Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Take PAUL WHITE from HEADLINE payoff 's advice...he dun use it anyway!

Hi everyone, I thought I’d just take this time to introduce myself. I’m from South Africa and my legs are made from vuvuzelas. I drive an elephant to work (it’s an auto). My cat is a lion and my father is a bastard. 
I’ve been asked (what with it being Movember, you moustache growing hipsters) with giving you guys some advice about lady parts and boy parts. I thought that perhaps it would be best if I provided the ladies with some cool advice about dudes, guys, bruchachos so that they don’t break the men in their life.

Hey Dad, you big asshole.

MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO - Just because most men open beer bottles using their foreskins as some kind of suction-powered bottle opener doesn’t mean that they don’t have feelings. Those of you who don’t have foreskins, I feel ya, we just smash beer bottles open on our balls. Sometimes when you’re playing on your little videogames-machine and you can’t beat the final boss, it can get quite intense. Sometimes your sports team loses to those other bastards. And sometimes your girlfriend’s dogs won’t stop barking in the car when you’re driving them to the forest and it nearly makes you cry. That happened to me once.  

WHATEVER YOU'RE WEARING IS FINE - In South Africa we (I) have a saying: Never judge a koek (Afrikaans slang for vagina, pronounced like cook) by its cover. That small-eyed lady who played that Bridget Jones chick was lying. Granny panties are fine, as long as they’re not covering granny bits. What’s that lame-ass American-sounding saying? Those clothes would look great, on my floor (while you shove this cucumber up my bum, but in a heterosexual way).

TOOTHPASTE TUBES ARE MEANT TO BE SQUEEZED FROM THE BOTTOM -  I’ve done a scientific study into this. A friend of mine and I both have girlfriends who squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle. Why do all girls do this? To emasculate us? Jesus Christ.

MEN HAVE NIPPLES TOO -  Just saying.

SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO DRIVE FAST - And block other people in traffic who are trying to pass us, because they are douchebags. This is just a fact of life. As sure as Madonna’s arms are actually the hardest substance known to humankind. And the most sinewy.

JUST BECAUSE A TEE SHIRT HAS A HOLE IN THE ARMPIT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T WEAR IT ANYMORE -   It’s ventilation. They built ventilation shafts in the pyramids at Giza and you don’t think those are stupid, do you? No, you want to go there on a romantic holiday when it’s very easy to make a beer can pyramid on the kitchen table and save a lot of money.

I’d just like to finish this guest blog by saying I’m sorry.
Oh, and you can always follow me on twitter if you like (it’s even worse than this).

Paul White

I squeeze it from the bottom...it makes it look bigger. Love Owl x


Anonymous said...

Where do you find these people? It's literally like the boy version of you. Is it you?

Anonymous said...


Raptor said...

haha yay this is badass!

Obnoxious Owl said...

They make 'em funny in Africa

Anonymous said...

i want to read more of this person. does he have a blog?

Obnoxious Owl said...

I asked Paul where the hell is blog was and his response was (cut/paste):

"At the moment strictly speaking I don't. I've got some blogs on my Facebook fan page. Erm... otherwise all the MySpace stuff is still there?"

He really should have a blog though.

blackwhiteportoricanchineseboys said...

Oh yeah i stalked, i found. he is hilarious. thanks paul. thaul.