they will be chums - it just ain't the case. They will be cold, frosty downright bitches but in front of you and their boyfriends they will be sweet as cherry pie, so that when your girlfriend complains about them, SHE comes off as the difficult one because you have yet to pay witness to their fucking rudeness. This doesn't always happen but believe me, it happens more often than not. So hold her hand, check up on her, ween her into the group. Girl politics eh? Who fucking needs it.

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, SIT WITH THE BOYS AND TELL THEM THAT ALL WE DO IS NAG - We're just sitting with our friends anyway telling them how when you finger bang us sometimes, you twist your fingers like you are trying to squeeze the juice out of an orange and you stupidly think we love it. So it's an even trade I guess.

Why do you all have to be so damn cute x

Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing.

OK, so I'm just gonna say it from the start. This is a blog about blow jobs. Now I have to be careful here because my dear mother reads my blog entries. But I did dish out some advice in an earlier entry advising that you should learn to give decent head in order to be somewhat in power. I also then realised that this made me sound like some kind of connoisseur which it in fact...it does. Kidding kidding, look I'm no expert on the subject of fellatio but I do think I might know a thing or two, as a lady who has had very few complaints. Ehrm, OK maybe a few. Geez, this is awkward. Look I'm only writing this 'cause you lot asked me to OK?

OK ... here goes ...

EYE CONTACT - Keep your hair out of your face and keep looking up at him - they love this.

EASY DOES IT - When I say 'easy' I mean 'go slow' not BE easy, because this kind of act should only be dished out to those that are entitled to the privilege. And ladies...it IS a privilege.

USE YOUR HANDS WISELY - Be careful when introducing your hands with your um, mouth because you could be calling curtain at a very early stage.

WATCH OUT FOR FRICTION - I'm only going to ever say this once, but a good dose of um...spit...goes along way. I'm just saying.

WATCH THE CHOMPERS - Yeah ladies...teeth. Most girls wrap their lips around their teeth to protect the gentleman, but all that does is it creates a hard ridge. Just shield your bottom teeth with your tongue and open your mouth as wide as possible so that your top teeth stay clear. Ehrm, can't believe I just wrote that.

DON'T FORGET THE UM, SCROTUM - They love it, they really do. Look that's all I'm saying on the subject.

Yes yes yes, this hasn't been the most insightful bit of information I admit. And I don't want to come off as a some kind of harlot, I'm just tryna help a sister out OK?