Sunday, November 8, 2009

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway. Part treize

LAUGHING AT BIG ISSUE SELLERS IS JUST NOT COOL - In any shape or form. OK, SOMETIMES they say 'Big Issue' a bit funny, and yes it can be amusing but I actually saw two little teenage dregs of human pointing and laughing at an old man trying to sell this bloody magazine. Jesus, it's making me angry just typing this. I hope that they end up in the same position but instead of someone just laughing and pointing, I hope they get pissed on.

YOU REALLY DO NEED TO WAIT FOR YOUR HAIR TO DRY BEFORE YOU STRAIGHTEN IT - That sizzling sound ain't good for your barnet sugar. You are burning it. Not drying it. This is why half of those plastic girls with poker straight burnt hair look like they have roadkill on their heads. Your hair should sway and blow in the breeze, not stay dead still on your head like a run over squirrel.

SPEND A FAIR AMOUNT ON A GOOD HAIRCUT - Get it right the first time, then go to the cheaper places for maintenance. Your hair is the curtains and your face is the window. Everyone comments on the curtains before they look out the window. You get me?

IF YOU DON'T LET HIM HANG OUT WITH THE BOYS, THE BOYS WILL TRY TO ELIMINATE YOU - Seriously. The male bond is a strange thing, but they love it, so do not try to destroy it. If you become the 'bitch girlfriend' of a friend who 'used to be so much fun until he met blah blah' then they will whittle you down until he either dumps you, or you just end up feeling bullied. Make an effort with them, yeah some of them will be annoying and others may even hit on you...but if you love your man, you will need to understand that he loves his friends - even if you would rather stick a fork in your eye than play nice...just let them be.

IF YOU ARE A SIZE 14 OR WEIGH MORE THAN 70KG YOU CANNOT WEAR SPANDEX, SHORT TIGHT SKIRTS OR MIDRIFF TOPS - Look darling, I'm not even saying that you are fat. But you aren't Twiggy either and whilst this may look good on your friend, sadly, it does nothing for you. Your skinnier companions may be dying to wear those corset style dresses or even fill a C cup, but that ain't gonna happen neither. I've said this before, dress to hide your flaws and show off your assets. I saw a girl in a dress tonight that looked like someone tried to stick a stamp onto a watermelon.

IN THIS LIFE, YOU GET 'ENERGY PROVIDERS' OR 'ENERGY DRAINERS' - There will always be someone waiting in the wings to shit on your parade. You may think that someone who praises you all the time and strokes your ego is a energy provider, but you would be thinking wrong. These are people pleasers. And what people pleasers do, is they tell you how everything you do is just wonderful, even when it is bad for you, therefore you will drown in your own wrong doings that were coaxed on by a wolf in energy providers clothing. Now an energy provider will be there for you when you need them...not by carrying you and doing if for you, but by being your training wheels on the bike of life that you are learning to ride yourself. An energy provider will laugh and celebrate in your triumphs and tell you when you are being an asshole in the nicest way possible. Basically, they want to see you be the best you can be. Now go and sort through the people you surround yourself with and carefully divide the weak from the strength, the men from the boys, the sweet from the sour. The Lyndsay Lohans of this life need to do what they do best, and suck their parents dry. Not you.

You know it makes sense x


Sundari said...

'stick a stamp on a watermelon' hahaha! I love it. It's so true, sometimes you just cringe when you see girls in denial.

T said...

I had too google what a Big Issue was (I don't think we have it in NZ), and the fact that people are laughing at the people who sells them breaks my heart :(

Love the advice very much :]

Obnoxious Owl said...

I know right? Who does that! Love to New Zealand x