Friday, September 17, 2010

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway Part soixante-dix

EVERYONE TELLS THOSE LITTLE WHITE LIES TO MAKE THEMSELVES A BIT MORE INTERESTING - But here's the thing...this is the age of the internet. Do you see Milli Vanilli getting away with that shit they did in the 90's in 2010? I doubt it. We live in the age of information at our fingertips at any given time. You are trackable and traceable. There is stretching the truth, then there are outright lies. i.e. telling someone you know Slash (like you met him once and you had a 2 minute chat) and then there is saying that you gave him a blowjob. All I'm saying is that with all your antics and whereabouts and photographs splashed all over the's really easy for people to figure you out. Know what I mean?

IF YOU FANCY SOMETHING SWEET AND YOU ARE ON A DIET, TRY THE FOLLOWING - Jelly, a skim milk Mocha, wafer biscuits (not the entire packet) or icy poles.  It's no brownie but they will have to do.

STYLE BITING - I love touching on this subject.  Mainly because it's so petty, YET it can cause major aggro and even end friendships in some cases.  There is a difference between liking the shoes a friend got and then getting the same pair (guess what? The store has more than one pair...fancy that?) and picking up on a friends eccentricity (i.e. a tattoo choice, a word they always use, some inanimate object they are obsessed with) and then claiming it as your own.  THAT shit is annoying, because it is someones identity.  So don't trawl their blogs, pick up on something they mentioned and act as if you thought of it and think that they won't notice.  They always notice.  This is gibberish to some people, but those in the know, KNOW. You know?

LOVE, THERE IS NO SHAME IN CONTROL UNDERWEAR - If your teeth are fucked, you get braces. If you can't read for shit, you get glasses.  If your skin looks like Zitney Spears is in town, you get some proactive on that shit. If your tummy is sticking out, you get control knickers.  It's called damage control.

DON'T SQUEEZE YOUR SPOTS IN PUBLIC - Don't you like having sex anymore or something?

YOU ARE NOT FAMOUS JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WHO IS FAMOUS - And you are only marginally cooler if the famous person you know is a cool famous person.  Nobody gives a fuck if you know Ben Cousins or an ex Big Brother housemate.  Dolly Parton is cool though.  Probs even cooler than Pete Doherty.  If you really want to be famous for nothing, release a sex tape. Or throw a massive party at your folks house and get your friends to piss on the neighbours cars.  That'll make you known AND hated.  Isn't that what you want?

I'm watching you. Yes YOU.



Megan said...

Zitney Spears made me laugh so hard! I love your work

Obnoxious Owl said...