Thursday, July 29, 2010

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's my birthday and I'll advise if I want to


With my pending birth nuptials tomorrow, I am feeling pretty 'meh' , thus causing me to write. I'm turning 29, which means it's almost the end of my twenties which means I will soon no longer be a 'pretend' adult and have to be a real one. Imma have to get used to the number 3 pretty damn soon innit? Here are 29 things I have learnt ...



  1. NOBODY WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU OPT FOR CUTLERY - I never quite got the hang of chopsticks.

  2. IF HE CAN'T GET HARD THE FIRST TIME, DUMP HIM - Brutal, but you know it makes sense.

  3. THE 'ADVICE' IN FASHION MAGAZINES ARE WRITTEN BY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BORING BITCHES WITH ZERO IMAGINATION - Except for Vogue. And Yen - because I am doing the writing for that one. Contradiction you say? Fuck off, it's MY blog.

  4. PARTY HARD - As long as its not hurting anyone and you're having a good time. And go easy on the party favours.

  5. START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - Getting sexy new things is dope, but being broke ain't sexy.

  6. USE EYE CREAM - Prevention is way better than the fuck show that is botox.

  7. MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR GUT INSTINCT - And not based another persons agenda. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU. And God - and not even he speaks up when you most need him.

  8. STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU - Even if it's just one email a year, it makes the difference.

  9. IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN, GET OUT EARLY - Don't stretch it to longer than a year. And when I say doubts I mean life changing doubts, not doubts about curtain colours.

  10. DON'T LIKE YOUR JOB? - Change it. It really is that simple and you know it.

  11. DON'T BE AFRAID OF HARD WORK - And don't let hard work fuck you.

  12. TRY NOT TO OVER ANALYSE EVERY FREAKIN MOVE - Risks are good for the soul. Well, maybe not for the soul, but they make you hella less boring.

  13. MOISTURISE - Dude, I'm serious. Shit gets real if you don't keep that shit smooth.

  14. YES GIRLS, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS FEMALE EJACULATION - If homeboy is able to make you squirt...he's a keeper.

  15. SO YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND/MORTGAGE/KIDS - AND YOU ARE ALMOST 30? - *round of applause* you've obviously been having a life. And you do have all those things? Ditto. Different strokes for different folks peeps.

  16. YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE THE SKIN YOU'RE IN - Plus you will learn to rock the hell out of it.

  17. WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? Nobody. That's who.

  18. HAVE LOTS OF SEX - Lots.

  19. YOUR FOLKS AREN'T PERFECT - It doesn't make them bad people it just makes them people. You aren't meant to be under their wings forever anyway. Fly my babies...FLY!

  20. GET RID OF DEAD WEIGHT - And by weight I mean physical as well as any people clutter you may have hanging around. You are allowed a certain amount in your twenties, but near the end you need to start doing some emotional/physical/people spring cleaning yo!

  21. TRAVEL - Going to resorts in Bali/Phuket/Mauritius/Mangaluf/Benadorm don't count. Yes, fight me on this all you want - care factor: zero

  22. USE A FUCKING CONDOM - For the love of God and unwanted pregnancies/genital disease.

  23. TATTOOS ARE FINE - Just don't choose dumb ones and don't be hasty.

  24. FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT - And pimp the life out of it. You were meant to, it's why you have the talent! Singing/drawing/writing/painting/selling stuff/teaching/creating/being good with kids/being good with animals/blow jobs/making people laugh/dressing well/doing fancy things on the internet (not making DIY porn with an unsuspecting other) - whatever it is ... just do it.

  25. DRESS TO IMPRESS - If for no other reason than it is alot of fun.

  26. READ THE PAPER, WATCH THE NEWS - We live in a fucked up world, and it's better the devil you know.

  27. BEING A RACIST OR A HOMOPHOBE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE - Like, it will totally get you voted off the island.

  28. GET RID OF YOUR 'TYPE' AND BE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES - Broaden your horizons, there are many undiscovered treasures out there in the form of some quite wonderful people. And be aware, there are also a fair few cunts.

  29. LIFE ISN'T A RACE, IT'S A MARATHON - A 19 year old said this to me a month ago. Go Figure.

6 comments:

greta said...

ahhhh, that was so good.

ElectronicRainbow - sickly sweet said...

Best thing I've read in quite a while!

Fiona said...

Definitely one of my favourites :) and happy birthday tomorrow. (and happy birthday to me too, we're exactly a decade apart which is kinda crazy)
Have a fab night and party hard x

Obnoxious Owl said...

millions of kisses x

Rosa said...

Happy birthday for ages ago!

Also, thank you for giving me about five minutes of delighted daydreams. "Alot of fun"!
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

I'm sorry. It was just too fantastic to miss.

Obnoxious Owl said...

wowza...I thought I was going alright with my following then I peeped yours! You are rulin x