Friday, September 10, 2010

Take my advice...I don't use it anyway SPECIAL EDITION: Facebook Ettiquette

We lead double lives now.  One real one.  One internet one.  Some of us have the hang of keeping the balance.  Others...not so much.  The difference between the two, is that you have more control over the one that is on the net. 

PHOTOGRAPHS - oh dear.  Until Facebook sorts it out that we have to approve before people get tag happy, you might need to reel it in a little.  It's pretty fucked that someone can just take a shit photo of you then plaster it on the net for all and sundry.  It's almost better that shit gets tagged, otherwise its just out the interweb wilderness...and you will have no idea.  So...

  • Avoid the fucking camera when you are wasted/high
  • Stop taking photographs of your wasted/high friends
  • Having a baby?  Cool! Post pics post birth, when your little bundle has been cleaned and Mama has had an opportunity to sort herself out.  Pictures of baba covered in blood and mucus, and Mummy's bleeding inner thighs are best kept in the family vault thanks.
  • Naked I really have to say anything?
  • Photos of you and your other half sucking each others face off ... yeah, and why do you think this interests anybody?
  • Be a doll, and don't knowingly post unflattering photographs of your friends.  Unflattering = just as they put a massive forkful of food in their mouths, when they are pulling a weird dance face etc etc - you know the drill.  You might think it's hilarious and clever, but if there ever was such a thing as karma, it exists in the tag button mother fucker.
  • If you see the camera coming and you are gurning your face off, or you know you look a little worse for wear...turn your head, get away, slap the bitch in the face...just don't say cheese whatever you do. 

STATUS UPDATES - People judge you by your status update ...

  • FB is not the place for airing your dirty laundry.  Cat fights, family dramas, partners cheating ways, beef with someone...leave it out.  Don't get me's wildly entertaining for the reader but it makes you look like a joke, tacky and one always feels embarrassed on your behalf.  Haha, its just so funny!  Like some people have like 800 friends...if all those 800 stood in front of you in real life, would you say half the things you put in your little status box?  Exactly.  Now WHY is it OK on the internet?
  • Boring updates are to be avoided.  i.e. 'Just had bacon for breakfast' 'Been to the gym' 'I am boring' etc etc - nobody cares about your beige life thanks. 
  • Emo updates!  Oh dear God.  Cry me a fucking river will ya.  'My life is fucked' yes. yes it is.

GUYS SHOULD NOT USE THE <3 NON IRONICALLY - Correction...STRAIGHT guys shouldn't.  Yuck.

IN A RELATIONSHIP?  - Soooooooooooo you live together and you post a million 'I love you's' on one anothers walls.....hmmmm.  Didn't you see each other like an hour ago?  Who are you trying to convince?  It just makes people wonder how exactly smooth paradise is going. 

DON'T SLAG OFF PEOPLE, UNLESS THEY ARE CELEBRITIES...THAT'S FINE - It's even worse when it's done passive aggressively.  Like writing something to insinuate that you are talking about someone just to make them wonder if it is them that you are talking about blah blah. Oh God.  I can't actually believe grown adults do that shit.

'IM DOING A FRIEND CULL' - Thanks for the announcement.  You are probs deleting people you never talk to which means they won't even notice.  Go you!  If it's someone you hate, then please read above re: passive aggressive.

SPAM MY INBOX ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL TAG YOUR ASS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER - I said yes I'll attend, now quit bugging me.  FUCK.

'WE MUST CATCH UP SOON, I MISS YOUR FACE' - You have no intention of catching up and you hate her face.

Basically, your Facebook wall is like a big room full of people who include colleagues/family/friends (close and distant) and acquaintances.  Would you have a cat fight in front of all these people while you are high as a kite, naked and then afterwards get fresh with some dude?  You would?  You have issues.  It is a place to network, stay in touch, get your message across, be creative.  It shouldn't be used as some kind of adult playground to bully (yes bully) other adults or to tell all your 'friends' how 'SOOOO TOTALLY HAPPY YOU ARE!!!'  Yeah right sunshine.

That's just my opinion.  I have alot of those.

Keep it tight people x


Anonymous said...

This is brilliant.

cara said...

Agreed, brilliant.

Gem said...

To me these are facts, not opinions. She's got it right.

Obnoxious Owl said...

tight x