Friday, December 31, 2010

A WORD FROM ME - Like the Queens speech but not as interesting


So here we are. The last day of 2010. God it feels like only yesterday I was waiting for the Y2K bug to come crashing down and clear my credit card! Bloody Hell we are heading into 2011!  Remember back in the 90's when we thought that in the 2000's we would probably all go to work on a hover board, dress mainly in silver and put a tablet in the microwave and a lasagna would suddenly appear? Meantime, we've all gone back to wearing clothes from 1998, buying up the worlds stock of Polaroid camera's and scouring thrift stores for all things of yesteryear...oh the sweet fucked up human irony.

Everyone seems to be banging on about how shit 2010 was and I can't fully agree with this.  Sure, it's been trying! I moved house three times, my bank account has gone up and down more than my knickers...which is not ideal...and my local coffee haunt stopped doing cream cheese bagels! I mean...what the fuck?!

Some great things happened to me this year as well though. A highlight for me was my trip 'home' to London for Glastonbury in June with six truly wonderful people I met here in Australia. Amazing publications such as YEN, ACCLAIM, SOGGYBONES, C.O.P and DRUM MEDIA all sat up and took notice of this scruffy old Owl and gave me a chance. I changed jobs, bought a new car and learnt an abundant of lessons. Some were hard to take and the others were most welcomed. I also met some beautiful and not so beautiful people along the way.

This blog has gone down a very unexpected road. I sometimes feel like I am behind the wheel of a very nice car with a tank full of petrol and I don't know where to go. Not everyone likes it...that is expected. I discovered this year I have a few haters *shock horror* - haha, we really are dickheads hey? I mean, my haters are about 2% of people who read this fuck show of a blog yet here I am dedicating two whole sentences to them.  I have also had the odd weirdo try and hit me up for some raunch-o-rama from the ever so smutty 'Owl Girl' like I'm the next bloody porn star of the Internet or something. Why? Because I write about sex sometimes and I'm a GIRL. If a boy wrote this blog word for word it would not be nearly as 'shocking' or whats the term I heard used to describe it the other day.....oh yeah...'Full On'.  Whatever your view of my writing or me may be, I thank you for reading and for your comments whether they be positive, negative or just plain funny.  I thank all of you as human beings for chugging along in this thing called LIFE and inspiring me to do what I do.  Look out in 2011, I have some great people lined up who want to be involved with all things Owl, and I'm bound to make a multitude of fuck ups which will no doubt inspire me to pour words into my over worked laptop.

But before we go into a new year and live another 365 days of smiles, tears and text messages we shouldn't send, I urge you to go into it with a clean slate. A blank canvas if you will.  Like I said at the beginning of this post, people are looking to days gone by. The urge to get back to basics and a simplified life is becoming more and more alluring as we find ourselves teetering on the edge of the slippery slope of the 'iLife'.  So my babies...resolutions will be broken, you will probs eat KFC on the third day of your diet, and you will fuck someone you shouldn't. But before you jizz all over your sheets, at least put clean one's on first. The word you should be looking for on this last day of 2010 is the word DELETE.

START WITH YOUR PHONE, EMAILS AND SOCIAL NETWORKS - Go to your message section, and hit 'delete all in inbox'. You don't need them.  YOU DON'T.  You'll probably drop your phone down the toilet tonight anyway.  Clean phone means clean mind.  Delete all your emails in your inbox and file away the ones that need replies, or here's a thought why not REPLY?  Delete boys/girls names you shouldn't be texting such as those who have girlfriends/boyfriends, those that do not have your best interests at heart and those that are dud roots but you keep them on tap for those nights when you're feeling lonely. Go spend some $$ on a decent dildo or if you're a dude, get those lip things you can wank with that feels like the mouth of a sweet young thing.  Both are better alternatives to something that is just a sex aid with a pulse.

If you feel the need to 'cull' your friend list on FB then do it, and choose who you follow on twitter wisely.  Why follow that dumb bitch who you only follow because she irritates you and curiosity is what keeps you from clicking the unfollow button?  Why follow dumb ass celebs who just retweet everything their shit fans say about them?  A clean following is a clean mind.

YOUR WARDROBE - If you haven't worn it in over a year, you ain't ever gonna.  If it needs repairing chuck it...if you haven't done it yet, it means you didn't really care that much.  If you are waiting to fit back into it again, get it out of your life.  It's just sitting there making you feel bad about yourself.  Throw away period stained knickers (sorry boys, turn away now if you like) and bra's that don't fit or their under wire is sticking out and near damn stabs you in the ribs every time you wear it.  Throw away odd socks. Sell or give away shoes that hurt you. Streamline your fashion life baby. You will feel better for it. Belee dat.

YOUR CAR AND YOUR HOME - Does your car look like a bad day in Bosnia?  Empty MacDonald wrappers? Those paid parking receipts that are turning yellow and making your dashboard look like flaky pastry? Clean it you dirty whore! And furthermore, empty your bathroom bin. People judge you by the state of your bathroom.  In fact, you will always be judged by the following: The state of your bathroom, your skirt length, chipped nail varnish on your toes, the first smell that hits their nostrils when they first walk into your house and if you say the word 'cunt' a lot.  So don't be a filthy cunt and give the place where you dwell a good old clear out.  You will feel better. I promise.

YOUR MIND AND ATTITUDE - People are gonna hate. It's up to you if you are gonna let it affect you.  Remember: You were not born with insecurities, low self esteem, a short temper or a personality of beige wallpaper. These things were nurtured over the course of your life through interactions with your fellow man.  You will come across assholes. This is a fact of life. Do not let them make you bitter. But I have to stress, SOMETIMES you may be the asshole. So when someone seems as though they are 'attacking' you...first listen to it. Digest it. Feel it in the pit of your stomach and decide f it's the truth. If it is...then digest it and let it nourish you into becoming a better person, and f it isn't? Stick your finger down your throat and rid yourself of all negative feedback.  Then slap the cunt in the face. LOL...no don't do that...just move on and erase them from your mind.  Someone loves them, it just doesn't have to be you. And that's OK.

Remember the key word: DELETE. It doesn't mean you are running away or turning your back, it just means you are making room for new experiences, new people and new bodily fluids. If your house burnt down right now, with all your photos, your computer, your phone, your little keepsakes and other nostalgic dust collectors then all you have left is your MIND. And your genitals....so you can hock your box for a new iPad. But seriously, anything worthwhile will be safely stored in your brain because it was important enough to be remembered. And any feelings of guilt, jealousy or anxiety should be metaphorically burnt to the ground as well.  Take truth from it and move on.  Control Alt DELETE.

And always remember: Up the bum means no babies.  Just use a fucking condom.

 G'BYE 2010, HOLLA AT YA 2011!!!
XXXO

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fab advice as always!

N. said...

Thanks for the words of advice in 2010, Owl. Stay gold, African queen.

Obnoxious Owl said...

:)

Sofie said...

I'm a silent enjoyer of your blog and I check it at least every other day.
It makes me laugh out loud with empathy and for 90% I agree with how you react to things. People being assholes, and from time to time, having to admit my 'colorful' attitude isn't allways bringing the fun I intend it to be.
It's comforting for, well let's say, quite an adhd and 'out there - in here' girl myself.
Thanks for 2010 and keep it up in 2011 !
Greetings from Belgium !
X

aDeLiNe said...

Love ya! Happy New Year!!!

eriks said...

Wow, we should definitely have a discussion about this "full on" shit because I suspect we have the same er, "problem" and to us it's just normal.
Personally, hearing that you have haters is absolutely amazing to me and means from here on out I will never care if anybody says shit about me. If people can hate you, then there's just no pleasing people, full stop. Jus saying. Happy new year babes, so glad to make your 'quaintance in 2010. x o

Daphne Le Lyra said...

Happy new year there ya!
u knw i always check out ur blog to get some advice..u really makes a pretty cool advice...luv it!
ur blog realy intresting n i wish more to come frm u tis yr...
all d best ya!
xoxo!

Ms Fitz said...

I'm a notorious people culler.
But as a result I have incredible friends in my life coz I want them there. Because they are life giving, loving and supportive. No time for bitchin' or hate! Just get rid of 'em!

Sundari said...

Wow, looks like you have had one mighty year. And yes a good clean out is in order this year me thinks.

Obnoxious Owl said...

I love clean slates! x