Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part dix



BE CAREFUL OF HOW YOU ARE PORTRAYED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB - So let's get this straight. Your by line on your Myspace page says, 'HI-LIFE,RIDE-LIFE,RICH-LIFE,BITCH-LIFE [[fuck the pretenders, EARN RESPECT]]' next to a photo of you dressed in your knickers taken by yourself in the mirror of mummy and daddy's en suite bathroom? Do you understand the word 'I.R.O.N.I.C' - or do I have to explain it to you? Yup, thought so. The irony of this little situation is that you want to be respected yet you are acting like an online slut bag. Clear enough for ya? I have seen many a profile of individuals which give the illusion (and believe me, it IS an illusion) of being this independent, creative and sexual being, yet in real life I know them to be quiet as a mouse, still living at home and are just your bog standard wall flower. Instead of figuring out html code, building your account on photobucket and taking angle shots of your boobies go out and get a life. And if you absolutely must take those photos of you in the mirror, make sure you've cleaned it after squeezing your spots.

DO NOT BE SCARED TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON YOUR OWN - I swear there is something liberating about it. It's like you are just having a moment with the story and yourself. Don't tell anybody you are going, switch your phone off and forget about everything for 2 hours. No one in the entire world will know where you are or what you are doing for those few hours. There is a certain dignity to it.

DON'T SEND NAUGHTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF OR VIDEO'S - These things have the habit of biting you in the ass. OF COURSE the dude is going to show his friends, why the hell wouldn't he? What makes you so special? If he is asking for them, trust me, he has bad intentions. Just don't do it.

FIND YOUR SIGNATURE SCENT - People never forget a smell.

GET A PAP SMEAR, HAVE YOUR BOOBS CHECKED FOR WEIRD LUMPS AND IF YOU MESS AROUND WITH A BOY - GET AN HIV TEST - Welcome to the 21st century sweetie. You just sound stupid when you say you are creeped out by having your nether regions checked. This little thing we have called life is fragile. Sometimes when you are feeling really sad you may feel like dying, but if you're being honest, you love being alive and you love everyone around you (most of the time). Choose life and be healthy honey bun x

DON'T MAKE PEOPLE TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY VISIT YOU - Who the flying frikkin fudge do you think you are exactly?! Do you not own a vacuum cleaner? Do you think you live in Buckingham Palace or something? Some people might have weird feet and might not want you to see them, and now you have just made your guest feel all uncomfortable and stuff. (NOTE: I do not have weird feet! It's just a 'for instance'). It is possibly THE most pretentious thing to ask of someone, and if you ask me I wont do it. I just wont.

Be happy x

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Taking off your shoes before entering someone's house is customary in certain cultures...

Tam Tam said...

Come now, let's not be silly. We both know what I'm talking about here.

Raptor said...

this blogs a crack up! i love it, keep up the posts!

Tam Tam said...

Thanks for loving the owl Raptor x

Anonymous said...

According to my religion, shoes can not be worn in the house. So you can either shut up and deal with it, or get kicked out.

Obnoxious Owl said...

Hmm, yeah except I live in Western Australia, therefore do nt have many friends who are part of such religion...and whilst I would be perfectly respectful of another religion I would tell Mr and Mrs Smith of no religion who just don't want their new carpets to get dirty to get over themselves. Come now darling, you know perfectly well in which context that was written.