Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT - I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki's verse in Monster for such an activity.

MASTURBATE A LOT - Duh!

WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON - See above.

GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE - And make the bathroom mirror look like a painters radio.

PLAY THE MUSIC THAT YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU LISTEN TO LOUDLY - Embrace your secret pleasure! Only God can judge you.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH FOOD THAT YOU ARE TOO SHY TO DO IN FRONT OF PEOPLE - Like put more Parmesan on your pasta so there ends up being more cheese than ravioli on your plate. Murder your mac and cheese with so much ketchup it almost looks like an abortion. Eat the entire slab of rocky road Cadburys chocolate. Shove a courgette up your fanny. You know...the usual.

LEAVE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN - Even when you're doing a poo!

PUT ON YOUR SECRET OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION AND PARADE AROUND THE PLACE - I know you be knowing what I'm talking about bitch!

HAVE 'THAT' SKYPE CALL WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE FUCK BUDDY - Oh don't act coy. Of course this whole list was going to consist of lust, gluttony and poor taste. Our secret behavior ain't so secret 'cause we all do it!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante-neuf

THE ODD DRESS UP/ROLE PLAY GOES DOWN A TREAT - Please note: The nurse/police/air steward outfit is for bedroom only...NOT Halloween. But then again, these are all predictable and obvious. Rather use your imagination and get involved in something he enjoys. Like if he enjoys Star Wars, get all Princess Leia on his ass or if he is a massive baseball fan, wear nothing but his favourite team's jumper with slutty underwear underneath, plus the possibilities for the bat are endless.

YOU CAN'T GET ANGRY 'CAUSE HE HAS A BIT OF PORN ON HIS PHONE - It's only natural. Get involved! Send him a 'self made' video. (only if you are in a long term COMMITTED relationship, else this could end in tears). I understand getting upset if he swears against the stuff yet he turns out to be a sneaky porn squirrel, or if he has a video of a woman getting hammered by a horse...well, actually that's not TOO bad. I'm kidding! Geez.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE THE MUSIC, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S SHIT - For example, I actually cannot listen to metal for more than 2.75 seconds. It's not my personal taste, yet I acknowledge that they are probs talented musicians and their sounds matter to a whole bunch of people. And while we're on the subject, just because you are into the most obscure, weirdo sounding beats, does mean you have epic taste in music. The end.

YOU KNOW THAT IDEA YOU HAVE? - Put it into production. Talk is cheap mother fucker.

IF HE DOESN'T ASK FOR YOUR PHONE NUMBER, IT'S BECAUSE HE DON'T WANT IT - This sad little fact is brutal but oh so true :(

YOU KNOW THOSE LONELY NIGHTS? - Read a book, phone a friend, watch Gossip Girl, write, masturbate, go for a walk, bake banana bread buy increds things on ebay just DON'T FUCKING MESSAGE OR CALL HIM!!!!!!!

Or you could even read older posts of Obnoxious Owl ;) xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante

FASHION MAGAZINES ARE BOGUS - We are now in 2010. In the 90's we were told to dump the leggings and shoulder pads because everyone was so repulsed by 1980's style. Now the same rags are putting it on their front covers. All I'm saying is that you should read these bunches of paper with the proverbial grain of salt. Rock your own steeze. Wear double denim, horizontal stripes and sequins on a Tuesday - if you so please. Those 'do's and don'ts' are for the beige section of the world population who have their creativity locked in a personality birdcage. Let that fly mother fucker out.

LONG NAILS ARE NOT IDEAL FOR SELF PLEASURE - Watch what you're doing with those bad boys.

MAKE SURE THE LID IS ON TIGHT ON YOUR WATER BOTTLE BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR BAG - Otherwise you are in for a truly 'Fuck My Life' situaaaay.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR TAMPON ONCE IT HAS BEEN INSERTED - If you are even marginally aware that you have anything inside your lady box, then fix it. As if the whole event isn't uncomfortable enough!

IF YOUR FRIEND LOOKS LIKE A DOG'S DINNER IN HER OUTFIT - TELL THE POOR MAMA! - It's way worse not to PLUS it makes you a pretty shitty person if you don't. Also, be reasonable here...don't tell her it's horrible just because you don't like it, it should be because it is unflattering i.e. she tried to pour a pint into a half pint glass...you picking up what I'm putting down?

ANAL SEX IS NOT A DRIVE THROUGH MEAL - This is top restaurant, 6 month wait for a booking at $150 a head kinda deal. They are lucky it's even on the fucking menu.


God. I really need to start taking my own advice x

art by: Motel 7

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part trente-quatre

WHEN PURCHASING A NEW CAR, TRY TO STEER AWAY FROM THE COLOUR BLACK - It may look sexy to start with, but the bastard shows every conceivable bump, fingerprint and scratch. Ya need stamina for the ebony hue.

IF YOU ARE EVER CHOSEN TO DANCE ON STAGE WITH THE BAND, KEEP THE SKANK MOVES FOR YOUR BOUDOIR - For example, some ho got on stage over the weekend and tried to get her freak on and ended up kicking herself in the face. Hilarious.

DO NOT DRINK AND TEXT - I'll let ya'll go through my sent box the morning after. That shit will put you right off.

FROM THE AGE OF 25 YOU WILL NEED TO START APPLYING A NECK CREAM - The neck is added to your hands and the skin around your eyes for the things that give away your age.

VODKA AND VITAMIN WATER OVER ICE IS A GREAT DRINK - It has relatively zero calories, it's sort of healthy and it's mighty refreshing. Plus it's pretty chic...let's be honest.

IF YOU CAN'T SLEEP, GET YOUR HAND DOWN SOUTH AND INDULGE IN SOME SELF LOVE MAKING - There is not a sleeping tablet that can compare.

Good night and God bless x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE ART OF BEING DECADENT

SOMETIMES IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO DRINK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE ON YOUR OWN - It's when it turns into a case of wine every single week that it becomes a problem. There is something quite wonderful about indulging in an entire bottle of red whilst listening to some tunes and just getting wonderfully wasted all on your own. Heck I'm doing it as I type this. I highly recommend TV on the Radio, The Strokes or The Velvet Underground for your listening pleasure.

MASTURBATE FOR AGES AND AGES - OK, this is how you need to do it. Get comfortable and look sexy, yeah you are on your own, but you ARE about to have sex with someone you truly love after all. I recommend lying in a sort of up right position with loads of pillows under your head. Make sure you tease yourself a bit first, you would get annoyed with a man if he just went for the in and out so why should you? You need to imagine your sexiest scenario...anything you want, don't hold back. You should never judge other peoples fantasy's. Some might enjoy the thought of a man pumping away at her while he wears her underwear...um, I'm just saying some people, I er...I don't actually KNOW anyone who might like this. Kinda. You need to take a few hours out of your Sunday afternoon and have some precious 'me' time. Figure out for yourself what you like and what feels good. It will make you a better teacher.

PULL A SICKIE - You need to be sensible here. If you do it on a Monday, a Friday or the day before or after a public holiday it looks suss. You also need to be feeling a little 'poorly' the day before, like you need to feel a bit run down and have a 'searing headache' coming on. Then when you call in, speak to your boss directly. Put on a little wimpy sound and a slight cough wouldn't fucking go amiss either. The next day, when you return to work, you will have to be somewhat run down too. Lose the eyeliner maybe...and the blusher for good measure. OK, so you've done it. Now spend the day wisely. Stay off facebook, in fact, stay away from the Internet and turn your phone off. Have a shower, make something indulgent like pancakes with loads of maple syrup and blueberries, put your favourite back to back box set on the DVD player and veg the fuck out. You can't do this too often mind you for 2 main reasons, 1) nobody likes a slacker; and 2) you will get a fat ass.

GO TO AN ART GALLERY/THE MUSEUM/OR A MOVIE ALL ON YOUR OWN - Buy a travelling cappuccino (aka 'takeaway coffee') and get involved in some culture. It's beyond liberating and it's totally inspiring. Plus, it sounds ultra sophisticated when you get asked, 'So, what did you do on Saturday?'...'Oh, I just caught that exhibit at the blahdy blah' ... 'Oh rad, who did you go with?' ... 'Oh just myself'. How cool are YOU!

BUY YOURSELF FLOWERS - They look and smell nice and they will cheer you up.

CLIMB A TREE WITH A FRIEND - Then sit up there and smoke a joint. Note: Obnoxious Owl is not condoning drug use, but this is a realists blog, and realists smoke doobies from time to time.

PUT YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM ON REALLY LOUDLY AND LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR BATHROOM - Primp, Pluck and Pamper. Get rid of all body hair. Apply some self tan. Wash and deep condition your hair. Do a face mask. Paint your nails AND toe nails. Rub body lotion all over yourself, even your tits. Your body is your temple apparently, praise it.

GET SUPER DRESSED UP, GRAB THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF AND HIT THE TOWN - Now, I don't mean get dressed up like a tramp, get sozzled on cheap booze and look like something that lines a birdcage by 4 o'clock in the morning. I mean put on that frock that makes you feel confident and makes your tits look great. Indulge in the most expensive cocktails that taste amazing and make you look chic for drinking them - (I love most things with the word 'cock' in the name) Walk around with your head held high and pretend you are famous and that everyone loves you. Talk to strangers - but don't be a pain in the ass, make new friends and dance like you mean it. Ain't life grand?

SOMETIMES, AND I DO MEAN SOMETIMES, YOU NEED CHEERING UP AND FOOD CAN DO THAT - Cupcakes. They are the food of the future. Think about it...it is a perfectly formed individual cake JUST FOR ONE PERSON. What the hell is more indulgent that that?!

You're welcome x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part un

OK, so I've been around for 28 years now and I've gained alot of baggage (both physically and emotionally) and with it, comes experience...so listen up my lovely's...

MASTURBATE. I'm not joking. Take $40 of your hard earned cash and by yourself a cute little vibrator in a girly colour like pink or lavender. PLEASE avoid those life size, flesh coloured monstrosities, they are not chic and the height of tackyness. Then settle down and enjoy some 'me' time. This is important. You need to know that those feelings you can get from sex are not because of the boy giving them to you, it's because you are a WOMAN with a powerful body and you are doing that yourself. You don't need a shitty boy to give you those feelings. I wish my mum told me this when I was younger so I didn't go through life attaching emotions to dudes who made me feel wonderful when all I had to do was service myself. Then save the good stuff for somebody worth it.

WEAR EYE CREAM AND REMOVE THAT GUNKY MASCARA BEFORE YOU GO TO BED! Seriously, those fucking wrinkles appear out of no where. And EVERYONE knows the eyes are the first to age. It's never too young to start so just do it. Go! Go now! Do it!

WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT. Sod funny looks from people and trying to 'fit in'. You are creative and beautiful and people who snigger are just jealous of your bravery. Do it. Clash colours, wear heels to the supermarket, try that green eye shadow. Why the hell not?

DRINK LOADS OF WATER. This is the truth. It's the best thing for your skin. Every magazine and every celebrity tells you to do it. They aren't lying.

LISTEN TO THE PIXIES. They are the best band in the world. The end.

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF AND PAY YOUR WAY. If you are living at home past the age of 18 and you aren't a student, give your mum some dosh for the damn groceries. Clean the toilet. Make your bed. Welcome to the real world sunshine.

YOU KNOW THOSE BITCHES AT SCHOOL WHO ALWAYS CALL YOU NAMES AND MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL? By the time they are 25 they'll have 2 kids, be in a unhappy marriage and start to look like their mums. This is no joke.

GET INTO ART. There is seriously something for everybody. It's wonderful. Try it.

DONT GET THAT TATTOO TILL AFTER YOU ARE 25! You will hate it. You really will. Your twenties are all about growing and learning the lessons. Do you even like the things or dressed like you did last year? What makes you think that ink you got when you were 18 will still be relevant when you're 30? Think about it baby. Imagine having a tribal butterfly tramp stamp at the base of your back! Yeah 'cause um...it's not like I would know...or anything. So um yeah.

That's all I got for now...stay tuned. I know I seem a bit arrogant, but I'm only telling you the things I wish someone told me.

You are all amazing x