The Vagine.

Look after your box and she will look after you.

CRANBERRY JUICE/CAPSULES/ETC - Every single time you get your groove on you need to neck some of this red fruited wonder food in any shape or form.  I know I keep reiterating but I STILL get emails from girls telling me they are pissing razor blades. Developing a UTI is no laughing matter girls, it is almost not worth having sex. Almost.  The next time you are sitting on the toilet wishing you could cut out your bladder and throw it at someone I want you to think of me saying 'I told you so'.

WAX IT OR LAZOR IT - Shaving is mad. OK, SOME of us have Mediterranean blood doing the conga through our veins so shaving is like asking for a cactus to grow in our knickers. Not cool.  And I'll tell you what else ain't cricket, scratching your crotch in public. Shaving = a crotch scratch and don't deny it! Don't be scared of getting waxed...we are built for child birth i.e. pain ain't no thang! It's actually not bad at all dude, like sometimes after having shaved because you were too poor to get that shit yanked or just didn't have the time in between being a dope bitch and everything, and your bonnet is itchy as Hell till the point of scratching unashamedly on the side of a busy road...um, for instance,  then the 'pain' of waxing is actually somewhat of a relief. Truth. It's all about maintenance yeah?  Although sometimes when you know shits gonna go down and there's no time that just a quick tidy up round the edges will suffice with a SHARP CLEAN NEW razor. Believe me, he is just happy to be anywhere near pussy to be bothered about the lawn.

ON THE SAME TOPIC... - I am a little over dudes beginning to specify what they prefer 'down there' hey. 'I prefer it smooth' 'no I prefer a bit of a strip' er..........excuse me, but you will fucking get what you're given yeah?  It's not like chicks are all like, 'Hey do you mind getting the snip?  I prefer my meat a little kosher if you know what I mean?' Seriously ladies, the minute you give an inch, they take a mile so don't pander to their little whims. Speaking of inches, how often and how many do we get from them hmm?  Exactly.

EVERYONE LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT - And that's just fine! Do yourself a favor and watch some porn. Preferably not after some chick has been ploughed by some 9 inch member and her vagina is left looking like an unmade bed. No. Look at them, before the sex happens and they're messing about on their own. Each is a different colour, size, flaps in, flaps out some are darker some have bush and some look like a Pringles tin...I'm not gonna lie.  Bear in mind these ladies have seen a fair amount of penis so it's not entirely accurate but yeah the point is, one is not any better or prettier than the next. Some chicks get the bleach in (not BAM, special stuff) but that's next level and that's up to you if you want to take a trip down that slippery slope :/

DOES IT SMELL A LITTLE 'OFF'? - Well does it?  It's not the end of the world. You just need to start upping your yogurt and those little 'good bacteria' shake things.  Your little fleshy triangle has a ph balance and sometimes, it is disrupted by things like antibiotics, non cotton knickers, over washing with soap (just water ladies), letting him go in the front hole after he has been in the back hole (sorry it needs to be said) and not drinking enough water.  A simple pill or cream that you can get over the counter at the pharmacy will sort you right out. And please, don't be all embarrassed to go and ask for it...grow up. If you're old enough for dick you're old enough to ask the nice man for some vagina cream. OK?

WHAT DO WE CALL IT? - Whatever we fucking well want. And you may ALLOW him to occasionally call it 'pussy' in bed or for the daring, he can drop the c bomb but only if you feel comfortable with it yeah? Personally, I prefer 'money box'.

MASTURBATE - Spend some quality time wit yo fine self!  Honestly, it is the most fun you will ever have on your own and also, it makes you a better teacher for when homeboy loses his way. Toys and stuff are fun (keep them clean!) but using the tools that God gave you works just fine. I'm not gonna tell you how you should do it because its different for each individual but what I will say is, don't be scared to get adventurous...try tasting it for example.

Love you x

Some things are not important.

It really doesn't matter if you are 10kg heavier than you would like.  You never were as fat as you thought you were and you will never be as thin as you are now.

Folk who are genuinely creative don't walk around going 'Oh God, I'm like soooooo creative'.  Do you imagine Van Gough or John Lennon ever having a blog talking about how creative they were?  No, they were too busy creating.

Stop. Breathe. Reflect.  Once upon a time you dreamed of being exactly where you are right now. Enjoy it toots ;)

Grow up and stop 'taking offence'.  So what if someone says something that 'offends you'.  What do you think is going to happen?  You will die in a car crash and then that person will feel guilty forever and ever Amen?  WAH WAH WAH WAAAHHHHHHH!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: If you're feeling shit then this will make it worse

EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
This is a sure fire way in making sure that you hate yourself.  You may even consider sticking your finger down your throat after you have inhaled the family size instant mac and cheese followed by 2 mars bars and it's probably not a bad idea.  I mean, vomiting and over eating whilst crying is the ideal way to make yourself feel better when you're going through a fuck show.

TEXT/MESSAGE/FB/TWEET THE DUDE THAT HAS ONLY EVER MADE YOU AN OPTION.
It will be even WORSE if he doesn't reply.  Here you go, why don't you just take this knife and make a few wounds on your arm and then I'll just pour all this salt in them?

YOU SHOULD GOSSIP AND TALK SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE. 
I mean, when you are feeling lonely and a bit down, the best thing to do is to start alienating and stabbing all your friends in the back.  You will feel like such a champion for doing it so why not take it a step further and flirt with their boyfriends?

YOU SHOULD HAVE LOADS OF MEANINGLESS, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH BONEHEADS. 
It just does wonders for the soul and self esteem.  Nothing quite says 'I love myself' like getting naked with someone that probably can't remember your name and convinces you that using a condom is a silly idea.  Why not take some naked photos of yourself with your head in smiling and waving and send it to his phone AND email just in case he didn't get it?

SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON JUNK AND/OR BOOZE AND DRUGS.
Because the anxiety of not being able to pay rent and your phone bill and the impending sense of doom one gets when they are having financial problems will far out weigh any troubles that are going on in your world innit?

DON'T CLEAN THE HOUSE OR DO ANY LAUNDRY FOR AGES.
It's great to just sit in squalor and look shit as well as feel shit. You want to be authentically shit inside and out hey?  It's awesome when you open the fridge and it smells like somebody's cat died in there, you just feel like you are in complete control of your life. All good, nothing to see here!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: My current beauty essentials Pt 5

Lemme tell you, I love make-up. It's soul purpose in it's little perfectly packaged life is to make you look better!  Unlike fucking garms that make you look fat and get you all depressed when you can't fit into a size 10 anymore! Ehrm. Moving on.

Look at this...

It's the 88 eyeshadow palette from COASTAL SCENTS for $13 US. Now we know how strong the Aus dollar is atm so flex hard wit yo credit card Aussies because shits cheap. Even if the dollar wasn't on a winning streak, this is really reasonable for a multitude of colours that will last you frikkin ages. I went through this phase a while ago of being absolutely addicted to beauty tutorials on youtube, and every one of those bitches were banging on about Coastal Scents and how reasonable it is yadda yadda so I got it.  Besides, I ain't forking out 40 clams for a single fushia pink eyeshadow from MAC when I'll probably wear it once and look like I had conjunctivitis AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!  It comes in matte and shimmery...I went with the former.

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Old sayings that fry my bacon.

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER .
Oh rly? What if it looks boring as hell and is all dirty and shit? Why would I pick it up? Do you go for a magazine that has someone you can't tolerate on the cover? I don't think you do!! The way we dress sends a message about the kind of person we are. Shallow you say? Oh boo fucking hoo. Sure, there are exceptions but unfortunately, we are visual beings.  How many times do video clips make you fall in love with a song for instance? No one is expecting you to be the coolest kid on the block, but take a bit of pride in what you look like. A pie intact is way more appealing than a dropped one. Get me?

NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK.
Um, there is actually a lot of use thanks. What if you are having a shit day and that bit of milk was all you had going for you?  It's like saying you can't cry over someone who died. It's called mourning! Yes yes we shouldn't worry about what happened in the past. Whats done is done and all that but fuck man, we are entitled to be pissed when things don't go the way we expect them to. Leave us be with our tears for a second!

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK AND LOOKS LIKE A DUCK ITS A DUCK.
Yes thanks for that.

A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY.
I'd prefer laying on my front in a hammock, sipping on a coconut cocktail with someone named Guido in a little shorts gives me a back rub over changing jobs any day!

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
Now why in Gods name would I want to do that huh? 'Oh hey dude, I know you hate me and stuff and say wack shit to me but you know what? I'm gonna keep you in my fold in case you decide to ruin my life at some point' SCREW THAT! Get the asshole out of you life! Sure, keep a beady eye on them like on FB or something, but bloody hell, cut dem ties!.

MONEY DON'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS.
The only people who say this are those who don't have it (me) and are trying to appease themselves. Money is more powerful than love mate. Two people in love living in the gutter? Yeah don't think so.

If you cant cook don't tell someone their food 

needs salt.

(that should be my new bi line)

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Great ways to make people want to punch you with a brick

FUCK THEIR BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / EX / PERSON THEY HAVE HAD A MAD CRUSH ON FOR AGES AND YOU KNEW ABOUT IT ETC ETC - Do not underestimate jealousy and the monster effect it can have on people.  Dudes beat up women over it. Girls pretend they are pregnant over it. And if you dare stand in between them and the person who makes them feel good about living...well, God bless your little sneaky soul.

BUILD FALSE CAMPAIGNS AND RECRUIT ALL TO YOUR CAUSE - So you have beef with somebody? I'm sure you have a good enough reason. If your reason really is good then you will silently seethe and learn to get over it. If you need many to agree with how you feel and need a whole army behind you in your war, then you are going in unarmed and without just cause. Not only is it bullying, it's hilarious. People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....for whatever reason. Sometimes you just stop being friends. Sometimes you just fall out of love. Sometimes the very thing that used to endear you to someone will make you want to force them to gargle broken glass. Build a bridge babe.

TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO LOSE WHEN YOU WEIGH UNDER 55KG - Everyone will do the 'oh shut up you're amazing' thing, but secretly they hate you and will wish that you really were fat.

BE LATE ALL THE TIME - People love waiting. Especially if they don't smoke and their phone has run out of battery.  Then when you finally arrive be an asshole. That will really send it home.

BE REALLY RACIST AND/OR HOMOPHOBIC - Threaten to 'punch a fag in the face' because he wears skinny jeans.  Be really rude to people who can't speak English and laugh at Big Issue Sellers. You are so awesome dude. WINNER.

DON'T GO DOWN ON YOUR LOVER - Just lay there and have your cock sucked or your pussy licked until you feel like your body is having a convulsion then just say thanks, roll over and go to sleep. And avoid the wet patch at all costs.

BE REALLY, REALLY INCONSIDERATE - Always show up at parties empty handed. Always leave about half a millimetre of milk in the carton and put it back in the fridge. Don't flush. Talk in the movies and do not put your phone on silent. Borrow things and never return them, or do but return it broken or dirty. Borrow someones car and return it with the petrol light on. Never ever ever clean after yourself in a share house and just generally be a tight little ass for the rest of your easy breezy life.

BE CONDESCENDING AND PATRONIZING - Smile while you insult and make sure your tone is snide and poncy. THAT will really make you as popular as MC Hammer.

The end.

PS, I'm perfect.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Life admin

Ever feel like you are losing control of your life? You know there is nothing major happening yet you just don't feel like you've got a grip on things? Shit is falling through the cracks and it makes you feel mildly anxious? I feel like that all the God damn time. I am in a continuous mind set that I 'should'  be doing something and it sucks horses balls.  I find a bit of general admin puts things into perspective.

BILLS/FINES/AND OTHER $$$$ RELATED ISSUES - This is the worst of the worst 'cause it hangs over your head like the acid rain cloud that it is. Every time I put my hand in my bag to look for something I would find another hot damn parking fine that I stuffed in there before forgetting about it. Then when I think I'm on top of something another little winner of a bill rears it's life ruining head in my mailbox. WOULD THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK PLEASE.  It's very easy to just throw money at whomever shouts loudest but you have to prioritise. Firstly, you don't want to lose your license, so you want to get onto anything that is fine related. Secondly, you don't want to live in darkness so pay yo bills. Phone and Internet should be last on the priority list if you are up to your ears in paper that ain't worth much, they are the more understanding folk when you give them a ring and ask for an extension. But for real, don't ignore money issues. They are sleepless night inducing fuck shows.

HEALTH - Go to the doctor and book that dentist appointment. Apply for private health and go to the supermarket and stock up on things that are good for you for once. Those fast food treats and booze benders always seem like they are occasional but before you know it, you are all up in an unhealthy highway and you need to pull your fucking head in. A few nights in and an early night or two won't go astray either.  Trust me, you'll feel better for it. Just please Lord don't become boring. Also, have a lot of rough, vigorous sex. Masturbate. Buy some toys. Watch porn on those nights in. Get sensual and healthy baby.

CLEAN - Clean your fridge, do your laundry, vacuum, take your car through the car wash.  Sterilize your bathroom, buy some new bed sheets and buy a new toothbrush. A scented candle wouldn't be a bad idea either. Be all Frankie magazine about it as well, and cop yourself some flowers and put them on the side of the bath. Then have a bath and shave your legs. You can have your first wine for the week now as well.

BODY AND MIND - Please girl, shave your legs and get your nails done. They don't have to be some mad manicure, just file them and keep them clean. Cover yourself in body lotion (even your boobs), and put on a face mask. Dye your hair and buy some new make up. Put the computer away for a bit, switch your phone off and watch a flick you've been meaning to watch or...*shock horror* .... read a book! Make a list of all the boys who are bad for you and cut the fuckers off.  Spring clean that little black book baby girl! Stop thinking about 'him' - you only miss 'him' because you are scared of the future. Don't be. It's gonna be the tits!

WORK - Have an early night and set your alarm a little earlier than normal. When you wake up the first thing you do after you pee is drink a full glass of water before you do anything else (a Korean beautician I used to have in London told me this years ago and I swear to God it changed my skin forever) then have a shower and do your hair and make up with the same amount of care you would for a night out. Get into work focused and pick up your favorite coffee. DO NOT SIGN INTO FACEBOOK. Fuck that shit right off...it's a time zapper. Start your working day as you mean to go on. Avoid office gossip. Avoid negative talk. Avoid moaning. Avoid cunts. You get paid to be there, you don't have to be besties with these people. Key word here: FOCUS.

DREAMS - Start putting them into action. The age old list system with a piece of paper and pen is still the best way to go about this. Make your dreams tangible. Nothing is over the top, aim high! (sorry if I sound like
Oprah) then make make some plans babe.  Also, don't tell anyone your plans. Keep your cards close to your chest, assholes wanna hate and put doubt in your mind. Don't think out loud and only speak about it when it starts to unfold.

Remember, keep it tight. Especially your vagina.

x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: My current beauty essentials Pt 4

Gather round ladies, Mama Owl gwaan tell ya what I use on my mug. Fuck, I'm no 'beauty guru' (beauty guru's don't say fuck for one thing) but I know what I like and I am just a little bottomless pit of opinion, so HEAR ME NOW!!

 This here is MAC's gel eyeliner pot or better known in the 'bizz' as FLUIDLINE and they call it fluid because it is. Fluid and smooth and long lasting.  Not only on your lid, but this little demon lasts a bloody age. I've had this pot near on 5 months now and shit's still just giving and giving.   You need an angled brush....exhibit A...

I have the MAC one as well. I mean, I was buying it from there and stuff and they gotta do their little upsells and flog you all the necessary apparatus. It's not like you can use this shit with your finger, the brush is uber essential, you'd think they'd throw in hey?!  Anyhow, it's not that expensive this eyeliner stuff, it's only like 40 bucks, the brush ain't too far off that.  But really, unlike boys, brushes last relatively forever if you take care of them. I tell ya, that little angled shape on this brush combined with that pot of black magic will give your eyes wings that'll make ya fly like Air Jamaica girl.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Tips for my teenage self

YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER STOP PISSING YOU OFF, BUT YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THEM A LITTLE BETTER - When you think about having a baby, what goes through your head?  What you're gonna name them, how you're gonna dress them, what kind of person they are going to be, what they might look like etc. Guess what? Your folks had the same thoughts when you were nothing but a nugget and you shattered their vision into a million different pieces the day you turned out to be somebody else.  Nothing prepared them for the person you have become, they are trying to understand you....they really are....they are just having a bit of trouble. Go easy on them, they really do want whats best for you, but only in the way they know how. Help them to help you and try not to go out of your way to annoy them.

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH BOYS YOU WILL THINK THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM - You most definitely are not. Your hormones are dancing to dub step in your almost fully grown bodies and when someone is nice to you and makes you feel amazing when most of the time you hate your life because of break outs, pathetic fights with your girlfriends and dramatic fights with your parents you will become addicted to the person that makes you forget about all that for a little while and you will call this addiction love. Bollocks. It's called 'randy teenage boy who needs to stick his dick into something else other than his hand and/or his pillow' Just be cool. Do it if it feels right and if it feels GOOD. Love comes much later, if ever.

YOU ARE WEARING FAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP - You will turn 25, look back on photos of yourself and long for that baby ass teenage skin.  Stop ruining it with that beige muck that isn't even your colour.  If you absolutely have to shovel it on, at least lose the powder. If you can scrape your name in your face then shit is real and you need to recognize.

GIRLS ARE BITCHES.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE TEENAGERS. - And do not think that you are any different. Gossiping does not fall into zones. There is no good gossiping or bad gossiping. Running your mouth is running your mouth.  If you do it, that means others do it and if you find out about it well, tough luck 'cause you do it too.  Jealousy runs riot amongst females and it starts in high school.  Just put a lid on it. Don't text your mates boyfriend, don't snog him either.  Don't 'like' his boring ass status just to get a rise out of your friend and then act all innocent when she inevitably blows her top therefore making her look psycho and you look all 'butter wouldn't melt' - yeah I'm on to you bitch.  You know why boys seem to have longer lasting friendships?  Because this kind of manipulative behavior goes way above their heads. Just play nice OK?  You know tables?  They turn sometimes.

YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS IN 5 INCH HEELS - Bambi learning to walk comes to mind. So does 'baby prostitute'.  Avoid these shoes when you intend on drinking 2 boxes of wine as well.   PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.

I KNOW YOU ARE SICK OF HEARING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOUNG YOU REALLY ARE - Enjoy it. Now is the best time! You know why?  You can still blame being young for your fuck ups!  Once you hit the big time the loop hole is gone and you actually have to be a 'grown up' YUCK. You get to make silly mistakes now, it's awesome!  I won't lie, it's not the best years of your life by a long shot, but it is definitely the most carefree.  So go mad! Just don't fall pregnant.  And don't give a guy the ass unless you trust him, because then he'll tell everyone at school and you will get loads of attention and it won't be because of your personality.

God speed x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Things you can only do when you are home alone

PUT ON YOUR FAVORITE TRACK LOUDLY AND PRETEND YOU ARE PERFORMING IT - I KNOW that you girls are practicing Nicki's verse in Monster for such an activity.

MASTURBATE A LOT - Duh!

WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND ON - See above.

GO ON A ZIT SQUEEZING RAMPAGE - And make the bathroom mirror look like a painters radio.

PLAY THE MUSIC THAT YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU LISTEN TO LOUDLY - Embrace your secret pleasure! Only God can judge you.

YOU CAN DO THINGS WITH FOOD THAT YOU ARE TOO SHY TO DO IN FRONT OF PEOPLE - Like put more Parmesan on your pasta so there ends up being more cheese than ravioli on your plate. Murder your mac and cheese with so much ketchup it almost looks like an abortion. Eat the entire slab of rocky road Cadburys chocolate. Shove a courgette up your fanny. You know...the usual.

LEAVE THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN - Even when you're doing a poo!

PUT ON YOUR SECRET OUTFIT THAT YOU ARE SAVING FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION AND PARADE AROUND THE PLACE - I know you be knowing what I'm talking about bitch!

HAVE 'THAT' SKYPE CALL WITH YOUR LONG DISTANCE FUCK BUDDY - Oh don't act coy. Of course this whole list was going to consist of lust, gluttony and poor taste. Our secret behavior ain't so secret 'cause we all do it!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Tips for an easier life

DON'T GET INVOLVED - Yeah, you might think you have all the answers and you probably do. But you can't go around taking on every single situation that crosses your path if it doesn't have anything to do with you.  Sometimes your friend may just want you to listen, not to sort everything out and make it better. Help them if they ask for help, otherwise, keep your bloody beak in it's nest.

DON'T GO TOO HARD ON THOSE SCHOOL NIGHTS - Working whilst tired will turn you into an asshole and you will be unproductive and do retarded things.  When it's appropriate, play hard. But if your job is important to you, then act like it.

BUDGET - Good heavens this is fresh coming from me ha ha. But for seez...being broke is mighty stressful man. It sucks giant broke donkey's balls.  Try and go without sometimes in order to have $$ for things like your morning latte for example.  One cup of bought coffee for me a day is my guilty pleasure and it really upsets me when I cant afford it because it really is the highlight of my morning.

DO NOT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT - i.e do not fuck your friends, your brothers/sisters friends, your friends partners, your friends ex partners, your friends parents, your neighbour, your teacher/professor/boss, your colleague...get where I'm going with this?  Acting on lust will satisfy you for about 30 minutes.  Then you have to face these people in social environments. You might even find you start getting jealous if they talk about other girls/dudes.  Why would you fucking do this to yourself? You used to be able to hang with your friends without a worry in the world, now you just feel anxious and won't attend things if that person is there.  Keep the flirting up for sure! But if you act on it, then the flirting is done and sometimes, that is what was holding the friendship together in the first place. Innit.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, AND GET THAT SHIT WAXED - Why do you insist on shaving and scratching and near burning your privates with hair removal cream??  Get the wax situation on the case and get rid of it!  Stop being such a um, pussy.  IT'S NOT THAT BAD and you will wonder why you never did it before.

PEE STRAIGHT AFTER SEX - Because a UTI is not a summer holiday and it will feel like your bladder wants to die.  A simple flush of any bacteria will ensure you don't get weird crap up on in ya.

WEAR SUNSCREEN - Yes you do burn. No, you don't look tanned you look like a cooked prawn.  Hey, I'm all for worshipping at the sun, but do it safely.  Wear sunscreen. Wear a condom. Wear your seat belt. NO POINT IN CRYING OVER SPILT MILK!

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Fashion tips straight from the Owl's beak

Right look.  I'm not one to dress people in pansy shit.  I have to quote one of my favorite broads MS FITZ when she say's 'Sorry. I don't dress pedestrians. I dress icons'. My mum tells me I look like I get dressed in the dark...sometimes I do.  Also, I hate the 'dress like this' pages in wanky magazines so this isn't me tryna get you to all look the same and be all 'you should wear loud colours and sport hooker nails'. No. It's about making the most with what your mama gave you and being fun and individual.  Whatever look you want to achieve or steeze you want to rock is fine by me.  Just keep it original and remember that the cherry on the red velvet cupcake for any outfit, is the 'tude (attitude, but with a cooler name) in which you approach it.

1. Please remember to remove the price from underneath your new shoes. Attention to detail please ladies. God, it's even worse if you got them in the sale and there is a massive red marker pen price ... nobody will want to marry you.  I reckon street hookers should have their price under their shoes though...discreet yes?
2. Those itty bitty skirts that you CONSTANTLY have to pull down?  You look like two things 1) uncomfortable; 2) highly USER friendly...if you know what I mean...:/  Seriously girls, I'm partial to a mini skirt myself but anything that requires 'fiddling' like skirts/cunt scarves that need pulling down, boob tubes that need pulling up etc just make everything awkward. 
3. ENOUGH with those sandals with the leather material thingie that go around the ankle. Yuck. Puke. Hurl. So over the rainbow with that shit!  You know the ones I'm bashing about?  THESE God awful things.  I don't care if you like them.  Start your own 'I love leather ankle cuff sandal fuck shows' blog and build a bridge babe.
4. Love, if you are packing a little more meat and gravy on your bones than most, you can't wear those body con dresses, short shorts or crop tops.  It makes you look a gazillion times bigger than you are.  Plus, as I've said before, you can't pour 1kg sugar into 500g bag...ya know?  And as for the skinny minnies ... if you are small chested those tops that have built in cups will make your titties look like 2 fried eggs.  No bum?  High waisted skinny jeans will make your bum look as flat as a driven over pigeon and that if you lift up your arms you'll probably fall through your own asshole.
5. Stop saving clothes for the 'right occasion'!  Wear the fuckers! OK, mabes a ball gown is a bit much for work...well...is it?  Anyway, I know that in Australia it's a shorts and rubber flip flop culture, but for the love of Mary Elizabeth, will you wear those things that have been in your wardrobe that you are saving for the hot date that never comes?  And while you're at it, chuck the things that are waiting for you to lose weight.  You probably wont...and if you do, you will want to buy new things.  
6. Now I enjoy a bit of OTT steeze on the accessory portion of the evening.  However, just letting any old muppet accessorise is like giving a child a loaded bling gun. Don't put on all your favorite things at once.  If you are wearing a huge statement necklace, then maybe go easy on your lobes. Then again, if you are wanting the cluttered 'loads of jewellery' look, then make sure it is all in the same colour or made from the same substance.  You don't wanna look like a floor fixture from DIVA. (*cheapo accessory store here in Aus for those who don't know)
7. Do you work in an office?  Do you have to wear a smart attire and heels?  Do you commute? Now here's the big question: Do you wear running shoes from home to work and carry your heels in a Harrods bag your Aunt brought back from England for you about 7 years ago?  Jesus mos def did not die for YOUR sins.  There MUST be better alternatives???
8. BinTang singlets and tshirts from Bali? Computer says noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
9. Let's all please just sit down and reflect on the obsession for American Apparel for a second.  This brand is the bandwagon of all bandwagons, we'll call it the 'Brandwagon'.  Sure it's cool.  I mean...it's pretty inoffensive really...with it being more basic than a sheet of A4 white paper satin finish.  It's just cotton tshirts and shit for the reasonable price of around 4000 bucks though hey?  Bargain Wagon.
10. Vintage is not always 'cool' ... sometimes it's just old crap.  It also probs belongs to a dead person.  Stop filling your wardrobes with rags that need buttons replacing, rips repairing and things that are uglier than a Heidi Montag's new face when she cries but you copped it 'cause it only cost like 10 cents or some shit.  Be discerning when it comes to vintage owlies!

Rock out with your frock out x

JUST PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED

Sometimes ... it's hard to get out of bed in the mornings. The thought of just laying there and maybe taking something in order to fall into a long, blissful sleep from which you can never be woken can sometimes turn a very bleak situation into a euphoric one. But then common sense kicks in and you get up and get on with your day, forgetting that the thought ever entered your mind.

Sometimes ... you are filled with so much rage that you could easily put your fist through the face of someone you love the most in the world.  The tiny moment you imagine it you find contentment. But then it passes, and you can sit in front of the telly with the same person watching Two and a Half Men whilst eating lasagna and you would cause bodily harm if anyone were to ever hurt a hair on their head.

Sometimes ... you find yourself imagining what it would be like to sleep with someone completely out of bounds. Someone who is forbidden, who you could never even think of even allowing the thought to cross your mind.  You want it 'cause you can't have it. You want it because for about 5 minutes you will feel satisfied that they risked everything for 20 minutes with you. A person's self esteem is the steering wheel to their every action.

Sometimes ... it's easier to consider throwing in the towel.  Quitting your job.  Breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Moving house, city or country. Deleting people from Facebook therefore your mind. Avoiding the places where you will run into the regulars and the people you seem to see all the time.  But then you worry about being left behind or about missing out. The 'what if's versus the 'whatever's' - this is probably the time you consider seeing a fortune teller...or getting a new haircut.

Sometimes ... we convince ourselves that life would be better if we were thinner, richer, had bigger boobs, a bigger dick, nicer clothes, were friends with certain people, lived somewhere else etc etc etc  We know it's the insecurity that holds us back, makes us unhappy and stops us from being where we want to be. Yet we can't give it up.  It's like our security blanket or the thing we hide behind.  The thing we blame for all the other things that are going wrong in our lives.  If you take away our insecurity, then the only thing left to blame for the fuck ups is ourselves.  How terrifying.

Sometimes ... we wish we could just have that time back.  Where we would have said or not said those things. Wouldn't have made those decisions and taken different path's.  The fear that somehow we didn't notice the fork in the road and accidently took the wrong turn without realizing is both frightening and frustrating. It's so unfair! Can't we have another go?

Sometimes ... it's irritating that we should be grateful when all we want to be is angry.  Being angry feels good.  Being angry makes things easier.  Sure, it makes life a little difficult for those who have to be around us when we are angry but that makes us feel powerful...like we are in control of the situation.  But then that feeling of an angry high turns swiftly into a guilty low.  Then we have our friend paranoia.  The most useless feeling of all...or is it just being conscientious? We don't even know anymore.

Sometimes ... it's the jealousy that drives us.  We're jealous of a friend so we try our best to be better than them or to take them down.  Jealous of our siblings so we try better at work or do nicer things for our parents.  Jealous of our peers so we try to be funnier, kinder, more generous and generally more amazing.  They say the quest for happiness is what motivates us, but could it really be the quest to be better than everyone else?

Sometimes ... it's hard to say what's in our head. Because once we say it out loud, it becomes real.  As long as it stays churning in our mind it's still just a thought, a foetus of an idea.  Sometimes it's better that way.

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: You think you better than me?

YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you got more followers on TWITTER?
Look at your followers in comparison to the number of tweets you've tweeted you twat.  Also, the real boss is the person who has more followers in real life.  Beleeeeeeeee Dat.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you keep your mouth shut?  
Talking about people that talk about people means you talk about people.  Dust off that halo sweetheart, it's looking a bit tarnished.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you only buy vintage, eat organic and give 20 bucks a month to the orphan in Africa you saw on the telly?
Do you think the cocaine you shove up your nose is made in ethical factories and imported via the Virgin Mary?


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because I talk about SEX?
Sex is great. It's fun.  It's between adults...adults that have fun when having sex and share a bond in that enjoyment.  Sure, it may be better when two people are 'in love' - but what does that even mean? It is possible to be a sexual being and still keep your self respect and dignity...just choose the right partners, and keep your wits about you.  And don't kiss on the mouth.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... 'cause you famous?
So is Vanilla Ice.  Remember that.  And so is Fergie...and she was a meth head.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you're thinner than me?
I'll pay that, I'm more interesting than you.  so we're even.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... 'cause you're straight edge?
Well done mate, tell the Fun Police I said 'sup.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you have a little tinkle of a laugh?
MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.   HA.


YOU THINK YOU BETTER THAN ME ... because you're married, have a house/land package, a 4 wheel drive and a bun in the oven?
Sorry to hear you lost the war against maturity.  I'll be over here enjoying travelling, making money, having sex and just generally breathing the same oxygen as you.  I'm sorry about that. You just keep on keeping IKEA afloat ya hear?

“To begin with, our perception of the world is deformed, incomplete. Then our memory is selective. Finally, writing transforms.”

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Start a bucket list

Hmm, so I know that most people have a list in their heads of the things they wanna do before they die, but I didn't realize that it  now had a name...The Bucket List. Look, I dunno why it's called that, I think it's from a movie...Google it if it bothers you...wait wait, I think it's the list of things you wanna do before you 'kick the bucket' - yup, that makes sense.  I like this idea for a few reasons, a) I like making lists, b) I work well if I have something to work towards, c) it makes me feel motivated and d) I am now putting them in print so I do kinda have to do them.  I don't know how long I'm gonna have this blog for...haha, can you imagine me dishing out advice at the sexy age of 85 ...

NEVER WALK NAKED IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND - He will ask you if you are going to iron your dress.

Haha, but seriously. If I am still knocking these things out when I'm a golden girl, I'll check back in on this post and see if I achieved anything I said I would...you will have to remind me. Maybe I'll even post about them as I do them. I dunno.  Well here are my buckety things ...

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: My current beauty essentials Pt 3

Hands up who actually buys the same product over and over?  Yeah me neither.  No matter how happy I am with what I currently use, I get secretly excited when it runs out 'cause I get to try something new.  I mean geez, the packaging is just so damn alluring. I did a beauty post a few months back here and then another one here for the thrifty.  I still swear by those products, but I've kinda moved on to a few new things only to return later to the others.  I keep this shit on rotation...makes life a little more interesting.

STUDIO SCULPT by M.A.C is something I have used in the past but went on to ARMANI FACE FABRIC which is just magnificent but sadly, so is the price. STUDIO SCULPT is a cheaper alternative.  It'll set you back 50 bucks where as the ARMANI bad boy is almost 90.  This M.A.C foundation is the perfect combo of coverage and lightness.  I HATE thick foundation but I like a bit of coverage...I also hate foundation that gives you a white face in photographs (note: anything that has the word 'reflective' in the name will give you a Casper face in pictures)  I use the colour NC30 'cause I am olive skinned and I can use something darker, but this product comes in a million different shades, going from our porcelain dolls to our ebony homegirls.  I can't stress enough that when it comes to foundation, you get what you pay for.  And please get someone to help you with the right colour...there are so many beautiful girlies out there with Dorito dust faces. Yuck.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's a breakup because it's broken

Yeah I know, two special editions in a row ... but circumstances this week have lead to some inspiration.

THE WHOLE EVENT IS JUST A SHOW OF FUCKERY - There is no right or wrong and nothing about it is easy. It's like cracking and separating an egg.  You crack the shell (your heart) and tip the egg whites to and fro (your relationship) and try to hold on to the yolk (your pride) - Some of the shell may get caught amongst the whites, but that is easily lifted out ... it just takes time.  A bit of the yolk might creep in there too...but that's only if you let it.  Am I making sense?  If not read it again, because it's a perfect analogy.  What I'm saying is, is that these situations are hard ... but try to get out of it with some dignity.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: It's the little things that count

Small things can create big smiles ... all to be done in limitation of course...you don't want shit getting tired, ya get me?

MAKE PANCAKES FROM SCRATCH ON A SUNDAY MORNING - If you don't have a Nigella Lawson book (everyone does though, so let's get real) then pick up a recipe off ze world wide web.  Yup, I'm talking eggs, flour and milk. REAL stuff. None of that 'Shake and Bake' shit.  It's therapeutic to whip up these fluffy wonders and do it in your dressing gown, with some Sunday tunes in the background....something 80's pref. Add blueberries and maple syrup, or if you feeling fancy...marscapone cheese.  Make extra for me.

PURCHASE THE BOX SET YOU ALWAYS WANTED - Then stay in with your favourite poison and watch every single episode back to back. Let that mindless television wash over you.

FLICK THE BEAN - Or scratch the decks. Fiddle your diddle.  Oh just fuck yourself already.  It feels good and it cures insomnia.  Fact.

SPEND AN HOUR ON YOUTUBE WATCHING INTERVIEWS AND WEIRD CLIPS OF YOUR FAVE CELEB - It needs to be someone tacky though, like Lyndsay Lohan.  If that won't make you feel better about your life then nothing will.

READ AN ACTUAL REAL BOOK OR MAGAZINE - Then switch yourself off to all social networks and the internet while you take in the words from actual real paper.  I swear I've started to get a tan from my computer screen hey...

CHANGE THE BUTTONS ON AN OTHERWISE DULL JACKET - Like I had this little cropped black jacket that fits like a glove, but it's a little 'yawn'.  So I copped some large gold brassy buttons with lions on - very door knocker/Versace esque - and pimped that boring rag to the max.  Took me about 40 minutes but I felt accomplished and crafty.  Two epic feelings if you ask me, which you are, because you reading my blog innit?

WATCH A SUNSET - I am not what you would call 'one with nature', but you cannot deny the beauty and feelgood factor of watching a good sunset.

SOMETIMES, OFFER TO SLEEP IN THE WET PATCH - But only if he went down on you.

TREAT YOUR CAR AND FILL THE TANK - It's almost ridiculous how good it feels.

SOMETIMES WHEN LIFE SEEMS LIKE IT TOOK A TURN DOWN SHIT STREET, JUST THINK OF THAT WOMAN ON OPRAH WHOSE FACE WAS ATTACKED BY HER PET CHIMP - Yeah, life ain't so bad now is it?

Lots of love, Owl x

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Paranoia - we all get it

Yes we all get those irrational feelings. Sometimes they are justified, other times you are just being a weirdo.  I think it's comforting to know that others have the same wack thoughts in order to make us feel better about our insecurities.  We're a complex lot us homo sapiens innit?

'I WONDER IF THOSE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME' - Yeah they probs are.  But why does it have to be negative?  They are probably saying something really nice about you!  Yeah you're right...they probably are running their mouths.  But who the fuck cares anyway?  Also, they might not even be talking about you.  AARRGHH the paranoia!  Thing is though...if you talk shit, then you assume others do too.  So stop talking shit!  But only if you care if others do...if you don't, then continue.

'IS THAT PERSON BEING WEIRD WITH ME?' - Guess what?  They might have had a crap day and are being weird with everybody!  So don't make it all about you.  Just stay out of their way and go on about your day.

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Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: The stuff that makes you 'that guy' at a party

We've all been to a party where there has been that 'non-chiller' who just throws the spanner in the works. Or vomits on the carpet.  Don't be that guy.

LEAVE THE MOTHER FUCKING iPOD ALONE - If it ain't your party, you don't get to just get up and change the tunes, ESPECIALLY if you are just an extension of someone else who was actually invited to said soiree...then it's just plain rude.  Plus, 'that guy' who always takes it upon himself to be 'DJ Extrodinaire' just fucks with the vibe and there is nothing worse than having a song nuked right in the middle followed by hearing 2.5 seconds of the beginning of each song until he finds his desired track.  And whats that?  You brought your own ipod? Congratulations! Now fuck off.

BYO - Don't be a cheap cunt.

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