It's Friday and all I need is some titties and carrot cake

Get your tits out for the beats!

LONDON!!! You are a crazy eclectic bunch ain't ya?  SEXBEAT is a testament to the wonderful world you lot live in. Girls with their tops off enjoying music and/or sex.  No need to over complicate things like the rest of Europe, just good old smut but done in an artsy way so it's not tacky. It's what you do best!  Fuck I miss living in that city.  I now find myself in the coldest, greyest place possible in Australia where I am forced to drink endless cups of tea and the boys all have no tans and look like a bag of spanners just to ease my homesickness for Blighty. ANYWAY, I digress.  If I were still there, I'd be going to this exhibition where the girls are topless, the beats are sexy and the beer is warm.  

10 screened prints and postcards will be available to view and purchase from the gallery and then after...WE DRINK! Or you will I guess. After party at Shacklewell Arms in Dalson (71 Shacklewell Lane) - where music will be supplied by SEXBEAT and the rest.  Don't be a twat, go see what it's all about yeah?

www.sexbeatlondon.com

www.eggsmilkbutter.tumblr.com

http://sexbeatlondon.com/

BLOOBS for INSA

Some of you may have seen the infamous photo with the paint on my tits, done by one of my favorite Perth artists inspired by one of my favorite London artists INSA...my favourite photographer BMANCE caught the process on her fancy camera...

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MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS

I'm doing the walk for breast cancer today...like most people, I probably wouldn't be doing something like this unless me or someone I knew was affected. Like I don't give money to guide dogs because I don't know anyone who is blind ... ok Stevie Wonder, but I don't know him personally. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it's life. We don't think about these things until they happen to us. So my Mum copped the cancer of the breast a few years back and she is a survivor...and why? 'cause she checked herself on the reg. Many others are not so lucky. So Owlies, I beg of you...check your bumps for lumps...here is a little 'how to' guide.  This bastard creeps up on us out of the blue...my Mum was only 46 when she found the fucker.  Be sensible and be aware...boobies are nice...guys dig them.

All hail the healthy tit!  (after the jump)

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The things that will make you look like a slut

RIDICULOUSLY SHORT SKIRTS IN MID WINTER - You don't look hot, you look cold and uncomfortable.

STRETCH SATIN - Why not just wear a fishnet bodysuit and get it over with?

TAKING IT IN THE BUM THE FIRST TIME YOU GET DOWN - Come now lassie. I've told you before...keep the party tricks for later...or else home boy will get full way to early...ya get me?

GETTING YOUR TITS OUT WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK - Or in front of his friends.

FLIRTING WITH HIS FRIENDS - There is banter and then there is, 'Hey, we should watch porn together some time'

YOU FORGET THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD SEX WITH - I'm not gonna lie...it's a concern.

YOU HAVE HERPES - Again...it's concerning...for many reasons.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE BABY DADDY IS - I say pick the richest one.

THE PERSON YOU'RE FUCKING IS MARRIED OR HAS A GIRLFRIEND - Check yourself. You deserve better. And so does she.

YOU BEGIN TO REALISE THAT THERE IS NO ONE LEFT IN YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS TO HAVE SEX WITH - Even the girls.

GIRLS ARE NEVER KEEN TO LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH THEIR MAN - Please girl, sort your fucking life out.

YOUR VAGINA HAS BASICALLY BEEN A REVOLVING MAN DOOR AND MORE THAN TWO GENTLEMAN HAVE TAKEN A SPIN IN UNDER A WEEK - Unless it's a one off...ehrm, *cough* cough*

Hey, I know I may cop a bit of shit for this...mainly because I scream and shout about sexual equality for women...but there is a blurred line between being a sensual female who enjoys taking a lover from time to time and likes to explore her sexuality, and being an insecure cum bucket who uses sex as balm for her lacerated self esteem, comprende?

*If you have ever encountered the dreaded 'herp' or the 'clap' then it doesn't necessarily make you a slut. I'm sorry. But if you don't know who you could have got it from ...well...

XXXO

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part vingt-deux

GET YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP - Because without it, you are a moody, cranky bitch and you will get bags under your eyes. Louis Vuitton bags, but bags none the less. Just make sure that you get to bed before 10pm at least 3 times a week. You'll feel better for it, I swear!

FRIDAY!! WOOHOO - SO GLAD IT'S WEEKEND!!! - Oh my good gracious God this is almost as irritating as Tyra Banks. Just chill the fuck out man. Living from weekend to weekend is a complete waste of life. Catch a mid week movie, a catch up with some mates at a pub - have everyone over for dinner...whatever...just please stop with the weekend euphoria.

HAVE AN APPRECIATION FOR OLD MUSIC - Because without it, we wouldn't have new music. 'Does it offend you yeah?' is not the height of musicality - trust me.

IF THE DUDE CANCELS YOUR DATE AND DOES NOT RESCHEDULE STRAIGHT AWAY THEN BE UNAVAILABLE - Um excuse me, you have a life - and he was lucky you were able to fit him in, in the first place. Don't be waiting at his beck and bloody call - you have other things to do...such as juggling other guys, getting your beauty sleep, working on your career and taking over the world. Mr 'I cancel dates with hot chicks 'cause I'm an idiot' can just hold on for a second.

SOMETIMES YOU SHOULD JUST SAY YES TO THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO - No...I don't mean sex with weirdo's, that's just not chic. I mean things like camping, or going to that gig that you aren't particularly interested in. This is when you will find yourself having an adventure and possibly meeting some wonderfully random people. Put yourself out there my darlings.

EVERY GIRL SHOULD OWN A DRESS THAT CINCHES THE WAIST AND PUSHES OUT THE BOOBIES - Well, I mean the curvy girls anyway. Every skinny girl should own one of those bodycon dresses that grip your body. Be unknowingly seductive schweetie. As a woman, you are more powerful than you realise.

Big love x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 6

THE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY TO A GIRL WITH PMS ... 'WHAT'S UP? HAVE YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD OR SOMETHING?' - It is also the worst thing you can say to a girl if she is just in a bad mood. Don't make us want to kill you. Just don't.

TRY NOT TO ROLL OVER IN THE MORNING AND PROD US IN THE BACK WITH YOUR MORNING GLORY - Seriously. Just ask instead of poking us in the back with your willy like you are all manly with your big stick stoking the fire.

CHOOSING TITS OVER SUBSTANCE WILL BITE YOU IN THE ASS IN THE END - Those boobies will drop eventually, and when they do, you best hope she has more beer than foam going on in her head to keep you interested. And don't think that you can just go out and find some new tight ass, because a lot of things on you would have dropped by then as well.

THE FOLLOWING THINGS WOULD MAKE YOU A CHEATER: Sex texting another girl - better know as 'sexting', sending raunchy emails, asking another girl to send you raunchy emails and photos, phone sex, hitting on another girl when you are out and asking for her phone number and then sexting her and arranging to meet up - even if you don't meet up, you have been intimate. So just because you didn't get any pussy, doesn't mean you ain't a bad guy. So screw you and your fucking loop holes.

The last one goes for girls as well, don't worry...I'm always telling them off too x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix-sept

FACEBOOK UPDATES TELLING THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR BREAK UP/CALLING PEOPLE NAMES/ONLINE BRAWLS - ARE BEYOND TACKY - Don't get me wrong, it is super entertaining for the reader, but it makes you look a little pathetic. Facebook is an easy online playground to hang your dirty laundry, but would you say those things and behave that way in person? Because it's virtually the same thing. I have opinions and bad impressions of people I've never even met just because of their tacky demeanour on facebook. Pick up the phone and call your boyfriend, instead of asking him on a public forum who that blonde was he was speaking to. Social networks are great for staying in touch and networking, but you should hold back as much as you would in person...things like arguments, break downs, break ups, verbally abusing someone should all be sacred. All you are doing is making other people feel better about their own lives, because compared to yours, we aren't that fucked up after all.

LUCAS' PAW PAW OINTMENT AND ELIZABETH ARDEN 8 HOUR CREAM IS YOUR BEST FRIEND - The two virtually do the same thing. But it's great for eye cream, lip balm, cheek highlighting, grazed knees, dry cuticles, um...carpet burns, er...chafing, dry nipples and once I used it as lube. That wasn't so great actually. Don't try that one.

DOGS WILL ALWAYS SNIFF YOUR CROTCH WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PERIOD - Yeah that's right, get grossed out, but you know it fucking happens. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that you pay extra attention to hygiene during those days when the painters and decorators are in. That means bathe more you morons.

GET YOUR TITS MEASURED - An ill fitting bra can ruin your entire look. I have been blessed or cursed...depends how you wanna look at it...with DD's. For ages I was wearing a C and I had the '2 boob' look going...you know what I'm talking about. Some hoe's like that because they like to show off their mammary glands like a cat with a dead mouse. But really, it does your chest no favours. Same goes for those that have itty bitty boobies. Stop wearing those God awful bras with those gel things in them...they sit away from your boobs with a little gap and you can see that you are trying to fake them! Embrace your flat chest Kate Moss styley and wear nothing! Or wear those gorgeous lacy little numbers that us girls with massive bazookas can only dream about. Hell, if I had small tits I'd wear sheer tops with nothing underneath, in a cool 'fuck you' kinda way. It really is just as subtle as those that get their generous cleavages out. And I would advise to have one great black bra that can go strapless, backless, and halter...it really is the best thing you can invest in as far as underwear goes. I have 2 and I have a few sexy naughty numbers for those special occasions...puurrrrrrr. So throw out those bad fitting, crappy bra's or just wear them on your head and pretend to be a world war fighter pilot.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part sept

ANY GARMENT MADE OUT OF POLYESTER STRETCH SATIN SCREAMS TACKY - Come now girls. Unless you are a stripper named Cookie, Candy or any other kind of confectionery this is not a good idea. Nothing good can come of it. Very rarely are there items of clothing made out of this ghastly fabric that make the cut. It's clingy in all the wrong places, it runs, it pulls, the hemline is almost always uneven and the big word here is POLYESTER. Not chic honey.

IT'S ONE THING TO BE INSPIRED BUT IT'S QUITE ANOTHER TO BE A COPY CAT - OK, so you have a mate whose style, boyfriend, bedspread and general lifestyle you admire. That's cool. So get a boyfriend of your own who is equally as lovely instead of making a play for hers, be just as inventive in your interior decorating choices instead of finding out the make and style of what she has and go and buy the exact same one. She might look wondrous in that purple leather miniskirt, however if your legs look like tree stumps you may want to rethink the mini skirt and instead be inspired by her ability to dress according to her best attributes. I swear we've all had a friend that slowly started sounding and dressing like us and batted her copy cat eyelashes at our man. DON'T BE THAT GIRL. Ever watched 'Single White Female'?

PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE NIPPLE TUNING - Look ladies, when you make love and such with a man, you are taking on a responsibility. This responsibility is to nurture and direct him towards becoming a better lover. If they tune your nipples like they are trying to get 92.5FM and you don't tell them it does not feel good they will think you fucking love it and continue the trend with another unlucky female. Don't pretend to enjoy it - you ain't doing them or us a favor, just softly nudge them in the right direction. And it doesn't stop at 'nipple tuning'...there is bad kissing, squeezing your tits like they are stress balls (listen dickheads, they are actually attached OK?), slobbering in your ear (it's happened), one night stands expecting the works when clearly it's just drive through and not a three course damn meal and using teeth in any sort of way. Please girls, once you're done with them, make sure they are well trained and enlightened in the art of sexy time.

DO NOT TRY TO CUT YOUR OWN FRINGE - It just never works out. You end up looking special needs. Most hairdressing salons don't charge for a fringe trim anyway, so there's no frikkin excuse you lazy girl.

SPLIT THE BILL - Geez you cheap arseholes, come now....so their chicken parmagana was like $5 more expensive than your garden salad....who fucking cares?! If you couldn't afford to go out for dinner then you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. And don't sit around waiting for your $1.75 change either, give the hard working waiter a tip God dammit! Do you want him to rub your steak between his ass next time? Well, DO YOU? This does not apply if the dinner was a date however, especially a first date and ESPECIALLY if he asked you out, then he should definitely pick up the tab. But if you asked him out well then obviously you should be the one reaching for your wallet and don't be expecting him to pay every time either. A certain amount of woo is necessary from the male, but there does come a time when the lady needs to rise up and pay her blinking way. This ain't the 50's darling, however fabulous that era may have been.

God speed xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part six

YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS WHEN YOU TYPE LIKE A PUBESCENT - Serisly, ittt looks slightly retarded when you's type lik thiiisss. If yOu R )vEr the @ge of 16 & u typppe like yooou R uSiNg yourrr elbowssss *** then you arrre basicallly sayyying you havve had No eDuCaTiOn wat soooo eva **** $$% !!! muppets, I bet you're first word was lol.

REMOVE THE PRICE TAG FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR SHOES - It's all about attention to detail darlings.

DO NOT NAG YOUR MAN - Nothing grinds their gears more than a nagging female. Even the Bible tells you not to (Proverbs 1 vs 1 - 6). Also, it makes them feel like a kid and it makes you feel like an old bag...what good could possibly come from this? Ask nicely once, second time just a friendly reminder...then for the third time shag their best friend - kidding kidding...no seriously, nagging is often seen as criticism, so your boy will inevitably tune out and make what you're saying ineffective. Just acknowledge your different perspectives on whatever the subject is your nagging about. And fellas here's a hint - if you are being nagged, accept your responsibility in creating an environment that has triggered a nagging response. Geez haven't I told you before? We're not your mother.

LEARN TO GIVE DECENT HEAD - You will have him by the balls. (Further advice on this subject will require it's very own blog entry - stay tuned)

WATCH WHAT YOU THROW AWAY IN YOUR BATHROOM WASTEPAPER BIN - ESPECIALLY if you have a date coming over. That may be a red lipstick stain on that tissue but hey...just cover your ass is all I'm saying.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN HAVE TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE - If you have them, you don't need to get them out in order for people to know you do. There is a time and a place girls. For instance, dinner with your man friends parents - not the time nor the place. Filling out a to-die-for Wheels and Doll Baby 1950's frock? - Definitely the time and place. Sometimes the attention you get from getting the mammary glands out is not really the attention we should be welcoming.

Adios - I'm off to have nachos xx