/\CCL/\IM ISSUE 24

It's the issue built around FANTASY this time with Acclaim.  I think the word 'fantasy' strikes a different chord amongst people when they hear it. For some they get excited at the thought of Harry Potter and are instantly whisked away to small boys and their wands. For others it's being lost in a comic book or video game. Others (not me) think 'fantasy' which brings to mind being accidentally on purpose locked up in a max security prison amongst sex starved hard nuts with shaved heads. Ehrm.

ANYWAY

Above is the general release cover with rapper Lil B but even more snazzy is this limited edition number that GLOWS IN THE DARK!

Swedish artist Kilian Eng whipped up this little beauty and he can be found in the pages as well.  This short run cover is available on subscription and in Australian Mag Nation stores only.  Get lost in these pages baby, and not just because I'm telling you to, but because you have taste.

ISSUE 4 of C.O.P OUT NOW!!

My family at C.O.P mag have just unleashed their latest creation. I may or may not have penned a little something for them, but that is not the point.  Who is over those fucking mags with sealed sections and yet another cover of some kind of Kardashian type clone with a photoshop glow? Same hey. That's why this rag is like the girl at school you weren't allowed to play with.  Go get her here

RELATIVE MAGAZINE is back baby!

RELATIVE are having a double launch for their 4th issue! It's just the kinda guys they are. I won't be going to the one in Freo tonight because I am in Sydney working. So far over the last 4 days I have had about 3 hours sleep, went on antibiotics, dropped my phone in the toilet (with someone else's wee still in it) and stroked a three legged dog.  It's just a continuous 'win' over at Camp Owl at the moment. I will however see you at the one in Northbridge so put that in your magazine and smoke it.

(Could someone buy me a new non-urine soaked mobile telephone?)

C.O.P are seeking talent! And I KNOW you lot are talented innit

ACCLAIM ISSUE 22 - Renegade

I am not lying when I say ACCLAIM was the first Australian mag I bought and have grown to love.  The team at ACCLAIM HQ work their hot little ass's off to produce a fresh, innovative and forward thinking bunch of paper.  I am someone that is on the internet about 90% of the time...and if I am, I know others are so the need to have something as tangible as a magazine has become almost old school.  Well I am here to say FUCK THAT.  Other than bookmarking and favorite folders, the net is pretty disposable.  I still need my hard copies for reference, to rip out and stick on my wall/fridge for inspiration or just to make my coffee table look nice.  Take Issue 22 for example, the cover was shot by Yasumasa Yonehara (yeah WOW) and they have a pimping camoflauge print cover for the special edition designed by Hardy Blechman of Maharishi fame (Lollers, I used to have their army pants with something ridic written on the ass...so dope though)

My point is, if you are a fan of low brow or contemporary art, and you don't have the coin to buy an original or just wanna lay on the sofa for a sec with a brew and flick your thumbs through some pages then a magazine should still feature in your world.  It's like buying an art book for a tenner but with decent editorial as well as something to collect and look back on for years and years.  Your kids will love you when you can show them proof that you once knew what was going on.  You not exactly gonna say, 'Hey kids, look through my favorite folder on the lappy and see what was happening back in the day' because they will probably come across your Asian school girl fetish.

Issue 22 is in stores NOW!

YEN issue 46 OUT NOW!

Yes a shameless plug, but I'm a bit proud of this issue because there is more of me in it! Woop!  So, I penned my usual 3 high street blurbs but I also put together (in my opinion) the Top 10 fashion flicks...yup, stylish movies.  And I totally left out the obvious.  Also, check the interview I did with Doe Deere from LIMECRIME COSMETICS - so colourful it's illegal apparently.  Well ... if a lipstick is illegal, I don't know what this fuck show of a blog is.

This shit is Opulent

It's always nice to get props from someone worthwhile, it's even nicer getting it unexpectedly.  Thank you Opulent Magazine for the shout out in todays newsletter.  Gosh, Australians are so dang nice!
Sign up to their very newsworthy newsletter here and here's their twitter

Now you know I don't be kissing ass for the sake of it, so get familiar.

xx

ACCLAIM GETS RACY

It's the friends issue! And I'm their friend. Check it...

New layout and new website too. It's pretty dope...plus that's me on the cover...LOL JKS (joking about it beng me, not it being dope...'cause it really is dopity dope)

Don't just stand there like a cheap prick reading it in the news agents...you need to actually buy it with real cash monies. Not that you need much convincing, seeing as we all love Acclaim. It's on sale now...like right now, right this minute. Get jiggy with it.

YEN ISSUE #45 out now!!

So I submitted my words for the latest issue literally the day after I got back from Glastonbury (there's that word again) and was, shall we say, a little worse for wear. So it's actually a God damn miracle they published them. Either YEN love me no matter what, or I'm actually that bad ass. Prolly the latter. ha ha - just buy it already.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part soixante-trois

PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME - For many reasons, but mainly because the anxiety of them hanging over your head is way stressful. Plus a clean credit rating is a fun thing to have.

KEEP UP THE DIRTY TALK - It's hot. And it will keep him rock hard.

SWALLOW - It's hella less messy and it doesn't taste THAT bad. Don't be such a fucking girl about it! Plus if you do it right it can totally miss your tongue i.e. your taste buds, and hit the back of your throat. Keep a glass of something nearby either way.

I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE, PLEASE IGNORE THE DO'S AND DON'TS IN THOSE FUCKING SO CALLED 'FASHION MAGAZINES' - Double denim is fine. Horizontal stripes are fine. Who the fuck are they?

THERE IS A 6 MONTH RULE WITH REGARDS TO GETTING WITH A GUY YOUR FRIEND GOT WITH - I don't mean ex boyfriends of friends...that is a different matter entirely. I mean the dude who your friend was kinda seeing like for 2 weeks or some shit. Don't just be hopping on that conveyor belt. Sure, she doesn't own him, but let's be honest...there is defs a certain amount of territorial shit going on. I'm sure you can understand? Haven't we all been on both sides of the fence at some stage? Don't scrimp on sensitivity.

DON'T BE A BITCH FOR THE SAKE OF BEING A BITCH - Otherwise it's fine. Like if someone is tryna take the piss, or if the situation calls for it.

Yeah yeah, I know I'm one to talk...that's why I say I don't use it anyway. Innit. x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part quarante

FASHION MAGAZINES ARE BOGUS - We are now in 2010. In the 90's we were told to dump the leggings and shoulder pads because everyone was so repulsed by 1980's style. Now the same rags are putting it on their front covers. All I'm saying is that you should read these bunches of paper with the proverbial grain of salt. Rock your own steeze. Wear double denim, horizontal stripes and sequins on a Tuesday - if you so please. Those 'do's and don'ts' are for the beige section of the world population who have their creativity locked in a personality birdcage. Let that fly mother fucker out.

LONG NAILS ARE NOT IDEAL FOR SELF PLEASURE - Watch what you're doing with those bad boys.

MAKE SURE THE LID IS ON TIGHT ON YOUR WATER BOTTLE BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN YOUR BAG - Otherwise you are in for a truly 'Fuck My Life' situaaaay.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR TAMPON ONCE IT HAS BEEN INSERTED - If you are even marginally aware that you have anything inside your lady box, then fix it. As if the whole event isn't uncomfortable enough!

IF YOUR FRIEND LOOKS LIKE A DOG'S DINNER IN HER OUTFIT - TELL THE POOR MAMA! - It's way worse not to PLUS it makes you a pretty shitty person if you don't. Also, be reasonable here...don't tell her it's horrible just because you don't like it, it should be because it is unflattering i.e. she tried to pour a pint into a half pint glass...you picking up what I'm putting down?

ANAL SEX IS NOT A DRIVE THROUGH MEAL - This is top restaurant, 6 month wait for a booking at $150 a head kinda deal. They are lucky it's even on the fucking menu.


God. I really need to start taking my own advice x

art by: Motel 7

IT'S FASHION. BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT.

Go and grab issue 43 of YEN MAGAZINE and check the words I scribed for them. I've contributed for the last 3 issues and it looks like they are stuck with me for the foreseeable future. Ima Wordsworth kinda Owl innit? x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: THE DEFINITION OF 'BEIGE'

• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin - Seriously now. Could you get more fucking boring? Then there is all that macro biotic shit and naming your kids after fruit and veg...so yes, I guess you could get more boring.

• Having specific nights to do everything..i.e. Monday is laundry night, Tuesday we nip down the grocery store, Wednesday we have sex etc etc Get yourself a life...they're nice.

• Being a scenester and all looking the same, then going to a gig to be 'seen' on the 'scene' and just standing against the wall looking miserable in your over styled ensemble.

• French mani's...or worse...french pedi's! Who the hell wants brilliant white toe nail tips?! (cue attack)

• Missionary position - we've come a long way now people. Although, sometimes this can be just what the doctor ordered - so let's call this more of a 'tan' than a 'beige'.

• Those bloody magazines that have pictures of a celeb (usually Sienna Miller or someone from Gossip Girl) and then they tell you where to shop to get the exact same outfit 'on a budget' - oh my shattered nerves.

• Poland. (sorry Poland)

• Those 'built to plan' houses furnished with the same old shit from IKEA. Then everyone sits on their beige sofa (come now, we know it's gonna be beige), watching Australian Idol, eating dinner off their laps (chicken parma or spag boll with 'fake' Parmesan) and then off to their beige beds to have sex in the missionary position or not at all. This is my worst nightmare realised. (*NOTE: I enjoy IKEA - but we all know what I'm talking about here)

• Tattoo's that are like so fully symbolic with a squillion meanings and the person goes on and on about the different colours and how they thought about the design and how it didn't hurt at all until they got to the boney bit blah blah blah. Get over your beige selves.

• Decorating your bathroom with a 'nautical' feel and putting seashells everywhere. Oh God. It's been done.

• Facebook Status updates that say, 'It's raining! On a day like this all I want to do is snuggle in bed and watch DVDs' - oh wow! What a good idea! Nobody else ever thinks of that...so glad you gave us such a brilliant plan! Jesus, the beigness is blinding.

• Luke warm coffee. Why is it that I have to ask them to make it 'extra hot' these days? Luke warm ANYTHING is just not enjoyable.

• 'All Age' gigs. As a friend once said; watching a band without a drink in your hand is like having sex with your clothes on. It's OK. But it's not ideal.

• Skinny jeans. Vans. a Mo when it's not Movember. Flanno. Beanie (even in tropical weather). You're like so anti everything, yet you're like so mainstream. Like oh my gosh.

• 'Themed' parties. I'm so over them I couldn't BE more over them. Let's all make a 'beige' themed party and go as a slutty nurse or something.

• Finding the perfect 'shade' of paint for your IKEA house. Let's get real...you know you're just gonna choose beige.

• Toast with nothing on it.

• Telling me a long drawn out story about your child's bowel movements. Hey man, you chose that life - spare me the details.

Beige isn't a colour. It's a lifestyle choice.