Monday, October 19, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part huit

MAKE YOUR APARTMENT A NICE PLACE TO LIVE - I seriously believe the place in which you dwell is one of the many reflections of you. So you have dishes gathering mould, a smelly bathroom, ugly furniture and dust on every conceivable this a reflection of yourself you are willing to put out there? Thought not. Clean up you dirty mare. Purchase some fabulous retro furniture from second hand shops and paint it wonderful colours or if that doesn't butter your bread then hit that Swedish giant IKEA, they sell nice lampshades and rugs for like 50 cents or something. You can get scented candles and BAM ALL PURPOSE CLEANER for a $1 at The Reject Shop. Just for the love of all that is sanitary CLEAN UP! If you have nice photos then put them on display. If you can paint or draw then get creative my darlings and put something marvelous on your walls. If you live somewhere that even you don't want to be, then how can you expect to receive any visitors? Come now, you know it makes sense.

PAINT YOUR TOENAILS AND KEEP YOUR FEET LOOKING SEXY - OK, so you want to wear gorgeous summer sandals and flip flops but your feet look like train wrecks? You go right ahead sunshine, that just means more boys for me!

DO NOT PRETEND TO LIKE THE SAME THINGS THE BOY YOU ARE CRUISING DOES. HE WILL FIND OUT. - So you love football, Dan Brown, Radiohead and surfing too? Yeah right. Just be yourself you desperate whore.

DO NOT BE THE ONE TO WHIP OUT THE CONDOM FOR THE FIRST TIME - Right, so you are a single girl with a drawer full of rubbers? Look, I'm all for safe sex - quite frankly there is no other way - but nothing screams 'slut bag' if you have a little stash of penis raincoats by your bedside table. He should be the gentleman and provide the precaution. And if he was not carrying any on him this could mean two things; a) He probably never uses one and therefore there is a very high chance he has 'knob rot' and you probably should not be doing sexual acrobats with him anyway; or b) He might have been trying to be a gentleman and wanted to wait a while before you got your freak on then you just went and ruined it by jumping the sexual gun. I'm telling ya, it's tricky stuff this first time business.

LEARN TO CHANGE A TIRE, KILL YOUR OWN SPIDERS AND DO YOUR TAXES - Come now girlies, there were a bunch of broads way back when who burnt their brassier's for us. We get bikini waxes for God's sake...WE'RE TOUGH! Being independent is sexy, so stop looking like some feeble little fairy who can't do anything. ALTHOUGH, if you are trying to snag a particularly beautiful creature in the form of a man sometimes a little 'Oh dear knight, please rescue me' tactic can sometimes come in handy. But please do it in such a way that does not make you look fucking stupid. Tough call I know, but you are a clever bird, you can figure it out.

AVOID THOSE FAKE PRADA, GUCCI AND LOUIS VUITTON BAGS FROM ASIA - They suck. End of story. Yes, you can hardly tell the difference and yes, no one will know. But YOU will know. There is more dignity in carrying around a $2 tote from a grocery store than there is in a fake $1200 LV clutch you got for 50 bucks. What exactly is the message you are trying to convey here? Just wait for the real thing sugar, it will be worth it. A bit like love.

No comments: