Owls SEX alphabet: M - R

M - is for MAKING OUT. Nobody makes out anymore! It's just usually a little bit of a kiss and then BOOM! straight for the crotch. But what about kissing until you get beard rash (better known as 'pash rash' in this eloquent country), or when you are grinding on each other so viciously you are in danger of burning a hole in your clothes or when teeth sometimes connect? YUM. Go make out with someone.

N - is for NAKED. Guess what? A bit of nudity is involved in the process of luuuuuuuuurve making. Yeah I know. Yikes. The other person is about to see parts of you that you hardly ever even see without the help of contortion and a compact mirror. BUT NEVER FEAR! They are feeling just as freaked out about it! Well...not 'freaked out' but yeah,  stranger is about to see your privates. It's weird. But it's sex. And if you're doing it right, you won't even notice/care what's going on. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. Real sex is not pretty...that's why God made porn stars.

O - is for ORGASM. As in, help a brother out in helping you to achieve one by guiding and softly pointing him in the right direction. Don't be a lazy bitch afterwards and return the favor. You are a vending machine and the other person expects change. O could also be for OCTOPUS, like have you SEEN that vid that went around where this girl put an entire ...um...never mind.

P - is for PUSSY. Don't be afraid to say it.

Q - is for QUALITY. You aren't a teenager anymore. Conveyor belt sex only turns you into an emotionless robot. Aim for quality or go without. Trust me, a rubbish shag is worse than a night in with the two hands that God gave you.

R - is for RESPECT. As well as trust. Sex is intimate and it is personal. You don't necessarily have to love each other, but you should respect each other.  No matter what, there is always a chance that it could turn awkward if the person you are sexing is not your respective boyfriend/girlfriend, but a good helping of respect will ensure that awkwardness goes out the window and hopefully no one gets hurt. Nobody wants to hurt anybody do they?

(The irony is not lost on me that I write this on a Saturday night. Excuse me while I finish peeling this label off the bottle)

A - F
G - L

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part cinquante-trois

DON'T THINK BECAUSE YOU ARE INTO SOME OBSCURE BAND NO ONE HAS YET HEARD OF, YOU DON'T PARTAKE IN REALITY TELEVISION VIEWAGE AND THAT YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN YOU ARE COOLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE - You ain't.

SPEAKING OF HIPSTERS, HOW'S ABOUT THE REST OF US GIVE THE FIXIE ABUSE A BREAK - It's all a bit 'yawn' now innit? It's just a fucking bicycle. Find a new band wagon!

GIRLS...SEX DOES NOT MEAN LOVE - It's 2010...get a clue. It'll save you hours and hours of mental anguish.

DON'T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW - It's tempting to say yes to loads of projects, and no doubt you can deliver on deadline but will they all be up to scratch? Do a few at a time and do them well. Don't creatively whore yourself all over the place.

HAVE YOU CHECKED OUT THE BOYS FROM LASTCHANCE? You should. Dope art. Fit boys.

REMEMBER HOW WHEN YOU USED TO BE SINGLE AND YOU DIDN'T LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSE AT EVERYONE AND YOU USED TO BE...WHATS THE WORD...FUN? - Why is it that so often relationships become the fun police?

xoxo Obnoxious Owl

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 12

FOR BOYS ONLY

YOU SHOULD BE LIKE JAY Z - And you should seek your Beyonce. Girls have game nowadays. They got money, a personality, hustling skills, imagination, most are more liberal in bed etc. Don't be intimidated. Embrace it. Become a power couple.

GIRLS DON'T MIND A MAN THAT HAS A CRY - We just mind when it's over homo things. Like if we accidentally wash your white shirt with a red sock. Or after sex. Jesus. Or if you have a 'crank' ( a cry and a wank)

WE MIGHT FAKE ORGASMS FROM TIME TO TIME - But you sadists are able to fake entire relationships! Whats worse?

DON'T SHOUT OUT HORRIBLE THINGS TO GIRLS - I think this tit bit of advo only really applies to my under 21 readers (hopefully). But I was at a God awful juvenile club on Saturday (don't ask) and a fairly attractive young whippet of a girl walked past and smiled at a dude who was standing behind me, so fuckwit screams out, "Pity you're ugly!". Now was that seriously fucking necessary? Comments like that stay with you for aaaagggggeeees. Espesh if you're female. OK, homegirl wasn't having a particularly good outfit night, I'll admit, but haven't we all? Plus old mate looked like an extra from a 1998 Boyzone video clip. So people in glass houses and all that.

TRUST YOUR GUT AND MAKE THE MOVE - If she is throwing hints your way and you think you may be interested, then ask her for her bloody number! Life's short sugar nuts, she may be the one.

USE A FUCKING CONDOM - God knows the kinda dude that has partaken in that vaginal merry-go-round before you. Sort your life out please.

DON'T BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE - (This isn't exclusive to men)

xx

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway HOMME Part 11

FOR BOYS ONLY

ROSARY BEADS COULDN'T BE MORE OVER - Yes David Beckham kinda looked hot in them in ...when was it? 2001 maybe? But now it's just lame ESPECIALLY if you aren't even remotely religious. It's just my opinion.

DON'T GET THAT GIRLS NAME TATTOOED ON YOUR ARM ... - Or anywhere else for that matter. It's kinda romantic but it's also real silly.

WASH YOUR SHEETS - And make your bed. Else you won't get laid. FACT. And if you are getting laid in an unmade filthy bed...well...those girls need to check themselves.

SOMETIMES GIRLS WILL GIVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT THEY WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU WHEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION TO - If they keep avoiding the subject, it's 'cause they either don't wanna hurt your feelings, or because they wanna keep you interested for as long as possible while they figure out if they like you or not. If you want a quickie, find someone who shares your desire for no strings shenanigans otherwise...don't bother.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS FLIRT WITH YOUR HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND - Yes. All of them.

WE FAKE MOST OF THE TIME - It's not always a reflection on your performance...or lack there of. It's just that the female orgasm is a stubborn little fucker that needs more than a prod to come out of it's hiding place and sometimes we just aren't in the mood to make the effort. However ... some guys just seriously don't know what the fuck they are doing.

YOU KNOW WHEN SOME OF YOU SPEED AWAY WITH YOUR BIG NOISY EXHAUST PIPE IN A FURY? - You might wanna make sure you aren't leaving the petrol station after you just bought a Chocolate Chill and a Cadburys Fredo Frog. Epic fail on the street cred. Furthermore, it's not that impressive...no I'm lying...it's not impressive at all.

Boobs!!