Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part vingt-dix-neuf

TUMBLR USERS... - Please stop saying 'mine is different 'cause all content is original'. Shut the fuck up. You don't need to ANNOUNCE or advertise what you are. Just be it. Originality is always obvious.

DRY SHAMPOO. - Know it. Use it. Love it. It's life changing.

DON'T BE A DESPERATE WHORE. - When a guy has 'bored' or 'I'm bored' or 'SO BOORRRED' as his status update, it means he is fishing for a little midnight snack in the shape of your pussy. Please do not be one of the 12 comments that says, 'me too' or 'same' or blah blah 'likes this'. We all know whats going on here!

WHEN IS TIME TO UNFOLLOW/DELETE? - a) When you are crushing on someone and you feel the need to investigate every girl they are chatting to. b) When you find yourself feeling tense and/or angry every time you see their feed and you practically have to cut your fingers off to stop yourself from typing a sarky/cunty remark. c) When they make you feel like an asshole. d) When THEY are an asshole.

WAKE HIM UP BY GOING DOWN ON HIM - He might return the favor.

GO TO BED EARLY AND WAKE UP EARLY. PEOPLE WHO GET SHIT DONE ARE EARLY RISERS AND BREAKFAST EATERS. - Good Night x

Obnoxious Owl Tumblr 

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 30 (how appropriate seeing as that is my lucky number in 2 weeks!)

FOR BOYS ONLY

AS THE PHILOSOPHER JANET JACKSON ONCE SAID, 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT'S GONE' - In a relationship? You love her? She can cook, great in bed, holds your head when you're sad and laughs at all your lame ass jokes? However you can't help but wonder if maybe there might be someone better? Guess what sunshine, there ain't. 

MINI LESSON ON WHAT'S A CLIT KILLER: Getting involved in girl beef (not curtains, just general daily gossip and stupid shit).  Over using emoticons. A filthy bedroom. Dirty fingernails. Over using social media with blatant contrived statements you thought of earlier that day and have been waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it on your followers. No job and no desire to even get a job. Homophobia. Lying on your back with your hands behind your head whilst gesturing at your hard dick with your eyes and saying, 'Go mad'.

 'BED SHEETS' HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE THINGS THAT GIRLS LOOK AT - I know what you think I'm gonna say...'no Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle sheets' - you did think that hey? NO. That's fine. Although, they seldom make those kids covers for anything bigger than a single bed so....what the fuck dude? We look at CLEANLINESS and how threadbare the bloody duvets are. Also for girls underwear, used tissues under the pillow and those tell tale white marks. Sort it out love.

WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON HEAD GAMES? - Yeah I know chicks do it too, but you guys are WAY worse. I truly believe it's because you are so scared of confrontation that you would rather us read your actions or between the lines of you not texting/calling/skyping back so we ironically 'get the message'. Grow some yeah?

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM MARS ALSO - You guys apply logic towards emotion which makes you come across as insensitive. Women apply emotion to logic which makes them come across dramatic. We don't know why we all do the things we do and life is all about figuring that out in my opinion. But in the meantime, let's just get naked and laugh about it.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-seize

FACE VALUE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING - There is something to be said about those that wear their heart on their sleeve.  Usually they are upfront and honest as well...two valuable qualities in a person.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Computer says no to passive aggressive cowards and two faced bitches.

FUCK HEAPS OF FRENCH GUYS - They help set the standard for what is acceptable.  i.e. wining, dining and sexy accents.

AIM HIGH - And apply this mantra to everything.  The sky is the limit blah blah blah but no really. It is.

WHEN YOU GO TO KFC AND YOU ASK FOR ORIGINAL RECIPE, MAKE SURE YOU CHECK BEFORE YOU LEAVE BECAUSE THEY WILL SLIP YOU THAT ZINGER SHIT - Serves you right for indulging in the colonel in the first place.

GOING BACK TO THE FRENCH MEN... - Make sure you also fuck one of the following in your lifetime: a black dude, a dude with face tattoo's (don't fall in love though), a dude who would wear your knickers if you asked, a man who you actually love, a millionaire, a virgin (pay it forward), someone at least 10 years younger than you (if you are 26 and older), an artist of some description, a celebrity (proper famous, NOT someone from Home and Away...like we have to know who he is), an older dude, an old crush, a guy who boasts a huge dick, a guy with a not so huge dick and a chef. Make sure he makes you pancakes.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quinze

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU STRUGGLE TO HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND WITHOUT GETTING 'ATTACHED' - Fuck hey. Girls are always giving themselves a hard time over this and it's ridiculous. If you have a good time with a man and you think you like him then THAT'S OK. You're not lame if you fall for him.  You're only lame if he makes you feel disposable and yet you keep going back for more. I know he seems 'perfect' but I want you to think back about that dude you had a mad crush on when you were 16 and imagined having his babies. Yup. Take them goggles off babe.

GET A SHOULDER MASSAGE - Stress carried in your shoulders leads to mammoth headaches. Seriously.

DON'T CHASE THE PARTY - It never comes and then you end up being a narky bitch and everyone seems like they're disappointing you because you had such high expectations for yourself and therefore everyone else.

THINGS ARE NEVER AS THEY SEEM - This goes for...your weight, facebook updates and tweets, peoples smiles, the general atmosphere wherever you are and peoples opinions of you.  I'm not saying you should second guess everything and be paranoid I'm saying you should be open to the possibility of being wrong. As my favorite line from a song goes, 'You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather'

DUDE SEX IS IMPORTANT HEY - So you should fuck like every shag is your last.

LEARN TO KEEP A SECRET - It's like SO hard but it's important. Even when you go 'you can't tell anybody' it actually means nothing because you are only saying that so you a) feel better and b) pass the buck so if that person does tell you can say, 'I said not to say anything!'.  Also, EVERYONE says that before they reveal a secret and so on and so on and so on.  Shit spreads like a 2 dollar hooker.

STOP PRONOUNCING FOREIGN WORDS WITH A FOREIGN ACCENT! - Example: croissant and Cafe Latte. YOU SOUND LIKE A PRIZE WANKER CITIZEN OF WANK FEST. Why don't you have an Italian accent with every word hey? Why only that particular word?  NO ONE is buying your shit dude.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-treize

USE THOSE EARTH BRAND PRODUCTS TO CLEAN YO CRIB - I never used to, but then that ad came on the telly where that bird is mopping the floor with an octopus and he looked so sad! I Google'd that shit, and it turns out that those super chemical heavy brands we use to clean our kitchens and bathrooms totally do major damage to the big pond when it all goes down the drain. This might go above some of your heads because you don't even buy cleaning products and YOU need to check yourself before you wreck yourself you dirty slag.

THE PERFECT HANDJOB - This section was inspired by 'Anon' who asked me how to give a good hand job.   Well my dearest Anonymous, I must applaud you for wanting to please your man. I hope he is out there somewhere asking what is the best way to flick your bean because otherwise the bonehead don't deserve you.  Firstly, no one knows how to give a better handjob than a man. Why?  Because they are all wankers. Literally. The only thing they are thinking when they are beating themselves off is, 'Man! Wouldn't it be handy if someone else was doing this for me?!' So yeah, make sure you are lying next to him and kind of wrap your hand around his pee pee as if he was holding it himself.  Hold it firm enough to get a grip but loose enough so not to hurt him...kind of like how you would hold a water balloon. Kinda. You need to start with slow long strides up and down...maybe massaging his balls with your other hand as you go. The big no no here is for it to be dry...you are not starting a fire so no friction. You can use some KY but if you are wanting to be a dirty little girl, a bit of spit goes a long way.  You have to build up pace and keep it consistent. Not stop start stop start...that's just frustrating for our lucky little man. If you have stamina and can keep up the pace it shouldn't be too long before they blow but if he is being a difficult bastard then give him the 'ol '2 hander' and maybe just wrap your mouth around the tip. Getting your tits out wouldn't hurt because boys sure do like dem visuals. And lastly, look as though you are enjoying it. I mean, I know it can be tedious but a look of boredom and no 'ooohs' and 'aaahs' is just not cricket. Asking him for a bit of guidance and a bit of 'do you like that baby?' won't go astray either.  God speed!

STOP TRYNA CLAIM WORDS AND PHRASES AND POP CULTURE WAYS OF SPELLING WORDS LIKE IT'S 'YOUR THING' - You are irritating and lame. And if you are over 25, you are slightly retarded as well.

I don't know where I get this shit.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-douze

DON'T START AN ARGUMENT JUST TO SEE HOW MUCH THEY CARE - There is this new thing where others just feel irritated by insecure people instead of feeling sorry for them. You see, we all have insecurities and we all have different ways in nurturing (yes nurturing) them.  So if you want to pick a fight just so they can send you message after message going, 'Whats wrong?' or 'Are you OK?' therefore making you feel wanted and desired then you need to sit the fuck down and figure out what will make you happy and sort your life out.

GUYS ENJOY GAGGING - I think its because it makes them feel like their dick is massive. Don't worry, you won't actually throw up but make the noise. They like it. And you want to make them happy don't you? The sadistic bastards.

HE/SHE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH - It's private and none of their business and will only cause unreasonable drama. If they ask, just lie. Serves them right for being nosy.

GIRLS: HAVE SPECIAL PERIOD KNICKERS - Like ones you only wear during your period. You don't go hiking in your Jimmy Choos do you?  Exactly.

BORED, UNINSPIRED AND IRRITABLE? - Get a new haircut. Buy new sheets. Cook something you've never tried before. Reorganize your kitchen. Say yes to the guy who has been asking you out for ages.  Failing all of these? Pack up, sell everything you don't need and move to a new city.

OWLY AND FITZY SITTING IN A TREE!

Turn your little heads over to Ms Fitz  bodacious blog and peep the smut I've done for her here!
It's the only fashion blog I give a shit about.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 27

FOR BOYS ONLY

FAIL PROOF STEEZE - Not enough of you wear well fitted jeans with plain CLEAN white t shirts. Too many of you are still wearing boxers with cartoons on them. Girls like you to be simple, fresh and clean.  Some girls like those dirty ones who haven't showered in about a week and look like they were on a heroin binge instead. Each to their own I s'pose, but I know my kind of girl, and my kind of girl ain't rollin with none of that.

DON'T BE LAZY - We do not see it as a privilege to give you a blow job for 20 minutes until our jaw feels like it does after you have been in the dentist chair for half an hour. The moaning, the eye watering, the watching of the teeth, the remembering to not forget your balls, the pretending like we love it...we do this for YOU. Then when you ask us 'if we want to sit on it' like you are doing us a favor while all the while you just get to lay there and we have to be some kind of pole dancer on a fleshy pole, it isn't really doing THAT much for us. You just look like a starfish with a hard on.

DON'T SQUEEZE SO HARD - We'll squeeze your balls as hard as you squeeze our tits. Deal?

'LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE FREE TO CATCH UP' - If you are into a girl, then this is the line of a pussy. Eurgh, just be a fucking man. Set a date. Be keen but not pushy. Be assertive but not bossy. Pull our hair but do it tenderly. Read between the lines but don't be presumptuous. We don't ask for much do we?

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO DRIVE AND AMBITION - Ever wondered why Donald Trump is macking out with a hot piece of ass on the reg? Don't even get me started on Hugh Hefner! Money you say? Sure it helps to be laying on 5000 count Egyptian cotton when his old ass is jack hammering you, but the cash is a bi product of the ultimate attraction...power. Jay Z did not nail Beyonce because of his rugged good looks 'cause homeboy ain't no oil painting, and Lord knows 'yonce don't need the money. Ms Knowles got excited in her knickers because he is a man of integrity, ambition and determination. Nice guys really do finish last, and not because you have no money, but because you suck on your bong all day watching South Park.

Me and the Fitz

It's that time of the month again, but this time I don't need a Nurofen.

Catch my words on my favorite stylists blog here

xx

I am lost for words. Because she took them all.

Owls SEX alphabet: X Y Z

X - is for XXX. Triple X. Adult films. PORN.  Remember when people use to call them 'blue movies'? WHY? Can someone share some light on this please? Anyway. We have come a long way in regards to this issue. Gone are the days where you had to sheepishly grab your brown paper bag off the counter and hope you didn't run into your nan when you left the shop. Our ever faithful, ever loyal old mate the internet has sorted that right out. I don't know about you, but I reckon when you are in the mood for 'a bit of blue' then you need it there and then. Sod going down the shops and feeling like a pervert. HELLO YOUPORN.COM!  Porn is fun! It's even more fun watching it with someone else. Although I must say, you do want to go easy on it because it can make the 'normal' stuff start losing its effect and turn you jaded. Like before you know it you might find yourself typing 'amateur on casting couch forced into fisting'.  For instance.

Y - is for YELLING. This is actually a stand in of a word for moaning, dirty talk and sex noises. Also I couldnt think of anything else starting with Y. I'm telling ya, throw your head back and sing his praises. But don't scream like a banshee please for THE LOVE OF GOD.  He wants to feel like he is pleasing you NOT killing you.

Z - is for ZEST.  Enjoy yourself for God's sake. Ain't nobody forcing you to do anything (I hope) so let loose. Make the most of it. Go with the flow and use a fucking condom.

BIG LOVE X

A - F   G - L   M - R  S - W

Owls SEX alphabet: S - W

S - is for SEX. Sozz. Nothing wack here...just plain old sex.  I have kind of dug my own hole regarding this blog, because now I have created this online persona of being some kind of sex expert. I most certainly am not. I just know what I like and I know what I don't. And I am just a regular girl, so if I feel this way, then I know others do and because no matter how many times Lady Gaga dances in her underwear, or Carrie Bradshaw type shows there are, it is still taboo for women to talk openly and honestly about it. But then men can just open their little blow horns about it all they want and they aren't pegged as 'shocking' or 'inappropraite'. Bite me.

T - is for TOYS. Embrace them. Be adventurous with them. Collect them.  Don't be scared of them. CLEAN THEM.

U - is for UTI's. Imma tell you this once and that's it.  The fuck show that is the UTI can all be avoided if you a) pop a cranberry tab after sexy times b) have a wee wee c) don't let him put it in your foo foo after your poo poo. Failing these three things means you will be pissing razor blades for a solid amount of time. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

V - is for VAGINA. Look after yours. Wax her. Wash her. Keep her entertained. She's a person too and we don't want her getting all depressed. Only let interesting, thoughtful penis's visit her and keep it tight.

W - is for WANK. Do it on the reg. If you don't know what you like, then the other person won't know what you like. WANK WANK WANKITY WANK X

A - F  G - L    M - R

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 26

SOME DECORUM WHEN TAKING A LEAK IN PUBLIC PLEASE! - At a party a few nights ago a dude who was winning at life stumbled over, whipped his little pecker out and started to pee in a corner right next to us  - the fumes from his 90% beer urine blended with the balmy summer night and it totally aroused us. Then he walked over and tried to kiss my friend. She declined. He couldn't understand why! Then he sat down on the arm of the chair and it broke. All of us started fighting over who was gonna have his children.

UM, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS ... - But putting your flaccid penis in our mouth to help make it hard just makes us dry as a bone. There. That wasn't that hard actually! *pun intended*

PLEASE DON'T OVER USE THE SMILEY FACE IN TEXT MESSAGES - It's gay.

EASY WITH THE WORD 'SLUT' - OK maaaaaaaybe in bed once or twice. But just because we played with our hair when we spoke to another dude or decided to maybe lift the hemline on our skirt a bit, does NOT give you the right to just throw the word 'slut' around. Take your Chris Brown attitude and check yourself.  Dickhead.

Phew. I'm angry today.

Owls SEX alphabet: M - R

M - is for MAKING OUT. Nobody makes out anymore! It's just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as 'pash rash' in this eloquent country), or when you are grinding on each other so viciously you are in danger of burning a hole in your clothes or when teeth sometimes connect? YUM. Go make out with someone.

N - is for NAKED. Guess what? A bit of nudity is involved in the process of luuuuuuuuurve making. Yeah I know. Yikes. The other person is about to see parts of you that you hardly ever even see without the help of contortion and a compact mirror. BUT NEVER FEAR! They are feeling just as freaked out about it! Well...not 'freaked out' but yeah,  stranger is about to see your privates. It's weird. But it's sex. And if you're doing it right, you won't even notice/care what's going on. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. Real sex is not pretty...that's why God made porn stars.

O - is for ORGASM. As in, help a brother out in helping you to achieve one by guiding and softly pointing him in the right direction. Don't be a lazy bitch afterwards and return the favor. You are a vending machine and the other person expects change. O could also be for OCTOPUS, like have you SEEN that vid that went around where this girl put an entire ...um...never mind.

P - is for PUSSY. Don't be afraid to say it.

Q - is for QUALITY. You aren't a teenager anymore. Conveyor belt sex only turns you into an emotionless robot. Aim for quality or go without. Trust me, a rubbish shag is worse than a night in with the two hands that God gave you.

R - is for RESPECT. As well as trust. Sex is intimate and it is personal. You don't necessarily have to love each other, but you should respect each other.  No matter what, there is always a chance that it could turn awkward if the person you are sexing is not your respective boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good helping of respect will ensure that awkwardness goes out the window and hopefully no one gets hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody do they?

(The irony is not lost on me that I write this on a Saturday night. Excuse me while I finish peeling this label off the bottle)

A - F
G - L

Owls SEX alphabet: G - L

G - is for GAGGING. Men are sadistic bastards. They get aroused at the sound of you gagging. But then again, I suppose it does give them the feeling that their member is just so large that you can't fit your itty bitty mouth around it nor get it down your delicate throat. Humor them please and suck it like you are starving.

H - is for HAIR. Yes. Hair down there and everywhere. Some dudes like it, some don't. In all honesty, I think we have spoilt them. What with the rising popularity of Brazilian waxing, everyone has gone bald eagle in their nether regions. Now it has become expected rather than appreciated. Gee hey, they can be lucky they are even being allowed to visit el paso del pussy, let alone make demands on your landscaping. If you like it all off do it, if you don't? Then don't! It's kinda like how some of us prefer circumcised over non circumcised...we aren't exactly asking them to go into the bathroom with a blade and a bottle of Dettol now are we? Just make sure you keep it groomed and clean...if you invite someone over for a garden party, you make sure you trim the hedges.

I - is for INTENSITY. Know when to turn it up and when to hit cruise control. You can only do the mad, scratching, hair pulling button ripping fuck shows now and again for them to be effective. Otherwise you will eventually run out of clothes innit? The mornings are good for a slow lazy shag but hey, there is no right or wrong time. It's what feels good at the time. But like any workout, you need to vary the intensity in order for it to be effective and to stop it from becoming boring. The worst thing that could ever happen to sex is predictability.

J - is for JIZZ. Sorry for being all obvious about it. But yeah. Jizz. Cum. Load. Happy juice. Semen. Whatever. There are so many things relating to it...where does it go? Back, chest or face? Who sleeps in the wet patch? (you sleep in your own) and WHY have they not made sheets in mother of pearl?!?  NO it doesn't taste nice, but its not exactly intolerable either. Just er...suck it up and get on with it and don't make a big deal about it.  Damn those porn stars for making it look like we love it...WE DON'T!!! Nobody does. We just pretend we do to make them happy BECAUSE IT'S JUST THE KIND OF GIRL WE ARE!

K - is for KY. Lube it or lose it baby.

L - is for LOVE. You don't have to be in it to win it. Innit.

LETTERS A - F
To be continued...

Owl and Fitzy sitting in a tree...

I don't look up to many people for style inspiration...mainly 'cause I think they are fucking boring. I mean sure, Kate Moss always looks banging, but style icon? She wears skinny jeans and blazers. UM...how innovative. I mean FUCK she's a super model! Of course it looks 'amazing'.  There is nothing brave about her dress sense, or even memorable. I like a woman with a bit of POW...and Ms Fitz  puts the OW into the POW....

SWOON! I am in lesbian love with this woman. Now guess what? She only goes and offers me my own column on her blog! She asks, 'Would you like to contribute?' Me: 'Um, how about yes?'  So yeah I'm all up in her shit...I will be posting and advising on fashion advice to get you laid...lemme know how you go! Check it HERE.

xxxo

Owls SEX alphabet: A - F

A - is for ANAL. Obviously. It seems more and more dudes think it's on the menu of late.  I mean, it's a pretty gnarly thing to take it up the Jones hey?  Like, we're not actually meant to do that. Dudes just see a hole and they have to put something in it. Once my little cousin put his tiny little penis into a window of a toy train and he couldn't get it off! It took my uncle about an hour of sweat and tears (my little cousins...not his. I think) to get the damn thing off his peanut and guess what? THEY NEVER LEARN!  Some girls dig it and if you do...that's fine. Just don't go dishing it out willy nilly because your bum is most certainly NOT a toy train.

B - is for BLOOD. Don't have sex during your period please. It's fucking gross. I don't care who the hell you are. Sorry.

C - is for CLIT. It is the ultimate 'c word'. Do you even know where yours is? Do you know what gets you off? You do realize that it is probably the most important organ on your body. PROBABLY even more so than your brain.  Look after it and learn what it likes. Then teach others.  Help them to help you.

D - is for DOGGY. - aka 'the best position in the world'.  Also the best position for looking smoking.  However, the one that will cause you to have a fanny fart. Just saying.

E - is for ENERGY. As in have some. Don't just lay there like a wet towel. Even if he is a dud it don't mean you have to be! Still 'oooh' and 'aaaahh' and make the effort.


F - is for FUN. Ha! You though I was gonna say fanny innit? Wrong! Sex is meant to be FUN. This ain't that wack Westboro Baptist Church shit.  No one who belongs to the Church of The Owl is going to Hell because they had some good 'ol 'how's your father' - and if you are part of that dick for brains church then "HI! We're having a better time than you are!" Dickheads.

to be continued...(is this too rude?)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Tips for my teenage self

YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER STOP PISSING YOU OFF, BUT YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THEM A LITTLE BETTER - When you think about having a baby, what goes through your head?  What you're gonna name them, how you're gonna dress them, what kind of person they are going to be, what they might look like etc. Guess what? Your folks had the same thoughts when you were nothing but a nugget and you shattered their vision into a million different pieces the day you turned out to be somebody else.  Nothing prepared them for the person you have become, they are trying to understand you....they really are....they are just having a bit of trouble. Go easy on them, they really do want whats best for you, but only in the way they know how. Help them to help you and try not to go out of your way to annoy them.

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH BOYS YOU WILL THINK THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM - You most definitely are not. Your hormones are dancing to dub step in your almost fully grown bodies and when someone is nice to you and makes you feel amazing when most of the time you hate your life because of break outs, pathetic fights with your girlfriends and dramatic fights with your parents you will become addicted to the person that makes you forget about all that for a little while and you will call this addiction love. Bollocks. It's called 'randy teenage boy who needs to stick his dick into something else other than his hand and/or his pillow' Just be cool. Do it if it feels right and if it feels GOOD. Love comes much later, if ever.

YOU ARE WEARING FAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP - You will turn 25, look back on photos of yourself and long for that baby ass teenage skin.  Stop ruining it with that beige muck that isn't even your colour.  If you absolutely have to shovel it on, at least lose the powder. If you can scrape your name in your face then shit is real and you need to recognize.

GIRLS ARE BITCHES.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS. - And do not think that you are any different. Gossiping does not fall into zones. There is no good gossiping or bad gossiping. Running your mouth is running your mouth.  If you do it, that means others do it and if you find out about it well, tough luck 'cause you do it too.  Jealousy runs riot amongst females and it starts in high school.  Just put a lid on it. Don't text your mates boyfriend, don't snog him either.  Don't 'like' his boring ass status just to get a rise out of your friend and then act all innocent when she inevitably blows her top therefore making her look psycho and you look all 'butter wouldn't melt' - yeah I'm on to you bitch.  You know why boys seem to have longer lasting friendships?  Because this kind of manipulative behavior goes way above their heads. Just play nice OK?  You know tables?  They turn sometimes.

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS IN 5 INCH HEELS - Bambi learning to walk comes to mind. So does 'baby prostitute'.  Avoid these shoes when you intend on drinking 2 boxes of wine as well.   PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.

I KNOW YOU ARE SICK OF HEARING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOUNG YOU REALLY ARE - Enjoy it. Now is the best time! You know why?  You can still blame being young for your fuck ups!  Once you hit the big time the loop hole is gone and you actually have to be a 'grown up' YUCK. You get to make silly mistakes now, it's awesome!  I won't lie, it's not the best years of your life by a long shot, but it is definitely the most carefree.  So go mad! Just don't fall pregnant.  And don't give a guy the ass unless you trust him, because then he'll tell everyone at school and you will get loads of attention and it won't be because of your personality.

God speed x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT - I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki's verse in Monster for such an activity.

MASTURBATE A LOT - Duh!

WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON - See above.

GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE - And make the bathroom mirror look like a painters radio.

PLAY THE MUSIC THAT YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU LISTEN TO LOUDLY - Embrace your secret pleasure! Only God can judge you.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH FOOD THAT YOU ARE TOO SHY TO DO IN FRONT OF PEOPLE - Like put more Parmesan on your pasta so there ends up being more cheese than ravioli on your plate. Murder your mac and cheese with so much ketchup it almost looks like an abortion. Eat the entire slab of rocky road Cadburys chocolate. Shove a courgette up your fanny. You know...the usual.

LEAVE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN - Even when you're doing a poo!

PUT ON YOUR SECRET OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION AND PARADE AROUND THE PLACE - I know you be knowing what I'm talking about bitch!

HAVE 'THAT' SKYPE CALL WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE FUCK BUDDY - Oh don't act coy. Of course this whole list was going to consist of lust, gluttony and poor taste. Our secret behavior ain't so secret 'cause we all do it!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part quatre-vingt-quatre

SOMETIMES THE MIRROR DOES LIE - Like usually right before your period you will feel like a fleshy blob. Your hair will be the worst its ever been, ALL of your clothes will look shit and your stomach will be sticking out like you are in your third trimester. Except, to everyone else you just look the same as you always do.  Same goes for when you think that everything is going wrong and the most menial of tasks become a struggle, it usually just means that you need an early night. A little perspective please.

PHONE SEX - Do it. It is amazing. You don't have to say 'I'm rubbing my pussy' - of course you are! Just give him a little story. Tell him what you want to do to him. Say 'cock' a lot...they love that. Say 'suck' a lot...they like that too. Say 'I want to suck your cock till I gag'...they will probably ask you to marry them. They want you to tell them that there is nothing you love more than having a good 'ol 'suck' on their big (make sure you emphasize the word big) beautiful COCK. Cockity cock cock cock.  Dick is good too.  However, 'schlong' 'cute' 'small' 'soft' and 'snail' should all be avoided.

YES IT IS TOO SOON - Hey, I'm hardly the poster child for appropriateness, but making jokes about natural disasters, deaths and tragedy's on the day or during there occurrence makes you a wanker. AT LEAST have the social intelligence to not put it as a facebook status update or on twitter.  Someone involved might see it and they will be hurt, why would you want to do that? People like you probably piss on public toilet seats and don't clean up after yourself.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU TWEET - I near damn unfollow a thousand dropkicks everyday because of WHINGING. God. Keep it tight yo! A slight humorous innuendo is sufficient for a bit of a vent but making your big 'everybody hates me, I think I'm gonna eat some worms' announcement is all a bit cringey. Same with being boring. Also, if you have about 52 lists and can tell instantly who follows and unfollows you its a bit sad really.  Lord knows it can cut quite deep when you discover someone has unfollowed you, I know! But find out by accident, why trawl and check to see if they are still there? It's embarrassing! Fuck knows what people must think of me on twitter....why don't you write a blog about it? *you can't see, but I'm showing you the middle finger*

BEST THING TO HAVE ON A TOASTED BAGEL ... - Cream cheese and pesto. It's the hot damn future yo