WHEN YOU ATTEND ONE OF THOSE 'SCHMOOZY' AKA 'CUNTY' EVENTS WHERE EVERYONE THINKS THEY POO ICE CREAM, REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE THE COOLEST PERSON IN THERE - Fuck I hate these things. Where do these people come from anyway? Art exhibitions are the WORST for this shit oh and fashion shows. And anything with 'launch' in the title. Walk in with your head held high and be charming and not wanky...there's a fine line. None of these people are more important that you. None.
SHORT SHORTS AND BIKINI TOPS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FESTIVAL ATTIRE - Oh God, and then these chicks usually throw some cheapo fake tan into the mix. Ya'll look like a cheese twistie in spandex. Except unlike a twistie, you ain't delicious.
SO HERE'S THE THING WITH GIVING A HAND JOB ... - It's gotta be wet and it's gotta be fluid. You aren't starting a fire, so chill out out the friction. The idea is that it should feel like a vagina. So lots of spit and don't break the rhythm. Get your tits out as well, they need a visual.
WHATS WRONG WITH GOING TO SEE A MOVIE ON YOUR OWN? - Stop being so fucking needy all the time.
ARE YOU ALWAYS WORRIED THAT PEOPLE ARE ANGRY WITH YOU? - It's because you aren't 100% happy with the way you are leading your life. Screw everyone else, what do YOU want?
IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED CLEANING YOUR HOUSE, AT LEAST GIVE THE BATHROOM AND KITCHEN A ONCE OVER - Jesus Wept woman, what are you? An animal? If there is any mold on any kind of surface then you are dirty and you don't deserve to get laid.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE YOU - Not everyone has your best interest at heart...that's a given, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with them. YOU should have your best interests at heart anyway. Stop relying on others to make sure you don't land in fucked situations. Some people may be bell ends, but they might be funny, inspiring, fuckable whatever...don't just write them off because they aren't bff potential.
How good is it that summer is almost here? Sorry UK peeps...you've had your fun xx
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