Sunday, October 25, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part neuf

DO NOT PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS, CUT YOUR TOE NAILS OR BUY TAMPONS IN FRONT OF HIM - Are you actually trying to ruin your life? What the flaming frank are you trying to do here? In boy land we are all mystical creatures, and they really do hope that we never do anything disgusting. Some of you might be reading this and thinking 'Yes but we've been together for ages and I feel comfortable doing that stuff in front of him' - hmm, I just think you no longer care what he thinks. Pull up your socks or you could be heading for 'Rut City'.

NOT EVERY BODY'S STATUS UPDATE ON FACEBOOK IS ABOUT YOU - Get over yourself. It is the height of passive aggressive behaviour to drop subtle hints on a social network that you have beef with someone anyway.

TRY TO LOVE YOUR BODY - Buy a body lotion that smells nice. Shave your legs and do one of those face mask thingo's (not in front of him for God's sake). Eat your greens and take the stairs. Chill on the booze once in a while and wash your hair.

WHEN YOU ARE OUT TO DINNER WITH SOMEONE, PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE AWAY - I'm not going to say much on the subject other than it is fucking rude to sit text messaging someone while the poor soul just chews their food politely waiting for you to finish your boring, mundane text conversation. They will never tell you that they think you are being socially retarded. They will just say, 'Oh, it's fine' if you say, 'Sorry about this, just got to reply quick'. (I on the other hand WOULD tell you, but I can be obnoxious like that). Just take a turn onto 'Manners Street' please.

LEAVE OTHER WOMAN'S BOYFRIENDS / CRUSHES / HUSBANDS ALONE - Because failure to do so, makes you a bit of a c*nt. Yeah...a c*nt.

IF THE ONE PERSON YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HAPPENS TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND THEN THERE IS A PROBLEM - Come now darling, stop kidding yourself. The only thing that differentiates our boyfriend from the boys that are our friends is that you have sex with your boyfriend.

LEARN TO ACCESSORISE - They are the icing and sprinkles on the cupcake, and like cupcakes, it's all about the decoration that makes you look so tempting. A beautiful necklace or a dope headscarf could make a $10 vintage dress look fresh. But you have to pick's the shoulder duster earrings OR the heavy chain neck adornment. Accessories are all about statement darling, so you can't have too much going on. If you are going to spend a whack of dosh on your wardrobe, spend it on handbags and shoes. These 2 things will make the cheapest outfit look like a million bucks. Whilst a tacky pair of shoes can make a Marc Jacobs frock look like K-Mart.

Good night and God bless x


Anonymous said...

LOLL your first point - 'dont pluck your eyebrows...'etc reminds me of my boyfriend. He always tells me when he has to do 'number 2s' but if i ever rarely say it, he says 'girls dont poo!' or 'girls dont fart!' and once (cant believe im saying this) I had a pimple on my tush and I told him, cause it really hurt! And he said the samee old thing - 'girls do not get pimples on their bums,' yet he showed the one on his a few weeks ago hahaha theres my 2 cents :) x

Tam Tam said...

That is hilarious! xx

Young Mind said...

I love your relationship advice; I wish I could get you to fully analyse my own failing relationship, although I think I do enough analysing as it is :(

more posts, please!

Tam Tam said...

Oh darling young mind, I think deep down we always know the truth :( It took me six years to fully analyse mine. Be happy x